Oklahoma! Home of Carrie Underwood. This is the first time Idol is auditioning in the Sooner State, which is surprising. I feel like we always end up with a crop of Midwesterners in Hollywood week, but I guess they travel well.
Hey, some girl lost her cowboy hat! Hooray, the last round of auditions before Hollywood, aka, Brenna's and my favorite part. I kind of love this new (is it new?) thing where the judges come out and give a little pep talk to the waiting peeps.
Karl is up first and he looks like maybe he's related to Dale Earnhart Jr. Or something. He seems like he has some kind of social phobia. He sings "I Feel Good" and tries to dance like James Brown. He's right on the border of screaming and singing and I can't decide if this is a joke. He pretty much sucks so the judges try to convince him to go into hosting instead. Wait, what, he got a ticket?? That was weird.
Keith's hair is looking good in Oklahoma. So is Keith. Keith always looks good, who are we kidding. After the commercials, montage of crap people. LONG montage of crap people. Nate is up next, and he is an American Sign Language teacher. Both of his parents are deaf. I feel like I could make a joke here about how if he sucks, how would they know, but Nate is super adorable. I hope he doesn't suck. He sings "For Once In My Life" which I love, and he sounds pretty good, if a little sharpish on the higher notes. They all love him, he's through to Hollywood.
Okay, girl with a puppet = fucking weirdo. SERIOUSLY. Don't show up with a goddamned puppet. This isn't American Puppet Show. Her name is Haley, and I seriously just can't even with her and this freaking dog puppet. She sings some country song I've heard before and this puppet, who has a name that I won't even type, is dancing along. Keith seriously just looks like, what the actual fuck? Her voice is pretty good, but she's a weirdo.
After the break we have some crazy girl who on first watch I thought her name was Donut. Swear to god, that's what it sounded like she said. Oh okay, wait, it's ZOANETTE. That's so much better, right? She blares out a terrible rendition of the National Anthem and she forgets the words halfway through. This is a nightmare. Of course Nicki fucking loves her. Can we please move on, PLEASE? She is just rambling at the camera now like she has bipolar disorder. OH MY GOD THEY PUT HER THROUGH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
I can't even get over what just happened. My God. This show. Anyway, we're back after the break with a montage of criers. There's no crying in Idol! Get it together, people. You will die in Hollywood if you cry at your audition, everyone knows that.
We have a girl named Anastacia who can't walk in her goddamned shoes, like, wear flats, no one cares if you audition in stripper heels. She is singing "Unbreak My Heart" and it sucks real bad. Of course. They can tell she's one second away from losing it and Randy gently asks her if someone told her to audition and she says....she's pretty sure God told her to audition. This is just so awkward and she's clearly mentally unstable. Please get her out of here.
Up last we have the evening's sob story, in the form of adorable Kayden, a 16 year old boy with cystic fibrosis. He is seriously just the cutest damn thing and I almost cry when he talks about how his life expectancy is 35 years old. He's singing "I Wish" and he isn't great but he has that high boy band kind of voice that just needs some work. He probably won't make it through Hollywood, but of course the judges are going to give this kid a ticket.
Why the hell is Steven fucking Tyler here dressed up in drag pretending to audition? HE IS NOT ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE. MAKE IT STOP. This has officially been the weirdest, most screwed up episode of this show ever. Thank God it's Hollywood Week next week. I feel like these auditions went really fast which was a blessing. See you next week in LA!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I'm on a boat.
Wow, it's the last week of auditions! I feel like this used to take a million years in the past seasons. Or did it just feel that way? Anyway, that means next week is HOLLYWOOD WEEK, with the wonder that is GROUP NIGHT, so let's just get this week out of the way, k?
We are starting in San Antonio. Nicki hair status: blonde. Keith shirt status: not yet completely unbuttoned.
The first audition is Vincent, and he's in love with Mariah. Apparently he made it to the end of Hollywood Week last year, and then something about Randy taking a too long sip of his drink throwing him off his game. The judges all love him, and he's going back to Hollywood.
Derek and David are up next, and they are brothers. I predict that only one of them would get through. Oh wait, they're both terrible. The judges all agree. Mariah is awesome and tells them "there is a basic rule of harmonizing... which is stay on pitch so the other person can stay on pitch also." OK, that was fantastic. The brothers won't accept no. Dudes, it doesn't matter how much passion you have if you can't sing. Just give it up already, guys. Next!!!
Oh boy, this next girl. She is wearing a sequined bandeau top. And she has a belly button piercing. And she has a five-year-old daughter. Her name is Savannah, and she is singing At Last, which is at least top ten on the Songs Which Should Be Banned Forever From American Idol List. The judges all love her, but I wasn't really that overwhelmed. I'm probably just so jaded from 12 seasons of this show.
Cristabel is next. Her family is just too gorgeous and perfect. She sings some Alicia Keys, and she's lovely. Mariah loves it, as do the rest of the judges.
And here is Miss University of Arkansas. This girl is obnoxious. And yet also boring, somehow. She sings Faith Hill, the judges love her, she's going to Hollywood.
Victoria is next, and she is singing Fergie. I always like the strategy of singing a song by an artist who isn't all that good and sounding great, rather than singing something like Adele and paling in comparison. Oh, this girl is also the singer for a mariache band, and she sounds awesome singing that style! I like her, she's different.
Montage of awfulness, followed by Papa Peachez, who describes himself as "a big black woman trapped in a little white boy's body." Oh goody, he also dances. He sings an original song. It is, as to be expected, terrible. Yet Nicki inexplicably loves him. And no one outright hates him, even though Keith says no. Randi eventually changes his no to a yes, and he's going to Hollywood. JUDGES. WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??? That was TERRIBLE. I miss Simon so much right now, he would not have let that shit happen.
This 16-year-old guy coming up next looks promising. He sings and dances. Could we have ourselves a little mini Usher on our hands? Man I hope so, I need something good after the Papa Peachez fiasco. Anyway, his name is Sanni, and he kills it with some Michael Jackson. He sounds awesome, he has charisma, and he is adorable. This kid could actually be a pop star. NOT PAPA PEACHEZ.
The final audition of San Antonio is Adam Sanders, and I'm going to describe him as Adam Lambert 2.0, Flannel Shirt Edition. He is ridiculous, and I mean that in the absolute best way possible. He's insanely good. I like this kid. He's going to Hollywood!
Now we've moved to Long Beach, aboard the Queen Mary. Nicki has some kind of conflict, and Mariah is stuck in traffic, so it's just Keith and Randy to start off with, and you can tell they are thrilled to not have the girls' bickering to deal with. Shubha is up first. She's good, but is what Simon would describe as "cabaret." Doesn't matter though, because Simon isn't here, and the boys send her to Hollywood.
Mariah's cleavage has arrived, and so has Mariah, just in time for Brian, who is singing some Phil Collins. I'll use this terrible audition to let you know that I watched The Americans last night, and it was pretty good, and there was an amazing scene which used In The Air Tonight nearly perfectly. Brian sucked. He's done.
Matt is a totally attractive rocker type with an equally adorable daughter. I like him already. AND he's a veteran who was in an IED explosion. He was injured and was supposed to be sterile, but then he had this miracle daughter. Oh GAWD. You just know the producers squealed in delight when they read this guy's story, it's made for television perfection. AND he can sing. Just stop the competition already. Unless this guy screws up in Hollywood, this is your 2013 American Idol. No one else has a shot anymore.
The next audition is a girl who screams Adele. Literally screams. And now Nicki is back, just in time for the next girl, who is wearing a captain's hat. Because they're on a boat, remember? Captain Girl starts singing, and then some kind of alarm starts to go off, and everyone has to evacuate the ship. Creepy Uncle Nigel sighting!!! Anyway, we're back on the ship, and Captain Girl is singing again. She is going to Hollywood.
Bad auditions, blah blah. The next guy has a sob story about his tonsils or something. He sounds great anyway, singing some Zac Brown Band. Keith even starts harmonizing with him. The judges all love him, and of course he's going to Hollywood.
Ugh, there's still a half hour left. Rachel is next, she's southern and bubbly, she's fine, but I'm pretty bored by her. I'm mostly reading 30 Rock tributes instead.
It's now Briana's turn. Briana once sang on Maury Povich, which educates me to the fact that Maury Povich apparently covers topics that do not include paternity tests or "my mom dresses too sexy." Briana was bullied and had to change schools. And yet she wants to go on television again... Apparently potential of fame > potential to be bullied. Yep, that seems healthy. She's going to Hollywood.
Matteus is our last audition of the episode. He's short. I think this is the guy who was on The Glee Project, meaning he had his shot at this already. He is also the second person in this episode to sing A Change is Gonna Come. The judges are all raving, and Matteus is crying, and I apparently don't have a soul, because I am not moved at all. Matteus is going to Hollywood.
That's a wrap from San Antonio and Long Beach! Lindsay will recap tonight's trip to Carrie Underwood's home state of Oklahoma. It's a good thing, because if I was doing it, the recap would be written solely in lyrics from the musical Oklahoma. See you then!
We are starting in San Antonio. Nicki hair status: blonde. Keith shirt status: not yet completely unbuttoned.
The first audition is Vincent, and he's in love with Mariah. Apparently he made it to the end of Hollywood Week last year, and then something about Randy taking a too long sip of his drink throwing him off his game. The judges all love him, and he's going back to Hollywood.
Derek and David are up next, and they are brothers. I predict that only one of them would get through. Oh wait, they're both terrible. The judges all agree. Mariah is awesome and tells them "there is a basic rule of harmonizing... which is stay on pitch so the other person can stay on pitch also." OK, that was fantastic. The brothers won't accept no. Dudes, it doesn't matter how much passion you have if you can't sing. Just give it up already, guys. Next!!!
Oh boy, this next girl. She is wearing a sequined bandeau top. And she has a belly button piercing. And she has a five-year-old daughter. Her name is Savannah, and she is singing At Last, which is at least top ten on the Songs Which Should Be Banned Forever From American Idol List. The judges all love her, but I wasn't really that overwhelmed. I'm probably just so jaded from 12 seasons of this show.
Cristabel is next. Her family is just too gorgeous and perfect. She sings some Alicia Keys, and she's lovely. Mariah loves it, as do the rest of the judges.
And here is Miss University of Arkansas. This girl is obnoxious. And yet also boring, somehow. She sings Faith Hill, the judges love her, she's going to Hollywood.
Victoria is next, and she is singing Fergie. I always like the strategy of singing a song by an artist who isn't all that good and sounding great, rather than singing something like Adele and paling in comparison. Oh, this girl is also the singer for a mariache band, and she sounds awesome singing that style! I like her, she's different.
Montage of awfulness, followed by Papa Peachez, who describes himself as "a big black woman trapped in a little white boy's body." Oh goody, he also dances. He sings an original song. It is, as to be expected, terrible. Yet Nicki inexplicably loves him. And no one outright hates him, even though Keith says no. Randi eventually changes his no to a yes, and he's going to Hollywood. JUDGES. WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??? That was TERRIBLE. I miss Simon so much right now, he would not have let that shit happen.
This 16-year-old guy coming up next looks promising. He sings and dances. Could we have ourselves a little mini Usher on our hands? Man I hope so, I need something good after the Papa Peachez fiasco. Anyway, his name is Sanni, and he kills it with some Michael Jackson. He sounds awesome, he has charisma, and he is adorable. This kid could actually be a pop star. NOT PAPA PEACHEZ.
The final audition of San Antonio is Adam Sanders, and I'm going to describe him as Adam Lambert 2.0, Flannel Shirt Edition. He is ridiculous, and I mean that in the absolute best way possible. He's insanely good. I like this kid. He's going to Hollywood!
Now we've moved to Long Beach, aboard the Queen Mary. Nicki has some kind of conflict, and Mariah is stuck in traffic, so it's just Keith and Randy to start off with, and you can tell they are thrilled to not have the girls' bickering to deal with. Shubha is up first. She's good, but is what Simon would describe as "cabaret." Doesn't matter though, because Simon isn't here, and the boys send her to Hollywood.
Mariah's cleavage has arrived, and so has Mariah, just in time for Brian, who is singing some Phil Collins. I'll use this terrible audition to let you know that I watched The Americans last night, and it was pretty good, and there was an amazing scene which used In The Air Tonight nearly perfectly. Brian sucked. He's done.
Matt is a totally attractive rocker type with an equally adorable daughter. I like him already. AND he's a veteran who was in an IED explosion. He was injured and was supposed to be sterile, but then he had this miracle daughter. Oh GAWD. You just know the producers squealed in delight when they read this guy's story, it's made for television perfection. AND he can sing. Just stop the competition already. Unless this guy screws up in Hollywood, this is your 2013 American Idol. No one else has a shot anymore.
The next audition is a girl who screams Adele. Literally screams. And now Nicki is back, just in time for the next girl, who is wearing a captain's hat. Because they're on a boat, remember? Captain Girl starts singing, and then some kind of alarm starts to go off, and everyone has to evacuate the ship. Creepy Uncle Nigel sighting!!! Anyway, we're back on the ship, and Captain Girl is singing again. She is going to Hollywood.
Bad auditions, blah blah. The next guy has a sob story about his tonsils or something. He sounds great anyway, singing some Zac Brown Band. Keith even starts harmonizing with him. The judges all love him, and of course he's going to Hollywood.
Ugh, there's still a half hour left. Rachel is next, she's southern and bubbly, she's fine, but I'm pretty bored by her. I'm mostly reading 30 Rock tributes instead.
It's now Briana's turn. Briana once sang on Maury Povich, which educates me to the fact that Maury Povich apparently covers topics that do not include paternity tests or "my mom dresses too sexy." Briana was bullied and had to change schools. And yet she wants to go on television again... Apparently potential of fame > potential to be bullied. Yep, that seems healthy. She's going to Hollywood.
Matteus is our last audition of the episode. He's short. I think this is the guy who was on The Glee Project, meaning he had his shot at this already. He is also the second person in this episode to sing A Change is Gonna Come. The judges are all raving, and Matteus is crying, and I apparently don't have a soul, because I am not moved at all. Matteus is going to Hollywood.
That's a wrap from San Antonio and Long Beach! Lindsay will recap tonight's trip to Carrie Underwood's home state of Oklahoma. It's a good thing, because if I was doing it, the recap would be written solely in lyrics from the musical Oklahoma. See you then!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Down on the Bayou.
Hi, y'all! We're in Baton Rouge tonight - the land of swamp people and alligators and crawfish bakes. So you know there's bound to be a lot of craziness.
Wow, the producers are pulling out ALL the stops for the first audition - Megan is an actual pageant queen with a sob story about getting into an accident and busting her knee and needing surgery right after the audition. Ok, this girl is kind of awesome. She has a really great voice and even uses a crutch as a microphone at one point.
Whoa, Keith's shirt is halfway unbuttoned. HELLO KEITH.
Oh my God, this next kid. His name is Charlie, he's from Little Rock (what up Bill Clinton!), and he's apparently very socially awkward. He seriously looks like he's 12 years old, but he's allegedly 17. If Simon was on the panel still, he'd totally call this kid "Broadway" or "cabaret." And then, ew, Nicki starts asking him about puberty. GROSS. STOP IT NICKI. Keith compares him to Bowie, which, wow. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but he's interesting for sure.
Next we have one of those surprise auditions. Maddie's grandmother nominated her, and Randy surprises her at a cafe in New Orleans, and then the next day she's at the auditions. And her grandmother is done up head to toe in Mardi Gras beads and other regalia. Maddie is pretty good, but like Christina Aguilera, she's never met a note she didn't want to riff. Keith says some things, but I'm distracted by his shirt continuing to be halfway unbuttoned and not entirely unbuttoned. It's four yeses, and she's going to Hollywood.
Yessssssss they are playing the True Blood theme song. Please let Eric Northman saunter in here and unleash an amazing singing voice we never knew he had. Nope, we get a montage of terrible singers instead. Blergh.
Paul Jolley is up next, and he feels like he has to give back to the world. He probably loves IGFB. Anyone know, are they gonna have it this year? I haven't missed watching that. Anyway, back to Paul. He sings some Rascal Flatts song, and he has a really strong voice.
I don't even know where to start with this next guy. He calls himself Mushroom, but his real name is Chris, and then he butchers my favorite Adam Lambert song. And then I really think I start tripping, because I have no idea how or why, but Nicki wants to rub his hair and claims to have magic powers when she's wearing her blanket. Seriously, this actually happens.
Whoa, the next guy has an actual job! He's a third year resident. I like him already, because usually the crazy people who audition are waitresses or nannies or "dancers." His name is Calvin, and he sings a Maxwell song, and he is goooooood. I'm excited to hear more from him. He's going to Hollywood!
I didn't catch the next girl's name, but she sings Tainted Love, which is amazing. And she sounded great. Montage of pretty ladies who sound great, followed by another montage of people who do not.
Up next is Dustin, who is a fireman from Baton Rouge. Man, Nicki is worse than Kara with some of these guys, she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she wants to jump his bones. Dustin sings some Garth Brooks, and he has a good voice in that country sort of way. There's just nothing exciting about him. Really, he's no different from #oldladyvote. Meh.
Finally, since we're in Louisiana, here is the requisite Katrina sob story. His name is Burnell. He sings a song I don't know, and I don't even know how to describe the facial expressions Keith is making, but let me just say he looooooves this guy. Mariah is crying. He gets a standing ovation. I thought it was good, but not really standing ovation worthy. Am I missing something? Anyway, he gets unanimous yeses, and he's going to Hollywood.
So that's Louisiana. Not nearly as crazy or even as interesting as I was hoping. Next week the auditions move to San Antonio and SoCal. We'll be there, documenting every minute!
Wow, the producers are pulling out ALL the stops for the first audition - Megan is an actual pageant queen with a sob story about getting into an accident and busting her knee and needing surgery right after the audition. Ok, this girl is kind of awesome. She has a really great voice and even uses a crutch as a microphone at one point.
Whoa, Keith's shirt is halfway unbuttoned. HELLO KEITH.
Oh my God, this next kid. His name is Charlie, he's from Little Rock (what up Bill Clinton!), and he's apparently very socially awkward. He seriously looks like he's 12 years old, but he's allegedly 17. If Simon was on the panel still, he'd totally call this kid "Broadway" or "cabaret." And then, ew, Nicki starts asking him about puberty. GROSS. STOP IT NICKI. Keith compares him to Bowie, which, wow. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but he's interesting for sure.
Next we have one of those surprise auditions. Maddie's grandmother nominated her, and Randy surprises her at a cafe in New Orleans, and then the next day she's at the auditions. And her grandmother is done up head to toe in Mardi Gras beads and other regalia. Maddie is pretty good, but like Christina Aguilera, she's never met a note she didn't want to riff. Keith says some things, but I'm distracted by his shirt continuing to be halfway unbuttoned and not entirely unbuttoned. It's four yeses, and she's going to Hollywood.
Yessssssss they are playing the True Blood theme song. Please let Eric Northman saunter in here and unleash an amazing singing voice we never knew he had. Nope, we get a montage of terrible singers instead. Blergh.
Paul Jolley is up next, and he feels like he has to give back to the world. He probably loves IGFB. Anyone know, are they gonna have it this year? I haven't missed watching that. Anyway, back to Paul. He sings some Rascal Flatts song, and he has a really strong voice.
I don't even know where to start with this next guy. He calls himself Mushroom, but his real name is Chris, and then he butchers my favorite Adam Lambert song. And then I really think I start tripping, because I have no idea how or why, but Nicki wants to rub his hair and claims to have magic powers when she's wearing her blanket. Seriously, this actually happens.
Whoa, the next guy has an actual job! He's a third year resident. I like him already, because usually the crazy people who audition are waitresses or nannies or "dancers." His name is Calvin, and he sings a Maxwell song, and he is goooooood. I'm excited to hear more from him. He's going to Hollywood!
I didn't catch the next girl's name, but she sings Tainted Love, which is amazing. And she sounded great. Montage of pretty ladies who sound great, followed by another montage of people who do not.
Up next is Dustin, who is a fireman from Baton Rouge. Man, Nicki is worse than Kara with some of these guys, she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she wants to jump his bones. Dustin sings some Garth Brooks, and he has a good voice in that country sort of way. There's just nothing exciting about him. Really, he's no different from #oldladyvote. Meh.
Finally, since we're in Louisiana, here is the requisite Katrina sob story. His name is Burnell. He sings a song I don't know, and I don't even know how to describe the facial expressions Keith is making, but let me just say he looooooves this guy. Mariah is crying. He gets a standing ovation. I thought it was good, but not really standing ovation worthy. Am I missing something? Anyway, he gets unanimous yeses, and he's going to Hollywood.
So that's Louisiana. Not nearly as crazy or even as interesting as I was hoping. Next week the auditions move to San Antonio and SoCal. We'll be there, documenting every minute!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Southern Hospitality
Full disclosure--I love Nicki Minaj's music. I have a bunch of her songs on my iPod to listen to when I exercise, and they're perfect. But I cannot stand to listen to her speak. Watching two 2-hour episodes of this show has already worn me out on her talking. So I say this now for the rest of the season: shut up, Nicki.
Anyway, so we're in Charlotte this week. Cheesy racing themed intro with Seacrest in a race car. Some good Idols have come out of North Carolina, according to Randy. He's lumping Scotty in there, though, so... But also Clay came from NC! Original #oldladyvote. I understand why people love Scotty but he is just not my thing.
This time, we get four minutes in before we have an audition/meet a contestant. So, getting better here, show. This is Naomi, and she's extremely confident and dressed like a stripper portraying a "business lady". This should be good. Also: pink eye makeup. Guess what? She sucks! Imagine that. She first butchers "Respect" and then "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and gets unanimous nos.
Extended preview for what looks like the big Mariah/Nicki feud we've all heard so much about. Mariah's hair looks very full and luxurious in Charlotte. Back from commercial. A weirdo named Joel is up next, I can't even deal with his nerves. He lies on the ground and sings? What the actual fuck? Apparently he remembers when Andrea Bocelli made Daughtry do this? I don't remember that. He gets down on the ground and does a totally weird, awful version of "Feelin' Good." GOODBYE JOEL.
First sob story of the evening: we meet Brian the bookkeeper from Georgia, who has a cute son and a wife who beat stage 4 cancer. They seem like a nice, normal down to earth family. I'm guessing based by his accent, we have a country audition. He blows it out of the water with "Let It Be"--what a nice, rich, quality voice. Go Brian. Four yeses, and he's through to Hollywood. I hope Group Day doesn't eat him alive.
Randy is wearing some sort of bedazzled, glittery necklace. Yikes. Up after the break is a guy named Jimmy Smith who says Keith is his inspiration. He has very curly hair and a thick Southern accent. He sings "Bless The Broken Road" fairly well, if not all that impressive. He's cute though, girls will probably like him. He's got a boy band look/sound. He's through, of course. So a half hour in, four auditions, two good ones.
Montage of good auditions, including a girl named Sarina, a generic country blonde named Haley and a girl named Na'Chelle who sounds like she's trying to do a Mariah falsetto, but she gets through. Weird bit where Mariah is singing to Keith as they take a break? Wasted footage. AND, another commercial. Gawd.
Back with Ryan driving the race car again. Scotty McCreery shows up at the auditions to fulfill his contractual obligation--I mean, mentor the contestants. We have crazy Matthew in a cowboy hat from South Carolina. He has Brooks Orpik crazy eyes and says he's been compared to Brad Paisley. I know this is not going to turn out well. And....he's not good. Sorry Matthew. He then does some sort of weird dance? Good lord, these people are all crazy.
Up next is a sweet looking girl with her whole family named Isabel, who is one of those nominated auditions like we saw in the premiere. Because that worked out so well. Randy shows up in front of like half her school or something to give her an audition ticket. She is 16, and sounds really awesome singing a Sam Cooke song. And she's cute as hell, too. The judges all love her, she's moving on.
After the break we have a girl named Taisha who is in an alternative rock band with a bunch of guys. They all came to her audition to support her, which is kind of nice. She is going to audition with "Folsom Prison Blues", which is weird. It's not a great audition. She kills it on "You Oughta Know", though. I like this girl. Nicki and Keith say yes, Mariah and Randy say no, and Keith pulls the "we're in North Carolina, so I'm the decider" card and she gets through.
Montage of split decisions and everyone getting frustrated when people don't agree with them, so we are probably leading up to the BIG FEUD, right? Summer does a pretty boring country-fied rendition of "Lean On Me." She's pretty, her voice is good, but she's just nothing all that special. They all get into a big discussion with her about country music and is she really a country artist, blah blah BLAH BLAH. Nicki makes some dig at Mariah and Randy that I honestly don't even get. They all start bickering and bitching right in front of this poor girl. OH MY GOD SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Nicki walks off and they're all making fun of her, hahaha.
We come back from commercial with all the media clips of everyone talking about THE FEUD which honestly? Was stupid. I mean, they're all back the next day, whatever. So dumb. I feel bad for poor Brandy who is the first one to audition the day after all this crap. She is a Navy reservist who used to get in trouble for singing while on duty--that's pretty funny. Her voice is okay, but I don't know if she's good enough for this show. Wow, they all liked her though, she's going through.
ANOTHER commercial?? Holy shit, there has been one after every person, I think. I love how "The Following" commercials are like, SET YOUR DVR NOW! No way, show, you look creepy.
We come back to some girl eating a sandwich and talking about how amazing it is--really. Her name is Ashley Smith and she's wearing a grandma blouse with pearls, hipster glasses and has a ring through her nose like a bull. She is also annoying as fuck. Oh my God, she's really good. REALLY good. What the ever loving hell? I totally judged a book by its cover, but her personality is annoying, so there. Holy shit, four yeses, she's going to Hollywood. Did not see this coming.
Montage of Nicki giving everyone nicknames. She tells some Clay Aiken looking guy that he should go by Stud. That rules. Janelle from Tennessee is next. She was a theme park singer at Dollywood which is AWESOME. She has a great, rich awesome country voice. I dig Janelle. Keith loves her. She's totally going through. Everyone adores her. Janelle is going to Hollywood.
After commercial, montage of crap people that we're rushing through because Keith has to leave. Keith! Don't go! After the montage is over, we have a really tall guy named Rodney who claims he's "the voice of Charlotte." Hmm. He sings on the street. He gives half of his money to help out homeless people, because he was homeless himself a few years ago. What a nice guy. I hope this is true. I'm so cynical about hoaxes now because of Manti freaking Te'o. He sings Edwin McCain and sounds very nice, big strong voice. I like Rodney. Unanimous yeses, and the voice of Charlotte is moving on to the next round.
Ryan chats with Candace, who got eliminated in Vegas last year. She has a really good attitude about it and seems really together this year. I don't remember her at all, but I didn't watch the audition rounds last year. Holy hell, she is good. Stunningly good. Randy gives her a standing O. This girl could win, seriously. All the judges fall all over her, deservedly so. So yeah, Candace is through.
After the break, Ryan poses for pictures with everyone. I would totally want a picture with Ryan if I were there. This is Ja'Bria who likes to hunt and fish. She has a huge discussion with the judges about "frog gigging", whatever the hell that is. This whole discussion about eating frog legs is kind of hilarious, but I want to gag. I really love her voice. The judges love her, and she's going to Hollywood.
Creepy music tells us that this next guy is probably a weirdo. His name is Brad and oh my god, what the hell is he talking about? I can't even include all the shit he's saying here because this recap would be three times as long. Summary: he is indeed, a weirdo. He sings "A Whole New World" (seriously) and I can't stop laughing. Bye, Brad.
We take our 9,000th commercial break of the show. Only ten minutes left so we've only got one more. Not a bad episode, despite how it started out. Montage of people getting tickets, but of course we don't get to hear any of them sing because we had to hear Brad sing Aladdin.
Last up is Theresa who does hair and is a mom. Sob story alert: her boyfriend was in an accident and has had a million surgeries. He doesn't know she's auditioning. She takes her adorable daughter, London, into the audition. She is auditioning with "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and it is freaking awesome. Theresa is kind of the shit, guys. They ask her to sing something else and she does "How Do I Live"--it's great too. She is going to Hollywood.
So that's it for Charlotte! 37 people made it through. Tomorrow Brenna will take you guys through the auditions in Baton Rouge, and this should be good. Swamp People and all that. Voodoo. Sweet.
Anyway, so we're in Charlotte this week. Cheesy racing themed intro with Seacrest in a race car. Some good Idols have come out of North Carolina, according to Randy. He's lumping Scotty in there, though, so... But also Clay came from NC! Original #oldladyvote. I understand why people love Scotty but he is just not my thing.
This time, we get four minutes in before we have an audition/meet a contestant. So, getting better here, show. This is Naomi, and she's extremely confident and dressed like a stripper portraying a "business lady". This should be good. Also: pink eye makeup. Guess what? She sucks! Imagine that. She first butchers "Respect" and then "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and gets unanimous nos.
Extended preview for what looks like the big Mariah/Nicki feud we've all heard so much about. Mariah's hair looks very full and luxurious in Charlotte. Back from commercial. A weirdo named Joel is up next, I can't even deal with his nerves. He lies on the ground and sings? What the actual fuck? Apparently he remembers when Andrea Bocelli made Daughtry do this? I don't remember that. He gets down on the ground and does a totally weird, awful version of "Feelin' Good." GOODBYE JOEL.
First sob story of the evening: we meet Brian the bookkeeper from Georgia, who has a cute son and a wife who beat stage 4 cancer. They seem like a nice, normal down to earth family. I'm guessing based by his accent, we have a country audition. He blows it out of the water with "Let It Be"--what a nice, rich, quality voice. Go Brian. Four yeses, and he's through to Hollywood. I hope Group Day doesn't eat him alive.
Randy is wearing some sort of bedazzled, glittery necklace. Yikes. Up after the break is a guy named Jimmy Smith who says Keith is his inspiration. He has very curly hair and a thick Southern accent. He sings "Bless The Broken Road" fairly well, if not all that impressive. He's cute though, girls will probably like him. He's got a boy band look/sound. He's through, of course. So a half hour in, four auditions, two good ones.
Montage of good auditions, including a girl named Sarina, a generic country blonde named Haley and a girl named Na'Chelle who sounds like she's trying to do a Mariah falsetto, but she gets through. Weird bit where Mariah is singing to Keith as they take a break? Wasted footage. AND, another commercial. Gawd.
Back with Ryan driving the race car again. Scotty McCreery shows up at the auditions to fulfill his contractual obligation--I mean, mentor the contestants. We have crazy Matthew in a cowboy hat from South Carolina. He has Brooks Orpik crazy eyes and says he's been compared to Brad Paisley. I know this is not going to turn out well. And....he's not good. Sorry Matthew. He then does some sort of weird dance? Good lord, these people are all crazy.
Up next is a sweet looking girl with her whole family named Isabel, who is one of those nominated auditions like we saw in the premiere. Because that worked out so well. Randy shows up in front of like half her school or something to give her an audition ticket. She is 16, and sounds really awesome singing a Sam Cooke song. And she's cute as hell, too. The judges all love her, she's moving on.
After the break we have a girl named Taisha who is in an alternative rock band with a bunch of guys. They all came to her audition to support her, which is kind of nice. She is going to audition with "Folsom Prison Blues", which is weird. It's not a great audition. She kills it on "You Oughta Know", though. I like this girl. Nicki and Keith say yes, Mariah and Randy say no, and Keith pulls the "we're in North Carolina, so I'm the decider" card and she gets through.
Montage of split decisions and everyone getting frustrated when people don't agree with them, so we are probably leading up to the BIG FEUD, right? Summer does a pretty boring country-fied rendition of "Lean On Me." She's pretty, her voice is good, but she's just nothing all that special. They all get into a big discussion with her about country music and is she really a country artist, blah blah BLAH BLAH. Nicki makes some dig at Mariah and Randy that I honestly don't even get. They all start bickering and bitching right in front of this poor girl. OH MY GOD SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Nicki walks off and they're all making fun of her, hahaha.
We come back from commercial with all the media clips of everyone talking about THE FEUD which honestly? Was stupid. I mean, they're all back the next day, whatever. So dumb. I feel bad for poor Brandy who is the first one to audition the day after all this crap. She is a Navy reservist who used to get in trouble for singing while on duty--that's pretty funny. Her voice is okay, but I don't know if she's good enough for this show. Wow, they all liked her though, she's going through.
ANOTHER commercial?? Holy shit, there has been one after every person, I think. I love how "The Following" commercials are like, SET YOUR DVR NOW! No way, show, you look creepy.
We come back to some girl eating a sandwich and talking about how amazing it is--really. Her name is Ashley Smith and she's wearing a grandma blouse with pearls, hipster glasses and has a ring through her nose like a bull. She is also annoying as fuck. Oh my God, she's really good. REALLY good. What the ever loving hell? I totally judged a book by its cover, but her personality is annoying, so there. Holy shit, four yeses, she's going to Hollywood. Did not see this coming.
Montage of Nicki giving everyone nicknames. She tells some Clay Aiken looking guy that he should go by Stud. That rules. Janelle from Tennessee is next. She was a theme park singer at Dollywood which is AWESOME. She has a great, rich awesome country voice. I dig Janelle. Keith loves her. She's totally going through. Everyone adores her. Janelle is going to Hollywood.
After commercial, montage of crap people that we're rushing through because Keith has to leave. Keith! Don't go! After the montage is over, we have a really tall guy named Rodney who claims he's "the voice of Charlotte." Hmm. He sings on the street. He gives half of his money to help out homeless people, because he was homeless himself a few years ago. What a nice guy. I hope this is true. I'm so cynical about hoaxes now because of Manti freaking Te'o. He sings Edwin McCain and sounds very nice, big strong voice. I like Rodney. Unanimous yeses, and the voice of Charlotte is moving on to the next round.
Ryan chats with Candace, who got eliminated in Vegas last year. She has a really good attitude about it and seems really together this year. I don't remember her at all, but I didn't watch the audition rounds last year. Holy hell, she is good. Stunningly good. Randy gives her a standing O. This girl could win, seriously. All the judges fall all over her, deservedly so. So yeah, Candace is through.
After the break, Ryan poses for pictures with everyone. I would totally want a picture with Ryan if I were there. This is Ja'Bria who likes to hunt and fish. She has a huge discussion with the judges about "frog gigging", whatever the hell that is. This whole discussion about eating frog legs is kind of hilarious, but I want to gag. I really love her voice. The judges love her, and she's going to Hollywood.
Creepy music tells us that this next guy is probably a weirdo. His name is Brad and oh my god, what the hell is he talking about? I can't even include all the shit he's saying here because this recap would be three times as long. Summary: he is indeed, a weirdo. He sings "A Whole New World" (seriously) and I can't stop laughing. Bye, Brad.
We take our 9,000th commercial break of the show. Only ten minutes left so we've only got one more. Not a bad episode, despite how it started out. Montage of people getting tickets, but of course we don't get to hear any of them sing because we had to hear Brad sing Aladdin.
Last up is Theresa who does hair and is a mom. Sob story alert: her boyfriend was in an accident and has had a million surgeries. He doesn't know she's auditioning. She takes her adorable daughter, London, into the audition. She is auditioning with "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and it is freaking awesome. Theresa is kind of the shit, guys. They ask her to sing something else and she does "How Do I Live"--it's great too. She is going to Hollywood.
So that's it for Charlotte! 37 people made it through. Tomorrow Brenna will take you guys through the auditions in Baton Rouge, and this should be good. Swamp People and all that. Voodoo. Sweet.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Don't call it a comeback.
Oh boy, here we go again. I can't believe I'm doing this, because I really thought I had sworn off Idol for good, but I think a combination of nostalgia, boredom, and morbid curiosity has lured me back. THIS... is My Spirit Has Been Broken, 2.0.
What's up, Chicago! One of my favorite cities and the setting (post-apocalyptically) of the book I'm currently reading. Nicki is wearing a leopard print military sort of hat. For real. I have to pause my TV to show it to you:
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Our first contestant is Mackenzie, and she gets the whole back story treatment, so we know she's going to be good. She's got that blond Carrie Underwood girl next door country thing going on, and the judges all love her. She's fine, I guess, but I'm not nearly as impressed as they are.
Side note: I'm always so thrown off by Keith Urban's accent.
Montage of terrible people, then Kiara, who sang for President Obama once. She sounds fantastic, and she's beautiful, but her pants look like carpeting. Queue up the Idol stylists. She is obviously going to Hollywood.
Next up is Stephanie, who is a lingerie store employee and has that old timey Norah Jones kind of voice. Keith calls her a Carrie Underwood/Gwen Stefani blend, which is totally accurate, and I love her, even if Nicki wasn't wowed. Stephanie seems totally normal and down to earth, and she doesn't mind that Nicki is being batshit crazy. Keith actually tells her to run before it gets too crazy in there. I think I love Keith after 15 minutes.
The next audition is wearing a sparkly space suit, not dissimilar to the costumes they had to play with at the green screen exhibit in the sci-fi hall at the Experience Music Project in Seattle. Her name is Melissa Bush, and she's the whitest white girl ever, and then Nicki asks her if she's related to Reggie Bush. She sings Downtown, and it's predictably terrible, and the judges look visibly uncomfortable telling her she's terrible. I miss Simon.
Oh hey, it's Haley Reinhart! She was kind of awesome. Back to auditions, and apparently there is an Idol bus tour now. Is that new this year? The Idol bus brings us Gabe, who brings cookies to bribe the judges. And then Gabe whips out some Gimmee Shelter, and in between the screaming he actually hits some serious notes, though poor Keith looks like he's being blown out of his chair and Mariah looks terrified. She asks him to sing something softer, which is... not softer. But he gets four yeses, and he's through!
Um, so now we have Kevin, and Kevin loves the Ninja Turtles. And dancing. And butchering the lyrics to One Week.
Another side note: Keith has a real accent. Nicki, why do you keep trying to have one?
Next up is Isabelle. Her family is kind of awesome, and her parents talk about how camera guys get dates. It's hilarious. Isabelle is only 15, and she's singing Baby It's Cold Outside and gets Keith to sing the male part, which is awesome. Isabelle is adorable and funny, and she sounds pretty good. Randy votes no, but she's going to Hollywood.
Then Keith has to leave to go to a concert (sad), leaving Randy to try to control Nicki's insanity. Griffin is up next, and let me say, helloooooo Griffin. He is hawt. And 22, of course, just my type. WHO SAID THAT. Anyway, I think Griffin can sing, or he might just be hawt. Randy says no, but the ladies put him through. Yay! We will call him Tim Urban 2.0. Take off your shirt in Hollywood!
Next we have Curtis, who is a tutor in real life and seems totally normal, unlike half the weirdos this show attracts. He has a silky smooth voice, and the judges adore him. Then he brings a friend back who wants to meet Mariah. The funniest thing about all of this is that so many people come in telling Mariah what big fans they are, and Nicki is getting so pissed, which is probably going to make her act even crazier.
Another girl named Mariah is next, and she is a recovering anorexic. Which is silly, because she's beautiful. Music saved her, of course, this being American Idol. She sings Let It Be (of course she does), and it's fine and all, but this being the show that loves sob stories, she's going to Hollywood.
Side note #3: Nicki doesn't blink. She has Brooks Orpik eyes.
Brandy is our next audition, and she has some kind of sob story that I don't really listen to. (Update: Keith has a leather jacket on now. Rawr.) Brandy sounds fantastic, and the judges love her. These judges seem to be in agreement a lot. I miss Simon and Paula bickering.
Josh Holiday (is that a baseball player? or did I make that up?) is a "vocal coach/caregiver" and he sings Back At One. Great song choice. Lindsay describes him as Roger in Rent, which is totally accurate.
Montage of good people, then Clifton, whose parents have never heard him sing. This should be good. Oh wait, it is. I wasn't expecting that. How have his parents never heard him? My parents have to put up with me singing in the car everyday. OMG, Keith is crying. I'm dying. Clifton is going to Hollywood.
Side note #4: tell me, who exactly is still watching Glee these days?
Montage: everyone loves Mariah. Iesha is a "professional dancer." Translation: probably a stripper. She is a terrible singer. Mariah tells her, and I quote, "I want to delicately suggest that you maybe stay with the dancing thing." Then she tells her yes, because she was distracted, and then takes it back. HA! Iesha is sad.
Johnny is next, and he was apparently on season 11. Nicki also thinks he's hot. He's no Griffin, that's for sure. This is the best way I can describe him, with our gut reactions:
Oh goody, we have a weirdo named something I don't know how to spell, who is a fire performer. And she makes balloon animals. And she politely asks whether her Idol appearance will embarrass her family, and she will leave if so. And then she asks to sing an original song. I expect it to be terrible. But... the thing is... she doesn't suck. She has a really interesting voice, depsite all the distractions of her general weirdness. Her voice actually keeps getting better. Holy crap, I like her. This should totally be an audition on The Voice instead, Adam and CeeLo would've pushed their buttons within 10 seconds. She's going to Hollywood, and she's kind of awesome, and I really, really hope she does well. This is someone I want to watch. I just wish I could remember her weird name.
Side note #5: Has Seacrest been working out? That polo is very snug.
Oh goody, it's a montage of people singing terribly followed by another montage of people giving the cameras the finger. Not like we haven't seen this every audition episode for the past 12 seasons.
Now we have Ashley, who is studying musical theater. How do I describe this... Do you remember the episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie took all the caffeine pills and Zack came to get her and she started manically singing I'm So Excited? You know, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!" Yeah, that's exactly what's going on here. Except there's no Zack Morris to stop her. And it goes on foreverrrrrrr.
Our last audition of the night is Lazaro, and he stutters. This poor guy, I can't even imagine, but I also talk too much and don't know when to shut up, so maybe I should stutter every now and then. His stutter is really, really bad though, until he starts singing. He sings Bridge Over Troubled Water, and I can already see the duet with Clay Aiken in the finale. Trust me, it's happening. Lazaro is really, really good, and his stutter just disappears when he sings. Damn. Lazaro is going to Hollywood! Yay!
So that's it for Chicago! Well done, Windy City. We're going to Charlotte next week, which means we should get some great Southerners. It's good to be back, readers!
What's up, Chicago! One of my favorite cities and the setting (post-apocalyptically) of the book I'm currently reading. Nicki is wearing a leopard print military sort of hat. For real. I have to pause my TV to show it to you:
Our first contestant is Mackenzie, and she gets the whole back story treatment, so we know she's going to be good. She's got that blond Carrie Underwood girl next door country thing going on, and the judges all love her. She's fine, I guess, but I'm not nearly as impressed as they are.
Side note: I'm always so thrown off by Keith Urban's accent.
Montage of terrible people, then Kiara, who sang for President Obama once. She sounds fantastic, and she's beautiful, but her pants look like carpeting. Queue up the Idol stylists. She is obviously going to Hollywood.
Next up is Stephanie, who is a lingerie store employee and has that old timey Norah Jones kind of voice. Keith calls her a Carrie Underwood/Gwen Stefani blend, which is totally accurate, and I love her, even if Nicki wasn't wowed. Stephanie seems totally normal and down to earth, and she doesn't mind that Nicki is being batshit crazy. Keith actually tells her to run before it gets too crazy in there. I think I love Keith after 15 minutes.
The next audition is wearing a sparkly space suit, not dissimilar to the costumes they had to play with at the green screen exhibit in the sci-fi hall at the Experience Music Project in Seattle. Her name is Melissa Bush, and she's the whitest white girl ever, and then Nicki asks her if she's related to Reggie Bush. She sings Downtown, and it's predictably terrible, and the judges look visibly uncomfortable telling her she's terrible. I miss Simon.
Oh hey, it's Haley Reinhart! She was kind of awesome. Back to auditions, and apparently there is an Idol bus tour now. Is that new this year? The Idol bus brings us Gabe, who brings cookies to bribe the judges. And then Gabe whips out some Gimmee Shelter, and in between the screaming he actually hits some serious notes, though poor Keith looks like he's being blown out of his chair and Mariah looks terrified. She asks him to sing something softer, which is... not softer. But he gets four yeses, and he's through!
Um, so now we have Kevin, and Kevin loves the Ninja Turtles. And dancing. And butchering the lyrics to One Week.
Another side note: Keith has a real accent. Nicki, why do you keep trying to have one?
Next up is Isabelle. Her family is kind of awesome, and her parents talk about how camera guys get dates. It's hilarious. Isabelle is only 15, and she's singing Baby It's Cold Outside and gets Keith to sing the male part, which is awesome. Isabelle is adorable and funny, and she sounds pretty good. Randy votes no, but she's going to Hollywood.
Then Keith has to leave to go to a concert (sad), leaving Randy to try to control Nicki's insanity. Griffin is up next, and let me say, helloooooo Griffin. He is hawt. And 22, of course, just my type. WHO SAID THAT. Anyway, I think Griffin can sing, or he might just be hawt. Randy says no, but the ladies put him through. Yay! We will call him Tim Urban 2.0. Take off your shirt in Hollywood!
Next we have Curtis, who is a tutor in real life and seems totally normal, unlike half the weirdos this show attracts. He has a silky smooth voice, and the judges adore him. Then he brings a friend back who wants to meet Mariah. The funniest thing about all of this is that so many people come in telling Mariah what big fans they are, and Nicki is getting so pissed, which is probably going to make her act even crazier.
Another girl named Mariah is next, and she is a recovering anorexic. Which is silly, because she's beautiful. Music saved her, of course, this being American Idol. She sings Let It Be (of course she does), and it's fine and all, but this being the show that loves sob stories, she's going to Hollywood.
Side note #3: Nicki doesn't blink. She has Brooks Orpik eyes.
Brandy is our next audition, and she has some kind of sob story that I don't really listen to. (Update: Keith has a leather jacket on now. Rawr.) Brandy sounds fantastic, and the judges love her. These judges seem to be in agreement a lot. I miss Simon and Paula bickering.
Josh Holiday (is that a baseball player? or did I make that up?) is a "vocal coach/caregiver" and he sings Back At One. Great song choice. Lindsay describes him as Roger in Rent, which is totally accurate.
Montage of good people, then Clifton, whose parents have never heard him sing. This should be good. Oh wait, it is. I wasn't expecting that. How have his parents never heard him? My parents have to put up with me singing in the car everyday. OMG, Keith is crying. I'm dying. Clifton is going to Hollywood.
Side note #4: tell me, who exactly is still watching Glee these days?
Montage: everyone loves Mariah. Iesha is a "professional dancer." Translation: probably a stripper. She is a terrible singer. Mariah tells her, and I quote, "I want to delicately suggest that you maybe stay with the dancing thing." Then she tells her yes, because she was distracted, and then takes it back. HA! Iesha is sad.
Johnny is next, and he was apparently on season 11. Nicki also thinks he's hot. He's no Griffin, that's for sure. This is the best way I can describe him, with our gut reactions:
Lindsay: what....is this
he looks highme: lolLindsay: and like he's unwashedme: is he wearing eye shadow?Lindsay: i can't even tell, i think maybe?what the actual fuck
Nonetheless, the judges love him. He's going to Hollywood.
Side note #5: Has Seacrest been working out? That polo is very snug.
Oh goody, it's a montage of people singing terribly followed by another montage of people giving the cameras the finger. Not like we haven't seen this every audition episode for the past 12 seasons.
Now we have Ashley, who is studying musical theater. How do I describe this... Do you remember the episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie took all the caffeine pills and Zack came to get her and she started manically singing I'm So Excited? You know, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!" Yeah, that's exactly what's going on here. Except there's no Zack Morris to stop her. And it goes on foreverrrrrrr.
Our last audition of the night is Lazaro, and he stutters. This poor guy, I can't even imagine, but I also talk too much and don't know when to shut up, so maybe I should stutter every now and then. His stutter is really, really bad though, until he starts singing. He sings Bridge Over Troubled Water, and I can already see the duet with Clay Aiken in the finale. Trust me, it's happening. Lazaro is really, really good, and his stutter just disappears when he sings. Damn. Lazaro is going to Hollywood! Yay!
So that's it for Chicago! Well done, Windy City. We're going to Charlotte next week, which means we should get some great Southerners. It's good to be back, readers!
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Just when we thought we were out...
I would just like to say, on this triumphant return to Idol blogging, it took Brenna and I exactly three minutes to decide to do this again approximately three days ago. THIS...is MSHBB.
So we're back! After the extended break we took during the Scotty McCreery debacle of season 10. We open the premiere with the show's latest cash cow, good ole Phillip Phillips, singing his song that was EVERY freaking WHERE these past six months. I did love hearing it at the Olympics though.
Seven minute montage introducing the judges. Why does Randy get an intro? He was born here, he's gonna die here. Welcome to Keith, Mariah and Nicki! Let the feuding begin! Oh wow, Nicki and Mariah legit hate each other. Like for real. All that stuff in the media wasn't just to get you to watch. There is some kind of ridiculous bitchfest over Nicki's hat??? I love this show!
In the middle of this, poor Michael so and so just like, wanders in, and starts auditioning with "We Will Rock You"--the hell? And somehow he has pit stains while wearing a BLACK polo shirt. That is talent, my friend, forget the singing. He's a tool and he sucks, so we're moving on.
We're back from commercial, and Nicki and Mariah? Still being bitchy. And Mariah is speaking in a fake British accent? What the hell is going on? Anyway, next is a girl named Tina who is obsessed with Mariah and actually went to Camp Mariah, which was apparently a thing? And she sang for her there, and brought pictures. Hoo boy. Can you smell the desperation over there? She's actually pretty good, but I'll be surprised if she makes it beyond Hollywood.
Montage of good people, which of course, we get like ten seconds of these people and fifteen minutes on some loser later on, I'm sure. Oh and here he is--James is 15 and wants to be the next Justin Bieber. He's more William Hung, though, and Mariah gently tries to turn him on to DJing instead of singing. Wah waaaaah.
Up next is Christina, who talks about losing 50 pounds because she wanted to be a singer. That's sad. She's gorgeous. Her voice is super lovely, and totally effortless. I love Christina. And she reacts exactly how I would if I would ever audition for this show--"I can't believe I just did that!" LOL oh girl. She gets four sure yeses. Yay!
Okay, and we have our first sob story of the evening. Kevin is 21 years old, a cancer survivor and he's rocking OOOOONE LEEEEEEEEG. He is a tap dancer who was trying to make it to Broadway when he was diagnosed. He lost his leg in the process. He's a good looking guy and he underwhelms a little on a Jason Mraz song, but seems to find more confidence with Bon Jovi. Shockingly, he gets FOUR nos. I really didn't see that coming, honestly. They have let people worse than him through in the past. Yikes, way harsh, Tai.
Commercials are over and Ryan's talking about some kind of online nomination process for auditions? So a judge goes to this person's house and listens? Or what. This is Jessica from Staten Island. Randy shows up to give her an audition ticket and she freaks the eff out. She has a very chill, cool personality at the audition. Randy asked her for an original song, which is rare and usually the kiss of death. She's...not that great. Sorry, Jessica. So strike one for this nomination thing.
Back after the commercial, we get a montage of foreign peeps who are auditioning, including Shira from Israel. Who already had a single on the radio in Israel when she was 17, so if this were up to me, bye Shira. Nicki is way too excited about her, if you ask me. She gets unanimous yeses, so more of Shira to come. And Keith dumps COKE! all over Nicki’s shit, so there’s that.
The last contestant of this evening is Frankie from Brooklyn. He talks about being tough while wearing an argyle sweater. Scary! He sings on the subway to make extra money. He auditions with “Sweet Dreams” and completely biffs it at first and then seems like he’s not going to get it together. Which is fine, I wasn’t all that attached anyway. He figures it out and sounds fine. The judges put him through, so we'll see Frankie go to Hollywood. And of course, they play "Relax" over his success clips.
Day one is over, and after the commercials, we've got day two in NYC. Nicki has on her best cotton candy wig and she and Mariah still hate each other. 21 year old Benjamin is the first one on day two, and he looks like something real bad. Like if Cee Lo and something bad had a baby. His wig, oh my God. His rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" is about as bad as any I've ever heard. NEXT.
Eight thousand commercial breaks in this ep. Man. Okay, now we have some girl who makes her parents listen to her practice. That is just sad. Her name is Rosanna and her mom claims she gets chills when she listens to her sing. Predictably, she sucks. I don't even know what song this is. Everyone is just staring at her. Moving on.
Montage of crap people. I wish we could just do one 30 second crap montage per ep but that is really wishful thinking. I love when the overly invested parents make bitchy comments about how the judges blew it and they missed their chance.
Next up we have Jersey girl Sarah who is 17. She works on a blueberry farm and she's kind of a redneck! She does archery! She rides quads! I kind of love her a little bit, guys. She's good, not great. It's weird hearing a countryish voice coming out of this girl with this Jersey speaking voice, but she's cute as hell. OMG and she's rapping! I love this girl! She gets through, and I'm kinda pumped.
After the 85th commercial break, we're back with Mariah giving some sort of inspirational speech. Up next is a kid named Albert who has no idea who the judges are. I like him already. I already saw him in a preview and I know he sucks, so time to check Twitter. I can't even tell what song this is, it's so bad. Sorry Albert.
Montage of people who made it, I think. WAIT, why didn't we see more of the girl in the crazy red tophat that sang Grenade??? COME ON, SHOW! She looked awesome! Now it's 18 year old Angela who is partially deaf. She's gorgeous and is singing a Jessie J song. I don't know this song but she sounds pretty good. She's through to Hollywood.
Next we have Brent, who is an American Idol superfan. Maybe if he doesn't make it we could get him to guest blog on here. Oh lord, he's auditioned 7 times. And is terrible. Poor guy. Man, we are seeing so much crap tonight. Keith is so polite.
Up next we have a guy who has a discussion with Nicki about how he changes his turban to match his outfits and how people call him "The Turbanator"--seriously?? That just happened. He has a nice voice but not a powerhouse voice that you typically find on this show. He makes it through, but I don't know if he'll survive Hollywood Week.
Finally, only 7 minutes left in this premiere episode. We have 20 year old Ashley wrapping up the show. She has her entire family with her. Her mom fosters kids and they've adopted four of them. Ashley seems like a super sweet girl even though her speaking voice is kind of annoying. She's singing "Put Your Records On" and is great. Go Ashley. I love her singing voice. They drag her whole family in to tell them that she's made it to Hollywood, as per usual.
So that's it! Night one in the books. It feels kinda fun to be back, I'm not gonna lie. Brenna will hit you guys up for night two of auditions tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to be over here feeling sorry for Keith Urban.
So we're back! After the extended break we took during the Scotty McCreery debacle of season 10. We open the premiere with the show's latest cash cow, good ole Phillip Phillips, singing his song that was EVERY freaking WHERE these past six months. I did love hearing it at the Olympics though.
Seven minute montage introducing the judges. Why does Randy get an intro? He was born here, he's gonna die here. Welcome to Keith, Mariah and Nicki! Let the feuding begin! Oh wow, Nicki and Mariah legit hate each other. Like for real. All that stuff in the media wasn't just to get you to watch. There is some kind of ridiculous bitchfest over Nicki's hat??? I love this show!
In the middle of this, poor Michael so and so just like, wanders in, and starts auditioning with "We Will Rock You"--the hell? And somehow he has pit stains while wearing a BLACK polo shirt. That is talent, my friend, forget the singing. He's a tool and he sucks, so we're moving on.
We're back from commercial, and Nicki and Mariah? Still being bitchy. And Mariah is speaking in a fake British accent? What the hell is going on? Anyway, next is a girl named Tina who is obsessed with Mariah and actually went to Camp Mariah, which was apparently a thing? And she sang for her there, and brought pictures. Hoo boy. Can you smell the desperation over there? She's actually pretty good, but I'll be surprised if she makes it beyond Hollywood.
Montage of good people, which of course, we get like ten seconds of these people and fifteen minutes on some loser later on, I'm sure. Oh and here he is--James is 15 and wants to be the next Justin Bieber. He's more William Hung, though, and Mariah gently tries to turn him on to DJing instead of singing. Wah waaaaah.
Up next is Christina, who talks about losing 50 pounds because she wanted to be a singer. That's sad. She's gorgeous. Her voice is super lovely, and totally effortless. I love Christina. And she reacts exactly how I would if I would ever audition for this show--"I can't believe I just did that!" LOL oh girl. She gets four sure yeses. Yay!
Okay, and we have our first sob story of the evening. Kevin is 21 years old, a cancer survivor and he's rocking OOOOONE LEEEEEEEEG. He is a tap dancer who was trying to make it to Broadway when he was diagnosed. He lost his leg in the process. He's a good looking guy and he underwhelms a little on a Jason Mraz song, but seems to find more confidence with Bon Jovi. Shockingly, he gets FOUR nos. I really didn't see that coming, honestly. They have let people worse than him through in the past. Yikes, way harsh, Tai.
Commercials are over and Ryan's talking about some kind of online nomination process for auditions? So a judge goes to this person's house and listens? Or what. This is Jessica from Staten Island. Randy shows up to give her an audition ticket and she freaks the eff out. She has a very chill, cool personality at the audition. Randy asked her for an original song, which is rare and usually the kiss of death. She's...not that great. Sorry, Jessica. So strike one for this nomination thing.
Back after the commercial, we get a montage of foreign peeps who are auditioning, including Shira from Israel. Who already had a single on the radio in Israel when she was 17, so if this were up to me, bye Shira. Nicki is way too excited about her, if you ask me. She gets unanimous yeses, so more of Shira to come. And Keith dumps COKE! all over Nicki’s shit, so there’s that.
The last contestant of this evening is Frankie from Brooklyn. He talks about being tough while wearing an argyle sweater. Scary! He sings on the subway to make extra money. He auditions with “Sweet Dreams” and completely biffs it at first and then seems like he’s not going to get it together. Which is fine, I wasn’t all that attached anyway. He figures it out and sounds fine. The judges put him through, so we'll see Frankie go to Hollywood. And of course, they play "Relax" over his success clips.
Day one is over, and after the commercials, we've got day two in NYC. Nicki has on her best cotton candy wig and she and Mariah still hate each other. 21 year old Benjamin is the first one on day two, and he looks like something real bad. Like if Cee Lo and something bad had a baby. His wig, oh my God. His rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" is about as bad as any I've ever heard. NEXT.
Eight thousand commercial breaks in this ep. Man. Okay, now we have some girl who makes her parents listen to her practice. That is just sad. Her name is Rosanna and her mom claims she gets chills when she listens to her sing. Predictably, she sucks. I don't even know what song this is. Everyone is just staring at her. Moving on.
Montage of crap people. I wish we could just do one 30 second crap montage per ep but that is really wishful thinking. I love when the overly invested parents make bitchy comments about how the judges blew it and they missed their chance.
Next up we have Jersey girl Sarah who is 17. She works on a blueberry farm and she's kind of a redneck! She does archery! She rides quads! I kind of love her a little bit, guys. She's good, not great. It's weird hearing a countryish voice coming out of this girl with this Jersey speaking voice, but she's cute as hell. OMG and she's rapping! I love this girl! She gets through, and I'm kinda pumped.
After the 85th commercial break, we're back with Mariah giving some sort of inspirational speech. Up next is a kid named Albert who has no idea who the judges are. I like him already. I already saw him in a preview and I know he sucks, so time to check Twitter. I can't even tell what song this is, it's so bad. Sorry Albert.
Montage of people who made it, I think. WAIT, why didn't we see more of the girl in the crazy red tophat that sang Grenade??? COME ON, SHOW! She looked awesome! Now it's 18 year old Angela who is partially deaf. She's gorgeous and is singing a Jessie J song. I don't know this song but she sounds pretty good. She's through to Hollywood.
Next we have Brent, who is an American Idol superfan. Maybe if he doesn't make it we could get him to guest blog on here. Oh lord, he's auditioned 7 times. And is terrible. Poor guy. Man, we are seeing so much crap tonight. Keith is so polite.
Up next we have a guy who has a discussion with Nicki about how he changes his turban to match his outfits and how people call him "The Turbanator"--seriously?? That just happened. He has a nice voice but not a powerhouse voice that you typically find on this show. He makes it through, but I don't know if he'll survive Hollywood Week.
Finally, only 7 minutes left in this premiere episode. We have 20 year old Ashley wrapping up the show. She has her entire family with her. Her mom fosters kids and they've adopted four of them. Ashley seems like a super sweet girl even though her speaking voice is kind of annoying. She's singing "Put Your Records On" and is great. Go Ashley. I love her singing voice. They drag her whole family in to tell them that she's made it to Hollywood, as per usual.
So that's it! Night one in the books. It feels kinda fun to be back, I'm not gonna lie. Brenna will hit you guys up for night two of auditions tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to be over here feeling sorry for Keith Urban.
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