Idol Madness: Guarini vs. Sanjaya

Sanjaya Malakar, “You Really Got Me”
VS.
Justin Guarini, “Route 66”

Let’s call this one the Battle of the Hair.

I was never a fan of Justin Guarini, and I don’t remember this performance at all from season 1. It’s amazing, looking back, that this is the night Kelly wowed us all with “Stuff Like That There,” and eventual runner-up Justin serenaded us all with this cheese-tastic version of “Route 66.” He’s snapping his head so much it’s giving me whiplash. Oh look, now he’s trying to scat. I feel like I’m in a hotel lounge in Atlantic City. I feel like I should be rushing off to the craps tables.

As bad as Justin’s performance was, though, there is nothing – NOTHING – in my mind that could top the debacle that was “You Really Got Me” as interpreted by Sanjaya. I’m surprised I actually kept watching the show after this one. I’m guessing because that week Jordin also blew us away with “I Who Have Nothing” and Blake sang that ultra cool version of “Time of the Season” (still my second favorite Blake performance).

Back to Sanjaya.

This really was the worst performance in the history of the world. I’m sure there are worse singers than Sanjaya out there. There have probably been songs that have had worse performances on Idol – or on other stages – over the years. But the combination of all the elements of this one, all coming together on the same night, is untouchable. The strange sweater/glove combo Sanjaya was wearing with the graffitied up blazer? Check. The inappropriate grinding near Paula? Check. And then there was the crying girl. The girl who epitomized everything wrong with the Sanjaya Phenomenon of 2007. The girl who was EVERYWHERE for the next week.

Guarini doesn’t stand a chance. This is like the Yankees versus the Pirates. It’s Sanjaya in a blow-out.

Idol Madness: Chicken Little vs. The Other Brenna

Kevin Covais, "Part Time Lover"
VS.
Brenna Gethers, "Last Dance"

Lindsay mentioned yesterday feeling bad for Big Red John Stevens during his Idol tenure. I never really felt bad for him, but I did have some sympathy for poor little Chicken Little, Kevin Covais. Crammed into the awesome (Daughtry, Yamin) atrocity (Soul Patrol, Ace Young) that was Season 5, I imagine Covais was a little bit like Archuleta this year – not really fitting in with any of the big boys. At least John Stevens was on the show when it was still a little bit of a trainwreck and the only big boy he had to compete with was George Huff.

That said, there is zero excuse for the mess that was “Part Time Lover.” The concept of this little kid singing a song about “passion on the run” was wrong on every level. It’s the equivalent of Archuleta singing “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Everything about it – the lighting, the dancing, the singing – was awkward. I think even Stevie Wonder was thinking, “WTF?”

As for Brenna… oh, how upset I was when this girl ended up being the first Brenna on American Idol. Yes, Brenna was sassy and sometimes amusing. But she was kind of like Danny Noriega – all flair, not much substance. This one does contain one of my favorite Idol screensavers though – the fast moving city street – which, you know, screams Donna Summer and disco. Her take on “Last Dance” was certainly awful, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Chicken Little. Congrats, Kevin! You move on!

It ain't easy bein' Chikezie

Hey guys, it's Lindsay blogging tonight. For real, when did they decide that the results shows had to be an hour long? Weren't they always thirty minutes??? Help me out here, everyone. Jeebus. This show could be five minutes long. They should just post the losers on the internet and run back to back episodes of 'Til Death or something. Anyway, blah blah, 30 bajillion votes, jibba jabba about the songwriting contest, which I'm thinking about entering. If you just string together words like "moment", "now", "dream", "pride", and "believe", you have all makings of a hit song for the Idol winner!

Group sing. How bad do you think it pains Gramps and David C. to have to do these? You know those divas don't talk to any of the other contestants unless the cameras are on.

After the commercials, we have a giant long-ass product placement for iTunes. Does Steve Jobs have naked pictures of Nygel Lythgoe with a goat or something? There has been so much iTunes/iPhone promotion on this show this season. They should just make the top 12 take their pics with an iPhone in one hand and a Coke cup in the other while sitting on the hood of a Ford F150.

Recap of last night: Michael was seemingly awesome on the surface with all the lights and Queen bravado but I could not stop laughing; Ramiele so should not have gone there; Carly, who I did not think was nearly as bad as the judges made her out to be; Syeshazzzzzzzzz; Jason singing something that sounded exactly like what he sang two weeks ago; Chikezie, who really needs to step it up; David A. auditioning for Up with People; Brooke adorably messing up; Kristy Lee being disgusting and exploiting patriotism for her own personal gain; and David Cook saving this whole f'ing show.

Time for the results. Note: we're starting results at 9:14. THIS COULD SO BE OVER BY 9:30. Chikezie is up first and in an unprecedented move, Seacrest tells him he's in the bottom three. He almost never does that with the first one. I'm not surprised that he's in the bottom, but I really hope he's safe tonight. Brooke is clearly safe. Carly's next and she's safe too. Yay! I actually really enjoyed her last night, I didn't get why the judges were all on her shit. Commercials.

We're back with the FORD! commercial. "I Want You To Want Me"--this is the creepiest commercial yet. Singing tee shirts? Am I the only one who kind of thinks Brooke could rock this song? More results. Lil David, we know your asshole stage dad picked your song. It's okay, you're still safe. Just go to prom with that nice girl and forget you were ever on this show. David Cook--his positioning makes me nervous. We haven't had a bottom three'er in a while. PLEASE, I'm so sure Chris Cornell calls Ryan Seacrest. LMAO. David's safe, whew.

OK, Syesha is totally in the bottom. Wait for it....wait for it....and there we go. I would not be sad if she were gone. Hey, it's Gramps! Hi Grandpa! That phone's in the movie, Grandpa, that's not your phone! Just kidding Michael, you're kind of awesome. You're safe, way to go. DOLLY PARTON IS NEXT WEEK. YES. You guys, that shit is going to be so awesome, you don't even know. Please let David A. sing "9 to 5." Oh, hey, KLo's here? YAY! She was like the only decent woman who came out of season two. Carmen and Camille....shudder.

Why are they still making us suffer through these "calls"? American Idol is now apparently turning into Loveline, since this chick is calling to find out if Chikezie is single. Don't do it Chikezie! OK, dear America...you can't put David A. on the spot. If he doesn't have the answers programmed in by his dad beforehand, he'll implode! LMAO that girl's question to Simon was kind of hilarious. I could so do Ryan Seacrest's job. Right? Fast forward through the rest of the calls, make sure you tell me if I missed something good.

Yay Kimberley Locke! I really loved her. Blah blah, video package. Get on with the song! She is so fierce. I want that dress she's wearing in her after picture. She's so classy and wonderful. Thanks for not turning into a diva skank, KLo! Keep it real, girl. She sings and is perfectly lovely and I miss season two a little bit.

Commercials and we're back. Oh my God. OH MY GOD. SNOOP is going to be on Idol Gives Back. I am totally on board now. You guys, Snoop is the shit. I'm not even messing around. It's 9:44 and we don't even have a bottom three yet. GOD. Fast forwarding through Idol Gives Back recap #80000 of this season. OMG, Ramiele must not be in the bottom! Maybe it's Kristy Lee! God, Ramiele's baby voice is annoying. Over it. She's safe, blah.

It's down to Jason and our arch enemy Kristy Lee. I wouldn't be surprised if Jason was in the bottom, honestly. RYAN. LEE GREENWOOD DID NOT CALL YOU. Dammit, Kristy Lee is safe. That smell last night during her performance? Desperation. And America smelled it too and went with it. BOOOOO. I will be sad if Chikezie or Jason go. I could take or leave Syezzzzzzsha. Jason's safe, wow, that was a quick turn of events. Please be Syesha. Please be Syesha. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand...commercials, of course.

The guy from REO Speedwagon is going to be on Don't Forget the Lyrics? Seriously? I may have to watch that.

9:55 and we're FINALLY about to get the result. After some debating between the judges and Ryan....aww, man!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I am really sad about poor Chikezie. I'm actually really going to miss him, and his awesome family. We love you C-dawg!

So that's it for this week. I am so super psyched to be recapping Dolly Parton night next week!!! WOOO! Keep checking for the latest updates to our Idol Madness brackets. I'll be blogging next week's performance and Bren will take the results. Cheers!

Idol Madness: John vs. THE PICK

John Stevens, "Music of My Heart", season three

vs.

Kellie Pickler, "Bohemian Rhapsody", season five

Lindsay here, and sorry, we probably should have told you that Brenna wrote the first Idol Madness blog (AND created the bracket, for which she rocks my world), and I wrote the second and now the third. You know, I have to say, for the most part, I don't feel too badly for contestants on American Idol, or any other reality competition show for that matter. I mean, come on. You audition for a show that millions of people watch and the premise is to be JUDGED--you set yourself up for it, holmes. Don't try out if you don't want to be ripped apart.

That being sad--John Stevens was one of the only contestants EVER on any reality show (and I watch a shitload, believe me) that I actually felt sorry for. The kid was getting death threats at one point in the competition--I think it may have been after Jennifer Hudson was voted off, which was a total crock, but anyway. The point is, John Stevens totally knew he was wearing out his welcome on the show, but what was the kid supposed to do? Quit? Really though, how he got away with this song on "Latin" night still blows my mind. Just because Glo-E sang it, doesn't make it Latin.

And then there's the Pick. In hindsight, I think we should have all given the Pick more of a chance. That chick is awesome and is probably one of the most hilarious contestants ever to grace the Idol stage. I would love to pound a couple of beers with her and say words with more than four syllables so I could watch her drunkenly try to process them. And as Simon told her two years ago, she's ballsy. Did her twangy take on one of the greatest songs of all time make us cringe? Hell yes. Did we secretly covet how great she looked in those leggings and hooker boots? Well, maybe that was just me. And even though the judges all praised her up and down for this, at the time, we kind of hated her. But we love her now! So for that--we're giving the win this round to John Stevens. Go red! See you in the Elite Eight!

You say it's your birthday...

First of all, congrats to my boys, the Pittsburgh Penguins, for clinching a playoff berth and distancing themselves further from the New Jersey Devils for the division lead!!! I could go on, but this isn't a hockey blog. I'll leave that to Seth at Empty Netters and the boys at The Pensblog.

Burning questions from tonight’s episode: Ramiele liked to bite people? Is David A. losing momentum? Was that Sara Ramirez from Grey’s Anatomy in the audience? Can David C. actually win this thing? And what the F was Paula wearing?!

Each of the contestants are singing a song from the year in which they were born, which makes me feel really old.

Ramiele is leading off, singing Heart’s “Alone.” Ladies of American Idol, I beg you to retire this song for these reasons: a) it’s an awesome song, and very few people can come close to the original, and b) that one contestant who could sang the crap out of it a few seasons back, and everyone watching this show is thinking of her while you’re singing. Ramiele apparently didn’t get the memo. Little tiny parts of the song aren’t terrible, but overall it’s a trainwreck. Apparently she’s sick. I don’t care.

Happy birthday, Jason! I feel like Jason peaked way too early, and nothing is going to live up to his semifinals performances. He sings “Fragile,” by Sting, which I’ve never heard before tonight. It was kind of boring but he’s obviously back in his element. I have a note that he should enunciate more, but then Randy says something about Spanish… was he speaking Spanish? I really couldn’t tell, because he was mumbling through the entire song. It’s ok, but I’m not overly impressed.

Dear Syesha, stop doing the baby cry. Thank you. She sings “If I Were Your Woman” and absolutely nails it. I think she’s certainly got talent and can potentially stick around for awhile. I’m not motivated to vote for her though, and that lack of connection will be her eventual downfall.

Chekezie sings “If Only For One Night,” another song I’m not familiar with. He sounds good, but it’s a really boring song. I’m worried about him, and I want him to stick around so we can see his mom a few more times!

My girl Brooke tells us she learned the piano by ear. Wow. Do you guys realize how hard that is?? I took like six years of lessons and still suck. She tackles “Every Breath You Take,” and the first part is gorgeous – just her and the piano. But then the band kicks in halfway through, and it just doesn’t click. I agree with Simon and Randy – had she continued alone, it would have been gorgeous. She’s not in any danger though. Woo!

I’m really not sure where to start with Michael. On one hand, his medley of songs featured in the Mighty Ducks movies (a.k.a. “We Will Rock You” and “We Are the Champions”) was kind of awesome. On the other hand, it was totally cheesy. But on the first hand, he looked like he was actually having fun again. But on the other hand, I felt like I was at the Super Bowl. I think I’ll concede that it was kind of a “so bad it’s good” instance, and I think Michael is safe for another week.

Carly sings one of my favorites, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” This is the first time I’ve actually really enjoyed one of her performances. I completely disagree with the judges, and I think she is superb. I do agree that the last few notes were off, but overall it was a solid performance. Again, not motivated enough to vote for her though.

Oh, Little David. I cry a little when he says he was born in 1990, and I cry a little more when he sings one of the worst songs the Idol stage has ever seen. Guys, it was TERRIBLE. The song was awful, his awkward dancing was awful, and he was off-pitch more often than not. Obviously he’s not going anywhere, but I really think he’d be better off co-headlining a tour with Hannah Montana & Zac Efron.

Our arch-nemesis, Kristy Lee, is next singing “God Bless the USA.” It’s another cheesy song with cheesy American flag graphics, but surprisingly it’s not the worst performance of the night. I refuse to waste any more words on her though.

And it’s up to David C. to close out the show. Guys, I think I really like him. Like, really really like him. I still have to kind of close my eyes when he performs, because I feel almost as dirty watching him as I do watching “Rock of Love,” but his version of “Billie Jean” tonight is AWESOME. It’s the only performance of the night that I’ll remember in a few days. I may actually download it from iTunes. And he may actually have a chance of winning this thing. If in late May, we’re watching him sing whatever terrible song won the songwriting contest this year while confetti is raining down, remember that on March 25, at 9:25 pm, I received this text message from Lindsay: “He is going to win.”

So there you have it, folks. I think the bottom three will be Ramiele, Chekezie, and Jason. I hate to say it, but I think Kristy Lee will get enough patriotic/sympathy votes to stay above the bubble this week.

Lindsay is back tomorrow with another round of Idol Madness, as well as the results recap!

Idol Madness: Mikalah vs. Kristy Lee

Mikalah Gordan, "Love Will Lead You Back", Season Four

vs.

Kristy Lee Cook, "Eight Days a Week", Season Seven

Guys, let me ask you: has there ever been, or will there ever be, a contestant on this show more obnoxious than Mikalah Gordon? Fran Drescher's mini-me came into our lives like a hurricane and much like a hurricane, left nothing but destruction and sadness in her wake. Her performance of "Love Will Lead You Back" during the second week of the finals was atrocious enough to not allow her to crack the top 10, meaning no one who paid good money to see Constantine eye-hump everyone would have Mikalah getting in the way.

On the other hand, someone who DID crack the top 10 and we'll have to suffer through on the tour is Kristy Lee f'ing Cook. Her off-key, crack-induced countrified performance of "Eight Days a Week" during Beatles' week pretty much annihilated the sanctity of the Fab Four. In fact, she's pretty much ruined every song she's touched. Remember when she sang Journey? That still pisses us off, too. So congratulations, KLC! We'll see you in the semifinals.

Idol Madness: Carmen vs. Antonella

(Scroll down to see the Idol Sweet Sixteen bracket.)

“Can’t Fight the Moonlight,” by Carmen Rasmussen, Season 2
versus
“I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing,” by Antonella Barba, Season 6

Oh, Antonella. Where do we even start? How about talking about how I think of you anytime I pass the WWII Memorial here in DC, because you disgustingly and disrespectfully posed naked in its fountains? How about how obnoxious you and your BFF from New Jersey were during Hollywood Week? No, let’s get right to the heart of it, because this is, as Simon reminds us so frequently, a singing competition. She was just awful. AWFUL. I submit her attempt at Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” as Exhibit A. She tried to sex up a sappy ballad and failed miserably, falling flat on nearly every note, and acting almost as robotic as Kristy Lee does every week.

You know that sounds you used to make as a kid, when you’d talk into a fan and it made your voice vibrate? Carmen sounded like that ALL THE TIME. I wish she’d been as trashy as Antonella, because then she’d at least have been entertaining. But no, she was all Mormon and sitting on Clay’s lap and making us mad every week she was still there.

As awful and offensive as Antonella was, there’s no competition here. Carmen has to be our #1 Seed of Awful Performances, and has a solid season of absurdity to back it up. And while it’s not her fault, she’s got to take the prize on this one for the cheesy Casio keyboard sounding backup track, the screensaver behind her, and the sub-Gator Groove-level of production quality of season two. Congratulations, Carmen! You’re in the Elite Eight!