Top 9 Do Rock n Roll OR: FILTHY HOT MESS

So apparently we're doing Rock and Roll HOF songs again? I mean, with all the different types of music in the world and so many different categories, I really don't understand the repeating of the themes year in and year out. Sigh.

The opening is weird. It's like my cable cut to it in the middle or something. Ryan's like running out on stage with the nine behind him. It's all manic. Down to nine, AND the show tonight is only 90 minutes. WOOT. This week Gwen Stefani styled the contestants. That could either be awesome or a filthy hot mess.

Blah blah, Steven got his act together enough to give us a promo for the RnR HOF and showed us some costumes or something. I would seriously love to be Ryan Seacrest sometimes. He has one of the most fun jobs in TV. Oooh looks like James is in the pimp spot. Why the HELL is will.i.am here again??? God, doesn't he have anything else to do? It's like when Alec Baldwin or Justin Timberlake randomly show up at SNL every other week.

Jacob's up first. Singing "Man in the Mirror" which is apparently the new MJ song for Idol contestants. Thanks, Kris Allen! Jacob's dressed all in white and he kills this joint. I think Jacob is really starting to grow on me. I liked this a lot. Great way to open the show. Wow, people in the audience are going APESHIT for him.

After the break, we've got Haley, who I started enjoying last week. This week she's doing "Piece of My Heart" which has also been done to pieces on this show, but I think this is a perfect choice for her and she'll totally nail this. This is dope. I'm surprised they didn't put this later in the show. Not the pimp spot since she had it last week, but maybe second to last. I would so fall on my ass if I tried to even stand in those shoes, let alone jam on stage. Go girl.

Now we've got Casey, who I thought rocked last week. So apparently he was going to sing "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" but then he changed it to "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?" by CCR. Which kind of makes sense if you're Casey, I think. I wish he had done the other song I think. This sounds really good, but I'm kind of bored. He's playing a giant upright bass and some guy who looks like Duff Goldman is playing the ukelele. Casey really needs a Crest Whitestrip. Dudes, Randy's jacket...the hell?? So.....shiny.

Up next is Lauren, who was also good last week. She looks like she has no idea WTF will.i.am is telling her. Poor Lauren. I know, hon. Giant flower in her hair=Jasmine Trias. Oooh, formal shorts. Yikes. She's doing "Natural Woman." Let's hear it, girlfriend. Oh wait wait wait, that is a ROMPER she is wearing, not formal shorts. Jesus H. I wonder if she's sick or something, she looks totally freaked and has zero stage presence. Sounds good though. Wow, Christian Slater, easy on the forehead Botox, my friend.

After the break, we've got James. Ooops, so I lied about him in the pimp spot. So that means Pia, Stefano, Scotty or Paul get it...hmm. I bet it's Pia. Or Paul. Anyway, HI JAMES! This week he's doing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by George Harrison. This is really good. Great control by James, shows that he can do more than just the yelly kind of rock songs, which I've read is a criticism of him. I love James, you guys.

Up next is #oldladyvote singing an Elvis song. Of course. "That's All Right." I'm so bored of Scotty, guys. Thank God they didn't give him the pimp spot with this. Guys, so many things. Scotty is wearing a freaking CANADIAN TUXEDO, first of all. Second of all, Randy's saying he's not a one trick pony??? IS HE SERIOUS? OF COURSE HE IS. That's why he is STILL HERE. LDJSALFADJLFADS;LFA;LFALASDJFOI3UROIJFLKAJF;

OK, I need to move on. Hi Pia! You look amazing tonight....from the neck up that is, sheesh. What ballad are you going to treat us to this evening? Oooh, not a ballad? Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High." God, will.i.am is seriously like a cartoon. WTF does he even mean half the time?? This is awesome, Pia sounds amazing. Her outfit though, my God. Gwen, come on. Why are you making everyone look like an asshole? Thanks for not singing a ballad, Pia.

Stefano is next, so that means Paul's got the PS. I hope he does something crazy. OK, seriously Stefano? "When a Man Loves a Woman??" BLECH. OK, I just figured out who he looks like. Joey Tribbiani. Or, Matt LeBlanc I guess, LOL. And since Stefano's performance is lame and boring, let's fill this graph with excellent Joey lines. "It hurts my Joey's apple!" "Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo." "Hi, I'm Chandler...could I BE wearing any more clothes??" "In my spare time, I'm a mento for kids." Anyway, JLO loves the performance because she wants to bang Stefano, and I'm not real sure what the other ones said 'cause I was looking up quotes.

So last but not least we've got good old Paul in the pimp spot. Singing "Folsum Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash. SO not what I would have picked for Paul, seriously. But I bet it's good. I just noticed will.i.am's shoes are covered in glitter. Wow. Paul's rocking a ruffly shirt and is REALLY into the song. This is great, I love Paul. What an unexpectedly fun number. And his teeth are blinding, seriously. Like Paul's teeth...then Casey's teeth. LOL.

So tonight was kind of a hot mess and kind of awesome at the same time. B3 might be Jacob, since he went early and I forgot about him already LOL, maybe Stefano and actually Casey could end up there again because he was kind of boring. I didn't think Lauren was the greatest either but she might squeak through. Brenna will recap your results and the return of effing CONSTANTINE MAROULIS to the Idol stage....whaaaat?!