It don't mean a thing

Well, faithful readers, you're getting this on Thursday morning because I decided to have some tequila last night. Oops. THIS... is American Idol.

Hey, is that Vanessa Abrams in the audience? Where's Chuck Bass? Ryan introduces the judges, and I've already lost a point in the EW poll because Simon is wearing a white shirt, not black. We get the FORD!!! video right off the bat, something with a hybrid and the world being made of energy, and then we're into the group number. Since I didn't get a chance to comment on last night, let me say it now - Rat Pack music is the best music ever written. They absolutely do not write songs like this anymore. The top 5 tackle "Don't Mean a Thing" and I start having flashbacks to HS show choir... and then they segue into "I Got Rhythm," and I promptly stand up in my living room and start doing the choreography from my junior year musical. Yeah, I'm a dork. You can laugh at me while I go watch GLEEEE.

Next is the reason why these results shows really should be no more than 10 minutes long. We're treated to a video in which the Idols try to make birthday cakes, which ends up in a massive food fight, which is actually kind of amusing because Gokey gets the brunt of it.

We start the results process, and of course they do the 2 people here, 2 people there, & Adam in the middle having to choose. He goes with Allison & Danny, who are actually the safe ones this week, making your bottom 3 Kris, Adam, & Matt. Allison is all "what the heck?" The judges are all "what the heck?" And I'm basically like, duh, we're down to 5 people, and obviously SOMEONE needs to go home.

Natalie Cole performs next, looking stunning as usual. Holy crap, she's 59! (Thank you, Wiki.) When I was a kid, my dad had her "Unforgettable" album, the one where she sang with her dad, and I used to love it. I need to get that one again.

Annnnnnd it's time for the return of the Soul Patrol. As we watch this, I'd like to remind you that this guy won over Chris Daughtry and Elliot Yamin. I watch for about 30 seconds, long enough to remind myself how obnoxious he is, and then it's fast forward city.

Ryan sends Kris back to safety (WOOOO), but since there's still 20 minutes left in this show, of course we won't get any resolution yet. We've got Jamie Foxx instead, doing some terrible hip hop song, because that makes total sense for Rat Pack week.

Finally, it's results time. Adam is safe, meaning Matt is going home for the second time. At least we got a few extra weeks of him. I think his problem was his inconsistency - when he was on, he was awesome, but when he wasn't, he was rough. His rendition tonight was actually much much better than his one on the performance show! Darn it Matt. I'll definitely miss him.

OMG, next week is rock & roll week. WITH SLASH. Hopefully, Allison will kick ass & Gokey will crash & burn. See you then!

I'm so 3008.

Tonight, we've got all four guys in suits (Adam's is white, of course), and Allison in a demure (for her) dress and hairdo. Must be...Rat Pack standards night! :P Can you believe we only have three weeks left until the finale? I feel like this season has lasted forever.

OK, so we have some sort of mystery mentor this week. Could it be Michael Buble? Tony Bennett? Come on, that would be just silly. It's...Jamie Foxx? LMAO. I guess it makes sense...in like 50 years, "Blame It" will totally be a classic standard, right? And I mean, he DID play Ray Charles that one time. Sheesh.

We come back from the break, and for a minute I think the show's brought Dunkleman back, because it's an aerial shot of two dudes in suits. But it's just Ryan hanging out with Kris. Wow, he's hot in a suit. Drool. I'm sorry, what? Oh right, the song. So he's doing "The Way You Look Tonight." Aww, that's nice.

Guys, Kris is awesome. I mean, this is very Kris, it's kind of what we've come to expect, but it doesn't make it any less good. And he's not a schmuck about it, DANNY. Seriously, I said it last week...when did Kris become my favorite?

Can I just say, I really, really hope tonight isn't jam packed full of schmoopy ballads. Because...it doesn't have to be. Case in point: Kelly.

Up next is Allison. Aww, she turned 17 this week! She's doing "Someone to Watch Over Me," and Jamie Foxx actually gives her half decent advice, about not thinking about a boyfriend or a lover because she's young, but thinking about her family.

I love her. Love, love love her. This is great. And the judges actually give her the credit she's been due, since, oh I don't know, the semi finals??? I hope she lives another week, I don't get why people don't vote for her.

OK, Matt's doing "My Funny Valentine." I hate this song. Meh. At least he's got a fedora on covering that mole. I don't really like this. I have problems with Matt tonight. This sounds kind of off-key and "pitchy, dawg." OMG, Randy totally told him it was pitchy, hahaha. Simon apparently thought it was brilliant, so maybe I'm deaf or stupid or something, but I hated it. Matt's probably in trouble.

God, Danny. Which means Adam's in the pimp spot, so you know whatever shit he's got going on is gonna be nuts. I didn't even write down what song Danny is singing, that's how over him I am. Same shit, different week. You wanna know what Danny would be like as a recording artist? Watch tomorrow night when Taylor Hicks is on.

Also, I figured out what is it that bothers the hell out of me about Danny Gokey. For me, the show is as much about performance and vocal techinique as it is about personality traits. For example, you all know how I hate the judge backtalk. I loved Brooke last year, except when she wouldn't STFU in front of the judges. And Lil drove me insane this year.

Now, I know some of our readers aren't huge Adam Lambert fans, but here's my point: when Adam finishes his number, he waits for his critiques and is polite when he thanks the judges, etc. Same with Kris, Matt, etc. Danny freakin' Gokey, as soon as he finishes singing, immediately starts bellowing out "THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" to the audience like he's Bon freakin' Jovi or something, and he just finished a three-hour set on the "One Wild Night" tour. (Yeah, I may have been to a Bon Jovi show or two. :P)

That annoys the shit out of me. DUDE. You aren't a star yet. You haven't won. Lock it the hell up with your overeffusive, screaming words of thanks to your "fans." If you appreciate that, good for you, but I hate it.

That being said, I think Danny does have an amazing voice. I'm just tired of him on this show. And also wouldn't buy his album. And as I said via text to Bren tonight "he's gonna win this whole effing thing, isn't he?" Gah.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Moving on! GLEEEEE! If you don't think this show looks awesome, then I can't help you. You will be awarded no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

So Lambert's got the pimp spot for like the third time this season, I think. He's doing "Feelin' Good", which kind of surprises me. Honestly though, I guess I don't really know what he would have picked. Maybe "My Way" or something.

He does this really weird, insane version of the song, complete with this totally over the top entrance on the stairs--will someone just put this guy in a dress already? This for me was on par with the weirdness of "Ring of Fire" but I'd still watch this 100 times before I'd rewatch Danny Gokey, so there's that.

So that's our top 5. These blog entries are going faster now that we aren't recapping 10+ people, lol. Tune it for Taylor Hicks (aaand, fast forward) tomorrow night and to find out who goes home. Obviously, I'd love for it to be Gokey, but it's going to be either Matt or Allison, unfortunately. At this point, I'd rather have Al stay than Matt. Adios!

Gee whiz!

We open on another uber-intense montage that has become par for the course on results night now. Blah blah, I gave it my all, blah blah, it's up to America now. And THIS is American Idol.

Seacrest tells us that the save was invoked last week, and tonight, "no one is safe." Except for...the five people who DON'T get eliminated? You suck sometimes, Ryan. Tonight we're subjected to some kind of disco medley and an appearance by David "Gosh gee whiz!" Archuleta. Dear god.

You know what's funny? In 12 short weeks, Brenna and I have gone from loving Kara to hating her, and from totally being in Danny Gokey's corner to wishing his goofy ass would get cut. I love this show sometimes.

Oooh, Paula is choreographing the group medley this week! Their rehearsals actually look kind of intense. Less seat dancing, I suppose, now that Scott's out of the way. Sorry, but it's true. Hey, Kris is a really good dancer! The group number is as much of a train wreck as you'd expect, complete with assy disco outfits.

After the FORD! commercial, time for results. Lil, please stand up. You basically have karaoked every diva song known to man in your time on the show. Would you please...step over here? Yes, she's in the B3! Oooh wait...she's eliminated! Wow, moving through it tonight, eh, Seacrest? She sings out and bam, she's out of our lives 15 minutes into the show. Peace out, Lil!

Oh god, time for the disco medley. So someone name Freda Payne comes out and starts singing and....I flip over to catch the end of the Caps/Rangers game. What? It's hockey playoffs, piss on Freda Payne! Flip back over and now it's someone who apparently has four boobs. I think her name is Thelma Houston, based on the info on my TV guide channel. When the 100-year old guy from KC & the Sunshine Band comes on, I give him 5 seconds before the game comes back on.

More results. Kris--safe. Woop! When did Kris become my favorite? Adam--safe. Anoop--B3. Deservedly so. Danny--safe, but only after we're subjected to his asinine rambings for a few minutes. Down to Allison and Matt, which, eff. Whoever it is, I hope they are spared because Anoop goes home. And it's Allison. DAMMIT, America! Why aren't people voting for this girl???

And now I have to deal with Archuleta before we find out the results. He's singing a really terrible song called "Touch My Hand" complete with what appears to be cheesy home videos playing in the background. This is awful. I wish they had booked Kellie Pickler for two appearances and cut this one, because at least the Pick is hilarious.

And it's the result...WHEW, Anoop's out! Sorry, Noop Dawg, but my girl has to stick around for a while. I'm not sure when exactly my interest in Anoop started waning but it may have been around the third week in a row that he sang a ballad.

I have to say, aside from Gokey, I have no beef with this top five. My fave Allison is still here, and I hope she sticks around for a good while, Adam always entertains me, and Kris and Matt are consistently good and always deliver. We'll be back next week. Golly gee!

Talkin' bout crazy cool medallions

I don't understand why Idol attempts disco almost every year. This is absolutely the most dated genre in all of music (seriously, even swing music has made a comeback) and yet even as the judges complain about someone not being "contemporary" they make them sing music from Abba and the Bee Gees.

Top 7 again this week. Since Matt was saved, 2 people go home this week. No intros, they jump right into Lil taking on "I'm Every Woman," continuing her quest to pick songs way too big for her every week. Side note: Lil's hair looks fabulous, but someone should tell her no woman - not even EVERY WOMAN - should wear a lycra leotard unless they're in the Fame remake. The performance is all fine, but not great, much as it's been with Lil for the past 5 weeks. The judges all agree, and some BS about Lil's inner goddess will make the show run over as usual.

Kris tackles an acoustic version of "She Works Hard For the Money," and it actually totally works. I think it's the first time on this show that I haven't found this song incredibly cheesy. Paula completely embarrasses everyone in the room by talking about Kris shopping in the women's department, an analogy that goes on waaaay too long, but basically they all love it, as do I. And guys? I actually think Kris might have a shot at winning this thing.

Danny is singing "September" by Earth Wind & Fire, and I go, oh this song. It's every bit as obnoxious as I'd imagined it would be, but at least he's not wearing a fake fro or dancing (too much). Oh wait, I spoke too soon. There's the dancing. His voice sounded good, as usual, but there was nothing original about it whatsoever. The judges are all over it though, of course, because they're contractually obligated to pimp him.

Allison is sassing out to "Hot Stuff" in some pleather/bedazzled contraption. And, let me tell you, it's hot. I feel a little awkward watching a 16-year-old sing that. The arrangement sounds a little like if Marilyn Manson and Gwen Stefani did a mashup, and unlike the judges, I mostly love it. Another side note: I love watching Simon when Paula is talking, because he looks thoroughly confused. The end of the night recap reminds me how much I loved this performance, and I just might need to download it tomorrow.

Adam Lambert is up next, doing "If I Can't Have You." Figures, the one week his crazy shit would actually work, he's slowing it down. Can I be honest? This sounds like the big romantic moment of a Broadway musical version of Saturday Night Fever. It's all good, as usual, but I just don't connect with him, even if Kara and Paula do. OMG, Simon is HILARIOUS when Paula is a mess and even more so when he tells Adam he thought he'd do some Donna Summer. Also, fun fact: LFO apparently did a remake of this song. Wiki told me so.

And finally, the first Bee Gees song of the evening ("Stayin Alive"), brought to you by Matt. I think he borrowed this jacket from Clay's season 2 Bee Gees night. Evidence here. (I also apparently referenced this jacket in the blog last year. It must've made quite an impression on me.) It sounds to me like he's trying a little too hard. The judges mostly love it, which surprises me a little. It was fun, but not memorable at all, and tonight was the first time I thought Matt was trying to be a little too much JT. He's Barry F'in Gibb!

Anoop closes the show with "Dim All The Lights," and it's pretty rough. He sounds like he's straining himself during the entire song, and generally it's a really boring song. Again, should've gone up tempo. Kara is on crack, claiming that the last two weeks have been Anoop's best performances. Um, Kara, not at all. I wasn't a fan, and you know I'm a huge Anoop fan. At least he looks good.

Unfortunately, I think it's the real end of the road for either Matt or Anoop this week, and based on tonight my money's on Anoop. I think Lil will join him exiting this week, finally. Lindsay will handle tomorrow's results show... till then, GO PENS!

Theme of the night: Save

And I'm not just talking about the show. In case you weren't aware, the Pens beat the Flyers in Game 1 of the first round of NHL playoffs!!! Goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury only allowed one goal and had 26 SAVES. Pittsburgh WHAT?

Ahem. Moving on to the Idol results show, this blog may be slightly abbreviated, because I watched it after the game was over and FFWDed a lot. Sorry about it.

We open the show with an intense montage, with that movie guy type voiceover. You know what I mean. It's weird. Lots of dramatic shots of the kids, of QT, blah de blah. Tonight our special guests are Jennifer Hudson and "recording" "artist" Miley Cyrus. Ugh. I sense some fast-forwarding on my part at about 9:35ish.

FORD! commercial to "Freeze Frame." Matt is singled out...either this means he's out or he's the one that Seacrest tries to make choose between the two groups to decide which is the bottom. And now the group number, "Maniac" which was actually from Flashdance but I can't hear it without thinking of Tommy Boy--did you eat a lot of paint chips as a kid? Matt's singled out again in this number...this may not bode well.

You know what commercial I think is hilarious? That Vitamin Water commercial with Mother Nature and all the animals, where the wolf keeps eating the gophers. Sometimes I rewind just to watch that. I'm lame.

God, more filler. Now we have the kids at the "17 Again" premiere, also known as "Big" in reverse. Hey, Zac Efron's here! Maybe he and Adam will share makeup tips after the show is over. Seriously, it's like 20 min in and we don't even know anyone who's safe yet.

Ooh here we go! Allison's up first...and she's safe! YES! Oooh, and I was totally wrong, they aren't going to put them into the two groups this year. Maybe they realized that was stupid and was a crazy twist the first time they did it in like, Season 4. Moving on, Adam--safe. Anoop--in the B3. Sigh. I have to say, I'm kind of bored by Anoop any more.

After the commercials, we get JHud's journey from Idol to Oscar. She rules so bad. She was totally robbed in Season 3. Fantasia doesn't have an Oscar, though, LOL. She sings, it's great, way to go Jennifer.

GLLEEEEEE!!!! OK, break's over, and we've got Kris and Lil. I'm so tired of Lil, you guys. If she doesn't go this week, I might break something. And she's in the B3. Score! One step closer. Down to Gokey and Matt, as if there's any suspense. Sure enough, Matt's in the B3 again. Dammit, America! And Seacrest sends Anoop back to safety. Crap...well, if he would have sent Lil, I would have been more pissed.

Hey, look, Miley Cyrus! Aaaaaaand...fast forward. Sorry guys, look it up on You Tube if you want to know anything about this performance. So now we're back to Lil and Matt and the lowest vote-getter this week is...Matt. BOOOOOOOOOOO. God, now I sound like Randy when they intro Simon.

Matt sings, and I'll be honest, I FFWD because this song is kind of lame, and I wish he hadn't picked it. So there's some scuffling around with the judges at the end and Simon finally tells Matt it's...GOOD NEWS! The judges have invoked "THE SAVE"!

Oh but then Simon throws up a curve ball and reminds us that next week, TWO people will get cut and also, it's disco week! BWAHAHAHA....what a freakin' nightmare. And it's my turn to blog performance night, oh yay!

So that's that, peeps. Pens win, and Matty G. is safe for another week. Maybe next week is when America will figure out that there really isn't anything all that special about Gokey, and that Lil is kind of annoying. Tune in and find out!

Reservoir Idol

Ladies & gentlemen, this is Quintin Tarantino, so tonight is going to be bizarre slash awesome. What the hell does Quintin know about music? Who cares. Paula apparently thought tonight was Tribute to Disco Balls Night, and dressed accordingly. So Fox has finally realized that the judges can't be held accountable to SHUT THE HELL UP, and they're only allowing them to judge two at a time. (Note: they STILL run over by two and a half minutes. Why don't we cut out the tribute to Tarantino and instead let Cowell talk? Also, did they get Tarantino's hair for Ben's atrocious wig in the flashbacks last week on Lost?)

Allison kicks it off with "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," aka most overdone song ever in life. Cookster sang this not even a year ago. There are a zillion songs that Allison could've picked that are better than this one, but oh well. She was what, 5 when this movie came out? Maybe it's a classic for her. It's a subpar performance for my girl, but that said, I'd rather watch her than most of the other contestants tonight. Apparently the judges decide to pick tonight to notice her talent though, which is weird, because last week she was a million times better.

ANOOOOOP is up next doing "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)". Quintin tells him to rough it up, and it's a little scary. Anoop does nothing rough whatsoever, and proceeds to almost crack up in front of him. I'm a little confused by Anoop's jacket tonight. He sounds pretty awesome, but this is another waaaaay too overdone song on this show, so I'm bored by it. OMG, Simon hates not talking. This is hilarious.

Lambert is next, and he's doing "Born to Be Wild," and allegedly adding some kind of "electronic" element. Man, I wish he'd done "Eye of the Tiger." Dude, guyliner is out of control tonight. So, I had been coming around to Lambert in the past few weeks, but this just pushes me back away again. It's so self-indulgent and ridiculous. Yeah, he can perform. I've said that for weeks. But I'm just not into this.

Seriously, they won't let Simon talk, and instead we get Seacrest & Matt on the stools o' Coke for 5 minutes?! Matt is doing "To Really Love a Woman," which I did not know was from a movie. BTW, Quintin is actually a decent mentor, and he's offering some pretty good advice. Sorry, Linds, Matt isn't wearing a fedora tonight. The first part, with just him & the piano, is fantastic, but it gets a little rough at times when the entire band kicked in. I'd still buy a Matt album anyday though. Guys, Simon is being hilarious in the background. He can't not talk.

I literally just stopped fast forwarding through the commercials in order to watch the "Glee" commercial. I am so sad I'll be away when it airs.

Gokey apparently didn't have any glasses to match his blazer tonight, so he's sporting some contacts. He is singing "Endless Love"from "Happy Gilmore." ("What? Friends listen to 'Endless Love' in the dark.") With a harp. I wish I could critique it for you, but I got distracted by the IMDB quote page for "Happy Gilmore." So, instead:

Shooter McGavin: You're in big trouble though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

Kris gets points for the best song choice tonight, doing "Falling Slowly" from "Once," which won the Oscar for best song last year. Anyone else wondering if this was he and his wife's first dance at their wedding? It starts off a little iffy, but once it hits his higher register, it's just beautiful. It's such a gorgeous song - it's not hard at all, just so pretty. I love it.

Lil closes out the show, and it's a winner already, because she didn't choose a song from "The Bodyguard." Instead, she's doing "The Rose." Is it me, or has Lil just given up? I didn't get much of a fighting vibe from that one. And my DVR cuts off right as Lil and Simon start arguing, so someone is going to have to bring me up to speed on that one.

Tonight was full of mostly mediocre performances of overdone songs. Kris is really the only one who stands out when I'm thinking back, so I'd say almost anyone else (except for probably Danny & Adam) are at risk. Lindsay will take the results show tomorrow, since I'm incapable of paying attention to anything aside from hockey tomorrow. GO PENS!!!!!

Frankie Avalon, Flo Rida and Kellie Pickler--discuss.

I have to take a moment before I get into tonight's ep to announce that my two worlds collided this evening. Clay muthableepin' Aiken was a guest judge on tonight's episode of Top Model. WHAAAAAAT? LMAO! You guys, it was hilarious. I know some of you who read this watch that show too...how hilarious was it at panel when Miss J was being Miss J and Clay just lost his shit and put his head down on the table? I rewound that part like four times!

Ahem, anyway...on to the show! We open on a tense, dramatic montage from last night. Hey, Mario Lopez is in the audience! Do you think Simon even knows who he is? He's like three feet away from him. Paula's rocking some 1950s mother of the bride gloves tonight, wtf?

There's some weirdness with Paula and Simon and an old timey looking photo, and then we go to "the most popular song" from the year Simon was born. Seriously, why? And we wonder why the show runs over.

But wait! Some old dude comes out singing the song live. Oh, guess that old dude is Frankie Avalon, the original guy from the footage. This is lame. Sorry to anyone who enjoyed this, but: fast forward. Now it's the lip synched group number of the evening, from the year Idol was "born", which is 2002. "Can't Get U Outta My Head"--blah. This is awful and weird. Lil and Al are cast as the hos in this number, being all seductive on like half the male contestants. Gross.

After the break, we get the behind the scenes at the FORD! shoot. This commercial is actually pretty awesome. It's set to Britney's "Circus" and features cool makeup and magician shit. Too bad Gokey had to ruin the effect of his cool make up with his dumb glasses. Hey, the mayor from Kalamazoo is here to support Matt! Random.

First round of results: Adam, Kris and Anoop stand up. This does not bode well for Noop Dawg. The judges have to give Adam all his critiques because the stupid show cut off last night, but are they really going to say anything surprising? Time sucker, move on! Adam is safe, no shocker there. Kris is also safe, putting Anoop in the bottom three. Aw, Noopster.

After the break, we have an extremely obscene performance by Flo Rida and whoever this horrible "singer" is that does the Right Round song with him. She is TERRIBLE. Blah. Get on with it!! Why do we need to have three performances plus a shitty group number? NO ONE CARES, IDOL! I need to go back and watch Clay interacting with Tyra Banks to calm my nerves.

Second round of results: Gokey--safe. As if. Matt, after Seacrest dicks around with him for a while--is safe! Woo!! Scott--bottom three. Thank God. We're down to Allison and Lil. I've pretty much resigned myself to always expect Al in the B3, because people are stupid.

AHHH!! America finally got it right! LIL joins Anoop and Scott in the B3. As long as Anoop comes back to safety, I couldn't give two shits whether it's Scott or Lil who gets the boot. And I really don't think they'll save either of those two. Simon says there's "one in particular" who they would consider saving. Better be ANOOOOP!

After the break, the PICK! Guys, I love Pickler so bad. She comes out and looks HOT in this teeny weeny dress (that has her boob implants nicely tucked away, thanks Kellie) and ridiculous stripper shoes. She still can't really sing worth a damn and this sounds like any other country song out there, but she's so fun. Yay Kellie!

Finally, some results. Lil--sent back to safety. Dammit, down to Anoop and Scott. And the person with the lowest number of votes is...Scott. OK, they cannot use the save on him. We're subjected to his mediocre performance again, and the judges take way, WAY too long to make the call on this one. I'm starting to get nervous. COME ON. Don't waste the save!!!

In the end, the judges do what's right and eliminate Scott. Whew. And I got the prediction poll on ew.com right again for the third week in a row! WOOO!

Tune in next week for our top seven performances, and for the results show that will ultimately make Danny Gokey pick which one of the two groups of three is the B3, because the show is effed up like that. Good night!

'Cause I can't make you love me....

It's everyone's favorite night of the Idol season! Songs from the year you were born! Translation: elevator music, because all of the cool songs from those years, the show can't get the rights to, because the Beatles song book is still on layaway. And the good news is, the show is down to an hour! YAY! Although I am DVRing the first five minutes of Fringe just in case.

Looking at the lineup, I realized that there is no one left that I really hate. I mean, yeah, I wish Scott would go away pretty soon, and Lil is kind of a dud, but everyone is generally okay. I'll probably hate Scott more if he makes it through to next week and Matt or Anoop gets cut, but we'll see. I know a lot of people hate Adam Lambert, but I'm not one of those people. So let's get down to it!

We don't see the judges parade in tonight, but that's because we have to see their baby pictures during their intros. Weird. Also, why did Randy and Kara get actual baby photos and Paula and Simon get goofy-looking childhood photos? And Seacrest was creepy as a child.

First up tonight is Gokey, who was born in 1980, officially making him the oldest contestant on the show. After lots of footage of him and his family, and some embarrassing photos, he's singing "Stand By Me"--wow, guess that song spoiler site I read earlier today was wrong LOL.

This is okay. It's very Gokey. I hate this arrangement, it's weird and sounds dated. Also, he's wearing an ensemble that I think Clay Aiken probably would have worn in his season. He sounds great, it's all fine, it's just very predictable and nothing all that special. He's got some mad vocal skills though. I wish he had picked a different song. The judges all blow sunshine up his ass, as is their way.

Sidebar: when Adam came into the living room on the commercial break, he's like, "Who went already?" And when I said Danny, he goes "Who the hell is that? Is that the blind guy?" Nice to see you're paying attention, babe!

Next up we have cutie Kris, who was born in 1985, making him the same age as my sister. I feel old. He's going to be doing "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." Not sure how this is going to go, could be interesting. Oh man, he's in the mosh pit. I hate when they do that.

This is okay. I feel like he's trying too hard to John Mayer it up or something. I don't really love it, but I love Kris. Good singer, weird song choice.

Lil was born in 1984 and is shockingly not singing a Whitney song. Instead, we've got a Tina Turner song. "What's Love Got to Do (Got To Do) With It." Yeah, I made up that title myself.

So Lil comes out all trying to be sexy in some booty-hugging black dress and a leather vest, and it's just not working for me. I can't see her as sexy. I like her better this week than I have in weeks past, but...eh. The judges don't like it either, and all come down pretty hard on her

Up next we've got ANOOOOOP, born in 1986. There's some discussion about him being rude to Kara last week, which I totally missed somehow.

OK, he's singing "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper and I. Hate. This. Song. When I was in high school, I worked at a Staples, okay, and the Phil Collins version of this song played constantly on the store's Musak. I was BURNED OUT on "True Colors", you guys. HATE IT.

Also, I'm over ballady Anoop. SNOOZE. I love Anoop, I love his voice, I think he sounds great on this song, but the song blows. I still hope he's safe.

Scott was born in 1985, and half the time looks like he's just stepped OUT of 1985. Heyo! He's singing "The Search is Over", with an electric guitar and it's...not good. Seriously people, stop voting for Scott. You aren't doing him any favors by keeping him in the competition. He's gotta be out next week, right?

Please tell me that you all noticed the CRAPLOAD of lipstick on Paula's teeth during her close up on her critique. Please? That can't have been just Adam and me that saw it. Good God, Abdul, check yourself before you wreck yourself.

My girl Allison is up next and she was born in 1992. When I was 12. Blech. She's doing "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt, which, YES. Perfect song for her. I love this girl so bad. My one complaint with her is that sometimes, her enunciation is weird on some words. But MAN. She is freaking awesome.

Also, I know we were pissed last week when the judges spent 100000 years talking about her outfit, but: leather jacket, chains, flamenco skirt. That's all I'm saying. Simon basically tells her she needs to grow a personality and but fast. I have a feeling if she were up for elimination, she would get THE SAVE.

Matt's up next, which means Lambert has the pimp spot, which must mean he's got some kind of insane, guylinered rabbit to pull out of his hat if they're putting him last.

OK, Matt Giraud. Born in 1985. Currently the ONLY one about who the spoiler list was correct--Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover." Brenna and I groaned when we read this because: KEVIN COVAIS, people! If you aren't nuts like us and don't remember that atrocity, allow me to refresh your memory.

Dammit, Matt! Grrr...ooh wait, this might be okay. And he covered up his mole with a fedora! Nice work, dude. Okay, I actually really really love this. I feel like Randy right now--"dude, it was really good! You can really sing!" This is tight. Nice work, Giraud! Someone in the audience is rocking a "Giraud Squad" shirt, which rules.

It's now 9:02 and we're just getting to Adam. Seriously, Idol, how hard is it to finish the damn show on time?? Funny interview with his parents, in which we're pretty sure we find out that his dad hates him for not being into sports. Awesome.

He's going to be doing "Mad World", originally sung by Tears for Fears, but the version he's doing is the Gary Jules version (thank you Brenna!) It's awesome. Adam is awesome. I feel bad that they have no time to give him a critique, but Simon gives him a standing ovation, which speaks for itself.

For me, best of the night goes to Adam, Matt and Allison, as per usual. Anoop, Gokey and Kris were in the middle, with the bottom two being Scott and Lil. America is so jacked up with voting this year that who knows if either of them will even be in the bottom three tomorrow, let alone eliminated. Tune in for some Flo Rida and THE PICK (?!?) performing tomorrow, and the results! Hasta luego! Let's go Pens!!!

Let's just call it the Lady Gaga Variety Hour, shall we?

I'm seriously on overload on Wednesday nights now. This whole American Idol vs. Lost business has got to stop, because when my mind has just been blown by Lost, I don't give a shit who gets voted off. But I'm here for you, our faithful readers, so here we go!

Exactly why is Castro hanging out with Alexis? Are they getting high together?

Blah, blah, blah, judges banter. Scariest FORD! commercial ever where the contestants bodies and faces are all mixed together and Kris attempts to rap and Matt continues his goal of morphing into Justin Timberlake 2.0. Oh Jesus, the top 9 is singing Don't Stop Believin'. God I wish Allison was singing this by herself. She would so rock it. Why do they bother with these group sings anymore? It's American Idol, not American Show Choir.

We get a video about how busy the Idols are, including Kris giving us his "sexy face" (it's a little Blue Steel) and Matt doing an impression of Danny, which leads to Gokey doing Matt, Anoop doing Kris, and Allison doing Gokey. Then after we see how awesomely they all get along, let's now tear them apart. It's results time. Megan, Matt & Kris are split into one group stage left. Of course, they're splitting them into three groups and then we have to guess which one is the bottom three, like they do for the top 9 every. single. year. Lil, Adam, & Allison are group #2. Scott, Danny, & Anoop are group #3.

But first, it's time for our reigning Idol, Mr. David Cook. OH NO DAVID, THE BANGS ARE COMING BACK. CUT THEM STAT. There is also a disturbing absence of guyliner, but it's probably because he couldn't wrestle it away from Adam in the dressing room. He's singing "Come Back To Me," not one of my favorites from the album but still a good one. Much like every week last year, he is saving this show from being a ridiculous mess, so thank you Cookster. We've missed ya. His mom is so cute.

Now we're back to the results, and they're actually not doing the "guess which group" deal. Kris, Megan, & Matt are up first. Kris is safe, of course. Seacrest tries to fake us all out but Matt ends up being safe. WOO. Megan is declared in the bottom three and proceeds to CAW her way to the stools. Next up is the Adam/Lil/Allison group. Lil is safe (I think it was the adorable kids that did it, because she sucked). Allison is in the bottom three. WTF, AMERICA?! Adam is safe. The last group starts with Danny, who is safe. So it's down to Anoop and Scott for the last spot in the bottom 3. Wouldn't be surprised with either one, to be honest. (btw, everytime they show Randy, I'm distracted by Jason Castro's hair.) Seacrest actually says he's going to "pull Scott over to the couches," leaving Anoop in the bottom three. (Also, can we PLEASE send Seacrest to a "how to interact with blind people" class?! PLEASE?)

Yessss, time for Lady Gaga and "Poker Face." Not to brag, but I swear I had this song on my iPod in October. Anyways, this girl is so batshit, I love her. She has a piano full of bubbles and is wearing some kind of metalic shawl, and is playing her bubble piano like a maniac. Did you guys know she's a classically trained musician? Wiki told me so. Damn, she's got dancers and fog machines and a zipper over her eye. I want to see her in concert so bad. She rules at life. All the Idols are like, shit.

So Allison is sent back to the couch, thank God. I will be so sad if Anoop goes home, but wouldn't be all that surpised. He is safe though, and HALLELUJAH, Megan is going home. Simon is awesome as hell and is basically like "we don't care if you go home, so we're not even going to consider it." And hell yes, I finally get one in the EW.com poll. Next week is songs from the year you were born week, which means Allison will make me feel ancient. See you then!