Jennifer Lopez and the Airplane Hangar of Doom

Blah blah blah, airplane hangar, making dreams come true, Jennifer Lopez crying, drama, THE CHAIR. This set feels like a leftover from an Indiana Jones movie. How the hell we still have two hours of this boggles my mind.

Oh, Lord. Jenny from the block is still crying. This isn't a competition for who has the most tragic story, it's a singing competition, so let's move on to the actual singing, please. We finally get past that and start with Karen Rodriguez. Karen is apparently a big JLo fan and sings a jazzy version of If You Had My Love, which is actually kind of awesome. Karen is in the top 24.

Next: Robbie Rosen, who looks like a Jonas Brother.  He sings in falsetto and has prominent eyebrows. Tweens will love him. He's in.

Tatynisa Wilson. She butchers that song I hate about hoping you dance, but has fierce hair. She cries a lot, and she's in.

Out: Brittany Mazur and Jimmy Allen, who is wearing a vest with a beater underneath like LL Cool J circa 1994.

Tim Halpern walks the long walk into the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. I get a Kris Allen vibe from him, and if the Idol stylists work their magic and fix his hair, he could be cute. He sings an original song for the SING FOR YOUR LIFE portion. He's in. I think I might like him.

Julie Zorrilla is wearing a tutu. The clips of her in Hollywood Week sound pretty good. They drag it out forever, telling her they need to feel something when she sings, before telling her she's in, of course. She then picks up - and almost drops - Seacrest. I like Julie.

Two country singers. Seacrest's voiceovers have to be written by the same people who write Gossip Girl. Something about one of them being put out to pasture. First up is Scotty McCreery, who has a super deep Johnny Cash voice going on and makes JLo think inappropriate thoughts about a teenager. He's in. The other country guy, whose name is actually JOHN WAYNE SCHULZ, is not.

Jovany Bareto. He apparently took off his shirt during his audition. He's like The Situation meets Mark Anthony. He's in.

Lauren Turner. She was a housekeeper. She's got a bluesy belty sort of voice. She's also in. Geez, are they cutting anyone?! It seems like everyone is getting through. Ok, good, here we go. A few cuts of people whose names I don't catch.

Rachel Zevita was at Hollywood Week in season 6 too, and she has a hilarious grandmother who tells Seacrest he's losing too much weight. Rachel has Siobhan's craziness but not her voice, even though she sings my favorite Lady Gaga song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Just not all that well. Yikes. Oh Lord, she's through. The craziness will continue. There has to be at least one every season. Lindsay texts me that she's this year's Tatiana, which is correct, even though I wish Lindsay hadn't reminded me of that crazy bitch's existence.

Kendra Chantelle. She sings Fallin', which has to be one of the most overused songs on this show. She's pretty good. She's in.

Jordan Dorsey. He's the one who kept holding auditions during GROUP NIGHT. Ew, this is the contestant Simon would call cabaret. He's just too much. Also, I miss Simon. Jordan is through.

Wait, did I say Julie was wearing a tutu? No. Lauren Allaina is wearing a tutu. That's leopard print. And cowboy boots. Seacrest calls her Cowgirl Barbie. Seriously, look at this mess:

Wait, she's 16?!?!?! WTF, she wears more makeup than I do. Girl is going to have wrinkles at 25. Regardless, Cowgirl Barbie is in.

Stefano apparently had some kind of accident and has a scar. He sang an original song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Meh. There's nothing unique about him. He's in.

Jackie Wilson. Your lipstick is too red, girl. She's out.

Jacob Lusk. Big voice. He spasms his way through God Bless the Child, which Randy then calls the single best performance ever on Idol. It was good, but I don't think I'd go best performance ever. Jacob twitches and dances and squeals some more when they tell him he's in and OH MY GOD IT'S TAYLOR HICKS 2.0. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We're finally in the home stretch. Pia Toscano: in. James Durban: has Tourettes and is in. Casey Abrams is a Seth Rogen lookalike who plays the stand-up bass. AWESOME. He's got a cool throwback voice, but I worry it might get old quickly. He's in, and then THE CHAIR falls off the stage. OH NO SAVE THE CHAIR.

Finally. Two girls left. Thia Megia and Jessica Cunningham. Thia sang You Raise Me Up in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. In my mind, that should be an automatic elimination along with the hoping you dance song. Barf. Jessica looks like a baby Kara Dioguardi. Steven undresses her with his eyes several times. Jessica has auditioned seven times, and it's her birthday, and she gets cut. Ouch. Thia is through.

Three guys left. Brett Lowenstern, aka Shawn White, Jacee Badeaux, who was the guy kicked out of his group on Group Night, and Colton Dixon, who seems to be taking hair and wardrobe advice from Mike Green. Jaycee is cute, but cute for Glee, not American Idol. Brett sings an original song. Emo Colton sings some Daughtry and is killer at the piano. The judge drag it out as long as possible, and Brett makes it through. Seriously?? I can't handle that hair for very long. And he actually says, "It doesn't matter who made it, because we're all shining stars." Ohhhh Shawn White, bottle that shit up.

So there's your top 24. Three nights of this next week. Woohoo!!! Peace out.

Beatles, take 4000

Last week, two rooms full of 61 nutcases and character disorders moved on to the next round of the show. This week is the weird new mess of where they go to Vegas to learn a Beatles song in 24 hours and perform it on some giant, Cirque du So-Lame type set. I only just started watching this show and I already can't wait for the top 24.

Also: I don't care for the new credits. I'm crotchety and old and don't like change.

Bus ride to Vegas. Can you imagine being trapped on a bus with these people?? LOL. Also they should make the judges ride on the bus too. I would be excited to tune in to watch that.

Rehearsals. Thia Megia and some girl get told off by Peggy the vocal coach. Awesome. Another trio is struggling too. How hard is it to sing a Beatles song, seriously? Lauren Alaina needs to pull it together. My new favorite people on this show are the vocal coaches. Let's have a spin off about them. They are all deliciously bitchy. Especially Peggy. "You're gonna die on stage" is my new favorite quote.

Visit by Jimmy Iovine and "the best music people in the business." The kids have to sing in front of them now, and they're tanking. SCORE. This is excellent TV. Jimmy busts out all the best criticism, he's like the new Simon.

I don't understand the format of this episode. Why is this two hours long? There's so much wasted shit here. OK, we're in front of the judges finally. Stefano something, "unemployed" and James Durbin, also "unemployed." My dad's comment about James while watching this with me: Who does that kid think he is, Sgt. Pepper? Dad, keepin' it real. They're just okay.

Two girls who knew each other in High School. Pia Toscano and Karen Rodriguez. They aren't terrible, I guess. I love Pia's outfit and shoes. Their performance is a little cruise shippy, but not bad. Now we have Haley Reinhart, who I think I hate, Naima Adedapo whose look is CRAZY and Jacob Lusk, who might be kind of awesome based on his performance I recapped last week.

Rachel Zevita needs to be gone. She can't be real. I rather enjoyed the snippet of Lauren Turner's "Let it Be." She sang with that Jovany guy. Tim Halperin is pretty good. Piano guy. He duetted on piano with Julie Gorilla. This was actually pretty good.

After commercials, we have a trio of Jerome Bell, Lakeisha Lewis and Tatynisa Wilson. Lakeisha is the best one in this group by far. And I cannot continue to type Tatynisa's name. COME ON. Then Kendra Chantelle and Paul McDonald sing "Blackbird" which is my favorite Beatles song. Paul's better than Kendra.

Montage of some pretty decent groups, but they don't show us anyone's names during this montage so I'm not sure who's who. I recognized Hipster Glasses in there but that was it.

Segue from Steven Tyler being weird to, SHOCKER, Ashley Sullivan being weird. I mean, can we PLEASE cut her?? For our sake as well as hers? Because girl ain't right. OH GOD, and her and her equally batshit boyfriend are going to the Britney Spears' wedding chapel to get married. FAST FORWARD, I do not have time for this shit.

Commercials are over and we're back with Day Two of Vegas auditions. Thia and Melinda Ademi were the girls who got berated by Peggy the vocal coach. Their performance is so twee and ridiculous. It's like bad show choir. NEXT. Oh God, not NEXT, it's Ashley "newly married" Sullivan and some poor girl named Sophia. And I am not typing Ashley's new last name. This performance blows. It's all nasally and weird. Ashley has zero stage presence.

Lauren Alaina, Scotty McCreary and Denise Jackson are next. Denise looks like a hooker and Scotty looks like he's about to go on college interviews. And his voice is weird. And Lauren is okay I guess, but she needs to drop the Madonna circa 1989 look ASAP. She is only 15. JLO actually offers decent criticism, telling them that the song just didn't fit them. Agreed. Bad.

Carson Higgins and Caleb Hawley are delightfully weird. I think I love Casey Abrams a lot. He and Chris Medina are pretty awesome. I can't believe Casey's only 19, he looks like he's 30. The final performance after the break is Robbie Rosen, Aaron Sanders and Jordan Dorsey. Apparently they sang together on GROUP NIGHT too. They're pretty good, I think Aaron might be the best one.

So wait, if this is the finale of Beatles day, what the hell are they going to fill the next hour of this show with?? Ahh, the "brutal cuts" we've been hearing so much about. Seacrest is so dramatic. Thia, Scotty, Jordan Dorsey, Ashthon, Robbie, Lauren are all through. I can get on board with Ashthon, Robbie, Jordan and Lauren, I guess, but Thia and Scotty are meh.

People get cut, including crazy Carson and "White House intern" Molly DeWalt. Aww, Caleb Hawley got cut too, I think I was starting to like him. Denise the hooker gets cut and FINALLY PRAISE JEEBUS, Ashley Sullivan gets cut. BYE CRAY CRAY. So now the rest of the peeps (40 total) have to go back to LA for...what now? More solos? And wait, THE CHAIR is tonight?? God, I am so confused. This episode is way too long.

Okay, we're in an airplane hanger now? WTF, show? Also JLO appears to have a breakdown at some point. Nice. First up is Naima Adedamo. She is seriously wearing what looks like either a bad bridesmaid or mother of the bride dress. Montage about Naima, she cleans toilets or something. She's through, after some dicking around by Steven. OMG she totally tells JLO that she used to watch In Living Color and wanted to be a flygirl like her. That kind of ruled.

Holly Cavanaugh is 17 and blonde and next to THE CHAIR. She's very cute and wholesome looking. Ew, she sang that Miley song about the mountain in her initial audition. Blech. Her montage shows that she's pretty good. They tell her no, even though JLo tells her she could come back and win the whole thing. Which I can totally see. Maybe JLo isn't a terrible judge after all?

Other people get cut, including Lakeisha Lewis, which sucks, because she was the only good one in her group. And some kid named Alex Ryan...who? Sorry about your lack of screen time, Alex.

Hipster Glasses aka Clint Jun Gamboa is up in the chair next. Because I hate him, he'll probably be through. I think Clint's like a cartoon character, like I could see Fred Armisen playing him on SNL or something. Clint, STOP TALKING. Of course Clint's in the top 24. Barf. Guys, don't vote for him. After commercials, Haley Reinhart. She just rubs me the wrong way, and I don't know why. She's through to the top 24.

OK, DeAndre Brackensick is 16 and has a face that is meant for modeling. I'm being 100% serious. I could see him shilling for Abercrombie. He was in the group with all the teenagers and their moms on GROUP NIGHT. I think he sounded pretty good overall, though. Of course, because I felt like I was starting to enjoy him, he gets cut. Dammit.

Paul McDonald is next. I enjoyed him in the duet he did with that Kendra girl. He has a "distinctive" voice, according to Ryan. It's definitely different. I would like to listen to him sing the entirety of Blackbird by himself. LOL okay, I gotta give him a point or two for the ridiculous suit he wore for his final audition. Minus a point for singing an original song, that shit never works. Oh he's in! Okay, yay. I might actually like someone in the top 24.

Ashthon Jones, I remember liking her during Group Night. OMG, why did she sing "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" for her final audition?? LOL, Ashthon, come on, crack is wack! She made it through, so that's two so far that I like in the top 24.

Okay, I think I'm at the end of the ep here. Who is the final person that makes JLo cry and say she doesn't want to do this anymore? Is it Chris Medina? Oh right, he's the one with the fiancee in the wheelchair. I think he might need a makeover if he makes it through. He sounds pretty good, but he's not my favorite. And he gets cut. I'm actually surprised, usually the show is all about pimping out people's sob stories....GOKEY. Sorry Chris.

Tonight, Brenna gets to recap two hours of THE CHAIR. I honestly don't understand how they're going to fill two more hours with this, but it's Idol, they'll figure out a way.

I feel ripped off

Hey guys! So excited to be back blogging our favorite trainwreck of a show! Before I get into last night's ep, I need to ask for some leniency. In case you don't know me in real life or from Facebook or Twitter, I had a baby last October. And while I'm not planning on mentioning my son in all my blog posts, because that would just be annoying, there are times when the Lindsay-designated eps of Idol may not be blogged immediately due to a multitude of infant-related issues. Last night was one of those times, so apologies for the lateness of this post!

So I felt totally jacked when I started watching this, because in my head, after Group Night comes THE CHAIR. But apparently, I forgot about the other step in this hateful process, which is the additional solos, then the whole dividing into rooms thing. I'm bitter. Anyway, let's get started. Last night was the awesomeness of Group Night, where we witnessed spectacular meltdowns and Brenna and I tried to get to know this year's crop of crazies. Literally the only person's name I know right now is Ashley, the one with the crazy eyes who tried to quit.

We're down to 100 exhausted souls. Montage of people waking up, primping, eating, filler, filler, filler. First up is Haley "in need of some Infusium" Reinhart. I can't decide if I covet or hate her shoes. Her face is annoying though. I don't like her. Her voice is some sort of mashup of like Joss Stone and someone else. Ashthon Jones has amazing hair and one too many H's in her first name. Oh, "And I Am Telling You." She sounds pretty great though, if a little generic. Her body is slammin', though. Thia Megia is wearing a sweater that looks like it was designed by a kindergarten on acid and sounds pretty awesome. I don't remember any of these people from Group Night.

After the break, we get a montage of contestants effing up, which is always fun. Oh, and blaming the band too, nice. Hey assholes? Have you seen this show? DON'T BLAME THE BAND. Oh god, I hate Frances Coontz. She has stupid Drew Carey glasses on and is freaking singing "Hey Soul Sister"--WHY?? That song really needs to go away, I can't believe it won a Grammy. Up next is the guy Brenna christened "Hipster Glasses", whose real name is Clint Jun Gamboa. He has another pair of annoying glasses on tonight. He also is an asshole and kicked that chubby teenager out of his group. Eff you, Clint.

Clint is still the only person I recognize from Wednesday night. Montage of interchangable blonde girls singing bluesy songs. I'm tired of bluesy girls. I would love a Ke$ha-like trainwreck to win this show so bad. Chris Medina-- I think he's the one with the handicapped fiancee, maybe? I missed all the sob stories that aired though all of January. Carson Higgins--has weird hair and is a surfer. And apparently incited RANDY JACKSON to say "that blonde dude is crazy" during Group Night. Dude, if Randy thinks you're crazy? Dial it back. LMAO okay, both these guys are singing "My Prerogative". Remember when Britney covered that shit on one of her albums? Chris has a nice face, but the Polamalu hair isn't working for him.

Commercials are over and we come back to a group of contestants playing instruments. Cute girl playing the piano singing Sara Bareilles. Julia Zorrilla is her name, LOL. Hereafter christened, Julia Gorilla. I'm so original. Stoned looking guy playing guitar is Caleb Hawley. Sorry guys, I'm trying to learn names. Colton Dixon has Blake-ish hair and plays piano and sings Daughtry. Okay, Shaun White/Carrot Top's name is Brett Lowenstern. Robbie Rosen is 16 and has Uncle Jesse hair circa like, 1989. And kind of looks like Andy Samberg about the face when he sings.

Casey Abrams plays weird instruments and looks like Seth Rogen. Also I can't type his name without thinking of Vanessa Abrams. He looks like your music teacher from elementary school and his occupation is "works at film camp"--huh? Okay, but he can kind of wail. Sorry I ripped on everything about you, Casey! Sick blonde girl who's friends with the girl here with her ex--ex girl is Chelsee, sick girl is Jacqueline. Oh, I guess I didn't need to bother learning her name, since she bailed. Chelsee kind of sucks and is dressed like a PTA mom. And, fast forward.

Lauren Alaina is the one I said is dressed in an outfit that was my "costume" when we went to see the Legwarmers play (an 80's cover band). Wow, she's only 15? She looks way older. Don't grow up too fast, sweetie. Of course, Idol will probably age her in ways we never thought possible. Up next is Jacob Lusk. Wow, he's kind of awesome a little bit. A little over the top, but dayum. The judges and audience all go apeshit, and Jacob had some kind of religious experience at the end of his performance.

John Wayne Schultz--cowboy. Zzzz. Very bland. Oh God, Ashley Sullivan needs about a fistful of downers and to maybe not be auditioning for this show. OMG, there's a "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul"??? LMAO. Brenna, how do neither of us own this book?? Very crappy rendition of "Everything" by Buble. Come on Ashley, just give it up.

Break's over--montage of three young guys. Stefano Langone--cruise ship. Jovany Barretto--poor man's Enrique/Marc Anthony. Jacee Badeaux--I think I automatically love him because he got dicked over by Hipster Glasses. He will so get eaten alive by this show, though. Probably better if he just gets cut now.

Scotty McCreary--weird deep Johnny Cash voice. I can't get behind that, sorry, guys. Wow, and he totally biffs the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance." See ya, Scotty. LMAO the subtitles of what he was actually singing, that was hilarious. Tatynisa Wilson also jacks up the lyrics pretty bad, and I hope she gets cut because her name is annoying to type. I wish the editors would always do subtitles of effed up lyrics.

Montage of judges' deliberations, and the splitting of the group into four rooms. Dammit. I wish this was the chair so bad. Room One has crazy Ashley, Shaun White and Jacee Badeaux. They're all through. Casey Abrams, Lauren Alaina and some other peeps are in that room too. Room Two has people I don't know. Room Three has Chelsee Oaks and other randoms. Room Two gets cut. Steven Tyler delivers bad new in kind of a shitty way. I prefer Simon's "It's the end of the line." Room Three gets cut too. Room Four has crazy sweater Thia and Ashthon Jones among others. They're all through.

Next week, the judges "up the ante" and give the contestants 24 hours to learn a song, and then something else happens that I don't know because my DVR cuts off. SERIOUSLY, Idol, the show isn't even live yet and you're still running over time. FAIL.

We're baaaaaaack.

We tried to quit, we really did. But the allure of GROUP NIGHT was just too much. And you missed us. You know you did. So, without further adieu, this... is My Spirit Has Been Broken.

The producers throw some chaos into the field early. Apparently there was a day 1 and day 2 of auditions, and day 1 people tried to get started early, but then producers told them the groups had to be a mixture of 1s and 2s. Everyone freaks out and practically cries already that they don't have any 2s, and then this chick from New Jersey whose bra I can see and is apparently a professional choreographer can't find a group. At one point she is on her knees singing in front of this guy, guy walks away and calls her crazy, and you know the cameramen are loving this shit. She finds a group with a Shawn White lookalike, recruits a girl away from that group, then the Shawn White group tries to recruit the guy who called the crazy New Jersey girl away from his group, and holy shit, I have a headache already. I need a flow chart. At one point, New Jersey girl (let's call her Snooki from now on) is actually SINGING on the microphone to try to recruit people to her group. For the love of Seacrest, I have missed this desperation. :)

Next we showcase this girl named Ashley who was a crying, emotional mess during most of auditions. So, yeah, she's crying tonight. Snooki still can't find a third member for their group, so the producers finally tell she can be a duet. There is a group called Brothers From Another Mother, who is kind of awesome, because they're practicing in the men's restroom. A group full of teenagers has their mothers there "watching," and by "watching" I mean "living out their childhood dreams through being overbearing stage mother."

One thing Idol has never really done is relationships. Guess what, folks. This year we have it! The group Three's Company has an ex-girlfriend and boyfriend, along with some chick whose boyfriend was already cut. The exes don't really speak, and the ex-boyfriend says he's screwed because the ex-girlfriend is calling the shots. Um, dude? You could have joined another group. Crying Girl quits her group and wants to go home and is a general disaster. The other girls in her group are not impressed.

OUCH. One of the groups actually CUT one of their members. What the hell, that's terrible. I hope the dbag in the hipster glasses gets his ass cut for that one. And in another group, another dbag voluntarily switched groups. Crying Girl decides she's back in (of course) and rejoins her group at 2:30am. The Shawn White group is still looking for another member, and the guy who got cut joins the group, and the one girl basically says "PRAISE JESUS WE FOUND ANOTHER MAN."

Finally, it's morning, and every group is exhausted, and most are pissed off. JLo appears to have a CinnaBun on her head, and I just don't even know what to say about Steven Tyler just yet. Our first group does a easy listening version of Grenade, which I don't like much, even though I guess they're good. I want to see train wrecks. We might get one, because now we have 4+1, which is the group the guy who quit his group joined. (I really need to learn names.) JLo likes them, they all make it through, and his old group is pissed. His new group is so over him. But you know what? His old group? They're kind of awesome, and they all get through.

Snooki and the poor girl she's singing with take the stage. JLo says "OMG, you guys, I am so scared of this group." +1 for JLo. I think Snooki raided the actual Snooki's closet, because she is wearing a leopard jumpsuit thing leaving very little to the imagination, and the other girl is dressed like a stripper from Staten Island, and man, it is baaaaaaad. Snooki and the stripper are going home. (In other news, Snooki and the Strippers would be a fantastic name for a band.)

The following things happen next: A member of the group Spanglish oversleeps, and another member salsa dances on stage for no apparent reason. Steven Tyler forgets what he is doing. A girl from Ohio does a disgusting trick where she pulls a spaghetti noodle through her nose. Spaghetti Noodle Group puts Steven Tyler on stage and sings to him. JLo makes some brilliant facial expressions. Lots of people I didn't care about get cut.

It's now time for Crying Girl's group, and OMG, they're singing Hit 'Em Up Style. GREAT SONG CHOICE. And they're actually pretty good. Awesome harmonies, and they all make it through. The Stage Mom Group absolutely nails Somebody to Love, and somewhere, Lea Michele cries a little. Another group nails Get Ready, a capella at that. Way too many groups are singing Forget You, so by what seems like the fifteenth one, I start to zone out.

We're now up to the Shawn White group. The kid who got kicked out of his first group gets through, along with everyone else, and I kind of get teary, while my roommate's boyfriend says, "Wow, Seacrest is such a douche." Ha. Hipster Glasses Group is up next. Even though I really want to punch Hipster Glasses Guy (whose job is "host at karaoke bar," by the way), they're all pretty good.

And finally, Three's Company, the group with the bickering exes, as the 850th group singing Forget You. It. is. bad. The ex-boyfriend goes home, the ex-girlfriend is annoying, and I'm exhausted, because jumping into a two-hour group night cold turkey is hard work.

So there you go. Not sure on JLo & Steven Tyler yet, I miss Simon, but I just can't stay away as hard as I try. Should be an interesting season. :)