Don't call it a comeback.

Oh boy, here we go again. I can't believe I'm doing this, because I really thought I had sworn off Idol for good, but I think a combination of nostalgia, boredom, and morbid curiosity has lured me back. THIS... is My Spirit Has Been Broken, 2.0.

What's up, Chicago! One of my favorite cities and the setting (post-apocalyptically) of the book I'm currently reading. Nicki is wearing a leopard print military sort of hat. For real. I have to pause my TV to show it to you:

Our first contestant is Mackenzie, and she gets the whole back story treatment, so we know she's going to be good. She's got that blond Carrie Underwood girl next door country thing going on, and the judges all love her. She's fine, I guess, but I'm not nearly as impressed as they are.

Side note: I'm always so thrown off by Keith Urban's accent.

Montage of terrible people, then Kiara, who sang for President Obama once. She sounds fantastic, and she's beautiful, but her pants look like carpeting. Queue up the Idol stylists. She is obviously going to Hollywood.

Next up is Stephanie, who is a lingerie store employee and has that old timey Norah Jones kind of voice. Keith calls her a Carrie Underwood/Gwen Stefani blend, which is totally accurate, and I love her, even if Nicki wasn't wowed. Stephanie seems totally normal and down to earth, and she doesn't mind that Nicki is being batshit crazy. Keith actually tells her to run before it gets too crazy in there. I think I love Keith after 15 minutes.

The next audition is wearing a sparkly space suit, not dissimilar to the costumes they had to play with at the green screen exhibit in the sci-fi hall at the Experience Music Project in Seattle. Her name is Melissa Bush, and she's the whitest white girl ever, and then Nicki asks her if she's related to Reggie Bush. She sings Downtown, and it's predictably terrible, and the judges look visibly uncomfortable telling her she's terrible. I miss Simon.

Oh hey, it's Haley Reinhart! She was kind of awesome. Back to auditions, and apparently there is an Idol bus tour now. Is that new this year? The Idol bus brings us Gabe, who brings cookies to bribe the judges. And then Gabe whips out some Gimmee Shelter, and in between the screaming he actually hits some serious notes, though poor Keith looks like he's being blown out of his chair and Mariah looks terrified. She asks him to sing something softer, which is... not softer. But he gets four yeses, and he's through!

Um, so now we have Kevin, and Kevin loves the Ninja Turtles. And dancing. And butchering the lyrics to One Week.

Another side note: Keith has a real accent. Nicki, why do you keep trying to have one?

Next up is Isabelle. Her family is kind of awesome, and her parents talk about how camera guys get dates. It's hilarious. Isabelle is only 15, and she's singing Baby It's Cold Outside and gets Keith to sing the male part, which is awesome. Isabelle is adorable and funny, and she sounds pretty good. Randy votes no, but she's going to Hollywood.

Then Keith has to leave to go to a concert (sad), leaving Randy to try to control Nicki's insanity. Griffin is up next, and let me say, helloooooo Griffin. He is hawt. And 22, of course, just my type. WHO SAID THAT. Anyway, I think Griffin can sing, or he might just be hawt. Randy says no, but the ladies put him through. Yay! We will call him Tim Urban 2.0. Take off your shirt in Hollywood!

Next we have Curtis, who is a tutor in real life and seems totally normal, unlike half the weirdos this show attracts. He has a silky smooth voice, and the judges adore him. Then he brings a friend back who wants to meet Mariah. The funniest thing about all of this is that so many people come in telling Mariah what big fans they are, and Nicki is getting so pissed, which is probably going to make her act even crazier.

Another girl named Mariah is next, and she is a recovering anorexic. Which is silly, because she's beautiful. Music saved her, of course, this being American Idol. She sings Let It Be (of course she does), and it's fine and all, but this being the show that loves sob stories, she's going to Hollywood.

Side note #3: Nicki doesn't blink. She has Brooks Orpik eyes.

Brandy is our next audition, and she has some kind of sob story that I don't really listen to. (Update: Keith has a leather jacket on now. Rawr.) Brandy sounds fantastic, and the judges love her. These judges seem to be in agreement a lot. I miss Simon and Paula bickering.

Josh Holiday (is that a baseball player? or did I make that up?) is a "vocal coach/caregiver" and he sings Back At One. Great song choice. Lindsay describes him as Roger in Rent, which is totally accurate.

Montage of good people, then Clifton, whose parents have never heard him sing. This should be good. Oh wait, it is. I wasn't expecting that. How have his parents never heard him? My parents have to put up with me singing in the car everyday. OMG, Keith is crying. I'm dying. Clifton is going to Hollywood.

Side note #4: tell me, who exactly is still watching Glee these days?

Montage: everyone loves Mariah. Iesha is a "professional dancer." Translation: probably a stripper. She is a terrible singer. Mariah tells her, and I quote, "I want to delicately suggest that you maybe stay with the dancing thing." Then she tells her yes, because she was distracted, and then takes it back. HA! Iesha is sad.

Johnny is next, and he was apparently on season 11. Nicki also thinks he's hot. He's no Griffin, that's for sure. This is the best way I can describe him, with our gut reactions:

Lindsay:  what....is this

he looks high

me:  lol

Lindsay:  and like he's unwashed

me:  is he wearing eye shadow?

Lindsay:  i can't even tell, i think maybe?

what the actual fuck

 Nonetheless, the judges love him. He's going to Hollywood.

 

Oh goody, we have a weirdo named something I don't know how to spell, who is a fire performer. And she makes balloon animals. And she politely asks whether her Idol appearance will embarrass her family, and she will leave if so. And then she asks to sing an original song. I expect it to be terrible. But... the thing is... she doesn't suck. She has a really interesting voice, depsite all the distractions of her general weirdness. Her voice actually keeps getting better. Holy crap, I like her. This should totally be an audition on The Voice instead, Adam and CeeLo would've pushed their buttons within 10 seconds. She's going to Hollywood, and she's kind of awesome, and I really, really hope she does well. This is someone I want to watch. I just wish I could remember her weird name.

Side note #5: Has Seacrest been working out? That polo is very snug.

Oh goody, it's a montage of people singing terribly followed by another montage of people giving the cameras the finger. Not like we haven't seen this every audition episode for the past 12 seasons.

Now we have Ashley, who is studying musical theater. How do I describe this... Do you remember the episode of Saved by the Bell when Jessie took all the caffeine pills and Zack came to get her and she started manically singing I'm So Excited? You know, "I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... scared!" Yeah, that's exactly what's going on here. Except there's no Zack Morris to stop her. And it goes on foreverrrrrrr.

Our last audition of the night is Lazaro, and he stutters. This poor guy, I can't even imagine, but I also talk too much and don't know when to shut up, so maybe I should stutter every now and then. His stutter is really, really bad though, until he starts singing. He sings Bridge Over Troubled Water, and I can already see the duet with Clay Aiken in the finale. Trust me, it's happening. Lazaro is really, really good, and his stutter just disappears when he sings. Damn. Lazaro is going to Hollywood! Yay!

So that's it for Chicago! Well done, Windy City. We're going to Charlotte next week, which means we should get some great Southerners. It's good to be back, readers!