BURNED OUT

All I have to say is, thank GOD tonight was finally the last audition episode. I really just don't understand the people who watch this show solely for this portion of it. This many delusional people and freaks and creeps all at one time...it's exhausting and not even funny. That being said, tonight's episode is a double-city one, featuring NYC and San Juan, Puerto Rico.

After a bunch of random montages of nothing, we meet Adeola, who I swear, you guys, I thought her name said Areola when I first saw it. Adeola is what I like to refer to as "disguised crazy." For example, when you first lay eyes on her, you think, "cute enough, good smile, decent personality, isn't dressed like a tranny." She's also able to form coherent sentences which is rare for this show.

But then as she keeps talking, we find out she quit her job because she just has SO much faith in herself, she just knows she's going to make it to Hollywood. And that's when you start wondering if maybe you were wrong about her. And then she opens her mouth to "sing" and it's bad. Really, really terrible. At least Simon calls her boss and gets her job back.

Fast forward through Jorge, who sounds exactly like Enrique Iglesias to Jessika, who comes with a posse of groupies all dressed in pink. This is the sign of "obvious crazy". See also: has entered over SEVEN HUNDRED singing contests and claims that's where she gets her income. LOL and she's a "waitress at a 50s cafe"--can you imagine this girl serving you fries while singing, like, "Mr. Sandman"? She shouts a Celine Dion song at everyone and it's really bad and then we have to listen to her beg and cry for a bajillion years. NEXT.

Bringing us to a montage of crying losers saying how this isn't the end for them (it so is) and we've come to Melinda, who fancies herself some sort of free spirit. AGAIN WITH THE NOT WEARING OF THE SHOES. Honestly, if you want to be a hippie, that's totally cool. But is a pair of effing plastic flip flops going to hamper your spirit that badly?! Get the hemp kind if you have to, but for the love of God, WEAR SHOES. That is just not sanitary. Also: please put your boobs away, Melinda.

Can I sidebar here for a second and say how it's my absolute favorite thing when Simon baits these contestants? Like here when he asks her absolutely deadpan if being naked is how she sees herself helping the world, and telling her to imagine Randy naked. Priceless. Simon Cowell is effing hilarious. Anyway, Melinda sings "Feelin' Good", and she does have a very nice voice, so she's got that going for her.

Up next is Jackie, who may be one of my favorites. She needs a complete makeover, for reals (check it: her belt buckle SAYS HER NAME) but her voice and performance style have completely won me over. She sings "I'm Yours" with all sorts of crazy things all over the place. Simon makes her sing in her natural voice, which is really nice too, even though she is what I would classify as an "ugly" singer. Her face is not pretty when she sings, but that's okay. Love her. And she handles the incident of the panels behind the judges crashing down exactly the way I would have: by laughing her ass off in their faces.

Subtitled montage of crap, freak montage and then we've got San Juan and NYC's resident AI freak audition. It pisses me off so bad that these idiots get airtime. The San Juan guy comes in and acts like an asshole with a giant cutout of an iPod and then we get to NYC to "Norman Gentle", okay. This guy...just trying way too hard and really annoying, not funny and they put him through!! Come ON, show!

Of course following that, we get a very brief montage of goodness, meaning we won't ever see those people again until they make the semifinals. Up next we've got Monique who brought her little brother. I am so tired of people pimping out their families in the audition room. The kid's cute and pretty funny, but enough's enough. So Monique sings two songs and I don't really think she is that bad. She barely makes it through by the skin of her teeth, which pisses me off even more that they gave Norman Gentle a freaking golden ticket.

Crazy Alexis Cohen is back, and if you don't remember her audition from Season 7, just watch this. I'm pleased to report that not much has changed. Alexis still can't sing and is still crazy, but at least has a new hairdo and got rid of the glitter.

Our last contestant is Patricia. She came with her massive family who are all dancing and playing various musical intruments. Fun! Cool fact: her parents got married in the same place where the auditions are taking place. She's really cute and fun and I hope she's good. And she's...okay. Again with the shouting of the diva songs (Celine, now Whitney). They give her 30 seconds to try again, and she tones it down and sings something much prettier in Spanish. She's through, and her family goes insane.

FINALLY it's Hollywood week on Tuesday!! Bren will recap the first night of madness. Until then, enjoy your weekend and the SUPER BOWL!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!

Salt Lake City: Where all your nightmares come true!

How could we expect anything good in the land that brought us Archuleta? Although I will admit, the snippet of his first audition did remind me of why I thought I would like him in the beginning, but just...no.

Anyway, let's get down to business. First up is...one of the Osmonds. Oh shit, I didn't even write down his first name. LOL. Whoops. Sorry! Anyway, out comes this Osmond, who has multiple sclerosis and up until not very long ago, couldn't even get out of his wheelchair. Wow! I'm impressed so far. Also, he's kind of hot. He sings...something, and he sounds a lot like Clay. A LOT. If I shut my eyes, it could almost be Clay. He gets through, and I'm pretty sure his girlfriend is a stripper. It would have been f'ing awesome if he sang "I'm in Love (Wit a Stripper)."

ALSO: Bren and I were texting back and forth saying he looks like someone and we're not sure who. My response was "An Osmond?" but if you know who he looks like, comment us.

I'm fast forwarding through "Goth Girl" and this montage of all the crazypants. And, we've gotten to my worst nightmare. A giant, GIANT bearded man in a pink rabbit suit. Seriously, WHY? Does he have some unfulfilled desire to be Ralphie from A Christmas Story? There is no excuse for a grown-ass man to walk around in public like that. I hate that they even gave him airtime. Shudder.

OK, this bit after the commercial with everyone mocking Archuleta for being all polite and "gee willikers!" is kind of hilarious. I fast forward to what is apparently a montage of really sucky people all being polite to the judges. 10 bucks that half of those auditions did not take place in Salt Lake City. And now we've come to Sarah Silverman. I really hope she sings "I"m F'ing Matt Damon"...oh wait, it's not Sarah, it's Frankie something and she has a really cute baby. And she...sings like Amy Winehouse. Oh man, I bet we're going to get a shit load of those this year.

And I'm right. Here comes Megan, who really needs a haircut and is getting divorced. I'm sorry, but when you've got people whose spouses have died and who have learned to walk again after battling MS, you've got to do a lot better than "My marriage didn't work out." I fast-forwarded her a bit, so maybe I missed some backstory here. Megan's audition is interesting, I suppose, if a bit in that Amy Winehouse/Lily Allen/Duffy vein.

OH my God, you guys...the second coming of Archuleta, thy name is Austin. He's 17, the president of the student body, and comes in spewing all kinds of crap about wanting to be on American Idol to inspire people. In his audition, he actually sings a Raffi song. RAFFI. If you guys aren't familiar, may I introduce you to Wikipedia. Anyway, Austin comes in all spiky blond hair and a "rock" tee shirt that he picked up at the local Pac-Sun and...forget it, I'm just bitter. If ths kid makes it to the top 12, Seacrest help us all.

Here comes Taylor, another teenage girl who is six feet tall and is wearing a tiny wee vest. Taylor is from some island that I didn't catch and her parents apparently relocated to the States so she and her siblings could get famous. Nice. Her parents should call up the Spears and Simpson families and ask how that worked out. Her voice is okay, I don't really think it's anything that special, but the judges all love all over her, and she's through.

Finally we have Rose the 17-year-old hippie, and after hearing her story, Megan from earlier should be embarassed. Rose's parents both died within two years of each other, and she's moved in with her best friend's family. Man. The judges all love Rose on sight, and her voice is...weird. It's not really bad, but it's not great and it kind of sounds like she's singing with her teeth clenched. They put her through, and OMG...HER FEET. ARE. DISGUSTING. Did you see the bottoms of her f'ing feet?! FILTHY. GOD. Rose, I get it. You're a hippie, shoes are restraining, damn the man, but that is just not sanitary. Bleeeechhhhhhhhhh.

On that pleasant note, I'm out for the night! Tomorrow is the LAST night of auditions, YAY, and then it's on to Hollywood for some crying, bitching, group-night drama'ing goodness! Can't wait!

Jacksonville, FL auditions

Forgive me if this is a stream of consciousness posting. I'm multi-tasking, blogging as I watch, and trying to do homework simultaneously. Such is the life of an MBA student. But neither rain nor snow nor sleet nor accounting will keep me from my blogging public. :) Joe is sitting next to me and will occasionally interject with guest blogging (in blue).

We kick off with some Journey in Florida, and this episode already gets my vote. Because, a) they're playing Don't Stop Believin' and showing Randy Jackson with some KICK ASS hair, and b) the Steelers are in Florida too, this week, so how can you argue with that?!

That said, why do they all need separate limos? Apparently AI is not going green.

Some dude looks like Justin Guarini. Dude, I would not brag about that. He gets through and I don't know how.

This guy is a massive douche!

The next girl whose name I don't care to remember has a cute dog and an average voice. Kara and Paula then make out. I think Kara needs to get laid, because she talks way too much about sex.

I think Kara's boobs just voted yes.

Seacrest tries to convince us he's doing something manly and going "off roading" in a golf cart. Seacrest, shut up. The manliest thing you've done lately is go a few days without a manicure.

Si to a Latina chick. Some dude gets sad when another dude who he met about 4 hours earlier is cut and then breaks down in the audition room before singing "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday," making him the 700th contestant this year to sing Boyz II Men.

Now this just looks even gayer than it would have in the first place.

The show descends into yet another debacle when a girl brings her friend in to sit on Randy's lap, prompting Paula to sit on Simon's lap, and Seacrest to sit on Kara's lap. Kara seriously needs to get laid. She's feeling up Seacrest. SEACREST. La la la la la la la laaaaa. This girl's friend is even laughing at how awful and strange the singing AND the situation is. This is the most bizarre season ever.

Day 2 and Kara's boobs are even more out there. Rein it in, girl.

Why does she have to rein it in? They're the best part of the show.

Jasmine is cute with cute sisters and she's actually good. Look for her in Hollywood. Painfully awkward physics major dude sings what sounds like it should be "Walkin' on Sunshine" without any resemblance of energy. TK Hash is an "administrator" of something and sings "Imagine." Somewhere, Lindsay is crying. Anne Marie with the new makeup and shoes reminds me of Brooke, because a) she's a nanny, and b) she's entirely too innocent for this competition and will break miserably under the pressure, which we'll all have to witness.

So a lot of people we didn't see got golden tickets, and we're thankfully spared the singalong montage of terrible singers and get one of decent singers instead. That then ends with crazy physics weirdo. And ooooh goodie, Archuleta country tomorrow. Thank God Lindsay will be blogging that one. :)

Ooh, Scrubs is on!

I'm hot 'cause I'm fly...

So Louisville brought us some freaks, but I was more entertained by this crowd than by the San Fran idiots. I should be asleep right now, so here's the good, bad and ugly that wrapped up our second week of auditions.

Hot 'cause they're fly:

• Matt something or other, the dueling piano guy. Let the record show that I wrote my little notebook that he was "Elliott-esque" only to have Simon say fifteen seconds later that he reminded him of Elliott. Not that me saying this proves anything, but why would I make it up? Hee! He seemed like kind of a geek, his personality was a little quirky, but I enjoyed his voice.
  
• OK, Alexis Grace might be one of my favorite contestants. First of all, she has a fiance in the military. Second of all, I love the fact that she's 21 but for real looks like she's 12. And you guys, if you pause the show on the shot of her and her man in a photo frame, that was TOTALLY taken in Pittsburgh on Mt. Washington. Wassup, PPG place in the skyline in the background!? Anyone who is from Memphis and displays a photo of themselves from the 'burgh is all right by me. Her voice could be okay, her audition was a little shouty but I think it was her nerves. If she chills out a bit, she'll be okay.
• I also loved Leneshe Young, the 19 year old who wrote her own song. I loved her because she acted like a teenager. I'm so over these precocious teens who come in and act and sing like they are in their mid-20s. Leneshe sang a song that she wrote herself which definitely used the words "thuggish ways" and she was totally cute and likeable. Plus she's got one of the sob stories they've been forcing on us (she's poor) so you know we'll see more of her.

They ain't cause they not:

• Tiffany, the first contestant with the copious amounts of silver eyeshadow? SCARYPANTS.
• Mark Mudd, the guy who told the judges to be careful? I would bet anything he has a rap sheet.
  
• Ross the Nerd, who drank out of Paula's cup? I actually felt sorry for him a little. I think he might be one of those people who is so smart, they truly don't know how to interact with the public.
• Ooh, and then there was Aaron, the guy who screamed "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?" and who thought, apparently, that he was auditioning for America's Next Top Model. And then Simon made a joke about Tyra Banks, and all was right in my world.
  

So week two of auditions are down. I am loving this twice a week and down to an hour an episode thing they've got going on here. MUCH better, Idol. Till next week...counting down the days till Group Night!

Absolut Moron

Do you guys remember those ads? Does Absolut even still do them? I don't feel like Googling that so it's up to one of you to tell me. Anyway, I was supposed to watch both episodes this week and then do one blog, but after the morons provided to us courtesy of San Francisco, I couldn't stay silent.

The Good:

• Or lack thereof. In this entire hour, there was only one person that I could even mildly tolerate and that was the Cookster doppelganger of Adam...something. I don't remember his last name, but he totally had the red David Cook bangs going on. He sang Bohemian Rhapsody and generally acted like a tool, but his voice was okay.
  
• I guess Kai (aka Troy Polamalu's brotherwith the sick mom) was okay, but I don't think he'll make it past Hollywood. He wasn't terrible, but by far not the best.
  
• Apparently, 12 peeps made it through but we only saw a montage of three of the golden tickets they handed out. And those clips were...not good, so I'm not sure why I typed this bullet.

The Bad:

• Where do I start? First of all, did anyone catch the "Paula for Prez" sign in one of the quick clips at the beginning? Please just allow that idea to drift through your head...Paula Abdul, as president. I can tell you right now, we'd have seen a LOT more craziness than Aretha Franklin's hat at Abdul's inauguration.
  
• The first two auditions. Tatiana, who somehow made it to Hollywood, and that guy in the bad jacket who looked like a Geico caveman.
  
• You know what I think is really bad? I never noticed before how they put people's job occupations on the same lower third (how'd you like that, A/V people?) as they put their name, hometown, etc. There is just something really sad to me about seeing these losers come in and try to sing with a big old "UNEMPLOYED" plastered over their midsection. Come on, Idol, give these peeps a break.

The BATSHIT:

• I am devoting this entire section to Akilah. I have never loved an Idol tryout as much as I loved Akilah's. First, allow me to describe her ensemble. For her audition, she decided to wear: shredded jeans, held up by suspenders, tucked into plastic-looking knee length ho boots, what appeared to be some sort of 80s graphic tee under a shiny black puffy coat. Got that? Also, I really wish someone out there besides me watched America's Next Top Model, because not since Jade, cycle six of ANTM, has there been a reality show contestant who can make up words on the spot. Words like "tray-she-ah" (or trachea, LOL) "acapellaly" and and "larninx". FAB. She seriously talks about 90 words a minute and brings in hundreds of pages of what she claims to be her own original music compositions and many, MANY diagrams of the human body. Akilah is fantastic.

So basically, San Fran blew. Tonight is Louisville, and then hopefully we've only got two more hours next week of audition footage. Also, you guys, important news: GROUP NIGHT IS BACK. I about cried for joy at the previews from last Wednesday's episode. I cannot wait to recap that shit. Anyway, we out, we out, play on, playette. No diggity, no doubt.

Weekly Recap: Phoenix, Kansas City Auditions

Well, folks, we are officially back. Ryan's hair is still perfectly coiffed; Randy still makes so sense when he opens his mouth; Simon is still bored as hell with this job; and Paula is still bat-shit crazy. But hey, we have a new judge! We have half naked girls! We have the requisite freaks and sob stories! Ladies and gentlemen, this.......................... is American Idol.

The good:

• Guys, I love Kara. Lindsay & I conversed during Tuesday's show that we probably have a girl crush developing on the chick. She is a welcome addition to our already crazy panel of judges, and I kind of loved her girl power stance with Paula during Bikini Girl's audition. More on that later.
• The opening montage on Tuesday night. Clay Aiken before and after. And then after again, with the weirdo "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" dude. Chris Daughtry getting his golden ticket. Ryan Seacrest and his frosted tips getting crushed between two Studdards. Carrie Underwood, pre-Tony Romo. Elliott and his mom. Cookster saving season 7 from the depths of Sanjaya-like-suckiness... oh man, I'm going to cry. I love this show so much.
• They picked a post-haircut photo of the Cookster for the audition backdrop. THANK GOD. I couldn't stand looking at the skeevy bangs for the next few weeks.
• Stevie Knight (she's got the Katharine McPhee factor without being so obnoxious) and Alex Wagner-Trugman (referred to as "Elliott Jr." from now on) were my favorites from Phoenix.
• Overall, though, Kansas City was much more impressive than Phoenix. We had an avalanche of sob stories to put ourselves through, but gasp! They were actually great singers! My favorites were Danny "I just tragically lost my wife" Gokey and his BFF Jamar Rogers, Lil "A tornado blew away my apartment but I still have a gorgeous husband and beautiful children" Rounds, and India "My sister and I should have our own TV show" Morrison, even though her voice was no where near others in this episode.

The bad:

• Bikini Girl. Guys, what the hell. I'm not even going to perpetuate her 15 minutes of fame by discussing her further. I did, however, love Kara's spunk. Kara was right... that girl was terrible, and I really hope she's not going to be a focal point of Hollywood Week. Or, if she is, I hope her breakdown is front and center. 
• I'm already sick of the bad auditions. Thankfully, they did tone down the freaks aspect this year, and the bad auditions weren't as mean-spirited as in the past. But when you show such a small percentage of the people who actually won a golden ticket, it's still painful to sit through the people who clearly have no shot.
• People who tell us they're the greatest singers you've ever heard before they even step in the room. We know by now they will be awful. Lil Rounds, who has an incredible voice, was amazed when the judges told her so. That is talent, that is class, and that is exactly who we should be watching on this God-forsaken show.
• And let me step on my soapbox for a second: I fully get the mean-spirited nature of the audition rounds. And no one forced these people to embarrass themselves on national television. However, is it really necessary to show an absolutely atrocious high school girl being humiliated? Producers, did you go to high school? Do you know how terrible teenagers are? The poor 17-year-0ld multi-colored-hair girl who crashed and burned during her audition is going to be tormented today at school. I find that a little repulsive. 

The Castro:

• Yes, kiddies, there is another Castro brother! And he's just as stoned as Jason! We are forced to sit through a painful reminder than Jason was even on this show to begin with, and then another, more painful segment in which the Castro brothers make Seacrest even more awkward than he usually is. And then Castro 2.0 actually makes it through to Hollywood. Please, judges. I beg of you. Do not unleash another Castro on the world. I don't think we're strong enough to handle it twice.

And, with that, we're off running. Who will be the next Cookster, and who will go the way of KLC? Only time will tell. :)

GO STEELERS!!!!!!

We're baaaaack!

Seacrest, Cowell, and the gang return tonight, and so do we. Tirelessly providing you with recaps, reviews, and pop culture references week after week for the duration of Season 8 of American Idol. It's a tough job, but hey, someone has to do it. ;)

In honor of the New Year, MSHBB has a few resolutions for the new season. Lindsay will attempt to not hate all female contestants immediately on sight. Brenna will not judge anyone too quickly, even if they have greasy bangs and look like they'd stare in your window at night. We resolve to give every Sanjaya, Kristy Lee, and Castro a fair trial.... heck, who are we kidding on that one. No we don't.

Weekly recaps will be posted during the audition rounds, with nightly recaps resuming once we have the finalists. Here's hoping this season will be as suckingly glorious as every other. Happy viewing!!