I would just like to say, on this triumphant return to Idol blogging, it took Brenna and I exactly three minutes to decide to do this again approximately three days ago. THIS...is MSHBB.
So we're back! After the extended break we took during the Scotty McCreery debacle of season 10. We open the premiere with the show's latest cash cow, good ole Phillip Phillips, singing his song that was EVERY freaking WHERE these past six months. I did love hearing it at the Olympics though.
Seven minute montage introducing the judges. Why does Randy get an intro? He was born here, he's gonna die here. Welcome to Keith, Mariah and Nicki! Let the feuding begin! Oh wow, Nicki and Mariah legit hate each other. Like for real. All that stuff in the media wasn't just to get you to watch. There is some kind of ridiculous bitchfest over Nicki's hat??? I love this show!
In the middle of this, poor Michael so and so just like, wanders in, and starts auditioning with "We Will Rock You"--the hell? And somehow he has pit stains while wearing a BLACK polo shirt. That is talent, my friend, forget the singing. He's a tool and he sucks, so we're moving on.
We're back from commercial, and Nicki and Mariah? Still being bitchy. And Mariah is speaking in a fake British accent? What the hell is going on? Anyway, next is a girl named Tina who is obsessed with Mariah and actually went to Camp Mariah, which was apparently a thing? And she sang for her there, and brought pictures. Hoo boy. Can you smell the desperation over there? She's actually pretty good, but I'll be surprised if she makes it beyond Hollywood.
Montage of good people, which of course, we get like ten seconds of these people and fifteen minutes on some loser later on, I'm sure. Oh and here he is--James is 15 and wants to be the next Justin Bieber. He's more William Hung, though, and Mariah gently tries to turn him on to DJing instead of singing. Wah waaaaah.
Up next is Christina, who talks about losing 50 pounds because she wanted to be a singer. That's sad. She's gorgeous. Her voice is super lovely, and totally effortless. I love Christina. And she reacts exactly how I would if I would ever audition for this show--"I can't believe I just did that!" LOL oh girl. She gets four sure yeses. Yay!
Okay, and we have our first sob story of the evening. Kevin is 21 years old, a cancer survivor and he's rocking OOOOONE LEEEEEEEEG. He is a tap dancer who was trying to make it to Broadway when he was diagnosed. He lost his leg in the process. He's a good looking guy and he underwhelms a little on a Jason Mraz song, but seems to find more confidence with Bon Jovi. Shockingly, he gets FOUR nos. I really didn't see that coming, honestly. They have let people worse than him through in the past. Yikes, way harsh, Tai.
Commercials are over and Ryan's talking about some kind of online nomination process for auditions? So a judge goes to this person's house and listens? Or what. This is Jessica from Staten Island. Randy shows up to give her an audition ticket and she freaks the eff out. She has a very chill, cool personality at the audition. Randy asked her for an original song, which is rare and usually the kiss of death. She's...not that great. Sorry, Jessica. So strike one for this nomination thing.
Back after the commercial, we get a montage of foreign peeps who are auditioning, including Shira from Israel. Who already had a single on the radio in Israel when she was 17, so if this were up to me, bye Shira. Nicki is way too excited about her, if you ask me. She gets unanimous yeses, so more of Shira to come. And Keith dumps COKE! all over Nicki’s shit, so there’s that.
The last contestant of this evening is Frankie from Brooklyn. He talks about being tough while wearing an argyle sweater. Scary! He sings on the subway to make extra money. He auditions with “Sweet Dreams” and completely biffs it at first and then seems like he’s not going to get it together. Which is fine, I wasn’t all that attached anyway. He figures it out and sounds fine. The judges put him through, so we'll see Frankie go to Hollywood. And of course, they play "Relax" over his success clips.
Day one is over, and after the commercials, we've got day two in NYC. Nicki has on her best cotton candy wig and she and Mariah still hate each other. 21 year old Benjamin is the first one on day two, and he looks like something real bad. Like if Cee Lo and something bad had a baby. His wig, oh my God. His rendition of "I'll Make Love To You" is about as bad as any I've ever heard. NEXT.
Eight thousand commercial breaks in this ep. Man. Okay, now we have some girl who makes her parents listen to her practice. That is just sad. Her name is Rosanna and her mom claims she gets chills when she listens to her sing. Predictably, she sucks. I don't even know what song this is. Everyone is just staring at her. Moving on.
Montage of crap people. I wish we could just do one 30 second crap montage per ep but that is really wishful thinking. I love when the overly invested parents make bitchy comments about how the judges blew it and they missed their chance.
Next up we have Jersey girl Sarah who is 17. She works on a blueberry farm and she's kind of a redneck! She does archery! She rides quads! I kind of love her a little bit, guys. She's good, not great. It's weird hearing a countryish voice coming out of this girl with this Jersey speaking voice, but she's cute as hell. OMG and she's rapping! I love this girl! She gets through, and I'm kinda pumped.
After the 85th commercial break, we're back with Mariah giving some sort of inspirational speech. Up next is a kid named Albert who has no idea who the judges are. I like him already. I already saw him in a preview and I know he sucks, so time to check Twitter. I can't even tell what song this is, it's so bad. Sorry Albert.
Montage of people who made it, I think. WAIT, why didn't we see more of the girl in the crazy red tophat that sang Grenade??? COME ON, SHOW! She looked awesome! Now it's 18 year old Angela who is partially deaf. She's gorgeous and is singing a Jessie J song. I don't know this song but she sounds pretty good. She's through to Hollywood.
Next we have Brent, who is an American Idol superfan. Maybe if he doesn't make it we could get him to guest blog on here. Oh lord, he's auditioned 7 times. And is terrible. Poor guy. Man, we are seeing so much crap tonight. Keith is so polite.
Up next we have a guy who has a discussion with Nicki about how he changes his turban to match his outfits and how people call him "The Turbanator"--seriously?? That just happened. He has a nice voice but not a powerhouse voice that you typically find on this show. He makes it through, but I don't know if he'll survive Hollywood Week.
Finally, only 7 minutes left in this premiere episode. We have 20 year old Ashley wrapping up the show. She has her entire family with her. Her mom fosters kids and they've adopted four of them. Ashley seems like a super sweet girl even though her speaking voice is kind of annoying. She's singing "Put Your Records On" and is great. Go Ashley. I love her singing voice. They drag her whole family in to tell them that she's made it to Hollywood, as per usual.
So that's it! Night one in the books. It feels kinda fun to be back, I'm not gonna lie. Brenna will hit you guys up for night two of auditions tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to be over here feeling sorry for Keith Urban.
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