I'm hot 'cause I'm fly...

So Louisville brought us some freaks, but I was more entertained by this crowd than by the San Fran idiots. I should be asleep right now, so here's the good, bad and ugly that wrapped up our second week of auditions.

Hot 'cause they're fly:

• Matt something or other, the dueling piano guy. Let the record show that I wrote my little notebook that he was "Elliott-esque" only to have Simon say fifteen seconds later that he reminded him of Elliott. Not that me saying this proves anything, but why would I make it up? Hee! He seemed like kind of a geek, his personality was a little quirky, but I enjoyed his voice.
  
• OK, Alexis Grace might be one of my favorite contestants. First of all, she has a fiance in the military. Second of all, I love the fact that she's 21 but for real looks like she's 12. And you guys, if you pause the show on the shot of her and her man in a photo frame, that was TOTALLY taken in Pittsburgh on Mt. Washington. Wassup, PPG place in the skyline in the background!? Anyone who is from Memphis and displays a photo of themselves from the 'burgh is all right by me. Her voice could be okay, her audition was a little shouty but I think it was her nerves. If she chills out a bit, she'll be okay.
• I also loved Leneshe Young, the 19 year old who wrote her own song. I loved her because she acted like a teenager. I'm so over these precocious teens who come in and act and sing like they are in their mid-20s. Leneshe sang a song that she wrote herself which definitely used the words "thuggish ways" and she was totally cute and likeable. Plus she's got one of the sob stories they've been forcing on us (she's poor) so you know we'll see more of her.

They ain't cause they not:

• Tiffany, the first contestant with the copious amounts of silver eyeshadow? SCARYPANTS.
• Mark Mudd, the guy who told the judges to be careful? I would bet anything he has a rap sheet.
  
• Ross the Nerd, who drank out of Paula's cup? I actually felt sorry for him a little. I think he might be one of those people who is so smart, they truly don't know how to interact with the public.
• Ooh, and then there was Aaron, the guy who screamed "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?" and who thought, apparently, that he was auditioning for America's Next Top Model. And then Simon made a joke about Tyra Banks, and all was right in my world.
  

So week two of auditions are down. I am loving this twice a week and down to an hour an episode thing they've got going on here. MUCH better, Idol. Till next week...counting down the days till Group Night!

Absolut Moron

Do you guys remember those ads? Does Absolut even still do them? I don't feel like Googling that so it's up to one of you to tell me. Anyway, I was supposed to watch both episodes this week and then do one blog, but after the morons provided to us courtesy of San Francisco, I couldn't stay silent.

The Good:

• Or lack thereof. In this entire hour, there was only one person that I could even mildly tolerate and that was the Cookster doppelganger of Adam...something. I don't remember his last name, but he totally had the red David Cook bangs going on. He sang Bohemian Rhapsody and generally acted like a tool, but his voice was okay.
  
• I guess Kai (aka Troy Polamalu's brotherwith the sick mom) was okay, but I don't think he'll make it past Hollywood. He wasn't terrible, but by far not the best.
  
• Apparently, 12 peeps made it through but we only saw a montage of three of the golden tickets they handed out. And those clips were...not good, so I'm not sure why I typed this bullet.

The Bad:

• Where do I start? First of all, did anyone catch the "Paula for Prez" sign in one of the quick clips at the beginning? Please just allow that idea to drift through your head...Paula Abdul, as president. I can tell you right now, we'd have seen a LOT more craziness than Aretha Franklin's hat at Abdul's inauguration.
  
• The first two auditions. Tatiana, who somehow made it to Hollywood, and that guy in the bad jacket who looked like a Geico caveman.
  
• You know what I think is really bad? I never noticed before how they put people's job occupations on the same lower third (how'd you like that, A/V people?) as they put their name, hometown, etc. There is just something really sad to me about seeing these losers come in and try to sing with a big old "UNEMPLOYED" plastered over their midsection. Come on, Idol, give these peeps a break.

The BATSHIT:

• I am devoting this entire section to Akilah. I have never loved an Idol tryout as much as I loved Akilah's. First, allow me to describe her ensemble. For her audition, she decided to wear: shredded jeans, held up by suspenders, tucked into plastic-looking knee length ho boots, what appeared to be some sort of 80s graphic tee under a shiny black puffy coat. Got that? Also, I really wish someone out there besides me watched America's Next Top Model, because not since Jade, cycle six of ANTM, has there been a reality show contestant who can make up words on the spot. Words like "tray-she-ah" (or trachea, LOL) "acapellaly" and and "larninx". FAB. She seriously talks about 90 words a minute and brings in hundreds of pages of what she claims to be her own original music compositions and many, MANY diagrams of the human body. Akilah is fantastic.

So basically, San Fran blew. Tonight is Louisville, and then hopefully we've only got two more hours next week of audition footage. Also, you guys, important news: GROUP NIGHT IS BACK. I about cried for joy at the previews from last Wednesday's episode. I cannot wait to recap that shit. Anyway, we out, we out, play on, playette. No diggity, no doubt.

Weekly Recap: Phoenix, Kansas City Auditions

Well, folks, we are officially back. Ryan's hair is still perfectly coiffed; Randy still makes so sense when he opens his mouth; Simon is still bored as hell with this job; and Paula is still bat-shit crazy. But hey, we have a new judge! We have half naked girls! We have the requisite freaks and sob stories! Ladies and gentlemen, this.......................... is American Idol.

The good:

• Guys, I love Kara. Lindsay & I conversed during Tuesday's show that we probably have a girl crush developing on the chick. She is a welcome addition to our already crazy panel of judges, and I kind of loved her girl power stance with Paula during Bikini Girl's audition. More on that later.
• The opening montage on Tuesday night. Clay Aiken before and after. And then after again, with the weirdo "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" dude. Chris Daughtry getting his golden ticket. Ryan Seacrest and his frosted tips getting crushed between two Studdards. Carrie Underwood, pre-Tony Romo. Elliott and his mom. Cookster saving season 7 from the depths of Sanjaya-like-suckiness... oh man, I'm going to cry. I love this show so much.
• They picked a post-haircut photo of the Cookster for the audition backdrop. THANK GOD. I couldn't stand looking at the skeevy bangs for the next few weeks.
• Stevie Knight (she's got the Katharine McPhee factor without being so obnoxious) and Alex Wagner-Trugman (referred to as "Elliott Jr." from now on) were my favorites from Phoenix.
• Overall, though, Kansas City was much more impressive than Phoenix. We had an avalanche of sob stories to put ourselves through, but gasp! They were actually great singers! My favorites were Danny "I just tragically lost my wife" Gokey and his BFF Jamar Rogers, Lil "A tornado blew away my apartment but I still have a gorgeous husband and beautiful children" Rounds, and India "My sister and I should have our own TV show" Morrison, even though her voice was no where near others in this episode.

The bad:

• Bikini Girl. Guys, what the hell. I'm not even going to perpetuate her 15 minutes of fame by discussing her further. I did, however, love Kara's spunk. Kara was right... that girl was terrible, and I really hope she's not going to be a focal point of Hollywood Week. Or, if she is, I hope her breakdown is front and center. 
• I'm already sick of the bad auditions. Thankfully, they did tone down the freaks aspect this year, and the bad auditions weren't as mean-spirited as in the past. But when you show such a small percentage of the people who actually won a golden ticket, it's still painful to sit through the people who clearly have no shot.
• People who tell us they're the greatest singers you've ever heard before they even step in the room. We know by now they will be awful. Lil Rounds, who has an incredible voice, was amazed when the judges told her so. That is talent, that is class, and that is exactly who we should be watching on this God-forsaken show.
• And let me step on my soapbox for a second: I fully get the mean-spirited nature of the audition rounds. And no one forced these people to embarrass themselves on national television. However, is it really necessary to show an absolutely atrocious high school girl being humiliated? Producers, did you go to high school? Do you know how terrible teenagers are? The poor 17-year-0ld multi-colored-hair girl who crashed and burned during her audition is going to be tormented today at school. I find that a little repulsive. 

The Castro:

• Yes, kiddies, there is another Castro brother! And he's just as stoned as Jason! We are forced to sit through a painful reminder than Jason was even on this show to begin with, and then another, more painful segment in which the Castro brothers make Seacrest even more awkward than he usually is. And then Castro 2.0 actually makes it through to Hollywood. Please, judges. I beg of you. Do not unleash another Castro on the world. I don't think we're strong enough to handle it twice.

And, with that, we're off running. Who will be the next Cookster, and who will go the way of KLC? Only time will tell. :)

GO STEELERS!!!!!!

We're baaaaack!

Seacrest, Cowell, and the gang return tonight, and so do we. Tirelessly providing you with recaps, reviews, and pop culture references week after week for the duration of Season 8 of American Idol. It's a tough job, but hey, someone has to do it. ;)

In honor of the New Year, MSHBB has a few resolutions for the new season. Lindsay will attempt to not hate all female contestants immediately on sight. Brenna will not judge anyone too quickly, even if they have greasy bangs and look like they'd stare in your window at night. We resolve to give every Sanjaya, Kristy Lee, and Castro a fair trial.... heck, who are we kidding on that one. No we don't.

Weekly recaps will be posted during the audition rounds, with nightly recaps resuming once we have the finalists. Here's hoping this season will be as suckingly glorious as every other. Happy viewing!!

MSHBB Exclusive Cookster CD Review

If you had said to me in February, "Brenna, on November 18, you will wake up early to download David Cook's debut CD to your iPod," I would have laughed. "David Cook?" I'd say. "He of the pervy bangs and staring in girls' windows and doing crossword puzzles? That David Cook?" Oh, how much has changed in the last 10 months. We have a new president. The Pens were thisclose to hoisting the Cup. Ben Roethlisberger keeps throwing interceptions.... ok, maybe not everything has changed. But I'm living in Patriots country, while Lindsay has taken up residence in NoVa. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, MSHBB somehow became Cookster biggest fans #1 and 2 sometime around the Great Haircut of Dolly Parton Week.

So, in a MSHBB exclusive mid-November reprise, here's my track-by-track review of "David Cook," by, yes, David Cook...

Declaration - A good mid-tempo rocker. It's a good opener - catchy chorus that's easy to sing along to, lyrics about being his inspiration, you know, all the stuff that makes girls like us swoon.

Heroes - More Cookster belting. It's going to be a trend on this album. On first listen, it's certainly not one of my favorites. Next.

Light On - I wasn't a huge fan of this one when it was first released. It's grown on me, perhaps due in part to the guylinered, guitar-playing hotness he is in the video. I still think the lyrics are mildly stupid, but that bridge/soft reprise of the chorus gets me every time.

Come Back To Me - Another song about a relationship on the rocks. Cookster, is there something we should know? Anyways... you remember how Paula said "Always Be My Baby" should be on a movie soundtrack? I feel the same way about this song. I imagine this being played in that pivotal scene in one of those romantic comedies staring Julia Stiles that was so popular in the early 2000s. It's a sweet song, but I don't feel like there's anything really special about it.

Life On The Moon - This is the first song on the album that I loved upon first listen. It's a power ballad with big guitar chords and a slow build and the Cookster's delicious voice singing over it all. Lyrics are kind of corny, but I'm enjoying it.

Bar-ba-sol - Aaaaaaaand, Cookster finally rocks out. It's part bluesy, part rocky, and 100% awesome. I can't wait to hear this one in concert.

Mr. Sensitive - More belting. I worry sometimes for his vocal chords. Regardless, this is another good mid-tempo song, along the lines of Declaration. He's got a flair for the dramatic, that's for sure. I can already imagine his show involving lots of bright lights and fog machines (watch out, Archuleta and your river of fog!).

Lie - It's no coincidence that my favorite performances of his were "Hello," "Billie Jean," and "Always Be My Baby." I want Cookster to serenade me with power ballads like this one. But seriously... "Lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be all right... lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night..." Is he trying to break my heart? He's doing a pretty good job, if so. Maybe things aren't going so swimmingly with K-Caldwell after all. ;) Also, I get a mental image of a "So You Think You Can Dance" waltz. It could work.

I Did It For You - This one is average. It sort of sounds like the songs before it - mid-tempo again. Cookster belting. Nothing too special.

Avalanche - Sense a trend here? Another mid-tempo song, with big guitars and belting. I get images of a movie scene again. I'm starting to think he's just good at that type of song. Imagine, guys, that Paula actually gave a critique that was both sensical and accurate. Stranger things have happened.

Permanent - Ooooooooh, the wait is well worth it for this one. Piano, strings, and Cookster singing about his brother. It's just beautiful. That sound you hear? That's me falling into my puddle of drool.

A Daily AntheM - It's a song that has a "Whoooooaaaaa" chorus that Lindsay & I will obnoxiously sing along with if we ever get to see Cookster in person again. Is that enough? :)

All in all, I think it's a solid debut. It's far from perfect, but really, who other than Daughtry got it right on the first try? Kelly really hit her stride on her second CD, and I'm looking forward even more to see what happens when the Cookster is a little farther away from the ever vigilant Idol eye. If you just want a taste, download "Bar-ba-sol," "Lie," "Declaration," and "Permanent."

Archuleta also released an album this month, but out of principle, we will not be reviewing it. That song he's got on the radio is obnoxious, and besides, the CD probably has pre-teen girls screaming along with every track and Daddy Archuleta voicing his approval. Also, in what has to be a sign that the apocalypse is near, KLC also has a single on the Billboard charts.

We'll be back in January for a new crop of Idol rejects! Until then, happy holidays!

Videographic evidence

The screaming and/or singing along you occasionally hear is the voice of MSHBB.

The end of a sports movie? Or Michael Johns? You decide. (Side note: Please don't take this as an accurate sampling of Brenna's singing. I swear, I'm much better for that. You'll see that next season.)

Cookster doing "Hello." I wish like hell I'd recorded the entire song, because I'm mildly obsessed with it now, and I can't watch the video of when he did it on the show because he still had perverted hair.

Cookster doing "Billie Jean." See above re: perverted hair. Seriously, Cookster, why didn't you get a hair cut before the show started? We'd have a much more solid relationship if you had.

Spotted: MSHBB in a puddle of drool at the Verizon Center.

Hello, friends. After a two and a half month hiatus, MSHBB is back for one night only. At least until February 2009. Or something like that. When we last left you, the right person had just been crowned American Idol. Bren was blogging hours of craptastic footage, and I was eating pizza and gelato in the place where everyone should eat pizza and gelato at least once before they die. Good times. And now fast forward to August, and Bren and I were fortunate to be able to see this year's top 10 Idols live and in person in DC, before Bren makes the BIG MOVE to Patriots country.

For starters, we had AWESOME seats. We were in one of the side sections closest to the stage, in row G, which is eight rows back from the floor seats. We had a perfect view of everything...including the GIANT Pop Tart that was scurrying about as part of its contractual obligation, as the tour was freakin' sponsored by Pop Tarts. Which is like, the weirdest thing ever. Why the hell wouldn't Coke sponsor it? Or iTunes? Or any of the other products shoved in our face during this season?

So we are forced to sit through some awful crowd warmup by a third-rate Seacrest. I seriously couldn't even tell you what he said because I think we snarked through the whole thing. I think the people in front of us hated us so bad before the first Idol even came out. Bren and I can tell we're doomed when the screaming during the mere flashing of Archuleta's picture is more deafening than we can bear.

Chikezie is up first, and for serious you guys, he got eliminated way. Too. Soon. He came out totally energized and had a blast, and sounded great. He did three songs, one of them being Usher's "Caught Up" and he was awesome. He was also wearing a velvet blazer, which was so not appropriate for DC in August, but he rocked it. More Chikezie! No! Don't bring out Ramiele....

And here she is. In a getup that is wildly awesome and striptastic. You just need to see it for yourself:Right? Awesome, yet hideous. Anyway, Ramiele was one of the ones that I was over the second she made it into the top 12, but she was really good during the show. In fact, that was pretty much the theme of the night--everyone sang about 10 times better than they ever did on the show. It must be a hell of a lot easier once the pressure's off, you know? She does a couple of numbers, which I can't really remember...I think one of them was that Rihanna/Maroon 5 number that's popular right now. But we didn't hate her.

At this point, I am 1/4 of the way through my pillow-sized $4 bag of popcorn. I wanted chips with my hot dog, but the chips only came with the kid's meal and you had to get a drink with the kid's meal too and I already paid $7 for a beer, so I said F it and got the popcorn. When the guy brought it to me, I laughed at him, then paid for it. I'm dumb.

Bren and I are on our feet next, because it's Michael F'ing Johns, aka Aughtry, aka Chuck Bass. We nearly explode with delight at the sight that he is INDEED wearing a Chuck Bass scarf. Right now, we're pretty sure everyone around us hates us, because I think we're the only ones standing up. He sings all our favorite numbers from the show--the Queen medley, the Dolly Parton song that was sex on a stick, and "Dream On"--talk about getting the crowd going...

Only to be brought back down by the appearance of Kristy Lee. God. We debated if we wanted to take our bathroom/beer break at this point, or just suck it up and wait until intermission. We sucked it up. And how. I am not pleased to report that she again pulled out all the stops and did a big ol' USA-themed number to "God Bless the USA", complete with a neon flag. God.

And I have to sidebar for a minute. So we're on the Metro ride home, and we somehow managed to get on at the same time as this toolbox kid and I guess his mom? Aunt? I don't know. And they were the kind of people who are really loud, know it all talkers. I mean, I'm loud too, but not on public transportation. So at one point on the ride, the lady, loudly, asks the tool what his favorite number was, and she says her favorite was "God Bless the USA"--to which the tool loudly announces practically to the whole Metro that he loved that number too, and it gave him the chills. Bren and I barely made it off at our stop before we just busted out laughing. I'm sorry, but Jesus. I'm just as patriotic as the next person--my husband is a U.S. soldier, for Pete's sake--but the toolishness of this guy was just too much, to be combined with the fact that his FAVORITE number, out of the 30+ songs we heard was THAT number....we just lost it.

Ahem. OK, sorry for the derailment there. So up next was Carly, who looked AMAZING and sounded fantastic. The crowd really went nuts for her, which made me happy, because she just seemed so desperately to want to do this, and I'm glad she got the ovation she deserved. She reprised "Crazy On You" by Heart from the season, and also opened her set with a bang with "Bring Me to Life", which ROCKED. Good on you, Carly.

It was at this point that I got the giggles. It was the thought combination of what would happen when Archuleta came out combined with the idea of Jason Castro (crowned Weedy McPotbrownie) having to address the crowd in any way. Bren, I'm sorry if you thought at any point that I was having a mental episode.

So here comes Brooke! Rising out of the floor! Sitting at the piano! Woo! She starts off with "Let it Be", which is just as good if not better than she did on the show. She abandons the piano for her second number, to our terror--we all remember what Brooke's like without an instrument, right?--but she grabs a guitar and launches into an adorable rendition of "1234" by Feist. How cute would she have been had she done this on the show? We love you, Brooke! Thanks for not cracking on stage tonight!

So we're sure at this point it's about to be Weedy McPotbrownie. So Bren decides to make a bathroom run, thinking that by the time she got back, we'd all have been asleep from Jason's set. Do you guys want to guess what she missed? If you said "another advertisement for Idol Gives F'ing Back, complete with a U2 song sung by the six Idols who just performed", you'd be absolutely right. The only good thing that distracted me from the pictures of sad kids on the giant screen (seriously, I appreciate what they're doing, but man, I didn't come to the show to get all sad and depressed about the problems in our world) was the fact that Michael AND Carly sang together in the number, and Michael had shed his jacket to give us a better look at his Chuck Bass scarf. Aaaaaand, it's intermission.

Damn, I can't believe how long this blog is already and I haven't even gotten to the Cookster yet.

So after intermission, here comes Jason. And man, guys, his welcome in DC was INSANE. IN. SANE. The cougar next to us and her teenager daughter went apeshit when he came out. Bren and I were seriously bewildered. I just didn't think he had that kind of following I guess. We deemed his popularity in DC the biggest surprise of the night. LOL. He busted out the ukelele for "Over the Rainbow" and did a sleepy remix of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I forget what his third song was, but we had kind of wished it was "Hallelujah"--no dice though.

After an awkward intro by Weedy, out busts Syesha. And damn, all we can say is FIERCE. She is rocking an amazing hairdo and a dress that I could only wish I could pull off. She comes out singing "Umbrella", transitions into Alicia Keys "If I Ain't Got You" and finishes with a showstopping number from Dreamgirls. Go Syesha! We would totally buy her album, we decided.

Sigh. Here we go. Bren and I literally brace ourselves against each other for the onslaught we KNOW is coming with the appearance of Archuleta. And appear he does. To many, MANY screams. Rising from the floor, seated at the piano, like Brooke. What was NOT like Brooke was the cloud of FOG that engulfed him.

I mean, seriously?? FOG? LMAO. No one else got the fog treatment. Cookster better be swinging from ropes from the ceiling or something. He has a nice new haircut, looks more grownup. However, that is canceled out by the shiny red Chuck Taylors he's wearing and also by the sequins and glitter lining the lapels and hem of his jacket. He starts out with "Angels" at the piano, and I don't remember the other numbers he does except he does that awful "Stand By Me/Beautiful Girls" remix he did on the show, which, barf. GET TO COOKSTER ALREADY.

Finally. The main event. You know, I'm happy as hell we didn't have to sit through any horrifically cheesy group numbers, save for the Idol Gives F'ing Back one. I really, really enjoyed this. It was lots of songs that I liked and had heard of, being sung by people who are really talented and love music. Good show.

So Archuleta awkwardly introduces the Cookster, as is his way. Gosh. At which point Bren and I look at each other and without saying a word, are on our feet. HELL YES. Cookster comes out, resplendent in guyliner, and launches into "Hello", which we totally forgot he had done on the show. Awesome, of course. He is totally gracious and awesome with the crowd, too.

I keep yelling "SING BILLIE JEAN", which gets the cougar next to me all riled up, so she starts yelling it too. Yikes. I just kept doing it at that point to get her going. The rest of his set includes "Time of My Life" also known as his coronation song from the finale, "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing", "My Hero" and "Billie Jean". Sadly, no "Always Be My Baby", which was pretty much the only slightly disappointing thing about his set. This guy could headline his own tour right now and be totally comfortable. Spotted: Lindsay Beck, first in line to buy David Cook's album.

After Cookster wraps up, we get the obligatory top 10 group number, which HILARIOUSLY is "Don't Stop the Music" by Rihanna. The second that song starts up, I immediately crack up again, because picture it:: Jason Castro mumbling his way through lyrics like "Do you know what you started, I just came here to party, but now we're rocking on the dance floor actin' naughty." Yeah. That's right. So they all come out, line by line, singing the song. Michael Johns and Cookster are basically acting like fools, because really, do you think they can take this number seriously? All in all, it's not bad, and it's the only large group number we have to deal with, so YAY to that.

And there you have it! Totally, 100% worth it. Bren and I had a great time, we sat by mostly fun people, the little girl high-pitched squealing and screaming was pretty much limited to Castro and Archuleta and everyone was 10 times better than they were on the show. Hope you enjoyed our recap--we'll be back in January or February, depending on when we feel like it, haha. Cheers!