MSHBB Exclusive Cookster CD Review

If you had said to me in February, "Brenna, on November 18, you will wake up early to download David Cook's debut CD to your iPod," I would have laughed. "David Cook?" I'd say. "He of the pervy bangs and staring in girls' windows and doing crossword puzzles? That David Cook?" Oh, how much has changed in the last 10 months. We have a new president. The Pens were thisclose to hoisting the Cup. Ben Roethlisberger keeps throwing interceptions.... ok, maybe not everything has changed. But I'm living in Patriots country, while Lindsay has taken up residence in NoVa. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, MSHBB somehow became Cookster biggest fans #1 and 2 sometime around the Great Haircut of Dolly Parton Week.

So, in a MSHBB exclusive mid-November reprise, here's my track-by-track review of "David Cook," by, yes, David Cook...

Declaration - A good mid-tempo rocker. It's a good opener - catchy chorus that's easy to sing along to, lyrics about being his inspiration, you know, all the stuff that makes girls like us swoon.

Heroes - More Cookster belting. It's going to be a trend on this album. On first listen, it's certainly not one of my favorites. Next.

Light On - I wasn't a huge fan of this one when it was first released. It's grown on me, perhaps due in part to the guylinered, guitar-playing hotness he is in the video. I still think the lyrics are mildly stupid, but that bridge/soft reprise of the chorus gets me every time.

Come Back To Me - Another song about a relationship on the rocks. Cookster, is there something we should know? Anyways... you remember how Paula said "Always Be My Baby" should be on a movie soundtrack? I feel the same way about this song. I imagine this being played in that pivotal scene in one of those romantic comedies staring Julia Stiles that was so popular in the early 2000s. It's a sweet song, but I don't feel like there's anything really special about it.

Life On The Moon - This is the first song on the album that I loved upon first listen. It's a power ballad with big guitar chords and a slow build and the Cookster's delicious voice singing over it all. Lyrics are kind of corny, but I'm enjoying it.

Bar-ba-sol - Aaaaaaaand, Cookster finally rocks out. It's part bluesy, part rocky, and 100% awesome. I can't wait to hear this one in concert.

Mr. Sensitive - More belting. I worry sometimes for his vocal chords. Regardless, this is another good mid-tempo song, along the lines of Declaration. He's got a flair for the dramatic, that's for sure. I can already imagine his show involving lots of bright lights and fog machines (watch out, Archuleta and your river of fog!).

Lie - It's no coincidence that my favorite performances of his were "Hello," "Billie Jean," and "Always Be My Baby." I want Cookster to serenade me with power ballads like this one. But seriously... "Lie to me and tell me that it's gonna be all right... lie to me and tell me that we'll make it through the night..." Is he trying to break my heart? He's doing a pretty good job, if so. Maybe things aren't going so swimmingly with K-Caldwell after all. ;) Also, I get a mental image of a "So You Think You Can Dance" waltz. It could work.

I Did It For You - This one is average. It sort of sounds like the songs before it - mid-tempo again. Cookster belting. Nothing too special.

Avalanche - Sense a trend here? Another mid-tempo song, with big guitars and belting. I get images of a movie scene again. I'm starting to think he's just good at that type of song. Imagine, guys, that Paula actually gave a critique that was both sensical and accurate. Stranger things have happened.

Permanent - Ooooooooh, the wait is well worth it for this one. Piano, strings, and Cookster singing about his brother. It's just beautiful. That sound you hear? That's me falling into my puddle of drool.

A Daily AntheM - It's a song that has a "Whoooooaaaaa" chorus that Lindsay & I will obnoxiously sing along with if we ever get to see Cookster in person again. Is that enough? :)

All in all, I think it's a solid debut. It's far from perfect, but really, who other than Daughtry got it right on the first try? Kelly really hit her stride on her second CD, and I'm looking forward even more to see what happens when the Cookster is a little farther away from the ever vigilant Idol eye. If you just want a taste, download "Bar-ba-sol," "Lie," "Declaration," and "Permanent."

Archuleta also released an album this month, but out of principle, we will not be reviewing it. That song he's got on the radio is obnoxious, and besides, the CD probably has pre-teen girls screaming along with every track and Daddy Archuleta voicing his approval. Also, in what has to be a sign that the apocalypse is near, KLC also has a single on the Billboard charts.

We'll be back in January for a new crop of Idol rejects! Until then, happy holidays!

Videographic evidence

The screaming and/or singing along you occasionally hear is the voice of MSHBB.

The end of a sports movie? Or Michael Johns? You decide. (Side note: Please don't take this as an accurate sampling of Brenna's singing. I swear, I'm much better for that. You'll see that next season.)

Cookster doing "Hello." I wish like hell I'd recorded the entire song, because I'm mildly obsessed with it now, and I can't watch the video of when he did it on the show because he still had perverted hair.

Cookster doing "Billie Jean." See above re: perverted hair. Seriously, Cookster, why didn't you get a hair cut before the show started? We'd have a much more solid relationship if you had.

Spotted: MSHBB in a puddle of drool at the Verizon Center.

Hello, friends. After a two and a half month hiatus, MSHBB is back for one night only. At least until February 2009. Or something like that. When we last left you, the right person had just been crowned American Idol. Bren was blogging hours of craptastic footage, and I was eating pizza and gelato in the place where everyone should eat pizza and gelato at least once before they die. Good times. And now fast forward to August, and Bren and I were fortunate to be able to see this year's top 10 Idols live and in person in DC, before Bren makes the BIG MOVE to Patriots country.

For starters, we had AWESOME seats. We were in one of the side sections closest to the stage, in row G, which is eight rows back from the floor seats. We had a perfect view of everything...including the GIANT Pop Tart that was scurrying about as part of its contractual obligation, as the tour was freakin' sponsored by Pop Tarts. Which is like, the weirdest thing ever. Why the hell wouldn't Coke sponsor it? Or iTunes? Or any of the other products shoved in our face during this season?

So we are forced to sit through some awful crowd warmup by a third-rate Seacrest. I seriously couldn't even tell you what he said because I think we snarked through the whole thing. I think the people in front of us hated us so bad before the first Idol even came out. Bren and I can tell we're doomed when the screaming during the mere flashing of Archuleta's picture is more deafening than we can bear.

Chikezie is up first, and for serious you guys, he got eliminated way. Too. Soon. He came out totally energized and had a blast, and sounded great. He did three songs, one of them being Usher's "Caught Up" and he was awesome. He was also wearing a velvet blazer, which was so not appropriate for DC in August, but he rocked it. More Chikezie! No! Don't bring out Ramiele....

And here she is. In a getup that is wildly awesome and striptastic. You just need to see it for yourself:Right? Awesome, yet hideous. Anyway, Ramiele was one of the ones that I was over the second she made it into the top 12, but she was really good during the show. In fact, that was pretty much the theme of the night--everyone sang about 10 times better than they ever did on the show. It must be a hell of a lot easier once the pressure's off, you know? She does a couple of numbers, which I can't really remember...I think one of them was that Rihanna/Maroon 5 number that's popular right now. But we didn't hate her.

At this point, I am 1/4 of the way through my pillow-sized $4 bag of popcorn. I wanted chips with my hot dog, but the chips only came with the kid's meal and you had to get a drink with the kid's meal too and I already paid $7 for a beer, so I said F it and got the popcorn. When the guy brought it to me, I laughed at him, then paid for it. I'm dumb.

Bren and I are on our feet next, because it's Michael F'ing Johns, aka Aughtry, aka Chuck Bass. We nearly explode with delight at the sight that he is INDEED wearing a Chuck Bass scarf. Right now, we're pretty sure everyone around us hates us, because I think we're the only ones standing up. He sings all our favorite numbers from the show--the Queen medley, the Dolly Parton song that was sex on a stick, and "Dream On"--talk about getting the crowd going...

Only to be brought back down by the appearance of Kristy Lee. God. We debated if we wanted to take our bathroom/beer break at this point, or just suck it up and wait until intermission. We sucked it up. And how. I am not pleased to report that she again pulled out all the stops and did a big ol' USA-themed number to "God Bless the USA", complete with a neon flag. God.

And I have to sidebar for a minute. So we're on the Metro ride home, and we somehow managed to get on at the same time as this toolbox kid and I guess his mom? Aunt? I don't know. And they were the kind of people who are really loud, know it all talkers. I mean, I'm loud too, but not on public transportation. So at one point on the ride, the lady, loudly, asks the tool what his favorite number was, and she says her favorite was "God Bless the USA"--to which the tool loudly announces practically to the whole Metro that he loved that number too, and it gave him the chills. Bren and I barely made it off at our stop before we just busted out laughing. I'm sorry, but Jesus. I'm just as patriotic as the next person--my husband is a U.S. soldier, for Pete's sake--but the toolishness of this guy was just too much, to be combined with the fact that his FAVORITE number, out of the 30+ songs we heard was THAT number....we just lost it.

Ahem. OK, sorry for the derailment there. So up next was Carly, who looked AMAZING and sounded fantastic. The crowd really went nuts for her, which made me happy, because she just seemed so desperately to want to do this, and I'm glad she got the ovation she deserved. She reprised "Crazy On You" by Heart from the season, and also opened her set with a bang with "Bring Me to Life", which ROCKED. Good on you, Carly.

It was at this point that I got the giggles. It was the thought combination of what would happen when Archuleta came out combined with the idea of Jason Castro (crowned Weedy McPotbrownie) having to address the crowd in any way. Bren, I'm sorry if you thought at any point that I was having a mental episode.

So here comes Brooke! Rising out of the floor! Sitting at the piano! Woo! She starts off with "Let it Be", which is just as good if not better than she did on the show. She abandons the piano for her second number, to our terror--we all remember what Brooke's like without an instrument, right?--but she grabs a guitar and launches into an adorable rendition of "1234" by Feist. How cute would she have been had she done this on the show? We love you, Brooke! Thanks for not cracking on stage tonight!

So we're sure at this point it's about to be Weedy McPotbrownie. So Bren decides to make a bathroom run, thinking that by the time she got back, we'd all have been asleep from Jason's set. Do you guys want to guess what she missed? If you said "another advertisement for Idol Gives F'ing Back, complete with a U2 song sung by the six Idols who just performed", you'd be absolutely right. The only good thing that distracted me from the pictures of sad kids on the giant screen (seriously, I appreciate what they're doing, but man, I didn't come to the show to get all sad and depressed about the problems in our world) was the fact that Michael AND Carly sang together in the number, and Michael had shed his jacket to give us a better look at his Chuck Bass scarf. Aaaaaand, it's intermission.

Damn, I can't believe how long this blog is already and I haven't even gotten to the Cookster yet.

So after intermission, here comes Jason. And man, guys, his welcome in DC was INSANE. IN. SANE. The cougar next to us and her teenager daughter went apeshit when he came out. Bren and I were seriously bewildered. I just didn't think he had that kind of following I guess. We deemed his popularity in DC the biggest surprise of the night. LOL. He busted out the ukelele for "Over the Rainbow" and did a sleepy remix of "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I forget what his third song was, but we had kind of wished it was "Hallelujah"--no dice though.

After an awkward intro by Weedy, out busts Syesha. And damn, all we can say is FIERCE. She is rocking an amazing hairdo and a dress that I could only wish I could pull off. She comes out singing "Umbrella", transitions into Alicia Keys "If I Ain't Got You" and finishes with a showstopping number from Dreamgirls. Go Syesha! We would totally buy her album, we decided.

Sigh. Here we go. Bren and I literally brace ourselves against each other for the onslaught we KNOW is coming with the appearance of Archuleta. And appear he does. To many, MANY screams. Rising from the floor, seated at the piano, like Brooke. What was NOT like Brooke was the cloud of FOG that engulfed him.

I mean, seriously?? FOG? LMAO. No one else got the fog treatment. Cookster better be swinging from ropes from the ceiling or something. He has a nice new haircut, looks more grownup. However, that is canceled out by the shiny red Chuck Taylors he's wearing and also by the sequins and glitter lining the lapels and hem of his jacket. He starts out with "Angels" at the piano, and I don't remember the other numbers he does except he does that awful "Stand By Me/Beautiful Girls" remix he did on the show, which, barf. GET TO COOKSTER ALREADY.

Finally. The main event. You know, I'm happy as hell we didn't have to sit through any horrifically cheesy group numbers, save for the Idol Gives F'ing Back one. I really, really enjoyed this. It was lots of songs that I liked and had heard of, being sung by people who are really talented and love music. Good show.

So Archuleta awkwardly introduces the Cookster, as is his way. Gosh. At which point Bren and I look at each other and without saying a word, are on our feet. HELL YES. Cookster comes out, resplendent in guyliner, and launches into "Hello", which we totally forgot he had done on the show. Awesome, of course. He is totally gracious and awesome with the crowd, too.

I keep yelling "SING BILLIE JEAN", which gets the cougar next to me all riled up, so she starts yelling it too. Yikes. I just kept doing it at that point to get her going. The rest of his set includes "Time of My Life" also known as his coronation song from the finale, "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing", "My Hero" and "Billie Jean". Sadly, no "Always Be My Baby", which was pretty much the only slightly disappointing thing about his set. This guy could headline his own tour right now and be totally comfortable. Spotted: Lindsay Beck, first in line to buy David Cook's album.

After Cookster wraps up, we get the obligatory top 10 group number, which HILARIOUSLY is "Don't Stop the Music" by Rihanna. The second that song starts up, I immediately crack up again, because picture it:: Jason Castro mumbling his way through lyrics like "Do you know what you started, I just came here to party, but now we're rocking on the dance floor actin' naughty." Yeah. That's right. So they all come out, line by line, singing the song. Michael Johns and Cookster are basically acting like fools, because really, do you think they can take this number seriously? All in all, it's not bad, and it's the only large group number we have to deal with, so YAY to that.

And there you have it! Totally, 100% worth it. Bren and I had a great time, we sat by mostly fun people, the little girl high-pitched squealing and screaming was pretty much limited to Castro and Archuleta and everyone was 10 times better than they were on the show. Hope you enjoyed our recap--we'll be back in January or February, depending on when we feel like it, haha. Cheers!

Congratulations, America...

You actually got it right for once. You weren't swayed by the judges' endless pimping, or the bright shiny objects, or a few early weeks of really terrible hair. This year's Idol actually deserved the prize.

I've said it several times throughout this blog, but I'm not sure when I decided I didn't hate the Cookster anymore. I don't know when he went from creepy, greasy, might be staring in your window guy to polished, courteous, well-spoken, good-looking, amazing performer guy. I'm glad he did, though, and I'm glad he won this whole darn thing.

I watched the finale with Meredith, my hubby, and a bottle of wine, and wanted to enjoy the whole thing without taking notes. Well, "enjoy" turned out to be a rather strong word, and I don't know if I can sit through that all again, so I'm relying on my memory (albeit with a few glasses of wine) and recaps that are much funnier than mine that I won't link to here but you can probably find if you look hard enough.

And we're off. Ryan, blah blah blah, a gazillion votes. Dumbass Matt Rogers (I really didn't like him in his year, sorry dudes) and Idol Madness contestant Mikaleh Gordon are reporting from the Davids' hometowns. Wow, this is completely unnecessary. Remember this when your DVRs cut off at 10:00 and the show is still going.

So… the top 12!!! Ten of which we'll see on tour in a few months!! Oh David Hernandez and Chikezie, you were taken from us too soon. KLC is looking as trashy as ever. Hey, it looks like Carly/Brooke/Michael are actually having fun again!!! Amanda Overmeyer is decidedly not. Wow, seriously, get her off the stage. She looks miserable. Syesha is working it. Cookster looks like he's laid back & having fun. Archuleta looks like he's going to vomit. (Again.)

The Davids sing that song from that "Superman" movie that I hate because it's sung by that guy from Nickelback that I hate. Boo.

Ok, "The Love Guru." Let's pause for a moment. About six months ago, I was really excited for this movie because it combined Mike Myers, Justin Timberlake, and hockey. However, the commercials have made me realize the movie looks painful and even if Sidney Crosby was costarring, I still wouldn't see it. That said, Mike Myers saying "Mariska Hargitay" over & over again cracked me up. Anyone else? Anyone? Bueller? Maybe it was the wine? Ok, next.

Syesha & Seal! Nothing left to say. Jason reprising "Hallelujah!" If I wanted to hear this again, I'd get it on iTunes.

FORD! Commercial featuring outtakes from previous commercials. I care less about them now than I did eight weeks ago. The Davids (especially Cookster) are especially excited to win a car. Like they don't give the final two a car every year.

The top six ladies come out to a Donna Summer medley. Amanda still looks like she's going to murder KLC. Carly is kind of kicking ass. So is Syesha, who gets to sing with Ms. Summer herself when she is led onstage by some men like she is the freaking Queen of England or something.

Carly & Michael sing a jazzed out version of "The Letter." While I'm not a particularly huge fan of the arrangement, I have to concede two things: 1. If Carly had performed with this much fun reckless abandon all season, maybe she would've stayed longer. 2. Michael kind of rocks, and I really can't wait to see him on tour.

The boys take the stage to sing "Summer of '69." Damn, I love this song. Hey, look it's Bryan Adams! If anyone but my hubby and six other people in the world watched "How I Met Your Mother," I'd make a great joke here.

Jordin saying something about an American Idol ride at Disney World? Or maybe it's a shooting gallery where you can take aim at past contestants? You know the Sanjaya target would be worn out in no time.

The Cookster takes the stage to rock with ZZ Top. Remember a few years back when Chris sang with Live and even then we all kind of thought they were outdated? Well, apparently Idol is still paying for the Beatles songbook and can't afford any current, relevant performers this year. Even performers from the 90's are too expensive. Yes, ZZ Top is kind of awesome, but really. My biggest gripe with this whole season has been the complete and total lack of anything contemporary, and just before we throw the Cookster out into the wild of the music biz, we let him be tutored by ZZ Top?

Next Brooke sings "Teach the Children Well" with Graham Nash, and all I can think of is Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute. And guys, I spent about 20 minutes last night looking for that video and couldn't find it anywhere. Seriously, it doesn't exist.

I fast forward through the Jonas Brothers.

Next we have a short recap of this year's most awful memorable auditions. Hey, at least it's not the Golden Idols again. That guy who sang "Go Down Moses" was awesome. We are reminded of the "I Am Your Brother" guy, and wow, there is he again! In that same crazy outfit! With the USC Marching Band!!! WTF?!?! This is the most amazingly awful thing Idol may have ever done. (Except for, perhaps, William Hung's CD.) OMG, Paula and Randy are going on stage. Paula is doing that same dance move she always does. Wow. This merits a link to the video so we can all watch it again.

After that debacle, Archuleta sings "Apologize" with OneRepublic, whose lead singer looks suspiciously like Giovanni Ribisi. Archuleta actually does pretty well. Why couldn't he have sung this on the show instead of Chris Brown?! Last year's Idol Jordin sings a pretty bad song in a really bad dress. Wow, girl. Gold lame just doesn't do it for ANYONE. Blake is super cute singing along with her in the audience. Go Blake. Your CD was underrated and under-promoted.

I should hate the next movie pimping adventure, this one featuring Ben Stiller, Jack Black, & Robert Downey Jr. as the Pips, but I don't, because it's Robert freaking Downey Jr., and I love him.

Carrie Underwood makes what feels like her 800th appearance on this season and sings a song I don't pay attention to in an outfit I can't even begin to describe. So I don't. I let the Fug girls do that.

The top 12 are back again - OMG, will this show ever end?!?! - to sing outdated medley #4 of the evening. And woo, the biggest star this show - THE BIGGEST SHOW ON TV - could attract is George Michael. Which is awesome... if you're living in 1986. We, however, are not. We are in 2008. We are in the era of Justin Timberlake and Beyonce and Fall Out Boy. (I never said music was better. Just different.) And instead of saying "wow, what awesome performances!" I'm sitting here thinking "did Uncle Nigel not try, or did they turn him down?" Memo to Idol 2009: save some of your money from IGFB and spend it on the finale. I want the ladies singing with Madonna up there.

Usual rambling & killing time by Ryan & the judges. (Seriously, it's almost 10:00 at this point. This shit is why my mom frantically called me last year because their DVR cut off BEFORE Ryan even announced Jordin as the winner. FOX, get it together.) Simon apologizes to the Cookster for being too hard on him. My immediate thought at this point is, Cookster won and Simon is trying to save face.

Turns out I'm right, as Seacrest FINALLY reveals that our season 7 winner is David Cook, and the dude totally breaks down. Cookster Mom and Cookster Brother are on stage, everyone is going crazy, and then I realize, this is why I watch this damn show. If Archuleta had won, I probably would've sworn it off forever, but the Cookster winning makes devoting entirely too much time during the last 19 weeks of my life to this show somehow seem somewhat worth it. Until next January, when I'm cursing at my TV all over again.

Don't go away, dear faithful readers. We have the long awaited completion of our Idol Madness poll. We're contemplating recapping "So You Think You Can Dance." And, on August 14, we'll be at the Idols concert in DC, taking beer breaks everytime KLC is on stage. And in the meantime, I leave you with this juicy tidbit and bid you good night!

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COOKSTER WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, quite the upset. I'm shocked. A full recap will come most likely Friday, but till then, I'll leave you with some of my favorite moments from the show:

• Seeing David Hernandez again. Boy got voted off entirely too early.
• "Mariska Hargitay"
• Bedazzled microphones.
• "I Am Your Brother." That shit will never get old.
• Jack Black, Ben Stiller, & Robert Downey Jr. Particularly Robert Downey Jr.
• Cookster and his guyliner and his playoff beard being crowned American Idol.
• Daddy Archuleta trying to be happy.

Full recap to come. Good tidings, all, and good night!

Tonight, on "Idol": Songs from the "Rocky" Soundtrack

Well, here we are. After months of performances both "in the zone, dawg" and "a little pitchy," "shocking" departures, and countless crazy Paula moments, we have arrived at the season 7 finale. There's an elaborate opening likening the Davids to heavyweight boxers, complete with robes and gloves and … God, this is going on for far too long. Can we get this started already?

Whoa, Luke Perry! Luke! Why aren't you on the 90210 spinoff?

Ok, so we have the Davids, Seacrest, the judges (is it me, or is Randy wearing a candy bracelet?), and another overly long segment on just how much this whole contest means. Cuz really, we don't know. Not like we've been watching this damn show for seven years or anything. There's the usual "THIS IS WHERE YOU COULD GO!!!" montage, and I swear they show Chris Daughtry. Um… does anyone remember that Chris didn't actually win? Apparently the producers are trying to forget about Taylor Hicks as much as we are. Either that, or they're subliminally trying to calm down the Cookster's fans by reminding us that all will still be ok when he doesn't win.

Seriously, enough with the boxing theme. We are told "Round One" is Clive Davis's choice. I wasn't aware Clive Davis was still alive. I'm not totally convinced this isn't a wax figure talking to us. Clive tells us the Cookster will be singing a song that represents "the yearning of a generation," aka "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Not the U2 song I would've chosen – that would've been "With or Without You," because, you know, I think about these things – but he does pretty well anyways. My hubby and I agree that Cookster would've been better off starting the show with "Paradise City." Oh well, a girl can dream.

C-Davis chooses "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" for Archuleta. (Is the theme of this round "Longest Song Titles Ever," or what?) Clearly they are trying to mold Archuleta into the next Clay Aiken. It sounds exactly the same as every song Archuleta has ever or will ever sing, but the judges are seriously pimping him. Wow, way to be subtle, Uncle Nigel.

Next the Davids get to pick songs from the crappy song contest. Yippee. Cook sings a terrible song called "Dream Big." It's actually better than most of the crap we see on the finale show, but it still blows. He does what he can with it, not much else to say. We get a priceless quote from Paula – something about "a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand" – and we're on to the next awful song.

Archuleta picks an even more terrible song called "In This Moment." I suppose he sounds good, but he's got these sappy unicorn puppy ballads down by now. More pimping by the judges. Wow. This is out of control tonight. Archuleta seriously looks like he's going to pass out.

Constantine alert! Excuse me while I go shower.

To kick off "Round Three," Cook sings "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. Anyone under the age of 20 (that is, anyone who votes) collectively goes "huh?" And hey, he's wearing a vest and a tie and looking quite dapper. Wow, I know Lindsay mentioned it last week, but hats off to the Idol stylists. Best makeover in years. Anyways, he starts off acoustic, and I wish he'd stayed that way. He actually sounds very good, but as your last Idol performance, it leaves a lot to be desired. Another great Paula quote – "standing in your truth." The script writers are working overtime tonight!!! Simon suggests he should've done "Billie Jean" or another song he'd already done, and Cookster respectfully disagrees. Good for you, Cookster. Despite what the judges seem to believe, we do not have a short term memory, and I think he does well by not repeating one of his earlier songs.

Archuleta apparently doesn't get that memo, and he repeats "Imagine." It sounds good, but as usual he puts me half to sleep, while somewhere in Europe, Lindsay is crying at this moment and doesn't know why. Eh. And with that, the competition is over.

So who will get to sing "A Moment Like This Now Inside Your Heaven" tomorrow night? Well, let's put it this way. Who should win? Cook, hands down. He was consistently the best performer on the show, he took risks, he's contemporary (to use one of Simon's favorite words), he can legally buy a beer, he remembers his lyrics, he's grown throughout the competition, he's going to release a blockbuster album a few months from now, and the look on Daddy Archuleta's face would be priceless. Who will win? Archuleta, for several reasons. A) Who actually votes week after week? Teenage girls. Who makes up Archuleta's fan base? Teenage girls. B) Like Blake before him, Cook just isn't cut out for the sappy victory ballad, and usually whoever pulls off that POS takes home the prize. C) Because I like Cook and want him to win. My favorite never wins.

I'll be back later in the week sometime to recap tomorrow's finale extravaganza. It's entirely too much to do in one night. Till then, cheers!

Let the Battle of the Davids begin

Entertainment Weekly is beginning the battle a little early, with this David v. David weekly match-up poll. Looking back at week 1's "Happy Together," I'm pretty sure that's when we decided the Cookster was this year's Constantine, only to finally be convinced by the "Billie Jean" cover of Year You Were Born week and the Great Haircut of Dolly Parton Week. That said, his cover of "All Right Now" in week 2 of the semifinals was kind of kick ass in retrospect.

See ya, Syesha

56 million people voted on Tuesday night to create the most anticlimactic final two in this show's history. THIS...is American Idol.

Hey, there's Gramps! And KLC! And Andrew Lloyd Weber, geez. Why are they jamming all these people into the seats for the announcement of the final two? Randy's rocking some terrible tinted glasses tonight. Oh God, and apparently Fantasia is here tonight. And I'm watching this live, which means I can't fast forward her. Damn.

The kids come out to sing "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," and I swear Clay and Ruben did a duet of this back on the finale of season two. Syesha apparently didn't get the memo that tonight was going to be her last night on the show as she is rocking some giant white sneakers with her skinny jeans. She does get a pretty big solo in the song and is standing all by herself on the platform behind the judges, so good on them for giving her one last good moment. Hey, there's Chikezie and David H.!

Back from the real commercials and it's this week's FORD! commercial. The song is Los Lonely Boys "Heaven" and the concept is pretty hilarious. Did anyone else notice that little David's "heaven" is apparently the same as Happy Gilmore's happy place? Except there's no Grandma winning any money at the slots or a midget on a unicycle. After a long ass recap of last night, it's time for Fantasia.

Oh my God, WHAT the hayell is this?! Her hair looks like someone molded bright pink PlayDoh on her head, and she is totally wearing a velour jumpsuit covered in rhinestones. Also I swear she's been wearing those braces for like 12 years. Does anyone know what the eff she is even saying? How is this even a song? OMG, Simon's face! HAHAHAHAHA, that was priceless. That just said it all right there, his face was transformed into the classic "WTF" face.

After that debacle, Seacrest brings out little David. We're then treated to video footage of his trip back home to Utah, which goes something like this: cheerleaders, mobs of people crying, little girls screaming, David losing his shit in front of his entire town, Handlebar Mustache back for an encore, and David saying "Gosh!" more than Napolean Dynomite. OMG, and now we don't even find out any results, but we have to watch the video package of David's "journey" through American Idol. Which, you've all been watching the show, you know how it goes.

Now Ryan's bringing out Syesha, for the exact same thing we just watched of David. Syesha's trip home goes like this: mobs of people crying, some woman shoving her baby at Syesha, which is just effing weird, Syesha's dad announcing to America that he's had problems with drugs and alcohol and Syesha's inspired him to stay clean (wtf?), more screaming teenagers who you know are like "Yay Syesha! (I really voted for David Archuleta!)", the 90 year old mayor of her town doing a handstand, and we finish off with Syesha bawling in a limo clutching a snow globe. Yikes.

Last up is the Cookster, who apparently didn't even want to audition for the show. Seacrest brings up his brother Andrew and Andrew tells us the story of how he was the one who actually wanted to audition and he brought David along. The producers apparently ended up making David audition as well, and here we are. You know Andrew's like, way to steal my thunder, dude. Cookster's trip home includes him doing the weather on his local news, people crying and shrieking all over the place, including one girl who looks like she's about collapse and die from the excitement, a trip to see David's music teacher, more people screaming, a baseball game and the Cookster also crying. Man, these are some emotional Idols. Also, I have to say that not since Clay Aiken have we seen a hair makeover this positive and dramatic. Go Idol stylists.

After the commercials and a million hours of the judges jib jabbing, the obvious is stated: the Davids comprise season seven's final two, and Syesha is out. I'm really surprised she lasted this long, and not because I don't think she's talented, but she was one of the biggest fly under the radar contestants. I expected her to go around the time Ramiele did. I like her a lot, but I won't buy her album. Bye Sye!

Well, it all comes down to this. Bren will blog your finale and results next week, because I'm going to Europe and won't even be able to find out who wins this thing until well after it's over. Enjoy your David finale, everyone. Cheers!

How did we get here?

Four months ago, Bren and I were all hyped up for the return of this show. And now, one day away from finding out the final two and one week away from the finale, it's become a one-way ticket to Blahsville. Three songs each tonight--let's rock and roll.

Tonight is the judges' choices/producers' choice/contestant's choice night. Once, I would like Paula to pick "Cold Hearted Snake" for someone. We're treated to video footage of little David with the mayor of his town, who hilariously has a gray handlebar mustache. By the way, if you didn't already think that his dad, Jeff, was a jerk, maybe this will help.

Anyway, Handlebar Mustache reads a letter from Paula, who has chosen "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for David to sing. I said this last week about David and I'll say it again--what is left to say about him? I'm not going to say the kid's not talented, because he is, but everything sounds the same, is predictable and I would not be interested in his record. He does a nice job with the song, but that's about it--it's nice.

Syesha's in a limo, and gets a "text" from "Randy" saying that he's chosen "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Now, here's my problem with this. All season, Syesha's been taking on these big diva numbers, only to be told she coudln't quite measure up to the original. So what does the Dawg do? Gives her a big diva number by an artist he obviously loves and respects. Nice, Randy. She looks amazing tonight, though, in yet another gold dress. She does a pretty good job with the song, too. Somewhere along the way, I found myself sort of rooting for her, even though I wouldn't buy her album either.

The Cookster's in the pimp spot tonight, and his hometown visit shows him on the set of his local news, which I find hilarious. He also gets a "text", this time from "Simon", and he's going to be singing "The First Time I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. Here's something interesting--when I Googled the song title to make sure I got it right, the fourth search item that appeared is a link to You Tube where Leona Lewis is singing this song. Leona Lewis, Simon's protege. Coincidence? Anyway, he says he gave the Cookster this song to challenge him. David's up there with no guitar, just the mike and his voice, and he knocks it out of the park. Aww, how cute is his dad! Simon says round one goes to Cook and Cowell, and I have to agree.

Round two is the contestant's choice round. You have to be shitting me with this--little David picked Chris Brown's "With You"?!? Man, it would have been awesome to hear him do "Kiss Kiss", though. Can anyone out there imagine David Archuleta singing "I need you boo"--and there it is. HAHAHA. This is so hilariously bad. What the hell was he thinking? It sounds like if Clay Aiken tried to do an R&B song. I bet his train of thought went Chris Brown --> Jordin Sparks-->David Archuleta. This is so unauthentic and awkward. I can't tell if the judges agree with me or not because my cable is f'ed up, so let's move on from that to Syesha....

...who's chosen "Fever." Seriously? You get the chance to choose ONE song that defines who you want to be as an artist and you pick the most overdone, old-fashioned song out there? I mean, if she was trying to break the barriers that the judges set for her during Broadway week, this was not the way to go. She sounds decent, but it's all very showy and cabaret and blah. Paula gives a coherent piece of advice for once, saying it didn't show who Syesha is, and Simon tells her he thinks she'll regret it because it was old-fashioned and cabaret. To which I said, word times 12.

The Cookster has chosen "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot for this round. I don't know about this, I like the Cookster best when he changes up arrangements and surprises you, and I don't think there's much he can do with this. I have a feeling it's going to sound a lot like the original...and it does. David is still awesome and I love him, but this was just blah. Um, the best thing about this performance came at the end. Please tell me you all saw those ladies holding that sign that read "Cougars 4 Cook"--HAHAHAHAHA. Those ladies rock my world. David gets the "expected/predictable" treatment and we're zipping into round three.

Producers' choice--Archuleta is up first with "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. LOVE this song, and I loved Dan Fogelberg. RIP, Dan. I won't fast forward through this one because I think this is one of the most beautiful songs written and even though Archuleta is a tool, I know he will sing it well. It's classic David, and it's beautifully done. The producers made a good call with this one. Good job, creepy Uncle Nigel! My cable is skipping all over the place, but I hear Randy trot out his "you could sing the phone book" analogy and Simon says David either did or did not do enough to get to the finals tonight. Stupid Comcast.

OMG, Guarini!!! Yessssss! OK, my cable craps out again and I miss the name and artist of the song Syesha is singing. It seems pretty upbeat though, and I'm glad the producers picked something to get her out of the ballad zone. She looks fly in some skinny jeans and a tank. She looks like she's having fun and she sounds pretty great. Randy tells her it was "just okay" and then we get into some digression about how the song was from the movie "Happy Feet" and Syesha does some sort of penguin walk and I'm officially lost. Simon tells her it was forgettable and she did better with the Sam Cooke last week.

Up in the final slot is the Cookster, doing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. He's surrounded by the orchestra, again just him and the mike. I think this is a lot better than the last round and he's doing the best he could do with the song choice he was assigned. Hey, Diane Warren is actually IN the audience! I wonder what she thought of his version. My cable is effed again and I have no idea what Randy or Paula thought, but Simon apparently liked it, based on the cheers and the look on David's face.

So there you have it, folks: our top three. I know Bren and I would love to see little David get knocked out Melinda Doolittle-style in third place, but we have a feeling we're going to see the David-David finale they've been shoving in our faces all season. Great effort Syesha, but unfortunately, your name is not David, so you will probably be going home tonight. Catch up with us for the results tonight!

Idol Madness: John Stevens vs. Kristy Lee Cook

Well dudes and dudettes, it’s been a long while since we’ve taken a look at our Elite Eight. We apologize for the long delay, but since it’s a ridiculously slow, rainy day here at work, this is the best way I know to kill time. :)

Today’s match-up pits KLC against Big Red, aka John Stevens. Now that the dust is clearing in season 7, I’ve grown to realize that maybe KLC may not have been the worst thing to happen to Idol in 2008. (Clay’s new haircut, Archuleta’s dad, and the self-destruction of Jason Castro are all good candidates.) Watching a few seconds of the performance again, which is all I can stand, makes me realize it’s more humorous than anything now. Yes, it’s still awful, and yes, KLC still stands as the weakest contestant in this year’s top 12. But does it match the massacre on John Stevens that was Latin night in season 3? Doubtful. Watching his performance back again just makes me sad. Sad for him, that he was put through this. Sad for us, that we had to listen. The only saving grace is Simon’s awesome comment that John & Latin music go together like “chocolate ice cream and an onion.” (Notice John nodding in agreement.) We can’t agree more, and we’re sending Big Red to the Final Four!

I fell into a burning ring of fire.

So a few nights ago, I had a dream in which Lindsay & I were either at a Penguins game or the Idol tour - I'm sorry, I can't remember which, but I know I was excited to be there - and sitting next to us were Blake Lewis & Elliott Yamin. This means that obviously at this point in my life, I am dedicating entirely too much time to just two things, only one of which giving me any satisfaction whatsoever (guess which one that is, folks). On to the gaping black hole of my week, the results show. Only good part? Lindsay is here watching with me!! Welcome to the VA, Linds!

I left my notes from last night at home, so I’m winging it today, but luckily last night’s show was a whole lot of nothing. Seriously, these results shows need to go back to a half hour. After Ryan reminds us that we voted a bajillion times, he wastes some time with the judges before going into this week’s group sing. Guys, these things get worse and worse every week. This time it’s “Reelin’ in the Years” by Steely freakin’ Dan (not related to Steely freakin’ McBeam). Is it me, or do the group vocals sound more and more prerecorded every week?

The recap reminds us what a lackluster show Tuesday was – the Cookster and his playoff beard were just sort of breezing through, and reminded us why a Who song should never be boiled down to one and a half minutes; Archuleta continued his crusade to become the next Josh Groban; Syesha (who has been growing on me) took on two huge songs and sort of came out on top; and Jason continued his nose-diving attempt to get the F out of there. This is our top 4? Give me Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, & Blake over these people any day. Or half of Chris, Elliott, Katharine, & Taylor. Hell, I’d take Nikki freaking McKibbin at this point in time. This is the most underwhelming season ever.

Two performances this week - we’ve got an hour to fill, remember! – by Bo Bice and Maroon 5. I wasn’t here during the Bo/Carrie season so I really don’t have an opinion of him. I heart Maroon 5 so bad and want to have a beer with Adam Levine.

In between all this, we get a lot of filler including a really terrible FORD! commercial set to “Ring of Fire” (we all agreed the Cookster should’ve sung this song himself and would’ve been awesome), a trip to Vegas to see the Cirque de Soleil Beatles show (because Idol is still paying for the Beatles songbook), and an especially hilarious call-in segment in which a girl from Pittsburgh asks the Cookster out on a date but, despite being on national TV, did not say “Go Pens.” (Cookster, do it. She’ll take you to Primanti’s.)

I neglected to mention that somewhere in this hour of product placement and commercials were some results. Of course, the Davids are safe. And of course, Syesha and Jason are the bottom two. The best moment of the last four weeks of Idol comes at approximately 9:20, when Ryan starts his usual “we’re going to tease you but of course we’re taking a break and you have to wait another half hour for results” routine. Jason, being Jason and therefore being high as shit, says something to the effect of “You’re gonna tell us now?”

Of course not. But at approximately 9:55, Ryan finally does tell us that Jason is out and Syesha is in, making me immensely happy. Never have I seen a contestant so clearly not want to be there, and I’m glad he gets his wish and goes home. Now all I need is Syesha to somehow take out Archuleta, but we all know that’s not happening. Did you notice how many times they showed David & David in the same shot? Could the producers be any more clear about the finale they want?

Linds is taking on all of next week, since she’s leaving me to recap the final two nights on my own. It should be interesting, to say the least. Will this be the most anticlimactic finale ever? Or will Syesha still refuse to go away? Stay tuned! Go Pens!!!!!!

But I did not shoot his deputy.

Hey guys, Lindsay here. It's my last time blogging from our house in North Carolina. As of tomorrow night, Bren and I will officially be residing in the same state. WOO! Our house is totally packed up with the exception of an air mattress, the TV and the computer, because let's face it, I couldn't miss Idol tonight.

Tonight is Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night, and I'm still not really sure what that means. I guess just songs by artists who've been inducted into the HoF--which is probably a ton of songs, so just a "sing whatever you want!" kind of night is coming up, I'm thinking. Hey, there's Luke! Man, Luke Menard would have been awesome these past few weeks. I could totally see his cheesy hot ass getting into Neil Diamond week. During the RnR HoF video package, we see Ike Turner, which clearly means Syesha's going to sing "Proud Mary", right? I am so good at this show.

The Cookster's up first singing "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. If I'm not mistaken, wasn't that the song used in the scene in the movie "Old School" when Andy Dick was teaching that blow job class? My speakers are packed, so I can't You Tube this to be certain. Can someone out there confirm or deny? Thanks.

Anyway, the Cookster's okay. He's not doing anything special with the arrangement which is something we've come to expect, but I guess you can't do that every week. I'd still rather listen to the Cookster on an okay day than to Archuleta on his best day. The judges give it a "just okay" label, which is exactly right.

Syesha's up second, doing the predictable "Proud Mary." What did I say? I own this show. Or else I'm really sad. Apparently, this song has been covered over 100 times. Damn. And Syesha being Syesha of course has to take it on. I mean, she's already done Whitney, Mariah (though they've all done that) and Fantasia, so might as well round it out with Tina. The whole thing is very showgirl-Ike and Tina go to Broadway. Randy tells her she was "in the zone", and Syesha shows us that she's taken on Brooke's personality by interrupting the judges. Shut uuuuuuuuuup. Simon tells her it was a bad impersanation of Tina, which, word. Next.

Hey it's Carly! I miss her and Gramps so bad. Jason's up doing "I Shot the Sheriff"--is he shitting us with this? Bren forwarded me an interview with Jason this week where he basically told the interviewer he was ready to go home. I am so not down with that. So I'm already biased going into this performance, and it's predictably terrible. I have to say, I've never seen a performance quite like this on Idol, though. The judges all pretty much hate it, and seem extra vicious. I wonder if they read his interview. I have a feeling Jason's going down this week.

In the pimp spot for like the sixth time this season is little David. Is it me, or does he look younger every week? He looks like he's 11 this week. What the hell are those pants he's wearing? Oh sorry, he's doing "Stand by Me", but I got so distracted by his outfit I forgot to mention that. I am not a huge little David fan, but this is probably the best we've seen from him in a while. The judges have been all over his shit the past few weeks, but I don't think the performances have been up to snuff with the critiques. Tonight he is pretty good though. During the critique, Simon gets in a dig at Jason, which I think is kind of effed up--leave the criticism of the previous contestant WITH the previous contestant, Cowell.

The Cookster comes out for round two in some kind of sparkly blazer/shiny shirt combo. Yikes. I'm a little worried for the Cookster this week, actually. He's in the Daughtry spot right now--the rocker guy left in the top four, and we all know what happened two years ago. Not that Daughtry's doing that badly, but still. He's doing "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who, which is a song that for years I totally thought was just called "Teenage Wasteland." Whatever, I'm an airhead. I would totally buy a ticket to see the Cookster in concert. I heart this guy so bad. He's growing some sort of playoff hockey beard, I see. I bet it's for Pittsburgh. LET'S GO PENS! The judges all love it, and I hope people don't think he's safe and let him go the way of Chris.

The guys from Rascal Flatts are in the audience. Have they even had a new song in the past two years? Out comes Syesha in some kind of crazy gold dress singing "A Change is Gonna Come"--I swear someone has done this on Idol already. I don't feel like looking that up--anyone know? I am so bored by Syesha. She really has a beautiful voice, and I'm sure she's a lovely person, but she just leaves me cold. After Randy gives her the critique, she proves once and for all that she's taken on Brooke's personality and she loses her shit all over the stage. God, STOP CRYING. She seriously can't even speak. WTF? I'm over this. Fast forward.

Jason's doing Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man." I feel like this should get us back to classic Jason, the Jason we fell in love with during "Hallelujah" a zillion weeks back. No dice. It's boring, blah and he forgets the words at one point. Jason's totally checked out, man. He's probably all, This isn 't what I thought this show was gonna be...where's the free weed? I heard Seacrest keeps the good stuff in his dressing room. You know what I would have loved to hear him sing? Time in a Bottle. Man I bet he could rock the Croce. OK, I've now totally derailed. Simon tells him he should pack his suitcase. I kind of hope he's right.

Oh. Ma. Gawd. Little David is closing out the night with "Love Me Tender" by Elvis?! This is totally going to be deja vu from when Kevin Covais sang "Part Time Lover", isn't it? Why do these teenage boys insist on singing these songs? He's predictably good, but boring. I think he should have been behind the piano instead of on that stool. I mean, there's really nothing left to say about this kid. He's totally going to be in the final two, and you either love or you hate that, so he could just phone it in tonight and next week and still be gravy. Simon tells him he "crushed" the competition tonight, and I don't know if I agree with that. I mean, Jason, yeah, maybe. But the Cookster brought it on his second song, and Syesha was still decent if boring. She was no less boring than little David.

Anyway, obviously either Syesha or Jason will be going tomorrow, and I would say that my money is on Jason, but all the nasty criticism may have put his fans into overdrive. Bren will blog your results tomorrow night. Cheers!

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie

Longest season ever, right guys? Jeebus. I have to say, I haven't been this disinterested in the outcome of this show since season three. I think my husband summed it all up the best on Tuesday night: if these are supposed to be the best, what the hell did they already eliminate? Anyway, time for the hour-long results craptacular!

45 million people voted on Tuesday night...this number gets higher every week. After Ryan introduces the judges and gently tells America that Paula was NOT high Tuesday night, our ragtag group of kids comes out to perform a Neil Diamond group tribute number. Seriously, more of this? I was totally 100% with Bren on her comment yesterday about the limited themes. This is just too much. Wow, Syesha's dress is really unflattering. This is a terrible group number. Brooke and Syesha sound weak as hell. I think the medley is in too low of a range for the entire group, they all sound like they are struggling.

EW! Constantine! In a sequined shirt! Showing the camera his gross, smoldering eye! BOOOO! OMG, poor Gina Glocksen. They have to host a show together?? She's probably going to get an STD just from sitting next to him. And now on to the recap of last night. Brooke was totally manic and "Eight Days a Week" shades of crazy, the Cookster did the best he could do with the limited songbook, Jason was Jason and found out ahead of time that Paula was apparently going to hate his second song, Syesha was good but about 10 shades of bland, and Little David was predictably cheesy yet somehow hilarious. I would have loved it if he came out in like, a red white and blue sequined jacket.

Ryan's diving into the results pretty early tonight. Must be a lot of filler for later. He brings out Jason and after a lot of jibba jabba, Jason is safe. This surprises me a little bit, but I guess maybe he picked up some of Carly's votes? Little David comes out next, and come on, this isn't even suspenseful. Without even watching the next half hour, I could have told you that the Cookster would come out third and be safe, leaving Brooke and Syesha in the bottom two. Little David is of course, safe. Oh and next week is apparently "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" week, which could be kind of awesome or treacherous, depending.

After a long ass So You Think You Can Dance (dance! dance! dance!) preview, we get a shot of creepy Uncle Nigel backstage, which, ew. Also apparently, there was a contest to design the Coke cups, and some guy won, and the judges show them off. Scintillating! I have to say, Paula's publicist really cranked it out after Tuesday night--notice Paula's demure, age-appropriate hairdo and her non-cleavage showing, 3/4 sleeved top. Nice work trying to make her not look batshit, but we all know the truth.

So we find out next that the Cookster is safe, natch, and Syesha and Brooke are in the bottom two. There is way too much filler in this show, man. I'm surprised they didn't make both of them sing again like last week. Probably because Brooke will be eliminated and they want to torture her already fragile mind by making her sing her song after she just got the boot. Anyway, one of the TWO musical acts for tonight (really?) is Natasha Bedingfield. I really hope she comes out wearing that kicky skipper's hat she's been photographed in recently. I totally fast forward through her performance. Sorry guys. Oh wait, I pause it long enough to watch her come over to the couches and molest Little David and then tell him she wants to go to prom with him. HAHAHAHA. Awesome.

Shit, it's the return of the viewer calls. I fast forward until I see something on the screen about a woman kissing Simon in the garden when he was nine, and then come on, I HAVE to stop and rewind. What follows is probably the most hilarious of the viewer call in segments. Apparently, the British lady on the phone was Simon's first kiss when he was nine, and lots of cheeky antics follow.

OK, I'm going to wrap this up, because I'm at work and I'm getting my monthly chair massage in like five minutes. Neil Diamond comes out, sings, fills up some more airtime, blah blah blah, FORD! commercial that's actually kind of cute, and time for the result. Ryan calls Brooke and Syesha to the stage, and Brooke looks like she totally knows what is coming. Ryan delivers the news that Brooke is eliminated in probably the gentlest manner we've ever seen from him. I think he knows she's unbalanced. What follows is Brooke completely losing her shit all over Syesha, her Ruben-infused video package, and her babbling incoherently before being forced to sing her song again. All the Idols come out and hover around her while she sings, and it's the trainwreck you would expect.

As much as I've turned on her in the past few weeks (and truly, I don't think I've EVER turned on an Idol so fast), it makes me a little sad that she's going and that she's so obviously not okay about it. Well, she'll make a record anyway, and I'm sure it will be nice and I'll probably download a couple of the tracks on iTunes. Bye Brooke! They're taking you to a nice place now, don't worry!

So we're in the final four, and I have to say, I didn't think Syesha would be there. Next week should be interesting. I'll be blogging the performance night and Bren will take the results. Have a great weekend, all. Cheers!

My spirit really is broken.

Hi folks, Brenna here. Lindsay was traveling, so she’s taking results night off my hands, and I’m here to guide you through Neil Diamond night.

First, let me go on a tirade about the themes this year. Why have they been so limiting? In the past, we've had a celebrity mentor and a broad theme (a la country, or love songs, or movie soundtracks) or at least have had a more versatile artist catalogues to work from (a la Bon Jovi, which gave us 5 out of 6 stellar performances, or Elton John from season 3, which gave us a homerun from J-Hud). And why have the contestants been given exactly one week (Mariah week) to sing anything written later than 1989? I'm not knocking Mr. Neil Diamond at all. He is a very talented musician and songwriter. I’m just saying that at this point in time, when you have the top five contestants on what we’ve been repeatedly told is the best, most talented season of Idol ever, you expect them to have some good source material to work with. Oh well. On to the show.

Jason forgets his lyrics in front of the man who wrote them. Geez, is this guy trying to piss off every mentor this year?! He then sings “Forever in Blue Jeans,” which I think suits him rather well. I’m not blown away, but it’s ok. I’m bored in general by him lately. Apparently there’s no judging for this round of songs, and they’ll be singing again. This whole hour is really chaotic. I’m stressed.

OMG Bret Michaels and his bandana will be on “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” this week!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS.

The Cookster sings a song called “I’m Alive.” I’ve never heard it before. It was ok. This week is going to suck, I can feel it.

Also, dear Cookster: please shave. You had like two weeks where you looked good and you're drifting back into Amber Alert territory. We really, really like you now. “Always Be My Baby” has been in constant rotation on my iPod. We don’t want you to be skeevy. That’s a road best left to this guy.

Anyways. Brooke, dear Brooke, who I feel is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, is singing “I’m a Believer.” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was a Neil Diamond song? Oh nooooo, this is cheesy. Is she wearing shiny bell bottoms? It was really, really bad. Someone needs to tell her that up-tempo songs just don’t suit her. I’m sure Simon will later.

I miss Michael Johns.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever are now presented by David Archuleta. He’s singing “Sweet Caroline” first, and he sounds… I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t take this seriously. It’s SWEET M-F’ING CAROLINE. This song belongs either in a bar or at a sporting event. Preferably alcohol are involved in both. I can’t handle this tonight.

Syesha sings “Hello Again.” I don’t know any of these songs. The mosh pit needs to stop waving their hands. She’s good, I suppose. I think she oversang it a bit.

At this point we have a weird, impromptu speed judging sequence in which Randy is forced to actually be concise, Paula is clearly off her meds and thinks Jason sang twice, leading to the most awkward moment in Idol history when she tries to cover it, and Simon basically tells them they all sucked. Thank God for Simon. He’s not taking any crap tonight. And oh, goody, we get to do this all over again.

Jason sings “September Morn” and it sounds exactly like every other song he’s ever done on this show. His vocals are a little shaky throughout and he gives some BS excuse for it. DUDE. At this stage of the game, there are no excuses. You either nail it or go home (or, in some cases, nail it and still go home). This show is on my last nerve tonight.

I miss Carly.

The Cookster sings “All I Really Need is You,” and I actually like it. It’s still not the greatest performance I’ve ever seen, not anywhere close, but at this point the Cookster is so far above any of the other contestants that I’ve pretty much stopped caring about grading him against his own personal curve and am just happy he's not sucking as bad as everyone else tonight.

Brooke sings “I Am I Said.” Halfway through, I go, “ohhhh, this song!” Neil had suggested she change New York to Arizona to make it more her own. I say that’s stupid. A) Changing it to Arizona makes the song make no sense, since Arizona is not on a different coast than California, it’s not on any coast at all, and half the lyrics sound stupid now. B) Duh, obviously these kids aren’t singing songs true to themselves. You really think Kevin Covais was your part-time lover? Or that Jordin knew half the crap she sang about, since she’s only a teenager and has no life experience?! Come on. The performance itself is actually quite nice. It’s the best (and most put together) we’ve seen Brooke in weeks. I have a bad feeling it’s too little, too late, but stranger things have happened on this stupid show.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever presented by David Archuleta continues with “America.” It is Cheese with a capital C. More bland ass freedom, flag-waving Cheese. At least he’ll get the KLC vote. I think he flubs a lyric again, and his voice totally cracks, and the judges say nothing about it. Of course not. We’re getting a David/David finale whether we like it or not.

INDIANA JONES COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was easily the highlight of this hour.

Syesha closes the show with “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime.” Eh. I think she should have switched the order of her songs, the first one was better. I do like her singing sassy, up-tempo songs though, and being told she is good at Broadway stuff is not an insult.

I’m not even going to bother figuring out a bottom three. I’m pretty much over tonight. I’m over this whole season. Let’s not even declare a winner, just fast-forward to November when the Cookster’s CD comes out, and we can forget this whole debacle of a season ever happened. Kind of like we forget about Taylor Hicks.

Review coming later today...

... I was too busy watching Saving Silverman.

I call shenanigans.

You guys, this ep was off the HEEZY fa SHEEZY. So many times in my notes, I just wrote WTF? because it was all I could muster up at the time. In the first ninety seconds of the show, we see Ryan practically get molested by some woman in the audience, Price is Right style, we see Paula's boobs again shoved up to her chin, and we see Ryan deliver a forehead kiss to Simon that I don't even wanna discuss any more. Keep it at home, gentlemen!

So 38 million gazillion google squillion people voted last night, but before we get to the results, the kids get to jack up one more of poor ALW's songs. The man himself is at the piano to accompany the group on "All I Ask of You", and he could not look more over it. The three guys actually sound halfway decent together, but the girls sound all sorts of effed up. I mean, really, you have three totally different vocal tones trying to mesh here, and it's not good. Also, WHY the hayell are the people in the "mosh pit" raising their arms and swaying? It's BROADWAY, not Bon Jovi! Christ.

After the group number, Ryan announces that the Idol tour will kick off its 49-city jaunt in Glendale, Arizona on July 1. All I have to say is--Idols in DC on 8/14, what whaaaat? We jump into a recap of last night--Syesha was kind of fierce, Little David sounded like Michael Bolton, Jason was a totally stoned, utter mess, Brooke was maybe the biggest trainwreck this show has ever seen, Carly rocked the hell out of Jesus Christ Superstar and the Cookster (tm Brenna) saved this whole damn thing again and maybe made ALW feel like he didn't want to kill himself after all.

Ryan brings out ALW for a chat, which is kind of nice. Really, it's probably because none of the other mentors could string a cohesive sentence together. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Dolly and Mariah, but MENSA members they ain't. His eyebrows are a force to be reckoned with. Ryan brings up Brooke's disaster for the ninth time this ep, which clearly means she's safe, and ALW sticks up for her. Sorry, Brooke fans, but at this stage of the game--top SIX--it's not the time for shit like this. Anyway, bye ALW! Sorry your song book was clearly never meant to grace the Idol stage!

After commercials, we have the FORD! commercial of the night. I actually kind of enjoy this one to "Tainted Love"--the Cookster looks hot with those red streaks. OMG, you can get Idol winner stamps!! YESSSSS. Bren, even though we're about to live less than two miles from each other, I am totally sending you a letter with a RUUUUUUUUUUUUBEN stamp on it. I hope his pic is him with one of those GIANT 205 jerseys he used to wear.

Elimination time--Ryan brings out the Davids. After jibba jabbing at them for way too long, we find out that--clearly--both guys are safe. Foreshadowing of our final two, some may say. Oh Jesus, Neil Diamond is the mentor next week. If the Cookster doesn't sing "Sweet Caroline", I quit. Have you guys ever seen the SNL sketches where Will Ferrell does Neil Diamond. Love it.

And what's this? Instead of our weekly "viewer call in" segment, we get an Idol where are they now? video journey? OMG, Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken on Broadway. Holy shit guys, Randy was 'UUUUUUUUUUUGE (tm Donald Trump) in season two. Bren and I were JUST discussing Clay today and how we missed the transformation when he apparently became a woman.

Commercials, and tonight performing we have Leona Lewis, aka keep keep bleeding, aka Simon Cowell's protege. 10 bucks says Simon's banging her. I have to say--I am totally 100% sick of this song, but she really does have a beautiful voice. And her cheekbones are SICK. Whoa, big flames on the power notes. Nice touch there, Fox.

OK, Syesha and Brooke are up next. Brooke looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. I seriously think she cannot handle this show. They should just boot her for her mental health. All this buildup about how Syesha was soooo personable and Brooke effed up sooooo bad is clearly a ploy so we're SHOCKED and clutching our pearls when Ryan announces Brooke is safe.....and there we go. I swear, if she effs up her lyrics when I'm paying to see her on the Idol tour, I will throw a can at her.

This leaves Carly and Jason the last two battling it out for a spot on the couch. Wow, it's 9:48--and NO VIEWER QUESTIONS! YAY! Maybe they are doing away with that. Ryan asks Carly if she had more than one song picked to sing and...didn't we already see the answer to that? On her video package last night? When ALW TOLD US he told Carly to change her song. Jeez, Seacrest. Jason is totally stoned again...and also safe. Oh man, I have a bad feeling about this. For realsies guys, Jason and Brooke were totally the worst last night.

OK, Carly's singing, fast forward fast forward, Syesha's singing--wtf, Carly and Ryan? They talked through her whole damn song. After 38 kachillion votes...it's Carly who's out. Man. I have to admit, once I knew the Cookster was safe, I said I didn't really care about the rest of the five but now that Carly's out, I'm bummed. She was awesome last night. She and Syesha hug for about five years and RUUUUUBEN's here to sing her out. Her video package is kind of depressing, yikes. Well, I think America got it wrong, but then, I didn't vote, so who am I to judge--LOL. Anyway, bye Carly! I hope you figure out how to dress yourself better once you leave. We'll be back next week--I'll be recapping Neil Diamond night, dear God, and Bren will hand you your results. Cheers!

Don't cry for me, America.

Guys, I’ve been looking forward to tonight since Seacrest first announced the mentors back in week 1. Andrew Lloyd Webber is amazing. His music is amazing. And that’s what had me so worried that tonight would be a train wreck. Was it? On to the recap.

Syesha leads off with “One Rock & Roll Too Many,” from Starlight Express. I’ve never seen this show, but have always wanted to. The actors are on roller skates!! How awesome is that. But anyways, back to Syezzzzzzzsha. Technically, it’s very good. She’s sassy, she sounds great, and I should be feeling it, but I’m just not. There’s no connection between her and the audience. It’s like her…… brick wall……. us.

Jason is next, singing “Memory,” from Cats. ALW says something great about a man with dreadlocks singing this song. Jason acts dumb and doesn’t realize it was sung by a cat. Dude, stop hitting the bong and do your homework. ALW is already regretting agreeing to this show. Anyways, the song isn’t terrible, but it’s nothing to write home about. He kind of speeds up in the bridge, and it never reaches the climax we’re all expecting it to, and his voice is breaking, and it’s kind of all over the place. Randy makes one of the dumbest Randy comments of all time, telling him there was too much melody. What?! In the audience, ALW looks for the exit.

Brooke sings “You Must Love Me,” written for the movie version of Evita. With all the great songs from this show, I’m a little disappointed she chose this one. ALW blatantly tells her she doesn’t know what she’s singing about and proceeds to fill her in that this isn’t a happy song, that a woman is singing on her deathbed, and, like, OMG, Brooke gets it. She then throws it away by stopping the band after just a few words and starting over again, and she never quite recovers. Ohhh, Brooke. What happened to you? At least she was quiet during the judges’ critiques, which is an improvement.

Seacrest is on the stools with Archuleta, who looks absolutely terrified, as per usual. He is then attacked by like seven girls who run up from the audience, and we cut to his session with ALW, who is again laughing that a guy will be singing a song he wrote for a woman, this time “Think of Me,” from Phantom of the Opera. Seriously, it perplexes me too. You have this massive catalog of music available to you, and you can't find a gender appropriate number? ALW wrote this song – and this role – specifically for his wife at the time, so I can imagine he’s a little annoyed that Archuleta sings a version sounding like the Backstreet Boys circa 1999. It’s good, I suppose, and the judges all love it, but I’m with ALW, looking pissed off that this little boy commandeered one of his signature songs and made it sound like it belongs on Light FM.


Carly, please save this show. She starts off with ALW singing “All I Ask of You” (also from Phantom) until ALW cuts her off and tells her to sing “Jesus Christ Superstar,” from the musical of the same name. It’s all good, I suppose, but again, I just can’t get excited by her. It’s one of her better performances in weeks though, and I’ll give her points for picking the most upbeat song of the evening. But all around, to me, she’s just eh.

And finally, thankfully, the Cookster is in the pimp spot. And he’s singing “Music of the Night”!!!!! And he’s not messing with it at all!!! He listened to me!!!! ALW talks about how sexy the song is, and tells David to think of him as a 17-year-old girl, which we all know would be a tad inappropriate. At this point, I really want to have a beer with ALW. He’s so cool. So the Cookster sings with the original arrangement, and doesn’t do any fancy stuff with it, and it’s awesome. See, this is something that’s been lost in all the discussion this season about David – the guy can sing. It’s kind of lost sometimes, because we’re talking more about how he arranged the song, but he very rarely sings an off note. And tonight, when he’s just singing, he’s singing very well. It sounds great, and it’s sensual, and it’s dark, and (coming from someone who has seen Phantom about five times) it’s exactly what this song should be. Bravo, David.

The split this week, to me, is simple. The first half of the performers (Syesha, Jason, & Brooke) will be the bottom three. Syesha was rather good, but forgettable in the lead spot. Jason just picked the wrong song, and Brooke was a wreck. My money is on Brooke to go home, which makes me sad, but someone has to go every week. At this point in time, though, I wouldn’t be surprised by anyone outside the Davids. This is when the competition gets good, people!

Come on along and listen to the lullaby of Broadway...

Hello, faithful readers! Ready for Broadway week? Man, I am. I was in Greece the last time the Idols attempted to sing songs from the Great White Way and am still disappointed I missed it. Unfortunately, this time around the Idols are limited to the music of Andrew Lloyd Weber. While he’s got one heck of a songbook, his songs are hard, and it concerns me a little bit… but hopefully these Idols will rise to the challenge! I’m here today to suggest what songs the Idols should sing, and in some cases guess what they will sing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an excellent night of performances!

Let’s start with the Cookster. (I’ve been waiting for KLC to get the boot so I can start calling David C. the Cookster. I think it suits him, and I’m sick of having two Davids around.) This is the primary case of me wanting a selection outside the ALW library, because David would absolutely kill “One Song Glory” from Rent. And I mean kill it, making Brenna a puddle on the ground because he would sing the crap out of an already amazing song. Unfortunately that won’t happen this time around, but let me offer the Cookster two suggestions: first, please don’t rearrange anything. Just sing it as it is. And second, give “Music of the Night” from Phantom a shot, and thank me later. He’s just sinister enough to pull it off.

This night is made for David #2. He’s got a quintessential musical theatre voice and will likely sound fantastic in whatever he chooses. I’m guessing it will be either “Close Every Door” or “Any Dream Will Do” from Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. My money is on the latter, cuz we know David likes to sing about dreams and puppies and crap like that.

My money is on Syesha to pick “Memory” from Cats, one of ALW’s biggest and most well-known songs, but I’d prefer to give it to Carly. Carly needs to soften up a bit, show some vulnerability, and I think “Memory” might be the trick for her. I’d love to see Syesha do something more upbeat for once. How about “Buenos Aires” from Evita?

I’ve been having trouble with Brooke. Many musical theatre songs are written for BIG voices, which she just doesn’t have. If it wasn’t ALW specific, I’d have suggested a stripped down version of “On My Own” from Les Miserables, but instead I’m going to toss her “Another Suitcase in Another Hall,” also from Evita. I just don’t want her to smile through the whole song, a la “Jolene” a few weeks back. With the right approach, though, Brooke + a guitar + this song could be just what she needs to get back on top her A game.

And finally, Jason may have the toughest time with this genre. Big orchestral numbers typically don’t translate well to the coffee house, but how about “Unexpected Song” from Song & Dance? I could see this one with an acoustic vibe.

Well, we’ll see what happens tomorrow. This week could either be amazing or a trainwreck… either way, I’ll be here to tell you all about it!

Finally.

Well, folks, it’s a good night. The Pens swept their series (WOOOOOO!!!!!) and the outcome of the results show was finally satisfactory. But more on that later.

Ryan kicks off the show by reminding us, once again, that we suck for voting off Michael Johns. The top 7 then sing the most depressing group sing ever, the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men ballad “One Sweet Day.” Guys, I am not the biggest Mariah fan in the world, but I do give the girl some respect, because this song came out in 1995 and she’s still relevant today. 1995! And that was five years after her first album came out. That was released the same year Archuleta was born. Yikes. Speaking of Arculeta, I'm pretty sure he stole that jacket from Clay Aiken circa Bee Gees week in season two.

So after thoroughly depressing everyone in the audience, we get the recap from last night. Archuleta believed in something. Cook, David was awesome as per usual. Cook, Kristy Lee kind of blew. Syesha and Jason both kind of bored me. Carly looked angry like she does every week. Brooke was not as good as drunk Brenna thought she was last night.

Seacrest introduces the Idols standing backstage by the TV. What is up with that this year? Is Sony now a sponsor too? He brings out Jason and tells him to stand to his left, and then tells David Cook to stand to his right. Oh, good, it’s time for this. You all know what’s coming – the totally overplayed gimmick where Seacrest tries to go all “Rock of Love” on us and cause tension in the Idol dwelling. Carly then joins Jason’s group, and KLC joins David’s group.

We’re interrupted by the weirdest Ford music video yet, with the Idols acting like puppets in an office and singing “I Want to Break Free.” Only upon seeing a Ford drive by do they realize they actually can break free. I’m freaked out by the Davids’ combovers.

We’re back to the studio, and Elliott Yamin is there to perform!! Yessssss!!! You all know we’re Elliott’s biggest fans. He sounds brilliant no matter what he sings, and gets teary at the end, and opens his palm which reads “We miss you mom” and then I remember his mom passed away a few weeks ago and I almost lose it. Guys, his mom was so adorable, and Elliott was so cute with her, and I am trying so hard not to cry when Seacrest is talking to him. Damn, this is a rough week in the Idol studios.

Back to the results. Syesha joins the Jason group, and Brooke joins the David group, leaving Archuleta as the lone man out. Oooh, this is gonna be good.

But wait, first we have phone calls. Thing we learned tonight: David Cook is single. Simon and Paula still have awkward tension. And KLC can’t get her damn horse back.

Mariah sings, and to be honest, I fast forward.

And finally, we’re back to the train wreck that is David Archuleta being forced to think independently. He looks scared shitless. Daddy isn’t on stage telling him what to do! Oooh, they shake it up a bit by having David Cook and Syesha switch sides. Archuleta refuses to choose sides and sits down. I’m pretty sure Melinda beat you to that one last year. Seacrest makes it pretty obvious that the Carly/David C/Jason group is the safe one, as if we had any doubt. Archuleta still doesn’t know what to do though, since he lost the ability to infer when Daddy programmed him to sing. David C. adorably goes to sit down next to him though, and Archuleta is kind of like the little boy who wants to be as cool as his older brother someday.

So your bottom three this week is Kristy Lee, Brooke, and Syesha. Syesha is safe, and I’m about to pitch a fit, but after what seems like an eternity of bitching by the judges, we are assured that Brooke is safe, and Kristy Lee is FINALLY going home. We’re reminded – again – that she sold her horse, and then she starts her sing-out sitting next to Simon and thoroughly creeping him out.

I feel a bit like I did when Sanjaya was voted out last year – the real competition can now begin, and it’s really anybody’s game. And next week is Andrew Lloyd Weber week!!! You have no idea how excited that makes me. And I finally get to recap a performance show. :) Idol Madness returns this week!

I had a vision of love...

I don't care what anyone says, or what anyone thinks. I. Love. Mariah. This bitch is a force to be reckoned with in the music industry. She beat ELVIS, you guys. Most number one songs EVER. And she's not even 40 years old! Not to mention, she went bat-shit crazy that one time and showed up to TRL wearing nothing but a giant tee shirt. Word, MC. I totally downloaded "Touch My Body" from iTunes the second it hit the airwaves even though as Brenna says, it sounds exactly like all her other songs. So: to the races!

Seacrest voices over as the camera pans down the line of our Idols. My husband's first observation of the kids, having not watched this show in almost two years: they all look bland. That's about right, babe. The Archu-robot has a face that looks like he's been eating some of Jason's brownies. After Ryan's longest pause in the history of "THIS...is American Idol", it's showtime.

David A. is up first. I have to say, Bren and I had numerous discussions over the past two days about what the boys would sing on this diva-licious night. I do not know how it escaped us that Mariah sang a song called "When You Believe", because, of COURSE David would choose a song with "believe" in the title. OMG, he is wearing leather pants! HAAAAAAAAAAAA. I bet he borrowed those from Gramps. Aww, Gramps. I have to say, you guys, I think the strain of the competition is wearing on our lil David. Is it just me, or has he been looking more and more run down every week? I think he's doing a great job with the song in spite of that, actually. I thought his falsetto was really nice, and the judges all love it.

Here comes Carly, who finally is wearing a decent outfit. Thank you, jeebus. She's singing "Without You", which is kind of predictable, and MC loves her. I think it's miles better than last week, and she isn't exuding an air of desperation for once. She's better when she's belting the big notes...I think Randy tells her that every week. And, yep, there we go, he says it again and tells her she was slightly weaker in her lower range. I agree with that. This wasn't Carly's best, but it certainly wasn't her worst. Simon says he expected more from her and he doesn't think she pulled it off, but I think she did better than okay. Not great...I'll give it a pretty good.

Ugh, Syezzzzzzzzsha. Girl already took on Whitney, now she gets to do Mariah. She chooses "Vanishing", which I vaguely know. It's not one of my top Mariah songs. Wow, I love her dress. She looks dynamite tonight. Guys, there's really not much I can say about Syesha. She's technically the best vocalist on the show, by a mile, but she's so freaking dull. I wouldn't buy her album because she just doesn't have a sound that interests me. Randy tells her she did a good job, Paula jibba jabbas something and Simon tells her it was technically very very good, but he thinks she took a risk picking an unknown song. We'll see. I have a feeling she might be bottom three'ing it again.

Brooke is up next, telling us again how she missed her sister's wedding. Oh my God, she's doing "Hero"--BREN. I can't remember, did you call this one? I know I was saying Archu-bot would do it, and I thought you said one of the girls would and I can't remember if you said B-money. She's at the piano, good. I can hear the Brooke spin on this, and I wish it were better but it's not fabulous. She is visibly shaking throughout the whole thing, and the song feels completely rushed after the bridge. I'm sure that's the nerves. I'm a little nervous for Brooke. I would still totally buy her album, but I don't think that performance will win her any fans.

Seriously, Paula is on some good shit tonight. As all the judges are talking over each other about Brooke, she busts out with "the two of you look GREAT on stage together!" Brooke and Seacrest are all, WTF? and everyone looks at Paula like this is her descent into madness. Guys! SHE'S ALREADY THERE.

Kristy Lee, are you still here? Jesus. OMFG are you kidding me?? "Forever" is seriously my all-time favorite Mariah song, and she is going to country it all up and ruin it. RUIN IT. She is so asstastic and white trash. She's in some cheap gold lame dress and is twanging all over the song. This is terrible. Simon agrees with me, calling it whiny and telling her that Mariah night wasn't to her advantage. I really hope this is the end of her. Please. PLEASE. Haaaaaaaaaate.

David C. is going to attempt "Always Be My Baby." I have to admit, I did not see this one coming. I was completely stumped at what David would pick. He comes out and starts rocking out to the song and it is f'ing fantastic. 10 bucks some random band no one's ever heard of comes out tomorrow and is all, we totally covered that song FIRST. Bitches. Guys, I love this. David is not the most technically perfect vocalist ever, but he's the whole package. Randy gives him the first standing ovation of season seven, of course Paula digs it because she wants to do him, and Simon loves it, calling it a breath of fresh air. I think that is David's terminally ill brother in the audience, and he tears up on stage. I love this guy. Another one whose album I would buy.

Because the show is so jacked up and Paula never shuts up, I don't get to see the end of the show. I had two shows set to record at 9 and my tv like freaked out when the clock turned to 9:00, lol. I see the beginning of Jason with Mariah and hear that he's singing "I Don't Wanna Cry", and I see the beginning of it, which sounds awesome. Jason is so random and cool. I have to call my mom to find out what the judges thought of it. Apparently Simon loved it--he's been on a Jason kick the past two weeks.

To sum up: the guys totally win Mariah night. Which was to be expected, as they said in the beginning, it was going to be harder for the girls. Well done, gentlemen. Ideal bottom three would be Syesha, Carly and Kristy Lee, but as Gramps' shocking elimination last week showed us, anything can happen! Bren will give you the results tomorrow night. Cheers!

Dream until your dreams come true.

Well, Sunday night and I’ve finally caught up on my Idol viewing. Seacrest opens the results show by telling us $60 million has been raised so far. So there are good people in this country! The Idols kick off the show with a very un-PC group sing, “Shout to the Lord,” complete with massive gospel choir. We used to have this debate in high school choir, about singing religious songs in a secular setting, and it was always decided that it’s more about the art than the lyrics themselves. Some of the greatest musical compositions ever written are religious. But this is American Idol, not Christian Idol, and it’s still a little odd to watch on tv. But anyways. Enough seriousness. We have Zack and Cody (who are they?!) asking us for money!

There’s an obnoxious singalong to the tune of “I’m A Believer.” I’m too tired to figure out who all these people are. I see Kobe Bryant and more SYTYCD pimping. Was that Baby Spice? Did Posh not allow her on the show Wednesday night? Throughout the night we’ll see a litany of celebrities not quite famous enough to appear on Wednesday’s show, except for Jim Carrey. Not quite sure how he got stuck on Thursday.

Seacrest starts the results. Brooke and the Davids are both safe, obvi. We take a break for another report from Africa from Forest and Keysha Whitaker, then we’re back to the Idol stage for Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. They sing that “No Air” song, which is at least better than “Tattoo,” and the whole time all I can think is how I want to brush Jordin’s hair. They award her with some plaques – she sold some CDs, some people downloaded her songs, I think maybe she crossed the street this morning…

The Ford commercial involves paint and a car and the Idols just wanting to celebrate. God, I hate these things.

Back to results. Jason & Kristy Lee are safe, which leaves Syesha, Carly, & Michael backstage in the bottom three. While KLC drives me insane, I wasn’t throwing anything at my tv week after week when she stayed, because someone almost equally deserving always went home. None of these three deserve that. Yes, Syesha is boring and a pain in the ass, and yes, Carly seriously underwhelms me, and yes, Michael has lived up to his audition only once or twice. But to send any of them packing before KLC? No way.

But of course we can’t find out who’s going home just yet. We check in with Bono once more (is this Bono Gives Back?) and then we get taped messages from Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and Barack Obama. (I’m fairly certain Lindsay and I have differing political views, so I’m refraining from making any comments. My Spirit Has Been Broken will not endorse a candidate at this time, unless said candidate promises to lock up KLC in a cellar or something.)

We finally get the results, and it’s Michael who’s going home. Seacrest is especially bitchy tonight. Seriously, he’s really mean to Michael. Everyone looks genuinely shocked, most of all the contestants. Carly is totally broken up. David C. looks pissed. (You know he’s thinking, you’re leaving me here with a stoner and a teenager?) Give props to Michael though. He sings the crap out of “Dream On,” and it might be even better than his performance on Tuesday. The only better goodbye song I’ve seen on this show was Phil’s “Blaze of Glory” from Bon Jovi week last year. And with that, we’re done to our top 7.

I’ll be back Tuesday to recap the performance night, and Lindsay is stuck with results this week. And Idol Madness continues! See you then.

So You Think You Can Give Back

Well, it’s Sunday and I’ve finally gotten around to watching the marathon that was “Idol Gives Back,” and I’m here to give you my take on the evening’s events. All in all, not quite as bad as I’d expected, although it was pretty bad. The clout and industry power Idol has was on display all night, with A list celebrities all over the Kodak Theater and in pre-taped segments. But more on that later.

We begin with the Idols singing Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t this inspirational week? How is a song about grinding up with a stranger in a club inspirational? Who decided this was appropriate to kick off a charity fundraiser? Ooooh, now I get it. There are some dancers from “So You Think You Can Dance” flying all over the stage. Well-played, Nigel, using a fundraiser to pimp your other show. Anyways, there’s a lot of people on the stage and I really can’t keep anything straight, and it all ends with Seacrest dancing. Someone please pull him off the stage.

Kylie Minogue!!! Love her. Why isn’t she popular here? I never get that.

Maria Shriver appears on stage with some volunteers and urges us to give back. I’m still too distracted by the band playing “Maria” from “The Sound of Music” when she walked on the stage. Is this the Oscars?

More celebrity pleas: Ben Stiller, who is annoying as always, and Jennifer Connelly in a segment about drinking water.

Back to the Kodak: Snoop!! Snoop a loop!!! In a Pirates hat. With a kids football team. I think he’s their coach? Guys, how awesome would it be to have Snoop as your football coach? Anyways, Snoop is awesome.

More celebs: Kobe Bryant, some dude from the WWE.

Randy & Paula introduce a segment where they tour neighborhoods with a little boy that absolutely breaks my heart. Paul keeps the craziness mostly at bay, and my heart melts when the boy says he wishes he had more fields to play in.

But wait, after showing us the very real problems of these kids, we then cut to a ridiculous segment in which Carrie Underwood & James Denton are looking at a sink. Literally, they’re on the floor looking at it. I don’t believe for a second you have plumbing problems, Ms. Underwood. I saw James Denton at a benefit last year and he is a good looking guy. They’re interrupted by one of the few women who can come close to Paula-level-batshit-craziness, Ms. Terri Hatcher. This leads to Terri “stealing Carrie’s song” and then singing “Before He Cheats” with James on guitar. Guys, it’s awful. But really, probably not the worst performance we’ve ever seen on Idol.

More SYTYCD pimping. Nigel & Mary ask for money. I fast-forward because I can’t listen to the sound of her voice. Tonight is starting to suck the life from me.

Billy Crystal & Miley Cyrus do a mildly entertaining bit before Miley sings a song that is not “See You Again.” Booooo.

The top 12 are answering phones. Hey, David Hernandez! Bono goes to Africa. Julianne Moore asks for money.

Fergie & John Legend perform. I fast-forward, because I hate Fergie. I stop when I see Heart. Heart!!! Guys, they’re so cool. They’re singing “Barracuda.” I love th—oh, damn. Fergie comes back. And she sucks the life out of this otherwise awesome song.

More celebs: another dude from the WWE, Adam Sandler and his dog. Peyton and Eli Manning! They go to New Orleans. Personally, I think Peyton needs to step it up a bit. His PSA for United Way was much better.

The Beckhams look Beckhamesque and ask us for money. Bono goes to Africa again and talks to a little boy who wants to become a judge. Annie Lennox joins him there, taking a family of orphaned boys to be tested for HIV. She then performs at the Kodak Theater, and I’m mesmerized. Guys, this is what Idol Gives Back should be. Not SYTYCD pimping. Not Terri Hatcher’s craziness. Not Fergie. This. Moving performances, moving videos, and genuine interest and care for the issues at hand. Idol has this amazing opportunity to genuinely change the world, and they invite Miley Cyrus. But here, with Annie’s segment and performance, for a few minutes, they totally get it right.

And then the spell is broken, and we’re back to the crazy. Keifer Sutherland asks us to give, and Celine Dion goes to Africa. And then Jimmy Kimmel appears, and this is the most entertaining segment of the show so far. He introduces Simon’s visit to the Children’s Health Fund in New York.

At this point, my patience is waning. Carrie Underwood performs. Whoopi & Ellen ask us for money. Gloria Estefan performs with Sheila E. Sarah Silverman! Love her. Forrest & Keisha Whitaker tell us about malaria. Prime Minister Gordon Brown tells us the UK is donating money for mosquito nets. Was our own president not available for this? Keith Urban. Reese Witherspoon for the Children’s Defense Fund. The Idols sing “Seasons of Love.” (I can’t remember, but did they kick Amanda, David, Ramiele, & Chikezie back to the curb for this one? Like, come answer phones but you can’t sing?)

Dane Cook is being Dane Cook. Alicia Keys goes to Africa. The High School Musical girls ask for money. Where is Zac Efron? More Miley Cyrus – so let me get this right. Annie Lennox performs once, and Miley freaking Cyrus goes twice? Miley and Billy Ray go to Kentucky. Robin Williams does a stupid bit where he is the Russian Idol. I hope he didn’t start the Cold War back up again.

Rob Schneider, because anywhere Adam Sandler goes, he goes too. Tyra. David Spade. Brad Pitt goes to New Orleans and nearly starts a riot in the Kodak. Daughtry goes to Africa, and my DVR cuts off. Really, Fox? You had two and a half hours and couldn’t end on time???

So my thoughts on IGFB: only a few moments got it right. The pretaped segments brought attention to worthy causes, and were often moving, but then the debacle in the Kodak negated all that. If it all raises money though, then I suppose it’s worth it.

I’ll be back with the results show recap later today!