My spirit really is broken.

Hi folks, Brenna here. Lindsay was traveling, so she’s taking results night off my hands, and I’m here to guide you through Neil Diamond night.

First, let me go on a tirade about the themes this year. Why have they been so limiting? In the past, we've had a celebrity mentor and a broad theme (a la country, or love songs, or movie soundtracks) or at least have had a more versatile artist catalogues to work from (a la Bon Jovi, which gave us 5 out of 6 stellar performances, or Elton John from season 3, which gave us a homerun from J-Hud). And why have the contestants been given exactly one week (Mariah week) to sing anything written later than 1989? I'm not knocking Mr. Neil Diamond at all. He is a very talented musician and songwriter. I’m just saying that at this point in time, when you have the top five contestants on what we’ve been repeatedly told is the best, most talented season of Idol ever, you expect them to have some good source material to work with. Oh well. On to the show.

Jason forgets his lyrics in front of the man who wrote them. Geez, is this guy trying to piss off every mentor this year?! He then sings “Forever in Blue Jeans,” which I think suits him rather well. I’m not blown away, but it’s ok. I’m bored in general by him lately. Apparently there’s no judging for this round of songs, and they’ll be singing again. This whole hour is really chaotic. I’m stressed.

OMG Bret Michaels and his bandana will be on “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” this week!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS.

The Cookster sings a song called “I’m Alive.” I’ve never heard it before. It was ok. This week is going to suck, I can feel it.

Also, dear Cookster: please shave. You had like two weeks where you looked good and you're drifting back into Amber Alert territory. We really, really like you now. “Always Be My Baby” has been in constant rotation on my iPod. We don’t want you to be skeevy. That’s a road best left to this guy.

Anyways. Brooke, dear Brooke, who I feel is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, is singing “I’m a Believer.” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was a Neil Diamond song? Oh nooooo, this is cheesy. Is she wearing shiny bell bottoms? It was really, really bad. Someone needs to tell her that up-tempo songs just don’t suit her. I’m sure Simon will later.

I miss Michael Johns.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever are now presented by David Archuleta. He’s singing “Sweet Caroline” first, and he sounds… I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t take this seriously. It’s SWEET M-F’ING CAROLINE. This song belongs either in a bar or at a sporting event. Preferably alcohol are involved in both. I can’t handle this tonight.

Syesha sings “Hello Again.” I don’t know any of these songs. The mosh pit needs to stop waving their hands. She’s good, I suppose. I think she oversang it a bit.

At this point we have a weird, impromptu speed judging sequence in which Randy is forced to actually be concise, Paula is clearly off her meds and thinks Jason sang twice, leading to the most awkward moment in Idol history when she tries to cover it, and Simon basically tells them they all sucked. Thank God for Simon. He’s not taking any crap tonight. And oh, goody, we get to do this all over again.

Jason sings “September Morn” and it sounds exactly like every other song he’s ever done on this show. His vocals are a little shaky throughout and he gives some BS excuse for it. DUDE. At this stage of the game, there are no excuses. You either nail it or go home (or, in some cases, nail it and still go home). This show is on my last nerve tonight.

I miss Carly.

The Cookster sings “All I Really Need is You,” and I actually like it. It’s still not the greatest performance I’ve ever seen, not anywhere close, but at this point the Cookster is so far above any of the other contestants that I’ve pretty much stopped caring about grading him against his own personal curve and am just happy he's not sucking as bad as everyone else tonight.

Brooke sings “I Am I Said.” Halfway through, I go, “ohhhh, this song!” Neil had suggested she change New York to Arizona to make it more her own. I say that’s stupid. A) Changing it to Arizona makes the song make no sense, since Arizona is not on a different coast than California, it’s not on any coast at all, and half the lyrics sound stupid now. B) Duh, obviously these kids aren’t singing songs true to themselves. You really think Kevin Covais was your part-time lover? Or that Jordin knew half the crap she sang about, since she’s only a teenager and has no life experience?! Come on. The performance itself is actually quite nice. It’s the best (and most put together) we’ve seen Brooke in weeks. I have a bad feeling it’s too little, too late, but stranger things have happened on this stupid show.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever presented by David Archuleta continues with “America.” It is Cheese with a capital C. More bland ass freedom, flag-waving Cheese. At least he’ll get the KLC vote. I think he flubs a lyric again, and his voice totally cracks, and the judges say nothing about it. Of course not. We’re getting a David/David finale whether we like it or not.

INDIANA JONES COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was easily the highlight of this hour.

Syesha closes the show with “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime.” Eh. I think she should have switched the order of her songs, the first one was better. I do like her singing sassy, up-tempo songs though, and being told she is good at Broadway stuff is not an insult.

I’m not even going to bother figuring out a bottom three. I’m pretty much over tonight. I’m over this whole season. Let’s not even declare a winner, just fast-forward to November when the Cookster’s CD comes out, and we can forget this whole debacle of a season ever happened. Kind of like we forget about Taylor Hicks.

Review coming later today...

... I was too busy watching Saving Silverman.

I call shenanigans.

You guys, this ep was off the HEEZY fa SHEEZY. So many times in my notes, I just wrote WTF? because it was all I could muster up at the time. In the first ninety seconds of the show, we see Ryan practically get molested by some woman in the audience, Price is Right style, we see Paula's boobs again shoved up to her chin, and we see Ryan deliver a forehead kiss to Simon that I don't even wanna discuss any more. Keep it at home, gentlemen!

So 38 million gazillion google squillion people voted last night, but before we get to the results, the kids get to jack up one more of poor ALW's songs. The man himself is at the piano to accompany the group on "All I Ask of You", and he could not look more over it. The three guys actually sound halfway decent together, but the girls sound all sorts of effed up. I mean, really, you have three totally different vocal tones trying to mesh here, and it's not good. Also, WHY the hayell are the people in the "mosh pit" raising their arms and swaying? It's BROADWAY, not Bon Jovi! Christ.

After the group number, Ryan announces that the Idol tour will kick off its 49-city jaunt in Glendale, Arizona on July 1. All I have to say is--Idols in DC on 8/14, what whaaaat? We jump into a recap of last night--Syesha was kind of fierce, Little David sounded like Michael Bolton, Jason was a totally stoned, utter mess, Brooke was maybe the biggest trainwreck this show has ever seen, Carly rocked the hell out of Jesus Christ Superstar and the Cookster (tm Brenna) saved this whole damn thing again and maybe made ALW feel like he didn't want to kill himself after all.

Ryan brings out ALW for a chat, which is kind of nice. Really, it's probably because none of the other mentors could string a cohesive sentence together. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Dolly and Mariah, but MENSA members they ain't. His eyebrows are a force to be reckoned with. Ryan brings up Brooke's disaster for the ninth time this ep, which clearly means she's safe, and ALW sticks up for her. Sorry, Brooke fans, but at this stage of the game--top SIX--it's not the time for shit like this. Anyway, bye ALW! Sorry your song book was clearly never meant to grace the Idol stage!

After commercials, we have the FORD! commercial of the night. I actually kind of enjoy this one to "Tainted Love"--the Cookster looks hot with those red streaks. OMG, you can get Idol winner stamps!! YESSSSS. Bren, even though we're about to live less than two miles from each other, I am totally sending you a letter with a RUUUUUUUUUUUUBEN stamp on it. I hope his pic is him with one of those GIANT 205 jerseys he used to wear.

Elimination time--Ryan brings out the Davids. After jibba jabbing at them for way too long, we find out that--clearly--both guys are safe. Foreshadowing of our final two, some may say. Oh Jesus, Neil Diamond is the mentor next week. If the Cookster doesn't sing "Sweet Caroline", I quit. Have you guys ever seen the SNL sketches where Will Ferrell does Neil Diamond. Love it.

And what's this? Instead of our weekly "viewer call in" segment, we get an Idol where are they now? video journey? OMG, Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken on Broadway. Holy shit guys, Randy was 'UUUUUUUUUUUGE (tm Donald Trump) in season two. Bren and I were JUST discussing Clay today and how we missed the transformation when he apparently became a woman.

Commercials, and tonight performing we have Leona Lewis, aka keep keep bleeding, aka Simon Cowell's protege. 10 bucks says Simon's banging her. I have to say--I am totally 100% sick of this song, but she really does have a beautiful voice. And her cheekbones are SICK. Whoa, big flames on the power notes. Nice touch there, Fox.

OK, Syesha and Brooke are up next. Brooke looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. I seriously think she cannot handle this show. They should just boot her for her mental health. All this buildup about how Syesha was soooo personable and Brooke effed up sooooo bad is clearly a ploy so we're SHOCKED and clutching our pearls when Ryan announces Brooke is safe.....and there we go. I swear, if she effs up her lyrics when I'm paying to see her on the Idol tour, I will throw a can at her.

This leaves Carly and Jason the last two battling it out for a spot on the couch. Wow, it's 9:48--and NO VIEWER QUESTIONS! YAY! Maybe they are doing away with that. Ryan asks Carly if she had more than one song picked to sing and...didn't we already see the answer to that? On her video package last night? When ALW TOLD US he told Carly to change her song. Jeez, Seacrest. Jason is totally stoned again...and also safe. Oh man, I have a bad feeling about this. For realsies guys, Jason and Brooke were totally the worst last night.

OK, Carly's singing, fast forward fast forward, Syesha's singing--wtf, Carly and Ryan? They talked through her whole damn song. After 38 kachillion votes...it's Carly who's out. Man. I have to admit, once I knew the Cookster was safe, I said I didn't really care about the rest of the five but now that Carly's out, I'm bummed. She was awesome last night. She and Syesha hug for about five years and RUUUUUBEN's here to sing her out. Her video package is kind of depressing, yikes. Well, I think America got it wrong, but then, I didn't vote, so who am I to judge--LOL. Anyway, bye Carly! I hope you figure out how to dress yourself better once you leave. We'll be back next week--I'll be recapping Neil Diamond night, dear God, and Bren will hand you your results. Cheers!

Don't cry for me, America.

Guys, I’ve been looking forward to tonight since Seacrest first announced the mentors back in week 1. Andrew Lloyd Webber is amazing. His music is amazing. And that’s what had me so worried that tonight would be a train wreck. Was it? On to the recap.

Syesha leads off with “One Rock & Roll Too Many,” from Starlight Express. I’ve never seen this show, but have always wanted to. The actors are on roller skates!! How awesome is that. But anyways, back to Syezzzzzzzsha. Technically, it’s very good. She’s sassy, she sounds great, and I should be feeling it, but I’m just not. There’s no connection between her and the audience. It’s like her…… brick wall……. us.

Jason is next, singing “Memory,” from Cats. ALW says something great about a man with dreadlocks singing this song. Jason acts dumb and doesn’t realize it was sung by a cat. Dude, stop hitting the bong and do your homework. ALW is already regretting agreeing to this show. Anyways, the song isn’t terrible, but it’s nothing to write home about. He kind of speeds up in the bridge, and it never reaches the climax we’re all expecting it to, and his voice is breaking, and it’s kind of all over the place. Randy makes one of the dumbest Randy comments of all time, telling him there was too much melody. What?! In the audience, ALW looks for the exit.

Brooke sings “You Must Love Me,” written for the movie version of Evita. With all the great songs from this show, I’m a little disappointed she chose this one. ALW blatantly tells her she doesn’t know what she’s singing about and proceeds to fill her in that this isn’t a happy song, that a woman is singing on her deathbed, and, like, OMG, Brooke gets it. She then throws it away by stopping the band after just a few words and starting over again, and she never quite recovers. Ohhh, Brooke. What happened to you? At least she was quiet during the judges’ critiques, which is an improvement.

Seacrest is on the stools with Archuleta, who looks absolutely terrified, as per usual. He is then attacked by like seven girls who run up from the audience, and we cut to his session with ALW, who is again laughing that a guy will be singing a song he wrote for a woman, this time “Think of Me,” from Phantom of the Opera. Seriously, it perplexes me too. You have this massive catalog of music available to you, and you can't find a gender appropriate number? ALW wrote this song – and this role – specifically for his wife at the time, so I can imagine he’s a little annoyed that Archuleta sings a version sounding like the Backstreet Boys circa 1999. It’s good, I suppose, and the judges all love it, but I’m with ALW, looking pissed off that this little boy commandeered one of his signature songs and made it sound like it belongs on Light FM.


Carly, please save this show. She starts off with ALW singing “All I Ask of You” (also from Phantom) until ALW cuts her off and tells her to sing “Jesus Christ Superstar,” from the musical of the same name. It’s all good, I suppose, but again, I just can’t get excited by her. It’s one of her better performances in weeks though, and I’ll give her points for picking the most upbeat song of the evening. But all around, to me, she’s just eh.

And finally, thankfully, the Cookster is in the pimp spot. And he’s singing “Music of the Night”!!!!! And he’s not messing with it at all!!! He listened to me!!!! ALW talks about how sexy the song is, and tells David to think of him as a 17-year-old girl, which we all know would be a tad inappropriate. At this point, I really want to have a beer with ALW. He’s so cool. So the Cookster sings with the original arrangement, and doesn’t do any fancy stuff with it, and it’s awesome. See, this is something that’s been lost in all the discussion this season about David – the guy can sing. It’s kind of lost sometimes, because we’re talking more about how he arranged the song, but he very rarely sings an off note. And tonight, when he’s just singing, he’s singing very well. It sounds great, and it’s sensual, and it’s dark, and (coming from someone who has seen Phantom about five times) it’s exactly what this song should be. Bravo, David.

The split this week, to me, is simple. The first half of the performers (Syesha, Jason, & Brooke) will be the bottom three. Syesha was rather good, but forgettable in the lead spot. Jason just picked the wrong song, and Brooke was a wreck. My money is on Brooke to go home, which makes me sad, but someone has to go every week. At this point in time, though, I wouldn’t be surprised by anyone outside the Davids. This is when the competition gets good, people!

Come on along and listen to the lullaby of Broadway...

Hello, faithful readers! Ready for Broadway week? Man, I am. I was in Greece the last time the Idols attempted to sing songs from the Great White Way and am still disappointed I missed it. Unfortunately, this time around the Idols are limited to the music of Andrew Lloyd Weber. While he’s got one heck of a songbook, his songs are hard, and it concerns me a little bit… but hopefully these Idols will rise to the challenge! I’m here today to suggest what songs the Idols should sing, and in some cases guess what they will sing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an excellent night of performances!

Let’s start with the Cookster. (I’ve been waiting for KLC to get the boot so I can start calling David C. the Cookster. I think it suits him, and I’m sick of having two Davids around.) This is the primary case of me wanting a selection outside the ALW library, because David would absolutely kill “One Song Glory” from Rent. And I mean kill it, making Brenna a puddle on the ground because he would sing the crap out of an already amazing song. Unfortunately that won’t happen this time around, but let me offer the Cookster two suggestions: first, please don’t rearrange anything. Just sing it as it is. And second, give “Music of the Night” from Phantom a shot, and thank me later. He’s just sinister enough to pull it off.

This night is made for David #2. He’s got a quintessential musical theatre voice and will likely sound fantastic in whatever he chooses. I’m guessing it will be either “Close Every Door” or “Any Dream Will Do” from Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My money is on the latter, cuz we know David likes to sing about dreams and puppies and crap like that.

My money is on Syesha to pick “Memory” from Cats, one of ALW’s biggest and most well-known songs, but I’d prefer to give it to Carly. Carly needs to soften up a bit, show some vulnerability, and I think “Memory” might be the trick for her. I’d love to see Syesha do something more upbeat for once. How about “Buenos Aires” from Evita?

I’ve been having trouble with Brooke. Many musical theatre songs are written for BIG voices, which she just doesn’t have. If it wasn’t ALW specific, I’d have suggested a stripped down version of “On My Own” from Les Miserables, but instead I’m going to toss her “Another Suitcase in Another Hall,” also from Evita. I just don’t want her to smile through the whole song, a la “Jolene” a few weeks back. With the right approach, though, Brooke + a guitar + this song could be just what she needs to get back on top her A game.

And finally, Jason may have the toughest time with this genre. Big orchestral numbers typically don’t translate well to the coffee house, but how about “Unexpected Song” from Song & Dance? I could see this one with an acoustic vibe.

Well, we’ll see what happens tomorrow. This week could either be amazing or a trainwreck… either way, I’ll be here to tell you all about it!

Finally.

Well, folks, it’s a good night. The Pens swept their series (WOOOOOO!!!!!) and the outcome of the results show was finally satisfactory. But more on that later.

Ryan kicks off the show by reminding us, once again, that we suck for voting off Michael Johns. The top 7 then sing the most depressing group sing ever, the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men ballad “One Sweet Day.” Guys, I am not the biggest Mariah fan in the world, but I do give the girl some respect, because this song came out in 1995 and she’s still relevant today. 1995! And that was five years after her first album came out. That was released the same year Archuleta was born. Yikes. Speaking of Arculeta, I'm pretty sure he stole that jacket from Clay Aiken circa Bee Gees week in season two.

So after thoroughly depressing everyone in the audience, we get the recap from last night. Archuleta believed in something. Cook, David was awesome as per usual. Cook, Kristy Lee kind of blew. Syesha and Jason both kind of bored me. Carly looked angry like she does every week. Brooke was not as good as drunk Brenna thought she was last night.

Seacrest introduces the Idols standing backstage by the TV. What is up with that this year? Is Sony now a sponsor too? He brings out Jason and tells him to stand to his left, and then tells David Cook to stand to his right. Oh, good, it’s time for this. You all know what’s coming – the totally overplayed gimmick where Seacrest tries to go all “Rock of Love” on us and cause tension in the Idol dwelling. Carly then joins Jason’s group, and KLC joins David’s group.

We’re interrupted by the weirdest Ford music video yet, with the Idols acting like puppets in an office and singing “I Want to Break Free.” Only upon seeing a Ford drive by do they realize they actually can break free. I’m freaked out by the Davids’ combovers.

We’re back to the studio, and Elliott Yamin is there to perform!! Yessssss!!! You all know we’re Elliott’s biggest fans. He sounds brilliant no matter what he sings, and gets teary at the end, and opens his palm which reads “We miss you mom” and then I remember his mom passed away a few weeks ago and I almost lose it. Guys, his mom was so adorable, and Elliott was so cute with her, and I am trying so hard not to cry when Seacrest is talking to him. Damn, this is a rough week in the Idol studios.

Back to the results. Syesha joins the Jason group, and Brooke joins the David group, leaving Archuleta as the lone man out. Oooh, this is gonna be good.

But wait, first we have phone calls. Thing we learned tonight: David Cook is single. Simon and Paula still have awkward tension. And KLC can’t get her damn horse back.

Mariah sings, and to be honest, I fast forward.

And finally, we’re back to the train wreck that is David Archuleta being forced to think independently. He looks scared shitless. Daddy isn’t on stage telling him what to do! Oooh, they shake it up a bit by having David Cook and Syesha switch sides. Archuleta refuses to choose sides and sits down. I’m pretty sure Melinda beat you to that one last year. Seacrest makes it pretty obvious that the Carly/David C/Jason group is the safe one, as if we had any doubt. Archuleta still doesn’t know what to do though, since he lost the ability to infer when Daddy programmed him to sing. David C. adorably goes to sit down next to him though, and Archuleta is kind of like the little boy who wants to be as cool as his older brother someday.

So your bottom three this week is Kristy Lee, Brooke, and Syesha. Syesha is safe, and I’m about to pitch a fit, but after what seems like an eternity of bitching by the judges, we are assured that Brooke is safe, and Kristy Lee is FINALLY going home. We’re reminded – again – that she sold her horse, and then she starts her sing-out sitting next to Simon and thoroughly creeping him out.

I feel a bit like I did when Sanjaya was voted out last year – the real competition can now begin, and it’s really anybody’s game. And next week is Andrew Lloyd Weber week!!! You have no idea how excited that makes me. And I finally get to recap a performance show. :) Idol Madness returns this week!

I had a vision of love...

I don't care what anyone says, or what anyone thinks. I. Love. Mariah. This bitch is a force to be reckoned with in the music industry. She beat ELVIS, you guys. Most number one songs EVER. And she's not even 40 years old! Not to mention, she went bat-shit crazy that one time and showed up to TRL wearing nothing but a giant tee shirt. Word, MC. I totally downloaded "Touch My Body" from iTunes the second it hit the airwaves even though as Brenna says, it sounds exactly like all her other songs. So: to the races!

Seacrest voices over as the camera pans down the line of our Idols. My husband's first observation of the kids, having not watched this show in almost two years: they all look bland. That's about right, babe. The Archu-robot has a face that looks like he's been eating some of Jason's brownies. After Ryan's longest pause in the history of "THIS...is American Idol", it's showtime.

David A. is up first. I have to say, Bren and I had numerous discussions over the past two days about what the boys would sing on this diva-licious night. I do not know how it escaped us that Mariah sang a song called "When You Believe", because, of COURSE David would choose a song with "believe" in the title. OMG, he is wearing leather pants! HAAAAAAAAAAAA. I bet he borrowed those from Gramps. Aww, Gramps. I have to say, you guys, I think the strain of the competition is wearing on our lil David. Is it just me, or has he been looking more and more run down every week? I think he's doing a great job with the song in spite of that, actually. I thought his falsetto was really nice, and the judges all love it.

Here comes Carly, who finally is wearing a decent outfit. Thank you, jeebus. She's singing "Without You", which is kind of predictable, and MC loves her. I think it's miles better than last week, and she isn't exuding an air of desperation for once. She's better when she's belting the big notes...I think Randy tells her that every week. And, yep, there we go, he says it again and tells her she was slightly weaker in her lower range. I agree with that. This wasn't Carly's best, but it certainly wasn't her worst. Simon says he expected more from her and he doesn't think she pulled it off, but I think she did better than okay. Not great...I'll give it a pretty good.

Ugh, Syezzzzzzzzsha. Girl already took on Whitney, now she gets to do Mariah. She chooses "Vanishing", which I vaguely know. It's not one of my top Mariah songs. Wow, I love her dress. She looks dynamite tonight. Guys, there's really not much I can say about Syesha. She's technically the best vocalist on the show, by a mile, but she's so freaking dull. I wouldn't buy her album because she just doesn't have a sound that interests me. Randy tells her she did a good job, Paula jibba jabbas something and Simon tells her it was technically very very good, but he thinks she took a risk picking an unknown song. We'll see. I have a feeling she might be bottom three'ing it again.

Brooke is up next, telling us again how she missed her sister's wedding. Oh my God, she's doing "Hero"--BREN. I can't remember, did you call this one? I know I was saying Archu-bot would do it, and I thought you said one of the girls would and I can't remember if you said B-money. She's at the piano, good. I can hear the Brooke spin on this, and I wish it were better but it's not fabulous. She is visibly shaking throughout the whole thing, and the song feels completely rushed after the bridge. I'm sure that's the nerves. I'm a little nervous for Brooke. I would still totally buy her album, but I don't think that performance will win her any fans.

Seriously, Paula is on some good shit tonight. As all the judges are talking over each other about Brooke, she busts out with "the two of you look GREAT on stage together!" Brooke and Seacrest are all, WTF? and everyone looks at Paula like this is her descent into madness. Guys! SHE'S ALREADY THERE.

Kristy Lee, are you still here? Jesus. OMFG are you kidding me?? "Forever" is seriously my all-time favorite Mariah song, and she is going to country it all up and ruin it. RUIN IT. She is so asstastic and white trash. She's in some cheap gold lame dress and is twanging all over the song. This is terrible. Simon agrees with me, calling it whiny and telling her that Mariah night wasn't to her advantage. I really hope this is the end of her. Please. PLEASE. Haaaaaaaaaate.

David C. is going to attempt "Always Be My Baby." I have to admit, I did not see this one coming. I was completely stumped at what David would pick. He comes out and starts rocking out to the song and it is f'ing fantastic. 10 bucks some random band no one's ever heard of comes out tomorrow and is all, we totally covered that song FIRST. Bitches. Guys, I love this. David is not the most technically perfect vocalist ever, but he's the whole package. Randy gives him the first standing ovation of season seven, of course Paula digs it because she wants to do him, and Simon loves it, calling it a breath of fresh air. I think that is David's terminally ill brother in the audience, and he tears up on stage. I love this guy. Another one whose album I would buy.

Because the show is so jacked up and Paula never shuts up, I don't get to see the end of the show. I had two shows set to record at 9 and my tv like freaked out when the clock turned to 9:00, lol. I see the beginning of Jason with Mariah and hear that he's singing "I Don't Wanna Cry", and I see the beginning of it, which sounds awesome. Jason is so random and cool. I have to call my mom to find out what the judges thought of it. Apparently Simon loved it--he's been on a Jason kick the past two weeks.

To sum up: the guys totally win Mariah night. Which was to be expected, as they said in the beginning, it was going to be harder for the girls. Well done, gentlemen. Ideal bottom three would be Syesha, Carly and Kristy Lee, but as Gramps' shocking elimination last week showed us, anything can happen! Bren will give you the results tomorrow night. Cheers!

Dream until your dreams come true.

Well, Sunday night and I’ve finally caught up on my Idol viewing. Seacrest opens the results show by telling us $60 million has been raised so far. So there are good people in this country! The Idols kick off the show with a very un-PC group sing, “Shout to the Lord,” complete with massive gospel choir. We used to have this debate in high school choir, about singing religious songs in a secular setting, and it was always decided that it’s more about the art than the lyrics themselves. Some of the greatest musical compositions ever written are religious. But this is American Idol, not Christian Idol, and it’s still a little odd to watch on tv. But anyways. Enough seriousness. We have Zack and Cody (who are they?!) asking us for money!

There’s an obnoxious singalong to the tune of “I’m A Believer.” I’m too tired to figure out who all these people are. I see Kobe Bryant and more SYTYCD pimping. Was that Baby Spice? Did Posh not allow her on the show Wednesday night? Throughout the night we’ll see a litany of celebrities not quite famous enough to appear on Wednesday’s show, except for Jim Carrey. Not quite sure how he got stuck on Thursday.

Seacrest starts the results. Brooke and the Davids are both safe, obvi. We take a break for another report from Africa from Forest and Keysha Whitaker, then we’re back to the Idol stage for Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. They sing that “No Air” song, which is at least better than “Tattoo,” and the whole time all I can think is how I want to brush Jordin’s hair. They award her with some plaques – she sold some CDs, some people downloaded her songs, I think maybe she crossed the street this morning…

The Ford commercial involves paint and a car and the Idols just wanting to celebrate. God, I hate these things.

Back to results. Jason & Kristy Lee are safe, which leaves Syesha, Carly, & Michael backstage in the bottom three. While KLC drives me insane, I wasn’t throwing anything at my tv week after week when she stayed, because someone almost equally deserving always went home. None of these three deserve that. Yes, Syesha is boring and a pain in the ass, and yes, Carly seriously underwhelms me, and yes, Michael has lived up to his audition only once or twice. But to send any of them packing before KLC? No way.

But of course we can’t find out who’s going home just yet. We check in with Bono once more (is this Bono Gives Back?) and then we get taped messages from Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and Barack Obama. (I’m fairly certain Lindsay and I have differing political views, so I’m refraining from making any comments. My Spirit Has Been Broken will not endorse a candidate at this time, unless said candidate promises to lock up KLC in a cellar or something.)

We finally get the results, and it’s Michael who’s going home. Seacrest is especially bitchy tonight. Seriously, he’s really mean to Michael. Everyone looks genuinely shocked, most of all the contestants. Carly is totally broken up. David C. looks pissed. (You know he’s thinking, you’re leaving me here with a stoner and a teenager?) Give props to Michael though. He sings the crap out of “Dream On,” and it might be even better than his performance on Tuesday. The only better goodbye song I’ve seen on this show was Phil’s “Blaze of Glory” from Bon Jovi week last year. And with that, we’re done to our top 7.

I’ll be back Tuesday to recap the performance night, and Lindsay is stuck with results this week. And Idol Madness continues! See you then.

So You Think You Can Give Back

Well, it’s Sunday and I’ve finally gotten around to watching the marathon that was “Idol Gives Back,” and I’m here to give you my take on the evening’s events. All in all, not quite as bad as I’d expected, although it was pretty bad. The clout and industry power Idol has was on display all night, with A list celebrities all over the Kodak Theater and in pre-taped segments. But more on that later.

We begin with the Idols singing Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t this inspirational week? How is a song about grinding up with a stranger in a club inspirational? Who decided this was appropriate to kick off a charity fundraiser? Ooooh, now I get it. There are some dancers from “So You Think You Can Dance” flying all over the stage. Well-played, Nigel, using a fundraiser to pimp your other show. Anyways, there’s a lot of people on the stage and I really can’t keep anything straight, and it all ends with Seacrest dancing. Someone please pull him off the stage.

Kylie Minogue!!! Love her. Why isn’t she popular here? I never get that.

Maria Shriver appears on stage with some volunteers and urges us to give back. I’m still too distracted by the band playing “Maria” from “The Sound of Music” when she walked on the stage. Is this the Oscars?

More celebrity pleas: Ben Stiller, who is annoying as always, and Jennifer Connelly in a segment about drinking water.

Back to the Kodak: Snoop!! Snoop a loop!!! In a Pirates hat. With a kids football team. I think he’s their coach? Guys, how awesome would it be to have Snoop as your football coach? Anyways, Snoop is awesome.

More celebs: Kobe Bryant, some dude from the WWE.

Randy & Paula introduce a segment where they tour neighborhoods with a little boy that absolutely breaks my heart. Paul keeps the craziness mostly at bay, and my heart melts when the boy says he wishes he had more fields to play in.

But wait, after showing us the very real problems of these kids, we then cut to a ridiculous segment in which Carrie Underwood & James Denton are looking at a sink. Literally, they’re on the floor looking at it. I don’t believe for a second you have plumbing problems, Ms. Underwood. I saw James Denton at a benefit last year and he is a good looking guy. They’re interrupted by one of the few women who can come close to Paula-level-batshit-craziness, Ms. Terri Hatcher. This leads to Terri “stealing Carrie’s song” and then singing “Before He Cheats” with James on guitar. Guys, it’s awful. But really, probably not the worst performance we’ve ever seen on Idol.

More SYTYCD pimping. Nigel & Mary ask for money. I fast-forward because I can’t listen to the sound of her voice. Tonight is starting to suck the life from me.

Billy Crystal & Miley Cyrus do a mildly entertaining bit before Miley sings a song that is not “See You Again.” Booooo.

The top 12 are answering phones. Hey, David Hernandez! Bono goes to Africa. Julianne Moore asks for money.

Fergie & John Legend perform. I fast-forward, because I hate Fergie. I stop when I see Heart. Heart!!! Guys, they’re so cool. They’re singing “Barracuda.” I love th—oh, damn. Fergie comes back. And she sucks the life out of this otherwise awesome song.

More celebs: another dude from the WWE, Adam Sandler and his dog. Peyton and Eli Manning! They go to New Orleans. Personally, I think Peyton needs to step it up a bit. His PSA for United Way was much better.

The Beckhams look Beckhamesque and ask us for money. Bono goes to Africa again and talks to a little boy who wants to become a judge. Annie Lennox joins him there, taking a family of orphaned boys to be tested for HIV. She then performs at the Kodak Theater, and I’m mesmerized. Guys, this is what Idol Gives Back should be. Not SYTYCD pimping. Not Terri Hatcher’s craziness. Not Fergie. This. Moving performances, moving videos, and genuine interest and care for the issues at hand. Idol has this amazing opportunity to genuinely change the world, and they invite Miley Cyrus. But here, with Annie’s segment and performance, for a few minutes, they totally get it right.

And then the spell is broken, and we’re back to the crazy. Keifer Sutherland asks us to give, and Celine Dion goes to Africa. And then Jimmy Kimmel appears, and this is the most entertaining segment of the show so far. He introduces Simon’s visit to the Children’s Health Fund in New York.

At this point, my patience is waning. Carrie Underwood performs. Whoopi & Ellen ask us for money. Gloria Estefan performs with Sheila E. Sarah Silverman! Love her. Forrest & Keisha Whitaker tell us about malaria. Prime Minister Gordon Brown tells us the UK is donating money for mosquito nets. Was our own president not available for this? Keith Urban. Reese Witherspoon for the Children’s Defense Fund. The Idols sing “Seasons of Love.” (I can’t remember, but did they kick Amanda, David, Ramiele, & Chikezie back to the curb for this one? Like, come answer phones but you can’t sing?)

Dane Cook is being Dane Cook. Alicia Keys goes to Africa. The High School Musical girls ask for money. Where is Zac Efron? More Miley Cyrus – so let me get this right. Annie Lennox performs once, and Miley freaking Cyrus goes twice? Miley and Billy Ray go to Kentucky. Robin Williams does a stupid bit where he is the Russian Idol. I hope he didn’t start the Cold War back up again.

Rob Schneider, because anywhere Adam Sandler goes, he goes too. Tyra. David Spade. Brad Pitt goes to New Orleans and nearly starts a riot in the Kodak. Daughtry goes to Africa, and my DVR cuts off. Really, Fox? You had two and a half hours and couldn’t end on time???

So my thoughts on IGFB: only a few moments got it right. The pretaped segments brought attention to worthy causes, and were often moving, but then the debacle in the Kodak negated all that. If it all raises money though, then I suppose it’s worth it.

I’ll be back with the results show recap later today!

G'bye, mate.

Sorry, guys. No recap again today. I swear, they will be up this weekend. Till then, enjoy this ode to Michael Johns:

Oh, Michael. When you auditioned, we thought you were cute. Somehow you aged 40 years in four weeks. We were always waiting for something better from you, till last week, and then you plummeted back to the ground this week, when you continued to sing songs prominently featured in sports movies. I really think David Archuleta was a little afraid of you, which I thought was funny. Syesha should have left before you. Kristy Lee should have left before you. But unfortunately, last night, we had to say goodbye to your vests and cravats. But dream on, Michael. Dream on. Dream until your dreams come true.

Give me back 2.5 hours of my life. Please?

Due to extenuating circumstances (i.e. husbands returning home from warfare, friends moving away, the Pens kicking major ass) there will be no recap of IGFB today. I haven't yet watched it, and doubt I will catch up tonight because, let's face it, I don't have 2.5 hours to spare right now. If I do have 2.5 hours to spare tonight, I'm going to watch the recap show, or the return of "The Office," or any number of playoff hockey games. An IGFB recap will appear sometime this week. All I know now is that Snoop wore a Pirates hat. Go Buccos.

I'll leave you with sightings of 2 of my all-time favorite Idols: Elliott Yamin (who I'm still convinced should have won over Soul Patrol and Kat McPhee) and Jon Peter Lewis (who was just so darn amusing in his own weird way).

Idol Madness: The Elite Eight

Give THIS back...

Hi guys, Lindsay here. I need to apologize to everyone in advance because this blog is going to be all over the place like Paula off her meds. I'm bouncing off the walls with excitement because my husband is coming home tomorrow from a 15 month tour in Afghanistan! I love my hunky hero and seriously thought this day would never come. Wooo!!!

So of course it's only fitting on the night before one of the most exciting days of my life is the night of the "inspirational" song performances leading up to IGFB tomorrow. God. And seriously, you guys, before IGFB was even a twinkle in Nygel Lithgoe's eye, THIS was the definition of an inspirational Idol performance:



For realsies.

Anyway, 10 bucks says David A. is in the pimp spot tonight, because I think Idol Gives F'ing Back gave birth to him a year ago. But up first is Michael singing "Dream On." I really wish so bad I was watching this with Bren because we would totally make a drinking game out of this. Drink every time someone says the word: dream, believe, hope, world, difference, inspire. We'd be wasted by 8:15.

So Gramps comes out sporting another Chuck Bass original that he's layered with his waiter's outfit. Seriously, black vest, white collared shirt? Yikes. This is decent, but not nearly as good as last week. The chorus seems forced, especially when he goes into the falsetto. I completely agree with Randy and Simon, and Michael is now talking back to Randy. MICHAEL. SHHH. No one cares that coming to America was your dream. DRINK!

Up next is Syezzzzsha. After hearing for 20 minutes about how much she misses Ramiele, she starts singing Fan-f'ing-tasia's "Believe"--oh man. The Dawg is not going to feel this, Fantasia was his GIRL. If I'm being honest, Syesha bores the shit out of me, but she really is a very good vocalist. This performance was very good, very controlled, but dayum, Syesha. Way to pick two songs in a row that you know are going to piss off Randy. You suck. Randy tells the truth, which is that she sang it well but didn't connect. Bottom three again? Word.

Jason is singing that ukelele version of "Over the Rainbow" that we've all heard a billion times as of late. I believe more and more every week that he is totally stoned throughout this whole ordeal. Whatever gets you through Jason! By the way, he says the word "dream" four times in his 30 second intro. I'm buzzed already.

Vocally, he is as on point as we've heard him since "Hallelujah" but I'm kind of bored because he sounds exactly like the version of this song he chose to emulate. Also, he is wearing some tight ass pants. Randy tells him he is "blazing, molting hot", but I don't think that is necessarily true. Simon loves it, and I think Jason will escape the bottom three this week. We need him around for 4/20! Vote for Jason!

Please don't make me recap Kristy Lee. Please? Seriously, guys, she looks so white trash all the time. She is rocking the corn chip nail tips and white jeans and giant belt and for real looks like she just rolled up out the closest trailer park. HAAAAAAAAAAAATE. She sings "Anyway" by Martina McBride. If I'm giving KLC credit, because we're nothing if we're not impartial (ha!) she was actually not terrible tonight. Here's hoping she's still in the bottom three anyway. OMG, Eric McCormack, wtf? Will Truman would NEVER clap for Kristy Lee Cook. NEVER.

Side note, tonight's theme should have been "When Paula's Boobs Attack!" Put em away, Abdul.

Up next is David Cook. He gets two yays from me right off the bat: a yay for sticking with the no greasy bang hairdo and a yay for not bullshitting about dreaming and inspiring in his intro. He's singing "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace and I'm not loving this. In fact, to distract myself from the not good performance this is becoming, I'm going to study David's jacket because that shit is mystifying. What the hayell?? I'm waiting for David A. to pop out of one of the GIANT pockets on that thing.

OMG DAVID, SERIOUSLY. NO YOU DID NOT FLASH YOUR PALM TO THE CAMERA WITH "GIVE BACK" WRITTEN ON IT. WHY? WHYYYYY? Randy tells him it fell short and wasn't his best, which, true, and Simon tells him he thinks he was pompous during it. I would disagree with that up until the barfness moment when he flashed his palm. As a positive, David has learned to take criticism much better. I'm still rooting for him.

Carly comes out and does Queen's "The Show Must Go On" and basically delivers a total bottom three worthy performance. She totally loses control of the vocals like a billlion times, her voice is cracking and alternates between flat and sharp in this whole thing, and it's basically kind of a mess. And that's coming from someone who has been rooting for her these past few weeks. Also, please GOD someone get this girl a better stylist. Randy tells her it was "just okay", which I'm inclined to disagree with as I didn't even think it was okay. Simon nails it when he tells her she oversang it and lost control. Dammit, Carly.

OK, I lost my 10 bucks because Archuleta wasn't in the pimp spot, but Brooke is basically his female counterpart, so I should at least get five bucks. He chooses Robbie Williams' "Angels" and all I can hear in my head now is the lousy ass Jessica Simpson remake of this song. David's at the piano tonight, which is nice, I forgot he played. He starts out a bit rocky in the beginning but he picks it up towards the middle and definitely finishes better than he started. Randy's like all over him about how this was da bomb and the hott or whatever it is that Randy says, but I'm (again) more inclined to agree with Simon. Best song choice, not his best vocal of all time.

EWWWWWW...please tell me you guys saw that little girl holding the poster with David's face on it and the words "Lick Those Lips!" OH. MA. GAWD. Hands down, grossest poster ever and I'm sure you'd see gross-ass posters at, like a Poison concert. Like Bret Michaels can read.

Anyway, the pimp spot is Brooke. She's singing "You've Got a Friend", and let me just take a minute to pause this because I want to be able to fast forward during her inevitable back talk. I love James Taylor so much. I wonder if he'll give back to IGFB. Okay, there is nothing original about this performance, and it is totally not pimp-spot worthy. Not that any of them really were, Idol Gives F'ing Back sucks so hard. BOO. I love it when Randy says "I wasn't mad", I don't know why. I'm crazy. Oh my God, Idol DOES give back! There's hot-ass Luke! WOOOOO!

Thoughts on tonight--I hated it. Bottom three will be Carly, probably Syesha and hopefully Kristy Lee, but I don't even know any more. It's so hard to tell who was really bad through this crap. In the spirit of giving back, Bren will blog the rest of the week, at some point, because she is awesome. We can't promise when the recaps of Wednesday and Thursday will be up, but they'll be there at some point. Cheers!

Idol Madness: Kat vs. Ruuuuuuuuuuuben

Meatloaf with Katharine McPhee - It's All Coming Back To Me
VS.
Ruuuuuuuuuuben Studdard – Sorry 2004

Brenna here with the final match up of Idol Madness, round 1. Sorry for being a blog delinquent this week, kids. I promise round 2 won’t take nearly as much time!

Let me begin by clarifying. As Lindsay said yesterday, we are talking worst performances. We’re also bending the rules a bit on this one. These two performances meant nothing to the competition – Katharine’s coming in the season 5 finale, and Ruuuuuuuuuuben’s being his first single after being crowned season 2 Idol. But if we’re looking at the worst performances in Idol history, you’ve got to include these two.

The season 5 finale was a hot mess. You had the Soul Patrol, and Mary J. Blige practically pushing Elliott off the stage during their “duet,” the Hoff crying in the audience, but nothing compared to the strange spectacle that was Katharine’s duet with Meatloaf. First of all, how did Katharine pull that straw? I know Meatloaf is a legend and all, but really? Meatloaf? And Katharine? The whole time it looks like Meatloaf wants to eat Kat, and Kat’s doing this diva bullshit, and I realize Meatloaf had medical problems or something but he’s shaking and offkey the whole time, and am I supposed to believe that Kat was in love with Meatloaf? Guys, it was just WEIRD. Like, train wreck weird.

Then you have Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuben. I admit, I was a Claymate in season 2 and was pissed when Ruuuuuuuuuuuben won, but I will tell you right now Ruuuuuuuuuuuuben has an amazing voice and he deserved to win. He did not deserve this song. This song with R. Kelly-level terrible lyrics, like “It's like I forgot your gift, on 02 14 03. (Damn. So sorry!)” This song where Ruuuuuuuuuuben is apologizing for hanging out in strip clubs and hot tubs and for THE ENTIRE YEAR 2004. Ruuuuuuuuuuben, how about saying you’re sorry for “Sorry 2004”? Please?

As bad as Ruuuuuuuuuuuben’s song was, I suppose the performance itself isn’t that awful, so I have to give him a pass. Meatloaf and Katharine, we’ll do anything for love, but we won’t do that. You’re through to the next round.

I promise the Idol bracket will be updated tomorrow and posted for those needing visual aid. I’ve been distracted by finding things like this on youtube.

Idol Madness: Ryan vs. Sundance

Ryan Starr, "Last Dance", season one

vs.

Sundance Head "Nights in White Satin", season six

So, for the Idol Madness bracket of Worst Performance Ever, we never actually said worst VOCAL performance. To us, performance means the whole package. Vocals, stage presence, wardrobe--everything. We're explaining this because some of you may be thinking, Ryan Starr? But wasn't she pretty good? Well, friends, Ryan Starr may have not had the worst voice this show has ever seen, but dear GOD did she have the worst personal style and presentation. Take exhibit A: her "Last Dance" performance. Tranny make-up? Check. Choice of crappy Donna Summer song? Check. Black and white shredded tops layered over each other? Check. Mini-skirt that looks like a pink ace bandage accessorized with not one, but TWO belts? Got it. Also, I'm pretty sure at one point, the cameraman was totally trying to see up her skirt. Klassy, Ryan.

On the total opposite end of the skank spectrum, we have Jason "Sundance" Head. Sundance appeared to be somewhat of an early front-runner during the audition process and I personally thought while he wouldn't be the winner, he would be a shoo-in for the top 12 and definitely beat out Sanjaya. Cut to the last week of the top 24, and Sundance chooses "Nights in White Satin", and all we have to say about this is...wow. I mean, look at him. It was so bad, his hair apparently is trying to escape from his head. The weird diction and over-enunciation aside, I totally thought the dude was going to stroke out in the middle of the performance. So, thanks for that, man. It's your fault we had to deal with Sanjaya for five more weeks.

This is a tough call, but because I'm a catty bitch, I'm giving the round to Ryan. Let's see her battle it out with Carmen in the Elite Eight. On Friday, Bren's blogging the best round from the sweet sixteen, make sure you check it out. We'll also update the bracket on Friday afternoon for your viewing pleasure. Stay tuned!

I got Jesus, yes I do! I got Jesus, how 'bout you?

Hi kids, Brenna here with the results show recap. Forgive me if my attention seems elsewhere. I watched the Pens kick some Flyers ass tonight and clinch the Atlantic Division. My priorities get split about this time of year. I'd probably be ok with KLC winning Idol if it meant the Pens won the Cup.

Anyways. The show kicks off with what may be the worst group sing we’ve ever seen. (Maybe we should do that bracket next?) The Idols are singing “9 to 5,” and David Cook looks like he genuinely wants to cry. People, they’re making him dance, and it’s just tragic. I find myself watching the entire song, because it’s amusing me to no end.

The recap shows us how bad Ramiele and KLC were, and how awesome Michael Johns was. Ryan amps up the pregnant pause scale to 11 and gives the Idols their results. Michael – safe. David A. – safe. Carly – safe. (How scared does David A. look sitting in between those two?!)

Call-ins. Predictable as usual. I’m amused by caller #5, Kristen, who says she’ll give Idol Gives F’ing Back $5000 for a date with the Cookster. Honey, you don’t need to give them money. Just go out to a club dressed all slutty and I’m sure he’ll find you and pick you up. (Because in my mind, David C. is Barney from "How I Met Your Mother," but without the suit or Neil Patrick Harris level of awesome.)

Apparently someone won that Next American Band show, and Nigel is trying to pimp them on Idol. I don’t care enough to waste text on them.

The Ford commercial reached a new low.

Back to results. David C. – safe. (And deciding to return to the combover. David, honey, you looked really good last night. Don’t ruin it.) Ramiele – to the stools, followed by KLC.
We now get an Idol alumni reunion with a Nashville theme. Bucky looks trashier than while he was on the show. When did Phil Stacey become Chris Daughtry 2.0? And I have no opinion on Bo cuz I was in Greece that year.

Results. Syesha – safe. Jason – safe. Brooke – to the stools. Huh? Really?

Errr? Brooke?

Time for Dolly’s performance, and damn. I mean, I know she’s Dolly Parton and all, but for Dolly that was even a crazy outfit. It’s like she’s trying to be formal on top, but she’s got these leggings on, so just in case she needs to go do yoga, it’s a quick transition. She sings a song about having Jesus and gravity. I’m really confused about the connection between the two, but then I look up the lyrics:

'Cause I've got
Somethin' lifting me up (Jesus)
Somethin' holding me down (gravity)
Somethin' to give me wings and (Jesus)
Somethin' to keep my feet on the ground (gravity)

Ok, that makes sense now. You know what I do love about Dolly? She seemed genuinely excited that the kids sang her songs and (mostly) did well. I enjoy her.

The bottom 3 is back at centerstage, and Brooke is rambling again. I love her but someone needs to tell her to shut up sometimes. Ryan sends her back to safety. Ramiele is already crying, and KLC looks like a pro at this. Ramiele is sent home and completely loses her marbles. The rest of the girls come out to comfort her, leaving the boys on the couches. I think Jason is looking for a bong, David A. is trying to avoid getting beat up again by the big boys, and David C. is clearly begging Michael to be his wingman at the bar later. And we’re done.

Lindsay & I will tag-team Idol Gives F’ing Back next week, since no one in their right mind should be expected to sit through 2.5 hours of that crap. Apparently the Mannings will be involved, leaving me wondering if there’s anything Peyton won’t promote.

Idol Madness: Luke vs. Camille

Luke Menard, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", season seven

vs.

Camille Velasco, "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road", season three

Sorry it's taking us close to forever to do the Idol madness blogs, guys. The Elite Eight of worst performances ever is almost complete, and we'll be posting the updated bracket, since we've had some requests for that. We have a feeling the Final Four is going to be goooood. Anyway, tonight's match-up is between season seven contestant and token hottie Luke Menard (take off your shirt!) and season three's Camille Velasco.

So, anyone who watches this show can expect to be inundated with quite a bit of cheese. I mean, the group numbers? The FORD! commercials? Idol Gives F'ing Back? We all know what the show's about, and we watch and love it anyway. It was only fitting that on 80's night during season seven's top 24, Luke Menard would bust out the cheesiest of cheese, so wrong it's right, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", right? We have to say, this was one time where being wrong was so not right, and from the first "buh duh bum" notes of this, you could tell it was going to be a disaster. As soon as he couldn't hit that hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, we knew our precious Luke wouldn't make the top 12. Bren and I were hoping so bad he'd get into the top 12 and be able to pick off two of the weaker of the herd to make it on the tour, but alas, we'll never get to yell at Luke to take it off in person.

However, that debacle, as cringe-worthy as it may have been, pales in comparison to poor, disastrous Camille Velasco singing "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road". I mean, GOD. If you guys don't remember this, you really need to watch the link here. The video is not that great, but all you need is the sound. These kids had the opportunity to choose songs from ELTON JOHN'S song book and Camille picks one of the most difficult songs to sing. The AAAAAAHaaaaahAAAAAAH part on the chorus is tough enough to pull off, let alone the complex range of the entire rest of the song. High notes, low notes, and they all sounded like ass. We're giving this round to Camille, because this was a monstrosity, and Luke is just so pretty!

Make sure you guys read the last round of the sweet 16, because it's a going to be a good one!

And we rely on each other, ah ah.

Hey guys, Lindsay here, and I'm freakin' psyched that Dolly Parton is the mentor tonight. Although I'm not really sure that I love Dolly Parton's SONGS, you have to admit that this bitch is FIERCE. For serious. And also, let's celebrate that the show is finally down to an hour. YAAAAAY!

After Ryan makes an incredibly lame April Fools' Day joke that fools no one, it's on to the good stuff. How hilarious is it that Dolly wrote "9 to 5" by clicking her acrylic nails!? HAAAA. See, it's shit like this that makes her awesome. I bet she is the greatest at the shit-talk. I would love to gossip with Dolly Parton. Remind me to tell you guys about her brother some time. Our readers in North Carolina know what I'm talking about. Just Google "Randy Parton" and you'll see what I mean. We spent a half hour at work one day watching the press conference he gave and we swore he was drunk when he did it. Awesome.

Anyway, Brooke is up first, singing "Jolene" and I'm glad to see she's got her guitar. I think she's creepy when she doesn't have an instrument. The song is okay, she's a little flat in the beginning, and the song kind of sounds like if KT Tunstall tried to remake Dolly Parton. It's nice to see them have the interaction with the music and the backup singers. And, I don't really love this.

Also, is it me, or is Brooke getting a touch annoying? I hate judge backtalk, because I feel like if you're talking, even just saying THANK YOU, and OKAY over and over, it means you're not LISTENING, and most of the time the judges know what they are talking about. Paula, when she's lucid, is actually a decent judge. BROOKE--be seen and not heard. Well, only be heard when you're singing and in your dumb interview packages they make you do. Thanks.

David C. is going second and he has to trot out the speech Chris Daughtry had to give two years ago when he didn't credit Live for his version of "Walk the Line." Blah blah blah, does ANYONE really care that some random group called Doxology did that version of Eleanor Rigby? I didn't think so.

ALSO--important news. David FINALLY got a stylist who did something with that hair, and this is the first time I've looked at him and not thought he looked like a skeevy pervert. I think it was those greasy bangs hiding half his face that gave me the vibe, and he actually looks normal and nice tonight. He's singing "Little Sparrow" and does a great job with it. It's not my favorite of his performances, but he's still consistently good, and he's one of the only ones I actually look forward to. Work it, David.

Speaking of looking forward to people, here's someone who does not fit in that category. Ramiele is singing a song that I don't know and judging by the way she starts it out, I thought this was going to be a lot better. What in the HAY-ELL is on her feet??? She is all over the place vocally, and I'm bored by her. She always looks like she is scared to death. The judges don't like it either and Simon makes a cruise ship reference, which is one of the first we've heard this season I believe. We'll all have forgotten this by 9:00.

Jason is next, and you can so tell that Dolly loves him. You can also tell how much she loves her own music watching her sing along with Jason. It's the cutest. Call me, Dolly! Jason's singing "Travelin' Through" and I really like him this week. I think he looks really natural and his voice sounds great. I've been a fan of Jason's since the top 24, and he's had some rough weeks, but I like him tonight. Shockingly, I agree with everything Paula says. Maybe that Excedrin I took for a headache a few hours ago was one of her downers, I don't know. Simon hated it, but I was a fan.

I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that I didn't really take ANY notes during Carly's song. It either means I was totally engaged or totally bored. Watching it back, I really liked it. I've been liking Carly more and more each week. But GOD, I completely agree with Simon on her effing outfit. CARLY. Red riding pants/leggings/stirrup pants, whatever tucked into boots is NOT GOOD. I'm realizing that our blog is kind of a hybrid of TV Without Pity and Go Fug Yourself, so hope you guys are okay with that, haha.

We come back from commercial to find Ryan hanging out in the crowd, and Jon Heder's cousin is apparently in the audience tonight. Did you guys see that guy!? I totally thought it was Napolean Dynamite. Anyway, David A.'s dad has picked out "Smoky Mountain Memories" for David tonight. Of course, another ballad. David. COME ON. You can't really deny that this kid is talented, and I'd like to see him go far, but you gotta give us something to go on. He nails the last power note, so good on him, and the judges all love it. Paula apparently had "glorious" on her word of the day calendar, since she's now used it to describe Carly AND David. David is going to be safe for a while, so I really hope he breaks away from ballads next week.

I can't even talk about Kristy Lee after last week's disgusting display. She's probably going to nail it this week since it's country. She's singing "Coat of Many Colors", which I don't know, and she's dressed in something reminiscent of what Uli Herzner on season three of Project Runway would have designed. Biff, BMiller, am I right? That's what I thought. This is seriously the weirdest song ever. It's about being poor and still being happy and able to work it even though you're wearing a coat your mama made out of like a hundred other coats, and I'm totally bored and I hate Kristy Lee. Wouldn't it be sweet, sweet poetic justice if she got the boot during country week?

The award for the most random and least relevant audience member of Idol EVER goes to Vanna White. VANNA WHITE. At least the Hoff is musically famous in Germany, LOL. You guys, I cannot believe Syesha. What in the HAYELL is she thinking, taking on "I Will Always Love You", seriously? I really hope she doesn't Whitney it all up. She's sitting on the piano, which does nothing for me, and the beginning of the song gives me hope. She's not doing any crazy Whitney runs all over it, and her voice sounds really strong and good.

Oh my, and then we get to the big Whitney-fied chorus. I'm surprised they didn't stick her in the pimp spot with this, but I'm glad they didn't. Also, that looooooooooooooooooooong ass note at the end was super self-indulgent and not that good. First half of the song: 8; second half of the song: 5. BOO.

I'd like to point out that it's 8:57, we're in commercials and we still have not gotten to Gramps yet. Fox needs to get their shit together and figure out how to make an hour long show actually last ONE HOUR. Anyway, so Michael comes out in the pimp spot, dressed like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl. I'm well aware I referenced him looking like Rufus Humphrey from Gossip Girl a few posts ago, which he still does, but I have to bring up the outfit. Nice scarf, Michael. Snicker. Anyway, he is totally rocking out here and I'm really enjoying this. Gramps is kinda hot! Vocally, I think it's his best yet, and he gets raves from all the judges. Simon echoes what's in my head, also saying it's the best we've heard from him. Woo!

So for me, best of the night goes to Gramps, maybe Carly and David C., who also wins most improved makeover. Middle of the pack are David A., Brooke and Jason. My ideal bottom three would be Ramiele, Syesha and Kristy Lee, but we'll see if that actually happens. Simon wasn't feeling Jason, so America might not either. Bren will be here tomorrow with your results! And next week is Idol Gives F'ing Back. Cheers!