Yee haw, readers. We're in Dallas tonight, at the massive temple to football that Jerry Jones felt the need to build. (How ridic is that stadium though?? I wanna see a game there.) Wonder if Tony Romo will audition with his rendition of Don't Stop Believin'.
Let's play count the Texas cliches. Cowboys cheerleaders? Check. Simon doing his Clint Eastwood impression? Check. Country music, cowboy hats, & oxen? Check, check, & check.
OMG, they play the Doogie Howser theme song for NPH's introduction!!! I am so excited he is here to be our guest judge tonight. I basically want NPH (along with K-Chen) to be my best friend and sit around drinking beer and singing Broadway songs together. That's basically my dream in life. Side note: if I ever auditioned for NPH, I'd have a hard time trying to decide whether to sing You Just Got Slapped or Sandcastles in the Sand.
The first girl, Julie, apparently auditioned in season 1 in Dallas, and she's just as bad this time as she was then. (By the way, they keep showing flashbacks to the season 1 Dallas audition, and it is hilarious. Simon's hair was OUT OF CONTROL.) NPH's facial expressions during this whole ordeal are amazing. I really enjoy the guest judges' first exposure to weirdos, since Simon, Kara, & Randy are so jaded by now.
The next audition, Lloyd Thomas, has the best line so far when he says "What's the worst part of the job that I have? The job that I have." He's awesome, with two gorgeous daughters, and he sings a Stevie Wonder jam. He has a smooth little Ruuuuuuuben type voice, but not nearly as refined. (He might be almost as large as Ruuuuuuben too.) And he totally vibes with the judges. I really like Lloyd! He obviously gets through, and well-deservedly so.
Whooooa the next girl to audition is totally wearing stripper heels. Wow. Kimberly Carver is singing her own song (stop doing that, people) and she's actually quite talented. Simon for some weird reason doesn't like her, but NPH is like "hell to the no, she's going to Hollywood."
Up next is a weirdo named Dexter who winks at the camera 85 times and then struts the hell into the audition room. He's so bad I don't have the words to describe it. It literally takes me until the chorus of his song to even recognize what he's singing. He's gone. Montage of crying girls. Seacrest interviews NPH. NPH, call me!
The next auditioner was once on Barney. Um... ok. Her name is Erica and she's now dressed as a dominatrix. I'm seriously freaked out by this girl. OMG, now she's singing the I love you, you love me song... I need another glass of wine. She then starts singing Free Your Mind and snapping her whip all around. Her voice isn't awful, so I feel like maybe she'd be kinda good if she didn't have this whole get up going on, but I can't take her seriously. Apparently every single judge does though, and she's going to Hollywood. And wow, it appears that her parents are there, and they are so effing proud. Of their daughter, who is dressed as a dominatrix. Let that sink in for a minute.
Final contestant of Dallas Day 1 is Dave Pittman. He has tourettes, but it doesn't affect him when he's singing. Wow, his voice is fantastic! Not at all what I was expecting. He kinda has an Elliott vibe. Makeover desperately needed, but I can picture him in the Top 12. He gets through easily, and I think I've got someone to cheer for. (Plus, his mom is adorable, which always gets you bonus points.)
Day 1 is done, which means no more NPH. Boo. :( Montage of our golden tickets set to Party in the USA. I'm noddin' my head like yeaaaaah. Is Dominatrix Girl this year's Bikini Girl? Based on her overexposure so far, I vote yes.
Our second guest judge is a Jonas brother. I don't bother figuring out which one, to me they're all interchangeable. The first audition is Todrick and he sings a song about... himself. His voice is pretty good, but I'm too distracted by the dumb lyrics basically begging them all to send him to Hollywood. Which they do.
We get about 8 seconds of a few people who got golden tickets, until we reach Megan Wright's audition. She has a fantastic raspy jazzy voice, easily wins over the judges, and then her massive entourage almost tackles Seacrest. Fabulous.
Wow, the next girl is really hyper. Her name is Vanessa and she is singing At Last. I use the term "singing" very lightly, because it's as bad as you're probably imagining. We then get a montage of what makes Simon so miserable, leading to our last Dallas audition. Her name is Christian Spear, and she was diagnosed with cancer when she was a child. She has been in remission for eight years, so yay. She's pretty good, the judges love her (is the Jonas mute, by the way? I've barely noticed him), and she's obviously through to Hollywood.
31 golden tickets were awarded in Dallas, making it I think the most successful city yet. That's all for tonight! Lindsay will take care of you next Tuesday in Denver since a) she wants to cover Posh and b) I'm waaaaaay too busy with the Lost premiere. Till then!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
L.A. Confidential
Where are we this week? L.A. and someplace? All these auditions are starting to run together. I know tonight is Avril/Katy Perry night. I don't know how I feel about dual guest judges, but we'll see. Avril has on a stupid hoodie with devil horns, which seems about right.
The beginning of this show is the same as every audition city, so I'll cut right to the chase. Our first audition is an overdramatic nerd named Neil with terrible hair and a bad vest. His hair kind of looks like Carol Brady's, no? He auditions with a Meatloaf song--OMG remember when Meatloaf performed on the finale with Kat McPhee??? WORST finale performance ever. Anyway, Neil freaks out and forgets the words and basically sucks. Moving on.
After the commercials, we have here Jim Ranger, who is from California and is a worship pastor. He has a really cute family and seems like a really nice guy. He is singing a song he wrote, which makes me nervous....those never go over well. This song is actually appropriate and showcases his voice really well, though. Avril's contribution to judging seems to be repeating back facts about the contestants and commenting about how hard it is on the road. Anyway, Neil's through and he and his family are stoked.
Montage of crap, including a guy who auditioned with Kung Fu Fighting, officially making him my hero. We segue from that into Damian, who is a martial artist. His moves kind of look made up though, like they aren't actually martial arts. And I think his audition is going to suck. It's the most painful version of the Righteous Brothers I've ever seen. KTHXBAI Damian.
We're almost halfway through the show now. Up next is Mary, who has a really funny daughter. She likes Simon because "he's the only negativity one"--come on, you can't write that shit. Love it. She auditions with Pat Benetar and sounds a lot like her which means she didn't really make it her own I guess. LOL. Good voice but trying too hard with her looks, etc. She's kind of like Amanda Overmeyer but less miserable maybe? And with slightly better hair.
We get a montage now of people who are trying to be the next Adam Lambert, which is so lame. That's like the year after Blake went and everyone came on trying to beatbox. And I am CONVINCED one of the guys in this montage is Daniel Franco, who appeared on not one but TWO seasons of Project Runway. Biff are you reading today? Did you see that guy?? The one who said if Adam and Susan Boyle had a baby, he would be it?
Anyway, up next we have a guy named Jay who supposedly sent a demo to Adam, and he had "nothing but fantastic things to say." Yeah right, buddy. Also his voice is kind of annoying. Wow, it's really annoying. Go away, kid. You lose. And now he's swearing and acting like a douche. Awesome.
After the break, we have Katy Perry as the second half guest judge. I still think "I Kissed A Girl" is a terrible song but I'm crazy about the Vegas song, so there you go. Now we have a guy named Austin in a really weird shiny striped shirt and dress pant combo. He's "singing" a Cheap Trick song with really horrific dance moves and is basically an idiot. Oh God, he thinks this is his purpose in life. Katy's face is priceless through this whole ordeal. NEXT.
HAHAHA and just she asked if they are frisked before they come in there, and I think she was serious....OK, that comment alone just made me love Katy Perry.
Montage of shitty, crying, crazy people follows. OMG I think one of them was the Sanjaya crying girl....it totally was!!! HAHAHAHA. Please view this if you aren't familiar with her.
Next is Andrew Garcia. He is a dad and has a really cute kid and a wife/girlfriend with terrible, scary hair. Blah blah, I'm doing this for my son, blah blah, my parents were in gangs, yadda yadda. Get to the audition! He sings Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" which is one of my favorite songs. He sounds really good. I like him. Randy's going to be totally down with this guy and throw him in the Dawg Pound. Andrew's totally moving on. I think his glasses are stupid though.
Does anyone else think Katy Perry kind of looks like a blow up doll? No? Just me?
Back after the break, we come in with Tasha. She is a personal assistant/minister, which I think may be the first time we've EVER heard that job combo on Idol. She sings a Joss Stone song and gets really into it. She's pretty good, really cute, totally personable. I love Tasha a little bit. She's through to Hollywood week. Aww, and I think she brought her dad to her audition.
Up next is the guy we've all seen on the previews who makes Katy Perry feel dirty. His name is Jason, and he's uber creepy and kind of looks like a girl a little bit. Of COURSE he's singing "I Touch Myself"...of course. I hate this guy. I hate the show for wasting our time with him. I hate the BJ humor that follows. I hate that he hits on both Katy Perry AND Ryan. Leave Ryan alone. NEXT.
Back after the break, montage of Katy Perry saying no to all kinds of people when Kara wants to put them through. I love her even more now that she's standing up to Kara. Remember when we loved Kara, Brenna?
Last contestant is a sob story named Chris Golightly. He grew up in foster care and has been with over 25 different families. Wow, that's really rough. He has really bad bleached Justin Guarini hair, though, so I'm having a problem getting past his personal style. I hope his voice is good. He auditions with "Stand By Me" and is pretty good, if not super original. I think he could have a lot of potential. He's through to Hollywood.
22 people made it through from this round. Montage of people getting tickets, and like we say every week, would have been nice if we could have seen them. Tomorow night is the Dallas audition with Neil Patrick Harris and a Jonas Brother. I don't know which one that was, sorry. Brenna will take you through it. See you then!
The beginning of this show is the same as every audition city, so I'll cut right to the chase. Our first audition is an overdramatic nerd named Neil with terrible hair and a bad vest. His hair kind of looks like Carol Brady's, no? He auditions with a Meatloaf song--OMG remember when Meatloaf performed on the finale with Kat McPhee??? WORST finale performance ever. Anyway, Neil freaks out and forgets the words and basically sucks. Moving on.
After the commercials, we have here Jim Ranger, who is from California and is a worship pastor. He has a really cute family and seems like a really nice guy. He is singing a song he wrote, which makes me nervous....those never go over well. This song is actually appropriate and showcases his voice really well, though. Avril's contribution to judging seems to be repeating back facts about the contestants and commenting about how hard it is on the road. Anyway, Neil's through and he and his family are stoked.
Montage of crap, including a guy who auditioned with Kung Fu Fighting, officially making him my hero. We segue from that into Damian, who is a martial artist. His moves kind of look made up though, like they aren't actually martial arts. And I think his audition is going to suck. It's the most painful version of the Righteous Brothers I've ever seen. KTHXBAI Damian.
We're almost halfway through the show now. Up next is Mary, who has a really funny daughter. She likes Simon because "he's the only negativity one"--come on, you can't write that shit. Love it. She auditions with Pat Benetar and sounds a lot like her which means she didn't really make it her own I guess. LOL. Good voice but trying too hard with her looks, etc. She's kind of like Amanda Overmeyer but less miserable maybe? And with slightly better hair.
We get a montage now of people who are trying to be the next Adam Lambert, which is so lame. That's like the year after Blake went and everyone came on trying to beatbox. And I am CONVINCED one of the guys in this montage is Daniel Franco, who appeared on not one but TWO seasons of Project Runway. Biff are you reading today? Did you see that guy?? The one who said if Adam and Susan Boyle had a baby, he would be it?
Anyway, up next we have a guy named Jay who supposedly sent a demo to Adam, and he had "nothing but fantastic things to say." Yeah right, buddy. Also his voice is kind of annoying. Wow, it's really annoying. Go away, kid. You lose. And now he's swearing and acting like a douche. Awesome.
After the break, we have Katy Perry as the second half guest judge. I still think "I Kissed A Girl" is a terrible song but I'm crazy about the Vegas song, so there you go. Now we have a guy named Austin in a really weird shiny striped shirt and dress pant combo. He's "singing" a Cheap Trick song with really horrific dance moves and is basically an idiot. Oh God, he thinks this is his purpose in life. Katy's face is priceless through this whole ordeal. NEXT.
HAHAHA and just she asked if they are frisked before they come in there, and I think she was serious....OK, that comment alone just made me love Katy Perry.
Montage of shitty, crying, crazy people follows. OMG I think one of them was the Sanjaya crying girl....it totally was!!! HAHAHAHA. Please view this if you aren't familiar with her.
Next is Andrew Garcia. He is a dad and has a really cute kid and a wife/girlfriend with terrible, scary hair. Blah blah, I'm doing this for my son, blah blah, my parents were in gangs, yadda yadda. Get to the audition! He sings Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" which is one of my favorite songs. He sounds really good. I like him. Randy's going to be totally down with this guy and throw him in the Dawg Pound. Andrew's totally moving on. I think his glasses are stupid though.
Does anyone else think Katy Perry kind of looks like a blow up doll? No? Just me?
Back after the break, we come in with Tasha. She is a personal assistant/minister, which I think may be the first time we've EVER heard that job combo on Idol. She sings a Joss Stone song and gets really into it. She's pretty good, really cute, totally personable. I love Tasha a little bit. She's through to Hollywood week. Aww, and I think she brought her dad to her audition.
Up next is the guy we've all seen on the previews who makes Katy Perry feel dirty. His name is Jason, and he's uber creepy and kind of looks like a girl a little bit. Of COURSE he's singing "I Touch Myself"...of course. I hate this guy. I hate the show for wasting our time with him. I hate the BJ humor that follows. I hate that he hits on both Katy Perry AND Ryan. Leave Ryan alone. NEXT.
Back after the break, montage of Katy Perry saying no to all kinds of people when Kara wants to put them through. I love her even more now that she's standing up to Kara. Remember when we loved Kara, Brenna?
Last contestant is a sob story named Chris Golightly. He grew up in foster care and has been with over 25 different families. Wow, that's really rough. He has really bad bleached Justin Guarini hair, though, so I'm having a problem getting past his personal style. I hope his voice is good. He auditions with "Stand By Me" and is pretty good, if not super original. I think he could have a lot of potential. He's through to Hollywood.
22 people made it through from this round. Montage of people getting tickets, and like we say every week, would have been nice if we could have seen them. Tomorow night is the Dallas audition with Neil Patrick Harris and a Jonas Brother. I don't know which one that was, sorry. Brenna will take you through it. See you then!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Most boring episode in Idol history.
I apologize in advance is this is a particularly uninspired entry. I'm exhausted from my first attempt at hot yoga, I have reading for my class tomorrow, and basically it was just a terrible episode. Plus, I still have Pants on the Ground stuck in my head. But... Kristen effing Chenoweth is our guest judge. She is a goddess. I adore her.
The first terrible audition Kristen has to sit through is some weirdo who seems to be channeling Lady Gaga with some glitter and feathers on his face. He's one of those who just won't get the hint & keeps going & of course we have to sit through every painful moment. This is only the fourth audition show & already I'm over the psychos. Make it stop. To be honest, I stop paying attention to a lot of what follows, except to notice that Kara & Kristen have become BFFs, making me wish for the first (and last) time in my life that I was Kara Dioguardi.
The producers completely manipulate my emotions for the next guy, Seth something or other, by a) showing his absolutely adorable children and b) playing "Fix You" by Coldplay, which usually makes me cry, and then he c) sings my favorite song ever for his audition. Seth is actually pretty fantastic, without being annoying at all. The judges all adore him & he's easily through.
There seems to be an awful lot of dumb filler tonight, especially for an hour show. Was Orlando really that bad? We finally get to Jermaine Purifoy, who is auditioning for the show for the second time. He has a pretty good R&B type voice, which Kara strangely calls "honest." Simon tells him the chicks will love him. Kristen just sits there exuding amazingness without even lifting a finger.
Geez, the sob stories are out in full force in Orlando tonight. The next girl, Shelby Dressel, has some kind of nerve issue that I didn't really pay attention to. She's adorable, has an average voice, forgets her lyrics, and then swears. Randy offers no criticism whatsoever in his incoherent babbling. Can we kick him off the panel & put K-Chen there permanently? For some bizarre reason, they all like her, and she gets a golden ticket. Apparently 18 people are heading to Hollywood, even though we saw, what, two of them? So annoying.
Apparently Kristen could only participate on day #1, so sadly she's gone. Seriously, Idol? You tease me with that little Kristen and then take away her awesomeness? So. Sad. I'm going to go listen to this for awhile. And yet next week I have to sit through Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry. So. not. fair.
Ohhhhhh man, Jay Stone is in there doing his best Blake Lewis impression with some weird beatbox version of "Come Together." I think I can speak for Lindsay when I say HELL TO THE NO. There is only one Blake in the eyes of MSHBB. Kara is like "I missed Blake the first time around, so heck yes." Jay actually then rolls into "Ain't No Sunshine" with a half decent voice, and of course Kara & Randy ruin it by attempting to beatbox themselves. What the hell is going on?! OMG, then Jay actually says he's bringing something new & different to the competition. Um..... right. He actually gets through. I hate him already.
Montage of a few girls who can actually sing... some dude named Cornelius who sings Proud Mary, does a split, then splits his pants & actually gets through... can you tell I'm bored by this episode? Annoying sisters from New Jersey who do annoying New Jersey stuff in annoyingly bright colored outfits. Both of them get through, and you know they're gonna crash & burn in Hollywood.
Jarrod Norrell sings a terrible rendition of "Amazing Grace." Kara is all like "really? you're terrible." Jarrod then refuses to believe them, keeps singing, & it all gets to the point where security handcuffs him. I'm so bored by this all that I'm really not even paying attention anymore. It annoys me that I have to sit through this shit when we barely got to see any singers who were actually good tonight.
Our next audition, Matthew Laurence, actually robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15 & went to jail. Wow. He also sings a pretty kick ass version of "Trouble" which is quite impressive. He's got that Taylor Hicks soul patrol vibe without actually being Taylor Hicks, so thank God for that. Of course the judges all love him.
And that's it. What an uneventful evening. I'm spent.
The first terrible audition Kristen has to sit through is some weirdo who seems to be channeling Lady Gaga with some glitter and feathers on his face. He's one of those who just won't get the hint & keeps going & of course we have to sit through every painful moment. This is only the fourth audition show & already I'm over the psychos. Make it stop. To be honest, I stop paying attention to a lot of what follows, except to notice that Kara & Kristen have become BFFs, making me wish for the first (and last) time in my life that I was Kara Dioguardi.
The producers completely manipulate my emotions for the next guy, Seth something or other, by a) showing his absolutely adorable children and b) playing "Fix You" by Coldplay, which usually makes me cry, and then he c) sings my favorite song ever for his audition. Seth is actually pretty fantastic, without being annoying at all. The judges all adore him & he's easily through.
There seems to be an awful lot of dumb filler tonight, especially for an hour show. Was Orlando really that bad? We finally get to Jermaine Purifoy, who is auditioning for the show for the second time. He has a pretty good R&B type voice, which Kara strangely calls "honest." Simon tells him the chicks will love him. Kristen just sits there exuding amazingness without even lifting a finger.
Geez, the sob stories are out in full force in Orlando tonight. The next girl, Shelby Dressel, has some kind of nerve issue that I didn't really pay attention to. She's adorable, has an average voice, forgets her lyrics, and then swears. Randy offers no criticism whatsoever in his incoherent babbling. Can we kick him off the panel & put K-Chen there permanently? For some bizarre reason, they all like her, and she gets a golden ticket. Apparently 18 people are heading to Hollywood, even though we saw, what, two of them? So annoying.
Apparently Kristen could only participate on day #1, so sadly she's gone. Seriously, Idol? You tease me with that little Kristen and then take away her awesomeness? So. Sad. I'm going to go listen to this for awhile. And yet next week I have to sit through Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry. So. not. fair.
Ohhhhhh man, Jay Stone is in there doing his best Blake Lewis impression with some weird beatbox version of "Come Together." I think I can speak for Lindsay when I say HELL TO THE NO. There is only one Blake in the eyes of MSHBB. Kara is like "I missed Blake the first time around, so heck yes." Jay actually then rolls into "Ain't No Sunshine" with a half decent voice, and of course Kara & Randy ruin it by attempting to beatbox themselves. What the hell is going on?! OMG, then Jay actually says he's bringing something new & different to the competition. Um..... right. He actually gets through. I hate him already.
Montage of a few girls who can actually sing... some dude named Cornelius who sings Proud Mary, does a split, then splits his pants & actually gets through... can you tell I'm bored by this episode? Annoying sisters from New Jersey who do annoying New Jersey stuff in annoyingly bright colored outfits. Both of them get through, and you know they're gonna crash & burn in Hollywood.
Jarrod Norrell sings a terrible rendition of "Amazing Grace." Kara is all like "really? you're terrible." Jarrod then refuses to believe them, keeps singing, & it all gets to the point where security handcuffs him. I'm so bored by this all that I'm really not even paying attention anymore. It annoys me that I have to sit through this shit when we barely got to see any singers who were actually good tonight.
Our next audition, Matthew Laurence, actually robbed a bank with a BB gun when he was 15 & went to jail. Wow. He also sings a pretty kick ass version of "Trouble" which is quite impressive. He's got that Taylor Hicks soul patrol vibe without actually being Taylor Hicks, so thank God for that. Of course the judges all love him.
And that's it. What an uneventful evening. I'm spent.
What ABOUT my bottom end??
Am I the only one who totally thought THE OPRAH would have been a judge in Chicago? I mean, we've had way less qualified people serve as guest judges, not to mention another talk show host with no discernible musical background is sitting on the panel permanently (we miss you, Paula!). I don't know, maybe it would have been distracting...people probably would have thought they were getting a car or something just for auditioning.
OMG, in season five, Chicago was the audition city for the infamous Brittenum twins, aka the reason for which our blog is named. Obligatory Obama clip, with crowd shots of auditioners chanting "Yes We Can"....because becoming president and auditioning for American Idol are the same, apparently? God.
Anywaaaaaay, we're here in Chicago for a merciful one-hour long episode, featuring Shania Twain as our guest judge. To which I say....meh. Shania's okay, I guess. Simon's hitting on her, so there's that. First up is a girl named Katelyn/Caitlin/Kaetlinn, I don't know. Sob story is her parents are getting divorced. She's singing a Duffy song. I like her voice, she's gorgeous and Simon's looking at her like he wants to devour her, so she's totally through.
We're back after the break. Weird clip of some tour guide telling us all the nicknames of Chicago. Who cares, buddy? Up next is an annoying girl named Amy who has something purple exploding out of her head. And apparently has a crush on Ryan....oh, I could die of barfness. She's just as terrible as I imagined she would be. Go away, Amy and never come back.
Up next is a 16-year old named Charity who looks way too innocent to be on this show. They'll mess you up, Charity! She sings a lovely version of "Summertime." The judges love her, she's on her way to Hollywood. I really don't have anything else to say about her, LOL.
Break's over and we're back with a montage of crappy auditions and idiots. OK, I wish they had shown more of the guy in the purple jacket singing Tom Jones, because he cracked my shit up. Apparently this was the end of day one, and we cut to people swearing and flipping off the camera. Oh and someone's mom telling off Simon...how original, like we haven't seen that before, lady.
Cut to the Philly auditions two years ago, or last year, to a girl named Angela Martin who tried out after her dad died. Oh okay so she came back last year too but had a traffic violation or something, so she had to leave Hollywood. Yikes. I like Angela. I think I liked her before. She has potential, but could go the way of Lil Rounds if she isn't careful.
Montage of people getting golden tickets. I wish we could see a few of these auditions, for the love of GOD. Oh there's Katelyn again and her hair.
After the commercial, we get a guy named Curly who is terrible and a girl named Alannah who is terrible, then a weird silent movie montage of people getting no verdicts.
Oh god, here's Brian from Pittsburgh. He was in the army and claims he used to sing for the troops. He gives a terrible, horribly embarassing Tiny Tim audition. I would just like to write a disclaimer and say that in general, most people from Pittsburgh are normal and not weird jackasses. Sure, there are some natives that I'd rather not claim (I'm looking at you, Mark Cuban--also, sorry Shana :P) but please don't judge all of us by this weirdo. GO AWAY, BRIAN.
God. After the break, we get Rocky music leading us into the next guy. Harold Davis, from Chicago, claims he's singing an Usher song, but it of course sounds nothing like the version we all know. He also has on a stupid shirt and a hat and blames his bad audition on allergies. I hate Harold. NEXT.
Another montage of crappy people, set to a Shania song. After the crapfest, we have John Park, a nice looking college kid with some unfortunate hair. Shania compliments his "bottom end", which embarasses everyone involved. Hilarious. I like John. He has a nice voice, he's cute, good personality. Shania is so annoying. I wish she'd stop twirling those strings from her top around. Anyway, John's through to Hollywood, so yay.
After the break, we have Paige, the sob story they've been previewing through the whole episode. She has asthma, and almost died from it when she was 15. She auditions with a Sam Cooke song, and is okay, but not 100% great or all that original. Simon gives her a flat-out no, the girls give her critiques but say yes, and of course the Dawg puts her through. She'll probably get cut in Hollywood, sorry ya'll.
Up last we have Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones. Justin shouts a lot, Keith is raspy and has Cookster hair and Marcus is kind of shouty too. All three make it to Hollywood. Based on my past preferences, I'll probably be rooting for Keith if he makes it past Hollywood, haha.
My DVR cut off, so I didn't get to see the preview for Wednesday, but I know it's Orlando and Kristen Chenoweth is the judge. Brenna will be blogging that episode, due to her undying worship of KChen. :) After this week, auditions are halfway over! Can I get a PANTS ON THE GROUND?? WOO!
OMG, in season five, Chicago was the audition city for the infamous Brittenum twins, aka the reason for which our blog is named. Obligatory Obama clip, with crowd shots of auditioners chanting "Yes We Can"....because becoming president and auditioning for American Idol are the same, apparently? God.
Anywaaaaaay, we're here in Chicago for a merciful one-hour long episode, featuring Shania Twain as our guest judge. To which I say....meh. Shania's okay, I guess. Simon's hitting on her, so there's that. First up is a girl named Katelyn/Caitlin/Kaetlinn, I don't know. Sob story is her parents are getting divorced. She's singing a Duffy song. I like her voice, she's gorgeous and Simon's looking at her like he wants to devour her, so she's totally through.
We're back after the break. Weird clip of some tour guide telling us all the nicknames of Chicago. Who cares, buddy? Up next is an annoying girl named Amy who has something purple exploding out of her head. And apparently has a crush on Ryan....oh, I could die of barfness. She's just as terrible as I imagined she would be. Go away, Amy and never come back.
Up next is a 16-year old named Charity who looks way too innocent to be on this show. They'll mess you up, Charity! She sings a lovely version of "Summertime." The judges love her, she's on her way to Hollywood. I really don't have anything else to say about her, LOL.
Break's over and we're back with a montage of crappy auditions and idiots. OK, I wish they had shown more of the guy in the purple jacket singing Tom Jones, because he cracked my shit up. Apparently this was the end of day one, and we cut to people swearing and flipping off the camera. Oh and someone's mom telling off Simon...how original, like we haven't seen that before, lady.
Cut to the Philly auditions two years ago, or last year, to a girl named Angela Martin who tried out after her dad died. Oh okay so she came back last year too but had a traffic violation or something, so she had to leave Hollywood. Yikes. I like Angela. I think I liked her before. She has potential, but could go the way of Lil Rounds if she isn't careful.
Montage of people getting golden tickets. I wish we could see a few of these auditions, for the love of GOD. Oh there's Katelyn again and her hair.
After the commercial, we get a guy named Curly who is terrible and a girl named Alannah who is terrible, then a weird silent movie montage of people getting no verdicts.
Oh god, here's Brian from Pittsburgh. He was in the army and claims he used to sing for the troops. He gives a terrible, horribly embarassing Tiny Tim audition. I would just like to write a disclaimer and say that in general, most people from Pittsburgh are normal and not weird jackasses. Sure, there are some natives that I'd rather not claim (I'm looking at you, Mark Cuban--also, sorry Shana :P) but please don't judge all of us by this weirdo. GO AWAY, BRIAN.
God. After the break, we get Rocky music leading us into the next guy. Harold Davis, from Chicago, claims he's singing an Usher song, but it of course sounds nothing like the version we all know. He also has on a stupid shirt and a hat and blames his bad audition on allergies. I hate Harold. NEXT.
Another montage of crappy people, set to a Shania song. After the crapfest, we have John Park, a nice looking college kid with some unfortunate hair. Shania compliments his "bottom end", which embarasses everyone involved. Hilarious. I like John. He has a nice voice, he's cute, good personality. Shania is so annoying. I wish she'd stop twirling those strings from her top around. Anyway, John's through to Hollywood, so yay.
After the break, we have Paige, the sob story they've been previewing through the whole episode. She has asthma, and almost died from it when she was 15. She auditions with a Sam Cooke song, and is okay, but not 100% great or all that original. Simon gives her a flat-out no, the girls give her critiques but say yes, and of course the Dawg puts her through. She'll probably get cut in Hollywood, sorry ya'll.
Up last we have Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones. Justin shouts a lot, Keith is raspy and has Cookster hair and Marcus is kind of shouty too. All three make it to Hollywood. Based on my past preferences, I'll probably be rooting for Keith if he makes it past Hollywood, haha.
My DVR cut off, so I didn't get to see the preview for Wednesday, but I know it's Orlando and Kristen Chenoweth is the judge. Brenna will be blogging that episode, due to her undying worship of KChen. :) After this week, auditions are halfway over! Can I get a PANTS ON THE GROUND?? WOO!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
PANTS. ON. THE GROUND.
Here are the three things I know about the city of Atlanta:
1) Usher
2) Most aggravating airport ever
3) Coca-Cola
So I'm not going to be as helpful with the city references as Brenna was yesterday with Boston, but here we go!
OK, this audition set up is awesome. The contestants have to ride an elevator up 27 floors, walk out and audition, then ride back down. I really hope we have an elevator cam installed to capture everyone's insanity when they get rejected. Also Mary J. Blige is the guest judge. Remember when poor Elliott had to sing that U2 song with her at the finale that one time and she completely took over the whole thing? What a rip off for Elliott.
This first guy is related to the person who started Gladys Knight and the Pips, I think he said? Or something. That doesn't necessarily mean you can sing, but who knows. Stranger things have happened, right? Oh God, he's singing his own original song...aaaaaand train wreck. Simon interrupts him about 12 times to ask about the title of the song and if it's supposed to be a duet. He's awful. We are spending way too much time on this guy....MOVE ON, everyone.
After the break, we get a crappy guy who makes MJB crack up, a random cheerleading squad and a girl named Kia who claims she won "Miss Congeniality" in a beauty contest. She has on ridiculous neon yellow leggings AS PANTS--HELL NO, KIA. She's singing, in her words, "the Titanic song." She doesn't sound too terrible...I'd give her just an okay. Everyone really likes her personality, and she gets four votes through, which actually kind of shocked me.
Montage of good people and OH GOD...the first audition with that terrible freaking Miley Cyrus song. Kill me now. Wow, some girl with giant, GIANT earrings got a yes--the judges must have been blinded by her jewelry.
Now we've got our first sob story. His name is Jermaine and he's a church singer. He takes care of his mom who has spina bifida. And he's auditioning with a Joan Osbourne song, how random. Simon makes that face he makes when he really likes someone but doesn't want to show it...you guys know what I mean. I love Jermaine, for real, though. He does a lot of those runs that are kind of distracting but I think if he just sang for real, he would be AWESOME.
Break's over and we're already through day one already, apparently. Good, speed through this shit. I hate auditions. Up next we have a really, really, REALLY annoying girl named Kristy Marie who is a TV show host/producer for a local Atlanta TV show. She busts out with this horrific rendition of "Love is a Battlefield", and it's awful. She looks like a total ass. OMG hahaha Mary J HAAAATES her. They rip that bandaid off pretty quick and send her back downstairs.
Montage of shitty people and the elevator cam...yessss. They should do this in every city during the audition round. Oh ouch, the cheerleader didn't make it, and she has a whole damn squad there to see her fail.
The last audition of this day is Vanessa from Tennessee who "jumps bridges." Why are people weird??? Seriously, it's not that hard to...not jump off a bridge. OK, I think she might be poor, so now I feel bad for making fun of her. She's kind of like Kellie Pickler, but way sadder and without as much personality. I have never even heard of the song she's singing, but the voice that comes out of her is not what I'm expecting. She kind of breaks my heart a little, and I think she's going to get eaten alive in Hollywood, but I'm glad for her.
Day Two: we start off with some poor guy named Jesse who claims he's almost died three times, and of course Idol has to mock that with a "cheap dramatization" complete with hick music. Nice, show. He actually kind of looks like Bucky Covington but with really short hair. Aww, Bucky. Oh man, and Jesse's never sung in public before. MJB is trying to hide her laughing fit by pretending to cry.
And this kind of shit is why I kind of hate this show sometimes. Seriously, this guy probably doesn't have a lot going on in his life, and he seems like a decent human being, he's not a cocky idiot who is trying to argue with them...just send him on his way without laughing in his face.
Montage of rejects and breakdowns set to a Garth Brook song. LOL I love when the parents get all involved and call Simon an ass and stuff.
After the break, we get a montage of the introduction of instruments to Idol, which is a segue to the weird girl who is dressed as a freaking guitar. I hate this girl already. Simon already looks over it. And she sounds like the Pick. Her name is Holly, and she puts on freaking guitar sunglasses to sing some song by Loretta Lynn. She doesn't have a terrible voice, but she's annoying as hell. OMG I love Mary J right now, she voted no. I hope we lose her in Hollywood.
Montage of crappy people, including some weird redheaded guy singing the Mulan song and a guy wearing a shirt that says "Britney Spears Changed My Life"--I might love that guy.
Up next is Mallorie, from South Dakota, and I love her name. She auditions with "Piece of My Heart" and she kind of countrifies it and it sounds awesome. She's so cute too! I heart you Mallorie, call me! Everyone loves her, and MJB is the first to say it. Four yeses and she's through. Then we get a montage of good people getting golden tickets, which pisses me off that we aren't seeing their actual auditions.
I cannot believe there is still a half an hour of this show left at this point. Which is probably the equivalent of three auditions and the rest commercials. Up next we have some weirdo who calls himself Skiboski? I don't even know if I'm spelling that right. He's got some kind of crazy design cut into his hair, and he's dancing with the guitar girl, so I already hate him.
The thing is, he's not THAT bad, and if he dropped the annoying act and stupid catchphrases, I could maybe get on board with him. He's just a stupid character, and I don't watch this show for characters. Also he's maybe hitting on Mary J? I can't even tell what the hell his deal is. Go away, Skiboski. Is he this year's Norman Gentle???? Please tell me he's not.
A pair of Southern Belle BFFs are up next. Their names are Carmen and Lauren and are both in full pageant makeup like whoa, and the one really needs to fix her eyebrows. The show lets them audition together, of course. They are both terrible, in my opinion. But Carmen gets through and Lauren doesn't, so I vote that they are no longer BFFs, yes? I think Lauren didn't get through because of her janked up eyebrows.
How did I blog before without a laptop? Best thing ever. This entry is totally just a stream of consciousness happening while I'm watching the ep. After the break, we get a montage of crap so bad that MJB can't even control herself during it and just spontaneously shouts "Oh my God!" I love how Simon just leaves at random points during the auditions.
Up next is a dorky looking cop named Bryan who actually says "I'm going to sing Superstar in the style of Ruben Studdard." Best sentence ever uttered in an audition. Wow, this guy is pretty good. He's our fake out of the episode, the one who looks like he'd be sucky but is really great. Good for Bryan, we'll see you in Hollywood.
OK, here's the psycho they've been showing on the promos. He's got weirdly shaved eyebrows and is apparently stalking Mary J, or something. He literally is SCREAMING "Kiss from a Rose" in his audition, and I wish I weren't watching this live so I could fast forward. And I'm cracking up so bad because Adam was passed out asleep on the couch, and the first note of this guy was so loud, it jolted him awake. I'm not going to recap all his bullshit, but yeah: he's the worst. So bad that MJB actually thought he was going to pull a gun on her. WOW.
Finally, we're at the last ATL audition. And it's some old dude named Larry who is singing his own song called "Pants on the Ground." And despite myself and everything I believe about this show, I laughed my ass off at this audition. You know Larry's crazy ass will be back at the finale singing this song as he receives his Golden Idol. Lookin' like a FOOL with your PANTS on the GROUND!
So 25 are through to Hollywood and we saw what? Eight of them? Not good odds there, show, but getting better.
On a more serious note, our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone and anyone affected by the tragedy in Haiti.
Chicago next week, and one of us will be there to take you through it. See you then!
1) Usher
2) Most aggravating airport ever
3) Coca-Cola
So I'm not going to be as helpful with the city references as Brenna was yesterday with Boston, but here we go!
OK, this audition set up is awesome. The contestants have to ride an elevator up 27 floors, walk out and audition, then ride back down. I really hope we have an elevator cam installed to capture everyone's insanity when they get rejected. Also Mary J. Blige is the guest judge. Remember when poor Elliott had to sing that U2 song with her at the finale that one time and she completely took over the whole thing? What a rip off for Elliott.
This first guy is related to the person who started Gladys Knight and the Pips, I think he said? Or something. That doesn't necessarily mean you can sing, but who knows. Stranger things have happened, right? Oh God, he's singing his own original song...aaaaaand train wreck. Simon interrupts him about 12 times to ask about the title of the song and if it's supposed to be a duet. He's awful. We are spending way too much time on this guy....MOVE ON, everyone.
After the break, we get a crappy guy who makes MJB crack up, a random cheerleading squad and a girl named Kia who claims she won "Miss Congeniality" in a beauty contest. She has on ridiculous neon yellow leggings AS PANTS--HELL NO, KIA. She's singing, in her words, "the Titanic song." She doesn't sound too terrible...I'd give her just an okay. Everyone really likes her personality, and she gets four votes through, which actually kind of shocked me.
Montage of good people and OH GOD...the first audition with that terrible freaking Miley Cyrus song. Kill me now. Wow, some girl with giant, GIANT earrings got a yes--the judges must have been blinded by her jewelry.
Now we've got our first sob story. His name is Jermaine and he's a church singer. He takes care of his mom who has spina bifida. And he's auditioning with a Joan Osbourne song, how random. Simon makes that face he makes when he really likes someone but doesn't want to show it...you guys know what I mean. I love Jermaine, for real, though. He does a lot of those runs that are kind of distracting but I think if he just sang for real, he would be AWESOME.
Break's over and we're already through day one already, apparently. Good, speed through this shit. I hate auditions. Up next we have a really, really, REALLY annoying girl named Kristy Marie who is a TV show host/producer for a local Atlanta TV show. She busts out with this horrific rendition of "Love is a Battlefield", and it's awful. She looks like a total ass. OMG hahaha Mary J HAAAATES her. They rip that bandaid off pretty quick and send her back downstairs.
Montage of shitty people and the elevator cam...yessss. They should do this in every city during the audition round. Oh ouch, the cheerleader didn't make it, and she has a whole damn squad there to see her fail.
The last audition of this day is Vanessa from Tennessee who "jumps bridges." Why are people weird??? Seriously, it's not that hard to...not jump off a bridge. OK, I think she might be poor, so now I feel bad for making fun of her. She's kind of like Kellie Pickler, but way sadder and without as much personality. I have never even heard of the song she's singing, but the voice that comes out of her is not what I'm expecting. She kind of breaks my heart a little, and I think she's going to get eaten alive in Hollywood, but I'm glad for her.
Day Two: we start off with some poor guy named Jesse who claims he's almost died three times, and of course Idol has to mock that with a "cheap dramatization" complete with hick music. Nice, show. He actually kind of looks like Bucky Covington but with really short hair. Aww, Bucky. Oh man, and Jesse's never sung in public before. MJB is trying to hide her laughing fit by pretending to cry.
And this kind of shit is why I kind of hate this show sometimes. Seriously, this guy probably doesn't have a lot going on in his life, and he seems like a decent human being, he's not a cocky idiot who is trying to argue with them...just send him on his way without laughing in his face.
Montage of rejects and breakdowns set to a Garth Brook song. LOL I love when the parents get all involved and call Simon an ass and stuff.
After the break, we get a montage of the introduction of instruments to Idol, which is a segue to the weird girl who is dressed as a freaking guitar. I hate this girl already. Simon already looks over it. And she sounds like the Pick. Her name is Holly, and she puts on freaking guitar sunglasses to sing some song by Loretta Lynn. She doesn't have a terrible voice, but she's annoying as hell. OMG I love Mary J right now, she voted no. I hope we lose her in Hollywood.
Montage of crappy people, including some weird redheaded guy singing the Mulan song and a guy wearing a shirt that says "Britney Spears Changed My Life"--I might love that guy.
Up next is Mallorie, from South Dakota, and I love her name. She auditions with "Piece of My Heart" and she kind of countrifies it and it sounds awesome. She's so cute too! I heart you Mallorie, call me! Everyone loves her, and MJB is the first to say it. Four yeses and she's through. Then we get a montage of good people getting golden tickets, which pisses me off that we aren't seeing their actual auditions.
I cannot believe there is still a half an hour of this show left at this point. Which is probably the equivalent of three auditions and the rest commercials. Up next we have some weirdo who calls himself Skiboski? I don't even know if I'm spelling that right. He's got some kind of crazy design cut into his hair, and he's dancing with the guitar girl, so I already hate him.
The thing is, he's not THAT bad, and if he dropped the annoying act and stupid catchphrases, I could maybe get on board with him. He's just a stupid character, and I don't watch this show for characters. Also he's maybe hitting on Mary J? I can't even tell what the hell his deal is. Go away, Skiboski. Is he this year's Norman Gentle???? Please tell me he's not.
A pair of Southern Belle BFFs are up next. Their names are Carmen and Lauren and are both in full pageant makeup like whoa, and the one really needs to fix her eyebrows. The show lets them audition together, of course. They are both terrible, in my opinion. But Carmen gets through and Lauren doesn't, so I vote that they are no longer BFFs, yes? I think Lauren didn't get through because of her janked up eyebrows.
How did I blog before without a laptop? Best thing ever. This entry is totally just a stream of consciousness happening while I'm watching the ep. After the break, we get a montage of crap so bad that MJB can't even control herself during it and just spontaneously shouts "Oh my God!" I love how Simon just leaves at random points during the auditions.
Up next is a dorky looking cop named Bryan who actually says "I'm going to sing Superstar in the style of Ruben Studdard." Best sentence ever uttered in an audition. Wow, this guy is pretty good. He's our fake out of the episode, the one who looks like he'd be sucky but is really great. Good for Bryan, we'll see you in Hollywood.
OK, here's the psycho they've been showing on the promos. He's got weirdly shaved eyebrows and is apparently stalking Mary J, or something. He literally is SCREAMING "Kiss from a Rose" in his audition, and I wish I weren't watching this live so I could fast forward. And I'm cracking up so bad because Adam was passed out asleep on the couch, and the first note of this guy was so loud, it jolted him awake. I'm not going to recap all his bullshit, but yeah: he's the worst. So bad that MJB actually thought he was going to pull a gun on her. WOW.
Finally, we're at the last ATL audition. And it's some old dude named Larry who is singing his own song called "Pants on the Ground." And despite myself and everything I believe about this show, I laughed my ass off at this audition. You know Larry's crazy ass will be back at the finale singing this song as he receives his Golden Idol. Lookin' like a FOOL with your PANTS on the GROUND!
So 25 are through to Hollywood and we saw what? Eight of them? Not good odds there, show, but getting better.
On a more serious note, our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone and anyone affected by the tragedy in Haiti.
Chicago next week, and one of us will be there to take you through it. See you then!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.
Well, hello readers! Has it really been eight months? What an eight months it has been. Paula is out and Ellen is in. Simon is soon to be out. Lambert is more ridiculous than he was in May, and Kris is perhaps even more adorable. Carrie is marrying a hockey player. (Go Carrie!) Cookster is growing his bangs back again. (Please, nooooo.) So it's good to know some things never change. Seacrest will always be awkwardly endearing. Kara and Randy will continue to offer no discernible criticism whatsoever. And MSHBB will be watching every second, mostly so you don't have to waste your time. :)
Did you miss that theme song? I know I did! Hey, look, they're in Boston! I take personal offense when Seacrest refers the town as a "city of champions," to which I say google that phrase and see what comes up. Hey, look, there's a Red Sox hat! No one ever wears those there.
Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, is our celebrity guest judge tonight. Damn, she's tiny. We get our first psycho right off the bat, who I'm pretty sure refers to herself as "wicked awesome," making me wish I could delay my return to Massachusetts a little bit longer. I don't even bother writing her name down because I'm literally staring at the television with my jaw dropped. This girl then thinks Kara is Paula and only knows Posh as "Beckham's wife." She then says "wicked awesome" and OHMYGODMAKEITSTOP.
Maddy Curtis is our next contestant. She's 16, and her family has adopted several children with down syndrome, and she's singing "Hallelujah," so this HAS to be a good one. (FYI, she's from Vermont and is totally wearing Birkenstock sandals. Idol is singlehandedly proving stereotypes tonight.) Anyways, Maddy is fantastic, even if she desperately needs a makeover. She gets our first golden ticket of the night, and she's incredibly gracious and not annoying at all, which means she'll never survive Hollywood week.
I'd like to pause for a moment and tell you all that the backdrop is awesome this year, as our two most prominent Idols are one Kris Allen and one David Cook. In the words of the dumbass that auditions next, HOLLER. The next few girls all get through, but I don't have time to write down their names, because God forbid this show ever give us the good auditions to watch when we have the psychos.
The next guy is 28, and is just now auditioning, giving me hope for next season. :) His name is something absurdly Italian and he has a huge Italian family and he sort of screams but Kara is all like "AMEN BROTHER!" They let him through and his crazy Italian family almost suffocates Seacrest, and it's almost as good as when Ruuuuuuuuuben and his brother crushed him.
I'm calling this next guy Yanni, cuz they're showing him with the wind blowing in his hair and they're playing some Enya crap and he butchers some Elton John and I'm done with this shit already and it's a half hour into the first season and OMG SIMON PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AWAY FROM US. Another audition, another freak, this time a weird anime girl who totally would've been in ARGO. She has apparently been to "hundreds" of auditions, so at that point you'd think she'd get the hint. Wrong. I beg you, America, stop telling people who can't sing that they can. Spare us all the pain.
I'm calling it right now, barring any Hollywood Week breakdown, Luke Shaffer is going to be a favorite of mine. They show about 30 seconds of him, because obviously we have to devote 10 minutes to the douchebag who pisses of Kara. Next.
Ashley Rodriguez has fabulous red high heels and a fantastic voice to go with them. Kara calls her sultry and Randy is like "yeaaah sultryyy," which makes things a little awkward. She obviously makes it through and Posh compliments her style, so well done, Ashley. She'll be one to watch.
The next guy up is Tyler something. He's dressed like he just stepped out of 1971, he's a drummer, and he fell out of a tree and broke both of his wrists. I'm expecting him to be awful but then... damn, he can actually sing. Kara pretty much falls off her chair as he sings "Let's Get It On" as Posh is sitting there thinking "I'm sleeping with David Beckham but this guy sounds good." Tyler goes to Hollywood. I think I like him.
After a weird American history lesson, we get Lisa Olivero, who claims she's better than most of the people on the show, which obviously means she's terrible. Even worse, she's butchering "Vision of Love," bringing back bad memories of Bikini Girl. To be honest, I'm distracted by googling Bradley Cooper because I have a female friend who didn't know who he was. Tragic.
Our next guy is Mike Davis, who works on the Codzilla and sings "Yesterday" and is actually pretty good and omg, he asks out Kara and he's only 18. Fabulous. Simon is already bored with this season, as he just gets up and leaves. Mike gets through, and you better believe if he doesn't make it to the finals I'm taking a ride on the Codzilla this spring to look for him.
Annnnnd cue the girl who takes care of a grandparent. There's gotta be one every year. Her name is Katie Stevens, and she's 16, and she's singing one of my favorite songs with the voice of someone twice her age. Wow. This girl is totally in the finals. Our next guy, Joshua something or other, has a nice voice and a nice look and is basically just way too nice, so the judges try to make him mean with little success. They let him through pretty much because of his niceness. To make up for showing the nice guy, they then make us suffer through a montage of terrible, awkward auditions.
Justin Williams is our next guy up, and he begins by telling us that a) he was doing a mission in Spain and b) had cancer. He is now cancer free and cute, so yay. His voice is interesting and fantastic and he has the most amazing blue eyes and I think Simon is a little turned on by him. The judges all love him, and he gets through, and then I realize.... shit, he's totally this year's Gokey. Tragic backstory? Check. Appealing to moms? Check. Loved by judges? Check. I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be sick of him by March.
At this point I'm pretty much over the bad auditions. Some dude with big black hair and a glittery silver vest tries singing Cascada. Epic fail.
Bosa Mora's parents are from Nigeria, and I can already tell his mom is awesome. As is his voice. Posh defends him when Simon gets cranky. Bosa gets a golden ticket, and he's adorable and grateful and his parents are THE CUTEST EVER.
Finally! The end is in sight. Our last audition of the night belongs to Leah Laurenti, who desperately needs a new dress but has a voice like whoa. It's very old fashioned and jazzy. The judges adore her, naturally, and she gets the last golden ticket of the night.
So, with that, season 9 is off and running! Lindsay takes over tomorrow, when auditions head to Atlanta. I'm wicked excited. ;)
Did you miss that theme song? I know I did! Hey, look, they're in Boston! I take personal offense when Seacrest refers the town as a "city of champions," to which I say google that phrase and see what comes up. Hey, look, there's a Red Sox hat! No one ever wears those there.
Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, is our celebrity guest judge tonight. Damn, she's tiny. We get our first psycho right off the bat, who I'm pretty sure refers to herself as "wicked awesome," making me wish I could delay my return to Massachusetts a little bit longer. I don't even bother writing her name down because I'm literally staring at the television with my jaw dropped. This girl then thinks Kara is Paula and only knows Posh as "Beckham's wife." She then says "wicked awesome" and OHMYGODMAKEITSTOP.
Maddy Curtis is our next contestant. She's 16, and her family has adopted several children with down syndrome, and she's singing "Hallelujah," so this HAS to be a good one. (FYI, she's from Vermont and is totally wearing Birkenstock sandals. Idol is singlehandedly proving stereotypes tonight.) Anyways, Maddy is fantastic, even if she desperately needs a makeover. She gets our first golden ticket of the night, and she's incredibly gracious and not annoying at all, which means she'll never survive Hollywood week.
I'd like to pause for a moment and tell you all that the backdrop is awesome this year, as our two most prominent Idols are one Kris Allen and one David Cook. In the words of the dumbass that auditions next, HOLLER. The next few girls all get through, but I don't have time to write down their names, because God forbid this show ever give us the good auditions to watch when we have the psychos.
The next guy is 28, and is just now auditioning, giving me hope for next season. :) His name is something absurdly Italian and he has a huge Italian family and he sort of screams but Kara is all like "AMEN BROTHER!" They let him through and his crazy Italian family almost suffocates Seacrest, and it's almost as good as when Ruuuuuuuuuben and his brother crushed him.
I'm calling this next guy Yanni, cuz they're showing him with the wind blowing in his hair and they're playing some Enya crap and he butchers some Elton John and I'm done with this shit already and it's a half hour into the first season and OMG SIMON PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AWAY FROM US. Another audition, another freak, this time a weird anime girl who totally would've been in ARGO. She has apparently been to "hundreds" of auditions, so at that point you'd think she'd get the hint. Wrong. I beg you, America, stop telling people who can't sing that they can. Spare us all the pain.
I'm calling it right now, barring any Hollywood Week breakdown, Luke Shaffer is going to be a favorite of mine. They show about 30 seconds of him, because obviously we have to devote 10 minutes to the douchebag who pisses of Kara. Next.
Ashley Rodriguez has fabulous red high heels and a fantastic voice to go with them. Kara calls her sultry and Randy is like "yeaaah sultryyy," which makes things a little awkward. She obviously makes it through and Posh compliments her style, so well done, Ashley. She'll be one to watch.
The next guy up is Tyler something. He's dressed like he just stepped out of 1971, he's a drummer, and he fell out of a tree and broke both of his wrists. I'm expecting him to be awful but then... damn, he can actually sing. Kara pretty much falls off her chair as he sings "Let's Get It On" as Posh is sitting there thinking "I'm sleeping with David Beckham but this guy sounds good." Tyler goes to Hollywood. I think I like him.
After a weird American history lesson, we get Lisa Olivero, who claims she's better than most of the people on the show, which obviously means she's terrible. Even worse, she's butchering "Vision of Love," bringing back bad memories of Bikini Girl. To be honest, I'm distracted by googling Bradley Cooper because I have a female friend who didn't know who he was. Tragic.
Our next guy is Mike Davis, who works on the Codzilla and sings "Yesterday" and is actually pretty good and omg, he asks out Kara and he's only 18. Fabulous. Simon is already bored with this season, as he just gets up and leaves. Mike gets through, and you better believe if he doesn't make it to the finals I'm taking a ride on the Codzilla this spring to look for him.
Annnnnd cue the girl who takes care of a grandparent. There's gotta be one every year. Her name is Katie Stevens, and she's 16, and she's singing one of my favorite songs with the voice of someone twice her age. Wow. This girl is totally in the finals. Our next guy, Joshua something or other, has a nice voice and a nice look and is basically just way too nice, so the judges try to make him mean with little success. They let him through pretty much because of his niceness. To make up for showing the nice guy, they then make us suffer through a montage of terrible, awkward auditions.
Justin Williams is our next guy up, and he begins by telling us that a) he was doing a mission in Spain and b) had cancer. He is now cancer free and cute, so yay. His voice is interesting and fantastic and he has the most amazing blue eyes and I think Simon is a little turned on by him. The judges all love him, and he gets through, and then I realize.... shit, he's totally this year's Gokey. Tragic backstory? Check. Appealing to moms? Check. Loved by judges? Check. I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be sick of him by March.
At this point I'm pretty much over the bad auditions. Some dude with big black hair and a glittery silver vest tries singing Cascada. Epic fail.
Bosa Mora's parents are from Nigeria, and I can already tell his mom is awesome. As is his voice. Posh defends him when Simon gets cranky. Bosa gets a golden ticket, and he's adorable and grateful and his parents are THE CUTEST EVER.
Finally! The end is in sight. Our last audition of the night belongs to Leah Laurenti, who desperately needs a new dress but has a voice like whoa. It's very old fashioned and jazzy. The judges adore her, naturally, and she gets the last golden ticket of the night.
So, with that, season 9 is off and running! Lindsay takes over tomorrow, when auditions head to Atlanta. I'm wicked excited. ;)
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