What ABOUT my bottom end??

Am I the only one who totally thought THE OPRAH would have been a judge in Chicago? I mean, we've had way less qualified people serve as guest judges, not to mention another talk show host with no discernible musical background is sitting on the panel permanently (we miss you, Paula!). I don't know, maybe it would have been distracting...people probably would have thought they were getting a car or something just for auditioning.

OMG, in season five, Chicago was the audition city for the infamous Brittenum twins, aka the reason for which our blog is named. Obligatory Obama clip, with crowd shots of auditioners chanting "Yes We Can"....because becoming president and auditioning for American Idol are the same, apparently? God.

Anywaaaaaay, we're here in Chicago for a merciful one-hour long episode, featuring Shania Twain as our guest judge. To which I say....meh. Shania's okay, I guess. Simon's hitting on her, so there's that. First up is a girl named Katelyn/Caitlin/Kaetlinn, I don't know. Sob story is her parents are getting divorced. She's singing a Duffy song. I like her voice, she's gorgeous and Simon's looking at her like he wants to devour her, so she's totally through.

We're back after the break. Weird clip of some tour guide telling us all the nicknames of Chicago. Who cares, buddy? Up next is an annoying girl named Amy who has something purple exploding out of her head. And apparently has a crush on Ryan....oh, I could die of barfness. She's just as terrible as I imagined she would be. Go away, Amy and never come back.

Up next is a 16-year old named Charity who looks way too innocent to be on this show. They'll mess you up, Charity! She sings a lovely version of "Summertime." The judges love her, she's on her way to Hollywood. I really don't have anything else to say about her, LOL.

Break's over and we're back with a montage of crappy auditions and idiots. OK, I wish they had shown more of the guy in the purple jacket singing Tom Jones, because he cracked my shit up. Apparently this was the end of day one, and we cut to people swearing and flipping off the camera. Oh and someone's mom telling off Simon...how original, like we haven't seen that before, lady.

Cut to the Philly auditions two years ago, or last year, to a girl named Angela Martin who tried out after her dad died. Oh okay so she came back last year too but had a traffic violation or something, so she had to leave Hollywood. Yikes. I like Angela. I think I liked her before. She has potential, but could go the way of Lil Rounds if she isn't careful.

Montage of people getting golden tickets. I wish we could see a few of these auditions, for the love of GOD. Oh there's Katelyn again and her hair.

After the commercial, we get a guy named Curly who is terrible and a girl named Alannah who is terrible, then a weird silent movie montage of people getting no verdicts.

Oh god, here's Brian from Pittsburgh. He was in the army and claims he used to sing for the troops. He gives a terrible, horribly embarassing Tiny Tim audition. I would just like to write a disclaimer and say that in general, most people from Pittsburgh are normal and not weird jackasses. Sure, there are some natives that I'd rather not claim (I'm looking at you, Mark Cuban--also, sorry Shana :P) but please don't judge all of us by this weirdo. GO AWAY, BRIAN.

God. After the break, we get Rocky music leading us into the next guy. Harold Davis, from Chicago, claims he's singing an Usher song, but it of course sounds nothing like the version we all know. He also has on a stupid shirt and a hat and blames his bad audition on allergies. I hate Harold. NEXT.

Another montage of crappy people, set to a Shania song. After the crapfest, we have John Park, a nice looking college kid with some unfortunate hair. Shania compliments his "bottom end", which embarasses everyone involved. Hilarious. I like John. He has a nice voice, he's cute, good personality. Shania is so annoying. I wish she'd stop twirling those strings from her top around. Anyway, John's through to Hollywood, so yay.

After the break, we have Paige, the sob story they've been previewing through the whole episode. She has asthma, and almost died from it when she was 15. She auditions with a Sam Cooke song, and is okay, but not 100% great or all that original. Simon gives her a flat-out no, the girls give her critiques but say yes, and of course the Dawg puts her through. She'll probably get cut in Hollywood, sorry ya'll.

Up last we have Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones. Justin shouts a lot, Keith is raspy and has Cookster hair and Marcus is kind of shouty too. All three make it to Hollywood. Based on my past preferences, I'll probably be rooting for Keith if he makes it past Hollywood, haha.

My DVR cut off, so I didn't get to see the preview for Wednesday, but I know it's Orlando and Kristen Chenoweth is the judge. Brenna will be blogging that episode, due to her undying worship of KChen. :) After this week, auditions are halfway over! Can I get a PANTS ON THE GROUND?? WOO!