I feel ripped off

Hey guys! So excited to be back blogging our favorite trainwreck of a show! Before I get into last night's ep, I need to ask for some leniency. In case you don't know me in real life or from Facebook or Twitter, I had a baby last October. And while I'm not planning on mentioning my son in all my blog posts, because that would just be annoying, there are times when the Lindsay-designated eps of Idol may not be blogged immediately due to a multitude of infant-related issues. Last night was one of those times, so apologies for the lateness of this post!

So I felt totally jacked when I started watching this, because in my head, after Group Night comes THE CHAIR. But apparently, I forgot about the other step in this hateful process, which is the additional solos, then the whole dividing into rooms thing. I'm bitter. Anyway, let's get started. Last night was the awesomeness of Group Night, where we witnessed spectacular meltdowns and Brenna and I tried to get to know this year's crop of crazies. Literally the only person's name I know right now is Ashley, the one with the crazy eyes who tried to quit.

We're down to 100 exhausted souls. Montage of people waking up, primping, eating, filler, filler, filler. First up is Haley "in need of some Infusium" Reinhart. I can't decide if I covet or hate her shoes. Her face is annoying though. I don't like her. Her voice is some sort of mashup of like Joss Stone and someone else. Ashthon Jones has amazing hair and one too many H's in her first name. Oh, "And I Am Telling You." She sounds pretty great though, if a little generic. Her body is slammin', though. Thia Megia is wearing a sweater that looks like it was designed by a kindergarten on acid and sounds pretty awesome. I don't remember any of these people from Group Night.

After the break, we get a montage of contestants effing up, which is always fun. Oh, and blaming the band too, nice. Hey assholes? Have you seen this show? DON'T BLAME THE BAND. Oh god, I hate Frances Coontz. She has stupid Drew Carey glasses on and is freaking singing "Hey Soul Sister"--WHY?? That song really needs to go away, I can't believe it won a Grammy. Up next is the guy Brenna christened "Hipster Glasses", whose real name is Clint Jun Gamboa. He has another pair of annoying glasses on tonight. He also is an asshole and kicked that chubby teenager out of his group. Eff you, Clint.

Clint is still the only person I recognize from Wednesday night. Montage of interchangable blonde girls singing bluesy songs. I'm tired of bluesy girls. I would love a Ke$ha-like trainwreck to win this show so bad. Chris Medina-- I think he's the one with the handicapped fiancee, maybe? I missed all the sob stories that aired though all of January. Carson Higgins--has weird hair and is a surfer. And apparently incited RANDY JACKSON to say "that blonde dude is crazy" during Group Night. Dude, if Randy thinks you're crazy? Dial it back. LMAO okay, both these guys are singing "My Prerogative". Remember when Britney covered that shit on one of her albums? Chris has a nice face, but the Polamalu hair isn't working for him.

Commercials are over and we come back to a group of contestants playing instruments. Cute girl playing the piano singing Sara Bareilles. Julia Zorrilla is her name, LOL. Hereafter christened, Julia Gorilla. I'm so original. Stoned looking guy playing guitar is Caleb Hawley. Sorry guys, I'm trying to learn names. Colton Dixon has Blake-ish hair and plays piano and sings Daughtry. Okay, Shaun White/Carrot Top's name is Brett Lowenstern. Robbie Rosen is 16 and has Uncle Jesse hair circa like, 1989. And kind of looks like Andy Samberg about the face when he sings.

Casey Abrams plays weird instruments and looks like Seth Rogen. Also I can't type his name without thinking of Vanessa Abrams. He looks like your music teacher from elementary school and his occupation is "works at film camp"--huh? Okay, but he can kind of wail. Sorry I ripped on everything about you, Casey! Sick blonde girl who's friends with the girl here with her ex--ex girl is Chelsee, sick girl is Jacqueline. Oh, I guess I didn't need to bother learning her name, since she bailed. Chelsee kind of sucks and is dressed like a PTA mom. And, fast forward.

Lauren Alaina is the one I said is dressed in an outfit that was my "costume" when we went to see the Legwarmers play (an 80's cover band). Wow, she's only 15? She looks way older. Don't grow up too fast, sweetie. Of course, Idol will probably age her in ways we never thought possible. Up next is Jacob Lusk. Wow, he's kind of awesome a little bit. A little over the top, but dayum. The judges and audience all go apeshit, and Jacob had some kind of religious experience at the end of his performance.

John Wayne Schultz--cowboy. Zzzz. Very bland. Oh God, Ashley Sullivan needs about a fistful of downers and to maybe not be auditioning for this show. OMG, there's a "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul"??? LMAO. Brenna, how do neither of us own this book?? Very crappy rendition of "Everything" by Buble. Come on Ashley, just give it up.

Break's over--montage of three young guys. Stefano Langone--cruise ship. Jovany Barretto--poor man's Enrique/Marc Anthony. Jacee Badeaux--I think I automatically love him because he got dicked over by Hipster Glasses. He will so get eaten alive by this show, though. Probably better if he just gets cut now.

Scotty McCreary--weird deep Johnny Cash voice. I can't get behind that, sorry, guys. Wow, and he totally biffs the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance." See ya, Scotty. LMAO the subtitles of what he was actually singing, that was hilarious. Tatynisa Wilson also jacks up the lyrics pretty bad, and I hope she gets cut because her name is annoying to type. I wish the editors would always do subtitles of effed up lyrics.

Montage of judges' deliberations, and the splitting of the group into four rooms. Dammit. I wish this was the chair so bad. Room One has crazy Ashley, Shaun White and Jacee Badeaux. They're all through. Casey Abrams, Lauren Alaina and some other peeps are in that room too. Room Two has people I don't know. Room Three has Chelsee Oaks and other randoms. Room Two gets cut. Steven Tyler delivers bad new in kind of a shitty way. I prefer Simon's "It's the end of the line." Room Three gets cut too. Room Four has crazy sweater Thia and Ashthon Jones among others. They're all through.

Next week, the judges "up the ante" and give the contestants 24 hours to learn a song, and then something else happens that I don't know because my DVR cuts off. SERIOUSLY, Idol, the show isn't even live yet and you're still running over time. FAIL.