L.A. Confidential

Where are we this week? L.A. and someplace? All these auditions are starting to run together. I know tonight is Avril/Katy Perry night. I don't know how I feel about dual guest judges, but we'll see. Avril has on a stupid hoodie with devil horns, which seems about right.

The beginning of this show is the same as every audition city, so I'll cut right to the chase. Our first audition is an overdramatic nerd named Neil with terrible hair and a bad vest. His hair kind of looks like Carol Brady's, no? He auditions with a Meatloaf song--OMG remember when Meatloaf performed on the finale with Kat McPhee??? WORST finale performance ever. Anyway, Neil freaks out and forgets the words and basically sucks. Moving on.

After the commercials, we have here Jim Ranger, who is from California and is a worship pastor. He has a really cute family and seems like a really nice guy. He is singing a song he wrote, which makes me nervous....those never go over well. This song is actually appropriate and showcases his voice really well, though. Avril's contribution to judging seems to be repeating back facts about the contestants and commenting about how hard it is on the road. Anyway, Neil's through and he and his family are stoked.

Montage of crap, including a guy who auditioned with Kung Fu Fighting, officially making him my hero. We segue from that into Damian, who is a martial artist. His moves kind of look made up though, like they aren't actually martial arts. And I think his audition is going to suck. It's the most painful version of the Righteous Brothers I've ever seen. KTHXBAI Damian.

We're almost halfway through the show now. Up next is Mary, who has a really funny daughter. She likes Simon because "he's the only negativity one"--come on, you can't write that shit. Love it. She auditions with Pat Benetar and sounds a lot like her which means she didn't really make it her own I guess. LOL. Good voice but trying too hard with her looks, etc. She's kind of like Amanda Overmeyer but less miserable maybe? And with slightly better hair.

We get a montage now of people who are trying to be the next Adam Lambert, which is so lame. That's like the year after Blake went and everyone came on trying to beatbox. And I am CONVINCED one of the guys in this montage is Daniel Franco, who appeared on not one but TWO seasons of Project Runway. Biff are you reading today? Did you see that guy?? The one who said if Adam and Susan Boyle had a baby, he would be it?

Anyway, up next we have a guy named Jay who supposedly sent a demo to Adam, and he had "nothing but fantastic things to say." Yeah right, buddy. Also his voice is kind of annoying. Wow, it's really annoying. Go away, kid. You lose. And now he's swearing and acting like a douche. Awesome.

After the break, we have Katy Perry as the second half guest judge. I still think "I Kissed A Girl" is a terrible song but I'm crazy about the Vegas song, so there you go. Now we have a guy named Austin in a really weird shiny striped shirt and dress pant combo. He's "singing" a Cheap Trick song with really horrific dance moves and is basically an idiot. Oh God, he thinks this is his purpose in life. Katy's face is priceless through this whole ordeal. NEXT.

HAHAHA and just she asked if they are frisked before they come in there, and I think she was serious....OK, that comment alone just made me love Katy Perry.

Montage of shitty, crying, crazy people follows. OMG I think one of them was the Sanjaya crying girl....it totally was!!! HAHAHAHA. Please view this if you aren't familiar with her.

Next is Andrew Garcia. He is a dad and has a really cute kid and a wife/girlfriend with terrible, scary hair. Blah blah, I'm doing this for my son, blah blah, my parents were in gangs, yadda yadda. Get to the audition! He sings Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning" which is one of my favorite songs. He sounds really good. I like him. Randy's going to be totally down with this guy and throw him in the Dawg Pound. Andrew's totally moving on. I think his glasses are stupid though.

Does anyone else think Katy Perry kind of looks like a blow up doll? No? Just me?

Back after the break, we come in with Tasha. She is a personal assistant/minister, which I think may be the first time we've EVER heard that job combo on Idol. She sings a Joss Stone song and gets really into it. She's pretty good, really cute, totally personable. I love Tasha a little bit. She's through to Hollywood week. Aww, and I think she brought her dad to her audition.

Up next is the guy we've all seen on the previews who makes Katy Perry feel dirty. His name is Jason, and he's uber creepy and kind of looks like a girl a little bit. Of COURSE he's singing "I Touch Myself"...of course. I hate this guy. I hate the show for wasting our time with him. I hate the BJ humor that follows. I hate that he hits on both Katy Perry AND Ryan. Leave Ryan alone. NEXT.

Back after the break, montage of Katy Perry saying no to all kinds of people when Kara wants to put them through. I love her even more now that she's standing up to Kara. Remember when we loved Kara, Brenna?

Last contestant is a sob story named Chris Golightly. He grew up in foster care and has been with over 25 different families. Wow, that's really rough. He has really bad bleached Justin Guarini hair, though, so I'm having a problem getting past his personal style. I hope his voice is good. He auditions with "Stand By Me" and is pretty good, if not super original. I think he could have a lot of potential. He's through to Hollywood.

22 people made it through from this round. Montage of people getting tickets, and like we say every week, would have been nice if we could have seen them. Tomorow night is the Dallas audition with Neil Patrick Harris and a Jonas Brother. I don't know which one that was, sorry. Brenna will take you through it. See you then!