Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want.

Well, hello readers! Has it really been eight months? What an eight months it has been. Paula is out and Ellen is in. Simon is soon to be out. Lambert is more ridiculous than he was in May, and Kris is perhaps even more adorable. Carrie is marrying a hockey player. (Go Carrie!) Cookster is growing his bangs back again. (Please, nooooo.) So it's good to know some things never change. Seacrest will always be awkwardly endearing. Kara and Randy will continue to offer no discernible criticism whatsoever. And MSHBB will be watching every second, mostly so you don't have to waste your time. :)

Did you miss that theme song? I know I did! Hey, look, they're in Boston! I take personal offense when Seacrest refers the town as a "city of champions," to which I say google that phrase and see what comes up. Hey, look, there's a Red Sox hat! No one ever wears those there.

Posh Spice, aka Victoria Beckham, is our celebrity guest judge tonight. Damn, she's tiny. We get our first psycho right off the bat, who I'm pretty sure refers to herself as "wicked awesome," making me wish I could delay my return to Massachusetts a little bit longer. I don't even bother writing her name down because I'm literally staring at the television with my jaw dropped. This girl then thinks Kara is Paula and only knows Posh as "Beckham's wife." She then says "wicked awesome" and OHMYGODMAKEITSTOP.

Maddy Curtis is our next contestant. She's 16, and her family has adopted several children with down syndrome, and she's singing "Hallelujah," so this HAS to be a good one. (FYI, she's from Vermont and is totally wearing Birkenstock sandals. Idol is singlehandedly proving stereotypes tonight.) Anyways, Maddy is fantastic, even if she desperately needs a makeover. She gets our first golden ticket of the night, and she's incredibly gracious and not annoying at all, which means she'll never survive Hollywood week.

I'd like to pause for a moment and tell you all that the backdrop is awesome this year, as our two most prominent Idols are one Kris Allen and one David Cook. In the words of the dumbass that auditions next, HOLLER. The next few girls all get through, but I don't have time to write down their names, because God forbid this show ever give us the good auditions to watch when we have the psychos.

The next guy is 28, and is just now auditioning, giving me hope for next season. :) His name is something absurdly Italian and he has a huge Italian family and he sort of screams but Kara is all like "AMEN BROTHER!" They let him through and his crazy Italian family almost suffocates Seacrest, and it's almost as good as when Ruuuuuuuuuben and his brother crushed him.

I'm calling this next guy Yanni, cuz they're showing him with the wind blowing in his hair and they're playing some Enya crap and he butchers some Elton John and I'm done with this shit already and it's a half hour into the first season and OMG SIMON PLEASE DON'T TAKE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AWAY FROM US. Another audition, another freak, this time a weird anime girl who totally would've been in ARGO. She has apparently been to "hundreds" of auditions, so at that point you'd think she'd get the hint. Wrong. I beg you, America, stop telling people who can't sing that they can. Spare us all the pain.

I'm calling it right now, barring any Hollywood Week breakdown, Luke Shaffer is going to be a favorite of mine. They show about 30 seconds of him, because obviously we have to devote 10 minutes to the douchebag who pisses of Kara. Next.

Ashley Rodriguez has fabulous red high heels and a fantastic voice to go with them. Kara calls her sultry and Randy is like "yeaaah sultryyy," which makes things a little awkward. She obviously makes it through and Posh compliments her style, so well done, Ashley. She'll be one to watch.

The next guy up is Tyler something. He's dressed like he just stepped out of 1971, he's a drummer, and he fell out of a tree and broke both of his wrists. I'm expecting him to be awful but then... damn, he can actually sing. Kara pretty much falls off her chair as he sings "Let's Get It On" as Posh is sitting there thinking "I'm sleeping with David Beckham but this guy sounds good." Tyler goes to Hollywood. I think I like him.

After a weird American history lesson, we get Lisa Olivero, who claims she's better than most of the people on the show, which obviously means she's terrible. Even worse, she's butchering "Vision of Love," bringing back bad memories of Bikini Girl. To be honest, I'm distracted by googling Bradley Cooper because I have a female friend who didn't know who he was. Tragic.

Our next guy is Mike Davis, who works on the Codzilla and sings "Yesterday" and is actually pretty good and omg, he asks out Kara and he's only 18. Fabulous. Simon is already bored with this season, as he just gets up and leaves. Mike gets through, and you better believe if he doesn't make it to the finals I'm taking a ride on the Codzilla this spring to look for him.

Annnnnd cue the girl who takes care of a grandparent. There's gotta be one every year. Her name is Katie Stevens, and she's 16, and she's singing one of my favorite songs with the voice of someone twice her age. Wow. This girl is totally in the finals. Our next guy, Joshua something or other, has a nice voice and a nice look and is basically just way too nice, so the judges try to make him mean with little success. They let him through pretty much because of his niceness. To make up for showing the nice guy, they then make us suffer through a montage of terrible, awkward auditions.

Justin Williams is our next guy up, and he begins by telling us that a) he was doing a mission in Spain and b) had cancer. He is now cancer free and cute, so yay. His voice is interesting and fantastic and he has the most amazing blue eyes and I think Simon is a little turned on by him. The judges all love him, and he gets through, and then I realize.... shit, he's totally this year's Gokey. Tragic backstory? Check. Appealing to moms? Check. Loved by judges? Check. I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be sick of him by March.

At this point I'm pretty much over the bad auditions. Some dude with big black hair and a glittery silver vest tries singing Cascada. Epic fail.

Bosa Mora's parents are from Nigeria, and I can already tell his mom is awesome. As is his voice. Posh defends him when Simon gets cranky. Bosa gets a golden ticket, and he's adorable and grateful and his parents are THE CUTEST EVER.

Finally! The end is in sight. Our last audition of the night belongs to Leah Laurenti, who desperately needs a new dress but has a voice like whoa. It's very old fashioned and jazzy. The judges adore her, naturally, and she gets the last golden ticket of the night.

So, with that, season 9 is off and running! Lindsay takes over tomorrow, when auditions head to Atlanta. I'm wicked excited. ;)