How could we expect anything good in the land that brought us Archuleta? Although I will admit, the snippet of his first audition did remind me of why I thought I would like him in the beginning, but just...no.
Anyway, let's get down to business. First up is...one of the Osmonds. Oh shit, I didn't even write down his first name. LOL. Whoops. Sorry! Anyway, out comes this Osmond, who has multiple sclerosis and up until not very long ago, couldn't even get out of his wheelchair. Wow! I'm impressed so far. Also, he's kind of hot. He sings...something, and he sounds a lot like Clay. A LOT. If I shut my eyes, it could almost be Clay. He gets through, and I'm pretty sure his girlfriend is a stripper. It would have been f'ing awesome if he sang "I'm in Love (Wit a Stripper)."
ALSO: Bren and I were texting back and forth saying he looks like someone and we're not sure who. My response was "An Osmond?" but if you know who he looks like, comment us.
I'm fast forwarding through "Goth Girl" and this montage of all the crazypants. And, we've gotten to my worst nightmare. A giant, GIANT bearded man in a pink rabbit suit. Seriously, WHY? Does he have some unfulfilled desire to be Ralphie from A Christmas Story? There is no excuse for a grown-ass man to walk around in public like that. I hate that they even gave him airtime. Shudder.
OK, this bit after the commercial with everyone mocking Archuleta for being all polite and "gee willikers!" is kind of hilarious. I fast forward to what is apparently a montage of really sucky people all being polite to the judges. 10 bucks that half of those auditions did not take place in Salt Lake City. And now we've come to Sarah Silverman. I really hope she sings "I"m F'ing Matt Damon"...oh wait, it's not Sarah, it's Frankie something and she has a really cute baby. And she...sings like Amy Winehouse. Oh man, I bet we're going to get a shit load of those this year.
And I'm right. Here comes Megan, who really needs a haircut and is getting divorced. I'm sorry, but when you've got people whose spouses have died and who have learned to walk again after battling MS, you've got to do a lot better than "My marriage didn't work out." I fast-forwarded her a bit, so maybe I missed some backstory here. Megan's audition is interesting, I suppose, if a bit in that Amy Winehouse/Lily Allen/Duffy vein.
OH my God, you guys...the second coming of Archuleta, thy name is Austin. He's 17, the president of the student body, and comes in spewing all kinds of crap about wanting to be on American Idol to inspire people. In his audition, he actually sings a Raffi song. RAFFI. If you guys aren't familiar, may I introduce you to Wikipedia. Anyway, Austin comes in all spiky blond hair and a "rock" tee shirt that he picked up at the local Pac-Sun and...forget it, I'm just bitter. If ths kid makes it to the top 12, Seacrest help us all.
Here comes Taylor, another teenage girl who is six feet tall and is wearing a tiny wee vest. Taylor is from some island that I didn't catch and her parents apparently relocated to the States so she and her siblings could get famous. Nice. Her parents should call up the Spears and Simpson families and ask how that worked out. Her voice is okay, I don't really think it's anything that special, but the judges all love all over her, and she's through.
Finally we have Rose the 17-year-old hippie, and after hearing her story, Megan from earlier should be embarassed. Rose's parents both died within two years of each other, and she's moved in with her best friend's family. Man. The judges all love Rose on sight, and her voice is...weird. It's not really bad, but it's not great and it kind of sounds like she's singing with her teeth clenched. They put her through, and OMG...HER FEET. ARE. DISGUSTING. Did you see the bottoms of her f'ing feet?! FILTHY. GOD. Rose, I get it. You're a hippie, shoes are restraining, damn the man, but that is just not sanitary. Bleeeechhhhhhhhhh.
On that pleasant note, I'm out for the night! Tomorrow is the LAST night of auditions, YAY, and then it's on to Hollywood for some crying, bitching, group-night drama'ing goodness! Can't wait!
2 comments:
Ahhh - truer words have never been spoken. I went to college with 15,000 Austins. It was The Twilight Zone every day. Scavenger hunt dates and Sadie Hawkins dances every week. CRAZY.
I was thisclose to texting Bren re: the Osmond, but I didn't know if she was DVR-ing or not. I mean, is it really fair to have an Osmond on AI? Can't Uncle Donnie get him a record deal? Or at least a guest singing spot on Dancing With The Stars????
But then he won me over. And his Dad was a cutie. Damn you two for being the reason behind me watching this show!!! ;-)
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