Idol Madness: John Stevens vs. Kristy Lee Cook

Well dudes and dudettes, it’s been a long while since we’ve taken a look at our Elite Eight. We apologize for the long delay, but since it’s a ridiculously slow, rainy day here at work, this is the best way I know to kill time. :)

Today’s match-up pits KLC against Big Red, aka John Stevens. Now that the dust is clearing in season 7, I’ve grown to realize that maybe KLC may not have been the worst thing to happen to Idol in 2008. (Clay’s new haircut, Archuleta’s dad, and the self-destruction of Jason Castro are all good candidates.) Watching a few seconds of the performance again, which is all I can stand, makes me realize it’s more humorous than anything now. Yes, it’s still awful, and yes, KLC still stands as the weakest contestant in this year’s top 12. But does it match the massacre on John Stevens that was Latin night in season 3? Doubtful. Watching his performance back again just makes me sad. Sad for him, that he was put through this. Sad for us, that we had to listen. The only saving grace is Simon’s awesome comment that John & Latin music go together like “chocolate ice cream and an onion.” (Notice John nodding in agreement.) We can’t agree more, and we’re sending Big Red to the Final Four!

Idol Madness: The Elite Eight

Idol Madness: Kat vs. Ruuuuuuuuuuuben

Meatloaf with Katharine McPhee - It's All Coming Back To Me
VS.
Ruuuuuuuuuuben Studdard – Sorry 2004

Brenna here with the final match up of Idol Madness, round 1. Sorry for being a blog delinquent this week, kids. I promise round 2 won’t take nearly as much time!

Let me begin by clarifying. As Lindsay said yesterday, we are talking worst performances. We’re also bending the rules a bit on this one. These two performances meant nothing to the competition – Katharine’s coming in the season 5 finale, and Ruuuuuuuuuuben’s being his first single after being crowned season 2 Idol. But if we’re looking at the worst performances in Idol history, you’ve got to include these two.

The season 5 finale was a hot mess. You had the Soul Patrol, and Mary J. Blige practically pushing Elliott off the stage during their “duet,” the Hoff crying in the audience, but nothing compared to the strange spectacle that was Katharine’s duet with Meatloaf. First of all, how did Katharine pull that straw? I know Meatloaf is a legend and all, but really? Meatloaf? And Katharine? The whole time it looks like Meatloaf wants to eat Kat, and Kat’s doing this diva bullshit, and I realize Meatloaf had medical problems or something but he’s shaking and offkey the whole time, and am I supposed to believe that Kat was in love with Meatloaf? Guys, it was just WEIRD. Like, train wreck weird.

Then you have Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuben. I admit, I was a Claymate in season 2 and was pissed when Ruuuuuuuuuuuben won, but I will tell you right now Ruuuuuuuuuuuuben has an amazing voice and he deserved to win. He did not deserve this song. This song with R. Kelly-level terrible lyrics, like “It's like I forgot your gift, on 02 14 03. (Damn. So sorry!)” This song where Ruuuuuuuuuuben is apologizing for hanging out in strip clubs and hot tubs and for THE ENTIRE YEAR 2004. Ruuuuuuuuuuben, how about saying you’re sorry for “Sorry 2004”? Please?

As bad as Ruuuuuuuuuuuben’s song was, I suppose the performance itself isn’t that awful, so I have to give him a pass. Meatloaf and Katharine, we’ll do anything for love, but we won’t do that. You’re through to the next round.

I promise the Idol bracket will be updated tomorrow and posted for those needing visual aid. I’ve been distracted by finding things like this on youtube.

Idol Madness: Ryan vs. Sundance

Ryan Starr, "Last Dance", season one

vs.

Sundance Head "Nights in White Satin", season six

So, for the Idol Madness bracket of Worst Performance Ever, we never actually said worst VOCAL performance. To us, performance means the whole package. Vocals, stage presence, wardrobe--everything. We're explaining this because some of you may be thinking, Ryan Starr? But wasn't she pretty good? Well, friends, Ryan Starr may have not had the worst voice this show has ever seen, but dear GOD did she have the worst personal style and presentation. Take exhibit A: her "Last Dance" performance. Tranny make-up? Check. Choice of crappy Donna Summer song? Check. Black and white shredded tops layered over each other? Check. Mini-skirt that looks like a pink ace bandage accessorized with not one, but TWO belts? Got it. Also, I'm pretty sure at one point, the cameraman was totally trying to see up her skirt. Klassy, Ryan.

On the total opposite end of the skank spectrum, we have Jason "Sundance" Head. Sundance appeared to be somewhat of an early front-runner during the audition process and I personally thought while he wouldn't be the winner, he would be a shoo-in for the top 12 and definitely beat out Sanjaya. Cut to the last week of the top 24, and Sundance chooses "Nights in White Satin", and all we have to say about this is...wow. I mean, look at him. It was so bad, his hair apparently is trying to escape from his head. The weird diction and over-enunciation aside, I totally thought the dude was going to stroke out in the middle of the performance. So, thanks for that, man. It's your fault we had to deal with Sanjaya for five more weeks.

This is a tough call, but because I'm a catty bitch, I'm giving the round to Ryan. Let's see her battle it out with Carmen in the Elite Eight. On Friday, Bren's blogging the best round from the sweet sixteen, make sure you check it out. We'll also update the bracket on Friday afternoon for your viewing pleasure. Stay tuned!

Idol Madness: Luke vs. Camille

Luke Menard, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", season seven

vs.

Camille Velasco, "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", season three

Sorry it's taking us close to forever to do the Idol madness blogs, guys. The Elite Eight of worst performances ever is almost complete, and we'll be posting the updated bracket, since we've had some requests for that. We have a feeling the Final Four is going to be goooood. Anyway, tonight's match-up is between season seven contestant and token hottie Luke Menard (take off your shirt!) and season three's Camille Velasco.

So, anyone who watches this show can expect to be inundated with quite a bit of cheese. I mean, the group numbers? The FORD! commercials? Idol Gives F'ing Back? We all know what the show's about, and we watch and love it anyway. It was only fitting that on 80's night during season seven's top 24, Luke Menard would bust out the cheesiest of cheese, so wrong it's right, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", right? We have to say, this was one time where being wrong was so not right, and from the first "buh duh bum" notes of this, you could tell it was going to be a disaster. As soon as he couldn't hit that hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, we knew our precious Luke wouldn't make the top 12. Bren and I were hoping so bad he'd get into the top 12 and be able to pick off two of the weaker of the herd to make it on the tour, but alas, we'll never get to yell at Luke to take it off in person.

However, that debacle, as cringe-worthy as it may have been, pales in comparison to poor, disastrous Camille Velasco singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road". I mean, GOD. If you guys don't remember this, you really need to watch the link here. The video is not that great, but all you need is the sound. These kids had the opportunity to choose songs from ELTON JOHN'S song book and Camille picks one of the most difficult songs to sing. The AAAAAAHaaaaahAAAAAAH part on the chorus is tough enough to pull off, let alone the complex range of the entire rest of the song. High notes, low notes, and they all sounded like ass. We're giving this round to Camille, because this was a monstrosity, and Luke is just so pretty!

Make sure you guys read the last round of the sweet 16, because it's a going to be a good one!

Idol Madness: Guarini vs. Sanjaya

Sanjaya Malakar, “You Really Got Me”
VS.
Justin Guarini, “Route 66”

Let’s call this one the Battle of the Hair.

I was never a fan of Justin Guarini, and I don’t remember this performance at all from season 1. It’s amazing, looking back, that this is the night Kelly wowed us all with “Stuff Like That There,” and eventual runner-up Justin serenaded us all with this cheese-tastic version of “Route 66.” He’s snapping his head so much it’s giving me whiplash. Oh look, now he’s trying to scat. I feel like I’m in a hotel lounge in Atlantic City. I feel like I should be rushing off to the craps tables.

As bad as Justin’s performance was, though, there is nothing – NOTHING – in my mind that could top the debacle that was “You Really Got Me” as interpreted by Sanjaya. I’m surprised I actually kept watching the show after this one. I’m guessing because that week Jordin also blew us away with “I Who Have Nothing” and Blake sang that ultra cool version of “Time of the Season” (still my second favorite Blake performance).

Back to Sanjaya.

This really was the worst performance in the history of the world. I’m sure there are worse singers than Sanjaya out there. There have probably been songs that have had worse performances on Idol – or on other stages – over the years. But the combination of all the elements of this one, all coming together on the same night, is untouchable. The strange sweater/glove combo Sanjaya was wearing with the graffitied up blazer? Check. The inappropriate grinding near Paula? Check. And then there was the crying girl. The girl who epitomized everything wrong with the Sanjaya Phenomenon of 2007. The girl who was EVERYWHERE for the next week.

Guarini doesn’t stand a chance. This is like the Yankees versus the Pirates. It’s Sanjaya in a blow-out.

Idol Madness: Chicken Little vs. The Other Brenna

Kevin Covais, "Part Time Lover"
VS.
Brenna Gethers, "Last Dance"

Lindsay mentioned yesterday feeling bad for Big Red John Stevens during his Idol tenure. I never really felt bad for him, but I did have some sympathy for poor little Chicken Little, Kevin Covais. Crammed into the awesome (Daughtry, Yamin) atrocity (Soul Patrol, Ace Young) that was Season 5, I imagine Covais was a little bit like Archuleta this year – not really fitting in with any of the big boys. At least John Stevens was on the show when it was still a little bit of a trainwreck and the only big boy he had to compete with was George Huff.

That said, there is zero excuse for the mess that was “Part Time Lover.” The concept of this little kid singing a song about “passion on the run” was wrong on every level. It’s the equivalent of Archuleta singing “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Everything about it – the lighting, the dancing, the singing – was awkward. I think even Stevie Wonder was thinking, “WTF?”

As for Brenna… oh, how upset I was when this girl ended up being the first Brenna on American Idol. Yes, Brenna was sassy and sometimes amusing. But she was kind of like Danny Noriega – all flair, not much substance. This one does contain one of my favorite Idol screensavers though – the fast moving city street – which, you know, screams Donna Summer and disco. Her take on “Last Dance” was certainly awful, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Chicken Little. Congrats, Kevin! You move on!

Idol Madness: John vs. THE PICK

John Stevens, "Music of My Heart", season three

vs.

Kellie Pickler, "Bohemian Rhapsody", season five

Lindsay here, and sorry, we probably should have told you that Brenna wrote the first Idol Madness blog (AND created the bracket, for which she rocks my world), and I wrote the second and now the third. You know, I have to say, for the most part, I don't feel too badly for contestants on American Idol, or any other reality competition show for that matter. I mean, come on. You audition for a show that millions of people watch and the premise is to be JUDGED--you set yourself up for it, holmes. Don't try out if you don't want to be ripped apart.

That being sad--John Stevens was one of the only contestants EVER on any reality show (and I watch a shitload, believe me) that I actually felt sorry for. The kid was getting death threats at one point in the competition--I think it may have been after Jennifer Hudson was voted off, which was a total crock, but anyway. The point is, John Stevens totally knew he was wearing out his welcome on the show, but what was the kid supposed to do? Quit? Really though, how he got away with this song on "Latin" night still blows my mind. Just because Glo-E sang it, doesn't make it Latin.

And then there's the Pick. In hindsight, I think we should have all given the Pick more of a chance. That chick is awesome and is probably one of the most hilarious contestants ever to grace the Idol stage. I would love to pound a couple of beers with her and say words with more than four syllables so I could watch her drunkenly try to process them. And as Simon told her two years ago, she's ballsy. Did her twangy take on one of the greatest songs of all time make us cringe? Hell yes. Did we secretly covet how great she looked in those leggings and hooker boots? Well, maybe that was just me. And even though the judges all praised her up and down for this, at the time, we kind of hated her. But we love her now! So for that--we're giving the win this round to John Stevens. Go red! See you in the Elite Eight!

Idol Madness: Mikalah vs. Kristy Lee

Mikalah Gordan, "Love Will Lead You Back", Season Four

vs.

Kristy Lee Cook, "Eight Days a Week", Season Seven

Guys, let me ask you: has there ever been, or will there ever be, a contestant on this show more obnoxious than Mikalah Gordon? Fran Drescher's mini-me came into our lives like a hurricane and much like a hurricane, left nothing but destruction and sadness in her wake. Her performance of "Love Will Lead You Back" during the second week of the finals was atrocious enough to not allow her to crack the top 10, meaning no one who paid good money to see Constantine eye-hump everyone would have Mikalah getting in the way.

On the other hand, someone who DID crack the top 10 and we'll have to suffer through on the tour is Kristy Lee f'ing Cook. Her off-key, crack-induced countrified performance of "Eight Days a Week" during Beatles' week pretty much annihilated the sanctity of the Fab Four. In fact, she's pretty much ruined every song she's touched. Remember when she sang Journey? That still pisses us off, too. So congratulations, KLC! We'll see you in the semifinals.

Idol Madness: Carmen vs. Antonella

(Scroll down to see the Idol Sweet Sixteen bracket.)

“Can’t Fight the Moonlight,” by Carmen Rasmussen, Season 2
versus
“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” by Antonella Barba, Season 6

Oh, Antonella. Where do we even start? How about talking about how I think of you anytime I pass the WWII Memorial here in DC, because you disgustingly and disrespectfully posed naked in its fountains? How about how obnoxious you and your BFF from New Jersey were during Hollywood Week? No, let’s get right to the heart of it, because this is, as Simon reminds us so frequently, a singing competition. She was just awful. AWFUL. I submit her attempt at Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” as Exhibit A. She tried to sex up a sappy ballad and failed miserably, falling flat on nearly every note, and acting almost as robotic as Kristy Lee does every week.

You know that sounds you used to make as a kid, when you’d talk into a fan and it made your voice vibrate? Carmen sounded like that ALL THE TIME. I wish she’d been as trashy as Antonella, because then she’d at least have been entertaining. But no, she was all Mormon and sitting on Clay’s lap and making us mad every week she was still there.

As awful and offensive as Antonella was, there’s no competition here. Carmen has to be our #1 Seed of Awful Performances, and has a solid season of absurdity to back it up. And while it’s not her fault, she’s got to take the prize on this one for the cheesy Casio keyboard sounding backup track, the screensaver behind her, and the sub-Gator Groove-level of production quality of season two. Congratulations, Carmen! You’re in the Elite Eight!

American Idol Madness

You didn’t think basketball was going to have all the fun, did you?

Below you will find our own American Idol Sweet Sixteen. These are the 16 performances that most stand out in our minds as being the most offensive, atrocious, or just downright wrong performances that have graced the Idol stage. We tried to give equal love to each season, but let’s face it, some seasons were just much more terrible than others. (We’re looking at you, season 5. It’s a good thing you gave us Daughtry and Yamin.)

We will analyze each head-to-head match-up until we declare a Worst Idol Performance Ever. And please trust me when I say, we will not enjoy this.