BURNED OUT

All I have to say is, thank GOD tonight was finally the last audition episode. I really just don't understand the people who watch this show solely for this portion of it. This many delusional people and freaks and creeps all at one time...it's exhausting and not even funny. That being said, tonight's episode is a double-city one, featuring NYC and San Juan, Puerto Rico.

After a bunch of random montages of nothing, we meet Adeola, who I swear, you guys, I thought her name said Areola when I first saw it. Adeola is what I like to refer to as "disguised crazy." For example, when you first lay eyes on her, you think, "cute enough, good smile, decent personality, isn't dressed like a tranny." She's also able to form coherent sentences which is rare for this show.

But then as she keeps talking, we find out she quit her job because she just has SO much faith in herself, she just knows she's going to make it to Hollywood. And that's when you start wondering if maybe you were wrong about her. And then she opens her mouth to "sing" and it's bad. Really, really terrible. At least Simon calls her boss and gets her job back.

Fast forward through Jorge, who sounds exactly like Enrique Iglesias to Jessika, who comes with a posse of groupies all dressed in pink. This is the sign of "obvious crazy". See also: has entered over SEVEN HUNDRED singing contests and claims that's where she gets her income. LOL and she's a "waitress at a 50s cafe"--can you imagine this girl serving you fries while singing, like, "Mr. Sandman"? She shouts a Celine Dion song at everyone and it's really bad and then we have to listen to her beg and cry for a bajillion years. NEXT.

Bringing us to a montage of crying losers saying how this isn't the end for them (it so is) and we've come to Melinda, who fancies herself some sort of free spirit. AGAIN WITH THE NOT WEARING OF THE SHOES. Honestly, if you want to be a hippie, that's totally cool. But is a pair of effing plastic flip flops going to hamper your spirit that badly?! Get the hemp kind if you have to, but for the love of God, WEAR SHOES. That is just not sanitary. Also: please put your boobs away, Melinda.

Can I sidebar here for a second and say how it's my absolute favorite thing when Simon baits these contestants? Like here when he asks her absolutely deadpan if being naked is how she sees herself helping the world, and telling her to imagine Randy naked. Priceless. Simon Cowell is effing hilarious. Anyway, Melinda sings "Feelin' Good", and she does have a very nice voice, so she's got that going for her.

Up next is Jackie, who may be one of my favorites. She needs a complete makeover, for reals (check it: her belt buckle SAYS HER NAME) but her voice and performance style have completely won me over. She sings "I'm Yours" with all sorts of crazy things all over the place. Simon makes her sing in her natural voice, which is really nice too, even though she is what I would classify as an "ugly" singer. Her face is not pretty when she sings, but that's okay. Love her. And she handles the incident of the panels behind the judges crashing down exactly the way I would have: by laughing her ass off in their faces.

Subtitled montage of crap, freak montage and then we've got San Juan and NYC's resident AI freak audition. It pisses me off so bad that these idiots get airtime. The San Juan guy comes in and acts like an asshole with a giant cutout of an iPod and then we get to NYC to "Norman Gentle", okay. This guy...just trying way too hard and really annoying, not funny and they put him through!! Come ON, show!

Of course following that, we get a very brief montage of goodness, meaning we won't ever see those people again until they make the semifinals. Up next we've got Monique who brought her little brother. I am so tired of people pimping out their families in the audition room. The kid's cute and pretty funny, but enough's enough. So Monique sings two songs and I don't really think she is that bad. She barely makes it through by the skin of her teeth, which pisses me off even more that they gave Norman Gentle a freaking golden ticket.

Crazy Alexis Cohen is back, and if you don't remember her audition from Season 7, just watch this. I'm pleased to report that not much has changed. Alexis still can't sing and is still crazy, but at least has a new hairdo and got rid of the glitter.

Our last contestant is Patricia. She came with her massive family who are all dancing and playing various musical intruments. Fun! Cool fact: her parents got married in the same place where the auditions are taking place. She's really cute and fun and I hope she's good. And she's...okay. Again with the shouting of the diva songs (Celine, now Whitney). They give her 30 seconds to try again, and she tones it down and sings something much prettier in Spanish. She's through, and her family goes insane.

FINALLY it's Hollywood week on Tuesday!! Bren will recap the first night of madness. Until then, enjoy your weekend and the SUPER BOWL!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!