Thank you, America.

I have never been so unexcited to find out who makes it through as I am tonight. Last night was disappointing, yo. To start off, we are shown a recap of all these people's "journeys." (I love how they use that word, journey. Like these people are climbing Mount Everest.)

Ugh, group performance. For real, doing "Closer"? Matt G. appears to be wearing an extra letterman's sweater from a HS performance of "Grease" along with a huge Chuck Bass scarf. Kalamalu is wearing a white shirt with a sparkly skinny tie SCREENPRINTED ON. Oh Lord, this is like an elevator music version of "Closer." Jeanine is dressed like a girl going to a fraternity Halloween mixer as a farmer. Nick looks incredibly uncomfortable not performing as Norman, reason #359834892 why HE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SHOW.

Let's move on.

Recap of last night. You know, Idol, we aren't the guy from "Memento." We do have a memory. Anyways, as much as a ton of people chose wrong songs last night, at least some of this week's contestants actually picked songs from this decade. (And then there's the guy who picked "Man in the Mirror." Really???) Then there's some awkward banter between Ryan and the contestants, which I don't care enough to listen to, because it's the same questions we've heard contestants answer for the past 7 seasons.

Allison is the first to the center, and if she doesn't move on, I'll be pissed. Ryan actually says "out da box." Allison is wearing fabulous red high heels, which, if anyone knows me, are my biggest weakness ever. Jesse is then called to stand next to Allison, and Welder Matt is after her. Ryan asks the judges who out of this group will make it to the top 12. Randy says Allison, duh. Jesse keeps winking and annoying me. And... Allison is through. Yay!

Next Megan and Chris come to centerstage. Then Piano Man Matt and his giant scarf, as well as Jeanine and her neverending legs, join them. Ryan asks Paula who should make it through from these four, and as usual she doesn't give a coherent answer. Ryan takes Jeanine out of contention, to absolutely no one's surprise. It's not Piano Man Matt, either, which means neither of my two early favorites have made it through yet. Crap. Kara references a Hollywood performance by Chris that we never saw, because we never knew he existed until last night, and she's in extra bitch mode tonight. There is lots of rambling, and this is why this show has to be an hour. And holy crap, Chris is through. After he sang MAN IN THE F'ING MIRROR. For real, America? And now we have to listen to this song again? Fast forward.

And now it's time for a lovely moving montage of Idol moments past... there's Seacrest getting crushed by the Studdards... the "I am your brother" guy... Kellie Pickler before she became obnoxious... Daughtry at his audition being hot... Wait a second, is this the montage they played at the beginning of this season??? It absolutely is. I remember getting sad when I saw Elliott's mom. Holy crap, Idol. That has to be the absolute laziest thing I've ever seen on TV.

And then Brooke White! I am so excited to see her. These terrible people this season have made me miss her. I hope she remembers her lyrics. She apparently has a single out, and she's going to perform it for us. It's kind of terrible.

And now we're left with Mishovanna, Kai, Nick/Norman, Adam, & Jasmine. Obviously, again to no one's surprise, Mishovanna, Kai, & Jasmine are all sent packing, and we're down to Nick/Norman and Adam. Of course. This show has become so predictable. Adam looks appalled to be standing in the vincinity of this nutjob, and rightly so. AND PRAISE THE HEAVENS ABOVE. I can't stand Adam but I have never loved another Idol contestant as much as I love him right now. Because that means that Nick/Norman is out of my life, I won't have to break up with this show, and I can continue writing this blog.

So, side note on Adam. Did anyone out there watch that Rock Star: INXS show a few years back, where INXS was trying to find a new lead singer? Um, I did. But anyways, there was this androgenous guy with sleek black hair whose name was Mig, and I swear Adam is his little brother.

Anyways, I'm not terribly thrilled about any of these 3 except Allison, though I'm not mad about any of them either. We're halfway there, people! Next week we get Arianna, Ju'Not, Kristen, NATHANIEL YESSSSSSS, Lil' Rounds, Jorge, Kendall, Scott WHO IS DANCING WITH HIS (in Joe's words) BLIND PERSON STICK, Felicia, freaking Von, Taylor, & Alex.

Trainwrecks abound.

It has come to my attention that I watch entirely too much TV. Check it: tonight's lineup includes Idol, the second half of this week's Biggest Loser, and the finale of Top Chef. Something's gotta give. Top Chef comes on so damn late, but it's the freaking finale. Although now that Fabio's gone, it's not going to be nearly as funny. Carla for the win! HOOTIE!?

Anyway, so we're got round two of the semifinals tonight. Also, this just in: people think Danny Gokey is playing the "dead wife" card. I'll be honest and say I think it's 80% producer intervention, 20% Danny intervention. Because let's face it, last season, Cookster's brother was suffering from brain cancer, and you never heard him say boo about it. And on that note, if you haven't downloaded any of the songs from his album, I enjoy the one about his brother "A Daily AntheM"--check it out.

But Danny and Cookster aren't on tonight, so let's get to the kids who are. Tonight we have Jasmine, Matt Giraud (yay!), Jeanine, Nick/Norman (gag), Allison, Kris, Megan, Matt the welder, Jesse, Kai Polamalu, Mishavonna and Adam Lambert. First up we have Jasmine, who I just adored from her first audition. She and her family are so freaking cute, she has a teenager's personality and doesn't act like she's too old and is generally charming.

Her performance...isn't. Yikes. She starts out way, WAY too low and never quite gets on track. This isn't the first time we've heard "Love Song" on this show this season, and I have to say, this isn't really a good song for Idol. The melody is really tricky and hard to nail unless you are Sara Baireilles. I don't know if it's nerves, the stress of being first out, but she is better than this song. The judges agree, and I have a feeling it's the end of the line for poor Jas. I don't even know if she'll secure a wild card spot.

Up next is dueling piano player Matt Giraud, who Bren and I both fell in love with in his audition. He decides to sing "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay, which is a risky, risky choice and is not at all in his usual wheelhouse. And...okay, this is a mess. I love Matt and will still vote for him because I know this is a one-off, but this is not good, guys. He's got this weird, shaky vibrato going on that I've never heard him do before, he can't hit the high notes and he's putting too many runs in it. The judges all tell him he should have stuck to bluesy, Ray Charles type songs, which I totally agree with...it was his Elliott-ness that made us love him! I hope he makes it through.

I hope someone I hate comes on soon so I can snark. It's hard for me to be bitchy about contestants I like. Next up is Jeanine (who?), a bartender from DC. And okay, I swear you guys, I wrote that last sentence before I watched her performance, because I write on the commercial breaks. I had no idea that Fox was going to unleash this on us after the break. So one of the only things they show us about Jeanine's personality is her tripping over the table when she found out she was in the top 36. This does not bode well.

Then, holy shit, okay, she comes out in the shortest denim shorts I have ever seen with some sort of crazy top and a sparkly blazer/tux jacket on over that. What in the hayell? And also, she totally looks like past contestant on Top Model and I can't figure out who, but that hair seriously looks like the weave that Tyra gives one of the girls every cycle. Trainwreck. She sings "This Love" by Maroon 5, and it is hideous. So terrible, in fact, that the only positive things ANY of the judges can say after she's done are comments about her appearance, which, let's face it, isn't even that great either. Dear God. Her dreams are crushed basically RIGHT IN FRONT OF US and it's awesome in a bad way. My spirit has been broken, indeed.

If Brenna and I hadn't agreed last year to not use the F word in this blog, this whole paragraph would be covered with it. Nick Marshall/Norman Gentle is up. Seriously, WHY. He gives a fairly normal interview in his Nick persona, but of course comes out as Norman to sing AGAIN "I Am Telling You", complete with a damn white tux jacket WITH TAILS over his Norman Gentle outfit. Guys, if I were Jamar, sitting at home right now watching this, I would be so freaking pissed off that I got passed over for the semifinals because of this asshole.

Of course after he's done, there's weirdness and stupidity and Ryan/Simon gay jokes, and it's all a huge waste of time. If effing America votes him through, I am done with this show. I think tonight is officially the night when Idol jumped the shark.

Up next is pink-haired Allison, the 16-year old we saw for the first time when she made it to the semis. I think Allison might be weird. She and Ryan have a totally random, stilted conversation about school, and studying, or something, and then she says she's singing "Alone" by Heart. DAMMIT. How many times do we have to tell these contestants, don't touch Heart! Carrie blew the roof off with Heart four years ago.

And yet Allison...effing KILLS IT. Dressed in an outfit that looks like a Madonna castoff from 1984, she nails this song and performance. She's got the perfect raw, raspy voice for this song. I think we have broken the Carrie curse. The judges all love it and rave about her and not one of them mentions Underwood, which to me means Allison trumped her. Best of the night by a mile.

Oooh, and we're not going to a break but directly to Kris Allen, a cutie from Arkansas. Much is made of his Hollywood week auditions, with his guitar and whatnot. Brenna posed an interesting question via text: why haven't the contestants been using their instruments in this round? Apparently they could last year. Weird. Anyway, Kris is okay, he's singing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson, which is like the most random song choice on this show ever. He has a nice enough voice, if a bit boring, and he looks weirdly like Archuleta's older brother. No jibba jabba about hopes and dreams, though.

Halfway through now, and so far...not so good. Up next is Megan Corkrey, who I vaguely remember of having the sob story of "I'm divorced"--nice try, Meg. She's singing "Put Your Records On", and it's kind of weird. She's doing weird jerky dance moves while she's singing and I think vocally it's all over the place.

And I almost flipped shit for a minute because I thought she was barefoot, and we all know my feelings on that, but she has a pair of flats on, thank GOD. Anyway, I think this whole performance was weird and not that great, but the judges apparently love her? Go figure. Allison still wins for best girl so far.

Now we have Matt "The Welder" Breitzke. He's so adorable and burly. Doesn't he totally look like one of those guys who would be all "let me pick you up!" and you'd go "no, Matt, no, you can't lift me!" and he'd be like, "no way, I can totally pick you up!" and he'd give you a giant bear hug and lift your ass right off the ground. No? Just me?

Ahem, anyway. He's singing "If You Could Only See" by Tonic, which is one of my mom's favorite songs (hi Mom!) and it's pretty good. I don't think this is terrible, but then, new definitions of the word terrible are apparently being discovered on this show. It maybe doesn't showcase his voice the best, as Randy says, but I didn't think he was as bad as they made out. Maybe his likeability factor will carry him? It's a tossup for the guys so far tonight.

Up next is Jesse Langseth who went up against, and beat, Frankie whateverherface during the sing for your life. I remember thinking she was decent. OK, she is singing "Bette Davis Eyes" and it's totally karaoke. I mean, this is what they mean by a karaoke performance. Her voice is okay, not stellar, and she's not doing anything special with the song. I'm just waiting for the lyrics to roll along behind her on the screen like we're in a bar. Also, she talks back to the judges a lot when they critique her. SHUT UP, Jesse. So annoying. Next.

It's only 9:30?! Holy bajeezus, how many more of these do we have? OK, we've got Kai Polamalu up now. I should probably learn his real last name. Kalama, then, okay. Ok right, he's the one with the sick mom. He's going to do "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted" and these people are kililng me with the long song titles tonight.

Also: we totally did this Motown medley when I was in show choir, and this song was part of it...you cannot choreograph anything to this song because it's so slow, so basically it was 48 bars of us step-touching and swaying our arms in various directions. Kai's got a nice enough voice, but it doesn't blow me away, and the most exciting thing happening on stage right now is his sparkly shirt. Kara tells him to be more contemporary and Simon throws out his first "wedding/hotel singer" analogy. Kai kind of sucks, but there's something about his sad, earnest face that just makes me feel sorry for him.

Up next is Mishavonna "Too many letters in my name" Henson. She is 18 and apparently got cut from last season in Hollywood. Meh. Also, what's with loading all the teenage girls in this week's show? She's going to sing "Drops of Jupiter" which is another hard one to sing. She does okay, it's not terrible, but not great either. She goes kind of flat on the last note. All the judges tell her she can sing well, but she's acting too old and needs to loosen up.

Also, what the hell is up with the judges and acting all shocked like, "but man, you can really sing!" No shit, Sherlock, that's the supposed point of this show, isn't it? YOU put them there because "they can really sing!" Or are all they all just backup vehicles for asshats like Norman Gentle? Sorry guys, but I am REALLY bitter about that.

Last in the pimp spot is Adam Lambert. Guyliner ABOUNDS, yo. Adam is one I have been back and forth on, so let's see how he does tonight. He's singing "Satisfaction" by the Stones, rocking a leather blazer which I THINK I mocked a contestant for wearing last season and more necklaces than even I would wear. Wow, dude, his range is insane. He's singing the low notes of the song and actually hitting them as opposed to just mumbling through the lower parts like some people do.

I think I might love this. It's over the top, but it actually made me smile, as opposed to someone else's over the top act that was supposed to make me smile, but just made me want to throw shit. (I'm sorry, SORRY, I'll try to move past it!) Kara says exactly what I'm thinking about his range, and OMG, Randy makes an effing Twilight reference. What in the hayell?

So that's it for tonight. If I had to guess who is definitely in, I would say Allison and Adam. For the third spot, it's a toss up, really. No one else blew me away, so we'll see what shakes down tomorrow. Bren will have your results! Hootie!

Karaoke Night

Ok, so because these results shows are basically pointless filler, especially at this point when we're cutting 3/4 of the people in one night, my mind tends to wander. And I started thinking about how AI is really just karaoke, but on TV and not in a smoky bar. We all know this. I mean, Kara flat out told crappy Casey last night that her performance was "weirdly karaoke."

For those of you who have been witness to GOOD karaoke, this is why you love this show. Allow me to reminisce about my own personal experience with the big K.

It's the summer of 2002, my friends and I are all 21, and we frequented our local bar every Thursday and Saturday for the entirety of June through August. Thursdays happened because a guy we graduated with tended bar on those nights, so we all went and hung out and gave him huge tips.

Saturdays were the best though, because Saturday night is Karaoke Night at the Freedom Inn in New Kensington, PA. And typical to most places with good karaoke, we had "regulars." I had to call up Megan tonight to get reminded of some of them, but on a Saturday night at the Freedom, these were the songs you could expect to hear, and it's totally an Idol semifinals playlist:

• "Don't Stop Believin'", performed by Megan, performed WELL, and usually resulting in a standing O. Sometimes she'd do "Sweet Child O Mine" too, and it was bitchin'.
  
• "Fancy", that Reba McEntyre song about becoming a ho, sung by this giant blond girl whose name we never learned.
  
• "Brandy (you're a fine girl)", performed by long gray ponytail guy, who was always the second best of the night after Megan. We also never learned his name.
  
• "Total Eclipse of the Heart", which was Mo's standing favorite. Mo, by the way, is not a man's name in this case.
• "Sweet Caroline", sung by good old John the Bartender, or J the B to our crowd. This one also ruled.
• "Can't Help Falling In Love", performed with gusto by one Iron Mike. Iron Mike was basically the greatest.
  

Then of course there were the one offs, like the night the guy at the bar stood up and drunkenly dedicated his performance of "God Bless the USA" to the families involved in the Quecreek Mine accident. I would have never in a million years compared this to Idol but: Kristy Lee Cook.

So the moral of this story is, Idol is greater than but still equal to a night of good karaoke. Because we'd be on our feet when Meg or J the B sang, just like when Cookster had a good night. And because we'd stay in our seats and snicker and wish we could fast forward during "Fancy", just like any time Sanjaya ever opened his mouth.

Anyway, onto tonight's results. So we start out with Ryan making bad, stupid dirty jokes, Anoop's totally dressed like the IT guy, we see a recap montage of their "journey" which is just 60 seconds of filler to get the kids lined up for a group number. God, already with this? It's "I'm Yours", which we've heard a bunch during the audition process already. I fast forward a little through this, I love Jackie Tohn so bad because she has like, a shrunken head hanging off her ear, and we're recapping last night. Seriously, show, it's been 24 hours or less since we heard these critiques. We're not brain dead.

First cut is the deepest: Casey's out, Stephen's out, no shocker there. I'm glad Seacrest is keeping these concise, maybe we'll be over by 8:59 tonight. Alexis is up, and the show totally ruins any suspense by showing her parents, okay. We didn't see either of the first two's families. So no shocker, Alexis is in. I'm pleased with this, if not totally ecstatic, because that doesn't bode well for Jackie. So Alexis sings, it's better than last night, she's really good.

OK and we're up to Ricky and Jackie. Eff. Both of them are out, and I guess I'm not shocked. I know Jackie wasn't everyone's cup of tea. Shit, now it's Anoop and Michael. This one has me worried. I like them both. And...damn, Anoop's out. Wild card! Bring back ANOOOOP. I do like Michael though. He sings, he's all nervous all over the place, I hope he gets that under control before the finals.

After commercials, the show is pimping the "Idol Experience" at WDW, which looks TERRIFYING, okay, and hey look! All the past winners together for the first time. Wow, Cookster's in a bad jacket. But still hot. And if anyone can find me an mp3 of the duet he did with Carrie to "Go Your Own Way", I will love you forever. Speaking of duets, it's the United Nations of American Idol, aka Michael Johns and Carly Smithson. They sing a lovely duet, and Carly looks like she needs to eat a sandwich. It must be noted, Michael has a fantastic Chuck Bass-esque outfit on.

Up next is Ann Marie, Brent and Stevie, and no shocker, they are all out. Brenna totally called what happens next: it's down to Nutbag and Danny, who we've decided is David Archuleta trapped inside David Cook's body. Seriously, dude, "Hero"? That's so bunk. I'm mad at Danny Gokey. He looks totally grossed out at Tatiana right now, awesome. After a million years of suspense, Danny's through, and Tatiana predictably goes apeshit. Bitch can't even congratulate Danny. Whatever, nutbag.

Danny sings us out, the camera keeps focusing on Tatiana, which is bullshit, and we've got our first three in the top 12. I'm not displeased by any of them, even though I wished Jackie and Anoop would have made it.

Next week, I'll be bringing you performance recap to give Bren's sanity a break, which means I have the pleasure of discussing what the F Norman Gentle/Nick Marshall is bringing to the semifinals. Seacrest help us all.

Vote for everyone but Tatiana. Rinse. Repeat.

Welcome to season 8, folks!

This is my first live, hi-def Idol experience. I can see Paula's extensions in all their glory! The judges start by telling us the same things they've been telling us for the past seven seasons - be yourself, take a chance, it's your one shot, blah blah. 

So here's the deal this year: we get 3 weeks of 12 contestants each. The top guy and girl move on, as well as the next top vote getter. Why we can't just have the top 3 contestants, regardless of gender, is beyond me. If I want 3 dudes in my top 12, give me 3 dudes. Anyways, then we have a wild card round to finish up the top 12.

The one and only Jackie Tohn is up first, and words can not properly describe her outfit. It's like a tube top, a giant belt, shiny spandex pants, and high-top sneakers. It's like Vanessa Abrams dressed her. It's, without a doubt, one of the craziest outfits we've ever seen on this show. Anyways, she takes on "A Little Less Conversation," and while I love me some Jackie, I do not love this song on her. I agree with the judges - it doesn't really showcase her vocals, and I can't help thinking about the remix of this song that came out a few years back.

Ricky Braddy, hereafter referred to as Ricky Bobby, is up next. His interview is really boring - apparently it took him awhile to figure out he did not want to serve chicken fingers for the rest of his life. Surprise! He sings "A Song For You," which belongs to Elliot Yamin, so he's just eh to me. I'll forget about him tomorrow.

Alexis Grace is next.  During her auditions, the judges told her to "dirty up." She apparently thought that meant showing up for night 1 dressed like Velma Kelly. She sings "Never Loved a Man," which is good, I suppose, but I don't recommend many Idol contestants sing Aretha. I think Paula wants to have sex with her afterwards. It's all a little awkward.

GUYS. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS IN THE AUDIENCE. With Ted Danson...?

Brent Keith, aka Spencer Pratt with his creepy flesh colored beard, sings a terrible song called Hicktown. He's trying his best to fill the country quotient, but I wouldn't get too attached to him, because I don't think he'll be around tomorrow. Kara's already got the hang of this show, as she makes up the word "rangey!" Paula throws around the names of other terrible country contestants on this show who somehow managed to get recording contracts because the country genre will take anyone.

Stevie Wright is next. OMG, she was 9 years old when this show began. Stevie, I was a 20-year-old intern when this show began. Thanks for making me feel ancient. She's singing "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, and while I respect her choosing a teenager's song, it's just all around awful. She's all over the place on the notes, and runs out of breath, and damn... the judges all dance around it until Simon just says it was flat out terrible, which we all agree with. NPH politely claps and thinks "I can do way better."

SNOOP ANOOP! He sings "Angel of Mine" - not my first choice for him or his best performance, but whatever, he's through and we all know it. Joe thinks he should be in 7 Degrees Celsius. I just think he's awesome no matter what. Bonus points for cute parents.

Casey Carlson tackles "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic," and um... There are no words. It's terrrrrible. She makes the STRANGEST facial expressions as she's singing. She reminded me of the time Karen sang with Scrantonicity at Phyllis & Bob Vance Vance Refrigeration's wedding. In fact, I think Karen had more rhythm. Randy can't say anything other than "uh... ooh..." Kara & Paula basically tell her that she's hot and that's why she's on the show. 

Let me take a moment to tell you how much I hate having the parents hanging out with Ryan when the contestants get back. I mean, what are the moms supposed to say? "Honey, I'm sorry, that was awful. I agree with Simon." 

Michael Sarver, aka the oil rig roughneck, is next. We keep hearing about his job because, let's be honest, half the people on this show are either unemployed or "performers" for a living. He sings "I Don't Wanna Be," another Elliott jam. I like his personality a lot, so I'll grade him on a curve. It was good, not great, but I think he's so likable that he'll at least be a wild card.

It's time for Ann Marie Boskovich, aka Brooke 2.0. She's singing "Natural Woman." Girls. With the plethora of songs available to you, why are you picking the most cliched songs possible??? It was good, I suppose. Not enough to motivate me to pick up my phone. Oh geez, she even says "thank you" incessantly like Brooke.

Up next is Stephen Fowler, who I should hate because he's from Cleveland. He's singing "Rock With You." People, we finally break free from the horror of theme nights, and you're all singing songs that would've been right at home there! Of the 10 contestants so far, only three of them have sung songs released after 2000 (one of which is called Hicktown, for God's sake). Ugh. This one just isn't good enough.

Annnnnnnnd here we go. Tatiana Bat Shit Del Toro. She tells us how hard she fights for her dreams. She's singing "I'm Saving All of My F'ing Love" by Whitney F'ing Houston. WHITNEY HOUSTON. And TATIANA. In the SAME SENTENCE. The thing is, she doesn't have a terrible voice. If she wasn't so certifiably insane, I might call it good. But I can't get past the psycho personality, the fact that Vote for the Worst is already pimping her, and her thanking of everyone including the "sound stick guy" enough to take even one iota of her seriously. She's actually quiet tonight, without any of the psycho laugh, which means obviously her whole Hollywood act was a crock of shit. I wish Nathaniel was here to give her bitchy drama queen looks. Paula tells us she's the most talked about contestant on the show, and people clap like we're talking about her in a good way. We're not! We're talking about her like we talked about Antonella's naked pictures!! I am soooo nervous this show will force her upon us, if not this week, then in the wild card round. And then I'll be forced to break up with this show and give up this blog, because I honestly can't watch a show where this person is actually a contestant.

Thank God Danny Gokey is up next to save us from this hell. He reminds us his wife died recently, in case we forgot since last week. (I'm sorry, it's a terrible situation, and I really feel for the guy, but I'm just sick of hearing about it.) He's singing "Hero," because apparently we're still paying for the Mariah songbook. Either that, or Gokey is going after the Archuleta crowd with songs about believing and hope and shit. He has such a great, gritty voice... I would have loved him to sing something more along the Cookster lines... but, alas, we're stuck being reminded that a hero lies in you. Aw, Jamar is there in the audience, probably shedding a little tear. Paula actually says "I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas." Wow. 

My top guy: I liked Snoop, but it will probably be Danny. Top girl: Should be Jackie, but her sub-par performance left a room for Alexis or Ann Marie. The next spot is wide open: in addition to those guys, Michael, Ricky, and even Tatiana have a shot.

Lindsay will tackle the results show... Fingers crossed that Tatiana won't be moving on!

It takes two hours to cut 18 people?

This show totally could have been an hour. Am I right? I mean, we've got 54 people here and we're trying to get to the top 36, which, I'm sorry, but any more than 10, and it's not really a "top" of anything. Tonight's ep will be full of manufactured drama, with the judges uttering things like "It's not good news...it's GREAT news!"

I also realized at about 8:50 that I should have kept track of how many times Randy said "it's the moment of truth right here" because that was his catch phrase this time around.

OOH and they created a FANTASTIC new drama-inducing twist: the sing-off. Slightly ripped off from So You Think You Can Dance, where the bottom ranked contestants have to "dance for their life"--tonight if there are two contestants the judges aren't sure about, they each have to sing again and they choose between them. Awesome.

Up first is Anoop. Also, sidebar: I will not write down or memorize most of these contestants last names until we're at least in the "top" 24. Anyway, we've loved Anoop since we first saw him, and he has made it through to the semifinals. Yay, Anooooooooop!

Also in, unfortunately, is Von, the annoying over the top guy who apparently has pushy parents. According to Simon, when he sang what he wanted and not what his parents wanted, that's what changed their minds. So: shut up, Von's mom.

OK and time for the first sing off! Up first is Cody Shelton, that kid who made horror movies and Alex Wagner-Trugman, who Bren and I hearted at first glance. Cody sings that Gavin Rossdale song and Alex sings "Don't Let the Sun Go Down" and it's totally clear to me who should get put through. Of course we have added drama that these guys are apparently best friends now, so I smell a little producer intervention here. Rightfully so, Alex gets put through and Cody is cut.

Next is Adam Lambert, the Cookster doppelganger who remade "Believe" the other night. He and his giant necklace are through. I'm still not 100% on Adam, but he's sort of growing on me.

Also in is tall Taylor of the wee vest, cutie pie Jasmine, two other girls I vaguely remember seeing (Arianna and Casey Carlson), divorcee Megan, Mishovanna and Stevie Wright, who I had forgotten about until this moment. Yay Stevie!

Up next is what I would like to call the horseshit segment of this episode, and it revolves around Joanna Pacitti. Some of you may have heard about Joanna's past recording deal, which tends to get some people riled up. Personally, I don't give a shit...this show LONG ago stopped being about finding the best "undiscovered" talent and is now just purely for entertainment and to find someone who can make money. She makes it through, and the reason I call shenanigans on this is not because of her previous deals, but because during Hollywood week she messed up her lyrics every. SINGLE. TIME. Whatever, show. I am not voting for Joanna.

Anyway, ahem. So a quick montage of cuts: three guys we've never seen get the boot and then it's that Kendal girl from Texas who butched "Before He Cheats" the other night. She's in, and it's our first girl/girl singoff is up: Jenn Korbee who I never saw before and came to audition with her hubby, and Kristen MacNamara of the giant mouth and red weave Nancy's group. I really like Kristen, but girl needs a makeover. Fugliest outfit ever, and we haven't even seen Jackie Tohn yet. They both sing, Kristen makes it through and Simon is pissed. Oooh he hates her bad. This will be interesting.

Also in is Alexis Grace of the single motherhood and Pittsburgh picture-taking fame. OK and Scott the blind guy is in, not necessarily rightfully so. I appreciate his story, but...meh. Lil Rounds is also in, yay! I could put my fist through her damn earring.

Quick montage of girls who were cut: Felicia somebody, Ashley so and so and Devon someone. Never saw any of them before. And another sing off between Frankie Jordan, the Sarah Silverman look alike with the Amy Winehouse-esque voice and Jesse Langseth, who I don't really remember seeing. Jesse is GOOD, and totally deserves to get through, even if she's wearing the most hideous pants ever made. She does get through, and Simon dismisses Frankie with a "you wouldn't have won anyway"--excellent. I kind of hated Frankie.

Two more people get cut that we've never seen before, and a 16-year old named Allison something gets through, and I have a feeling we could have a bit of Jordin Sparks syndrome with her. Did you guys know that Jordin was SEVENTEEN when she won Idol? Just thought I'd tell you in case the judges didn't say it enough when she was on the show.

Heartbreak time. It's Danny and Jamar. I knew in the bottom of my heart that the judges would end up only passing one of them through to the semifinals. PS I am really distracted by all of Jamar's facial piercings. Maybe the judges were too, because he gets cut and Danny make it through. The expected shock and flood of emotions follow.

Montage of guys they put through--Rick Braddy (who?), Matt Giraud YAY, Ju'not Joyner YAY, Jorge Nunez (meh), and Brent Keith (eh). Also Stephen Fowler, the guy who totally blew it with the lyrics on the Cookster song last night made it, which is suspect. See: Joanna Pacitti.

OMG and they freaking let Nick Marshall/Norman Gentle through?!? We are so done now. He's making it to the top 10, because all the idiots who watch the first few weeks of the show just to see assholes like him are going to vote for him. GAWD.

Yay!! Jackie Tohn made it. And apparently, all my earlier rants about people's outfits meant that Jackie loaned all her wackadoodle pieces out to everyone, because she is dressed the most subduely (is that even a word?) we've ever seen. GO JACKIE.

I think my head just exploded and I may have to break up with this show, because they freaking let Tatiana Nutbag through. WHAT? WHAT? I don't even need to list the reasons why this is so wrong. There had to be better girls that they cut. Also, she really needs to invest in some Crest Whitestrips and quit buying Paula's jewelry. You know you are freaking ridiculous when Nathaniel "I can feel it on my skin" Marshall is looking appalled by you and rolling his eyes.

Speaking of good old Nate, he's up against some guy named Jackie Midkiff in a sing-off. Jackie is good if a little bland, and Nathaniel is actually the best we've ever heard him, I think. Of course prior to the sing off, they showed hints of Nathaniel's backstory and none of Jackie's, which is how you knew that Nathaniel was in. We're on to you, Idol.

Another montage of people who made it: Jeanine something, Kai Kalama Polamalu, Anne Marie Boskovitch and Kris someone (that's a guy by the way, who I've never seen) and we're down to our final sing off. It's down to the two "blue collar" guys: welder Matt Breitzke and oilrigger Michael Sarver. And surprise! They both make it through.

So finally we have our "top" 36. We end with a nice montage of all of them throughout various stages of the auditions, and find out who the first 12 are that will be performing for us next week. I accidentally erased the show from my DVR already but I remember that some of that group includes Danny, Jackie, Anoop, Stephen Foster, Tatiana, Stevie Wright...and that's all I've got. Tune in next week for our first blog of a live performance, FINALLY. Bren will tell you all about the first group. Happy Valentine's Day, peeps!

I'm still not sure about this season.

Welcome to Hollywood, round 3. As Ryan continues to remind us, this is intense. It's the most important week of these people's sad little lives. Apparently the producers have been watching Lost too much this year, because we're utilizing some sort of flash forward/backwards narrative in this episode, which gets really annoying when I'm not finding out reason #54409 why Sayid kicks ass.

We start off with Adam Lambert, who is trying a little too hard to channel the Cookster, what with the guyliner and the Cooksterizing of a Cher song. I'm torn on him. Someone I am in no way torn in, though, is Matt the Piano Man, who sings a fantastic rendition of "Georgia on my Mind." Love him, love him.

Next up is BFFs Jamar and Danny, and.... yeah, just didn't do it for me this week. I still love them both, but written in my notes next to their names is simply "TERRIBLE." Ladies and gentlemen, here is the first song choice lecture of the season. Jamar's attempt at "Hey There Delilah" sounds like Pharrell on caffeine pills, and Danny sings that awful "I Hope You F'ing Dance" song that should be reserved only for terrible nights like IGFB.

But then... Snoop! Snoop Anoop! I love this guy. AND he sings "My Prerogative!" As per usual, I like the men much more than the women on this show. Here we go again. :)

Scott Macintyre inspires my second song choice lecture of the season, and here it goes... Ahem. Contestants of American, do not sing any songs originally sung by a former contestant of the very show you are trying to win. I repeat, DO NOT SING SONGS BY DAUGHTRY, COOKSTER, KELLY, JORDIN, OR CARRIE. No matter how great you sing, you will not sing it as well as they do, and I will keep track of your Idol offenses. This currently applies to Scott, Stevie Wright, Kristen McNamara, Alexis Grace, Jasmine and Stephen Fowler. 

They next do a montage of how many songs Bat Shit Tatiana has made us suffer through this season. She tries to out-Whitney Whitney while giving us yet another Idol offense - DO NOT SING WHITNEY - and then we're forced to watch her practically self-destruct throughout the entire episode. 

That dramatic guy (Nathaniel Marshall) sings what I think is "Disturbia" by Rihanna. I kind of love his drama and hope he sticks around.  We next get a montage of idiots forgetting lyrics, asking to start their songs over (Ryan reminds us - as if we've forgotten - that Brooke did that last year), and... Nick, aka Norman Gentle, who I won't waste any more words on.

Others in the spotlight include Anne Marie, aka Brooke 2.0, who makes me suffer through another performance of I Hope You Dance; Ju'not Joyner, who redeems Hey There Delilah with a stellar rendition; Kaylan Loyd, who somehow makes Alicia Keys sound country; Leneshe Young, who sucks at song selection with "Love Song"; and Michael Sarver, the oil rig roughneck, All or Nothing, by O-Town (?!?!?!), you know, the first "Making the Band" band before Diddy got his hands on it.

So, the judges finally make their decisions. Simon is a diva and can't postpone his flight, so it's up to Paula and her crazy medieval-shield-on-a-chain necklace, Randy and his tee-shirt-with-painted-on-bling, and Kara and her general awesomeness to break the news to the masses. The contestants are broken up into four rooms, and the judges do their usual "oh you're not in but really you are" schmuck to 3 of the 4. The only group to be cut includes awesome little India (sad), but also includes Castro 2.0 (Hallelujah!!!!).

So that wraps up the next to last night of the audition rounds. Apparently tomorrow the final 36 are named at the "Judges' Mansion." (What?!) Lindsay will be blogging that, and we're back to live shows next week!!!! 

"I know we're not the best of friends, but please, please help us!"

Finally, after TWO years of waiting, it's back. GROUP. EFFING. NIGHT. And not a moment too soon. Why the F didn't they have this last year?? Some of you who aren't all that familiar with the show may be asking, "What, exactly is the point of a group audition? Don't they always sing by themselves on the show anyway?"

My friends, the point of group night is purely this: it is damn entertaining. For the sheer awkwardness factor and atrocity of 80% of the groups, and because every so often, you get one who does it just right. Click here for, as Brenna calls it, the golden standard of AI group night.

Let's get underway! The first half of the episode basically focused on documenting the progress of a few select groups and watching their descent into madness. Group #1 includes Tatiana Crazypants from San Francisco and three other girls who we have never seen, of course. Group #2 includes (of course) Bikini Girl whose real name is Katrina, Rose with the dirty feet and adorable Jasmine from Jacksonville. Trainwreck #3 includes crazy Nate from last night (the one who can feel it on his skin) and two other girls we've never seen, Kristin and Nancy, but with whom we're about to become acquainted. Of course, we don't actually track any of the groups who don't all hate each other, but that's what the second half hour is for!

Right, so Tatiana--this chick is certifiable. She basically worms her way into the group after no one else wants her and immediately starts giving orders and then out of the middle of nowhere, has a breakdown. And then another one. Her partners flat-out tells the camera, multiple times, that Tatiana is crazy and is a psycho and they genuinely seem a little scared of her. This audition will be excellent.

The most drama we see out of Katrina/Rose's group is that Katrina decides to go to bed early, and everyone's pissed off. Gee, wonder how that's gonna turn out?

Group #3 is a complete mess. We are introduced to them via Tatiana, who at one point in the night decides she needs to switch groups and goes marching over and asks to join them. This gets Nancy, whose weave is looking ROUGH, I might add, all worked up and there is lots of bitching back and forth that finally culminates with Tatiana going back to her own group. God. And then Nancy's pissed because Kristin wants to sit down for 10 minutes. I mean, really, is 10 minutes going to kill you? Shut up Nancy. There is lots of Nate hysterical crying that ensues at this point, and the whole thing makes me bounce up and down with glee. GROUP. EFFING. NIGHT.

And it's morning, whee! Katrina apparently quits after her group comes to wake her up, but she miraculously shows up late to roll call, fully dressed like a cheap hooker. They should totally just cut her for being late. Finally it's time for the actual auditions. Simon utters the words that we've been hearing all night: "Forget the words, you're OUT! (out...out...out)"

First group up is India of Asia/India the rapping sisters fame, two guys I don't know and Matt, the dueling piano guy who I think sounds like Elliott. And they KILL IT. Man, new gold standard, maybe? Or silver standard if we think Blake's is still the best one. They all get through, and there is a hilarious cut to someone in the audience mouthing "Oh damn!" after they finish. Oh damn is right.

Montage of effed up groups forgetting the words, messing up the words, butchering the songs, and this is all a clever ruse to distract us from the fact that NICK aka NORMAN GENTLE got through AGAIN. Don't think you can slip that one by us, Seacrest. PLEASE let him get cut next week, this cannot go on.

OK some footage of the group with Ann-Marie the overly innocent and Emily with all the tats and the pink hair. They seem way too focused on their team name and cheer than with the routine and it shows. They jack it all up, Ann-Marie has to feed Emily her lines, and Emily gets cut.

Next we get a montage of Simon going off on various groups and individuals and he utters the phrase "succession of horrors", which: awesome and then we get to another bright spot. BFFs Danny and Jamar are in a group with tall Taylor of the wee vests and some other girl whose name they don't even tell us (nice, show) and they kill it too. Acapella, too, which is awesome. LOVE Danny and Jamar.

Montage of a few standouts: the oil rigger guy, Adam who we referred to earlier as Cookster's lookalike but now is taking on shades of Pete Wentz (either way, guyliner abounds!) and Matt, the big burly welder guy. They all do well and get passed through, and I like Adam more this time around than I did in his audition.

Aaaand it's time for #2 of the trainwreck groups as highlighted above. They are singing "Mercy" by Duffy, which is a great song, and the only one who stands out is Jasmine. Guys, she is really, really good. She is for sure making the finals. Rose was really weak. I just noticed that Katrina totally has dead eyes. Tyra Banks would not be pleased. Ok, so Jasmine is the only one who makes it through and of course we have like a forever segment of Katrina being bitchy to everyone on her way out. THANK GOD she is gone.

Montage of people they cut that we would recognize: Emily again, aww David Osmond got cut! Boo, I liked him! Austin, the Archuleta second coming, also gets cut (sigh of relief there). And now it's time for Tatiana's group. In all honesty, she does not have a terrible voice, but she is just so batshit crazy and nuts that you can't even focus on that. They let her whole group through, which, blah, and she starts spewing this mad pile of jibberish that no one can even follow. Her teammates have got to be so relieve this experience is over.

Finally we're down to Nate/Nancy/Kristin. You can totally tell that Kristin has killer fatigue--she slurs sleepily about being tired of all the drama, Simon makes a comment about none of them having dinner together, she thinks he's talking about having dinner with HER, it's all very hilarious. So Nate is overly dramatic and acts like a diva on the song (another "Mercy"), Nancy SUCKS and Kristin is actually decent. Her voice reminds me a little of KClarkson. Of course Nancy gets cut, and there is mad drama with her being a giant bitch on stage and treating Kristine and Nate like dirt. As you do.

Man, I can't believe this is over! As for the peeps we didn't see, it looks like Scott the blind guy is safe (wonder if Seacrest tried to high five him again), Lil Rounds is also safe and it looks like she may have been in the group with the Castro and Jackie Tohn and her insane red fedora are safe. Next week is Round Three of Hollywood and Bren will have your recap!

And away we go...

YES, people. HOLLYWOOD WEEK. 

Take a moment to let that sink in.

HOLLYWOOD M'F'ING WEEK. This is what Lindsay & I look forward to every year. Really, there could be an entire season of the drama we're going to see over the next few episodes. So let's get started!!

First of all, what is Idol Boot Camp? The best part of this show is watching the train wrecks come through with their tragic wardrobes and skeevy bangs... Wait a second, Barry Manilow??? Guess that dream of having relevant mentors this season is out the window already. Still paying for that Beatles songbook.

It's all uber-dramatic as the first set of contestants comes through and has like 10 seconds to sing anything. Lil Rounds is up, and man, I heart this girl, even if she busted out Whitney right off the bat. Denis and his crazy eyes are going home, thank God. Lil and four other people we've never seen are through to the next day. As usual, we're getting more talking and less singing. The singing they do give is courtesy of Nathan, who looks like a Hollister bustform come to life with a headband on. Apparently music is an anchor that keeps him from freaking out. That makes me nervous about Nathan. He's in the same line as Snoop Anoop, Jasmine Murray, and Shoeless Rose, who will likely break down a million more times in the next round.

Guys, a word about Von. I think he sucks. He screams. Singing does not equal screaming. I'm with Simon on him, 100%. Unfortunately, he's still around. Let's hope he tones it down next time.

Oh Lord, now it's Norman Gentle, aka Nick. I was ready to bitch about what a waste of time he is, but then he yells at Seacrest and I crack up. They miraculously put him through, and I hope my time isn't wasted with him tomorrow.

OH MY GOD. THEY'RE FORCING US TO SIT THROUGH FORD!!!!!! COMMERCIALS ALREADY??? 

OMG, Jackie Tohn is crazy. And I love her. Guys, she has a gold glittery fanny pack. She's sticking around along with a girl who mistakenly thought she was attending a toga party.

BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey are here, and you can feel the man love. These were two of my favorites from the audition rounds, and I'm happy to see them make it to the next round.

Annnndddd...... Bikini Girl. Yay. Glad to see she wore at least a little more clothing this time around. Simon isn't taking anything serious anymore, and Kara's bitch claws are out, and I'm with Kara all the way. Unfortunately, we have to deal with her again, but I'm a little happy because you know she'll bring a crapload of drama with her to group night!

A few more people, including the Osmond, pink-haired Emily, Cookster-wannabe, and Brooke 2.0 make it through. An FBI agent whines about it being her husband's birthday, which, WHO CARES, and finally cries her way off the stage. Sadly, no "My spirit has been broken" level breakdowns, but Lindsay gets the absolute pleasure of blogging GROUP NIGHT tomorrow. I can hardly contain my excitement. Enjoy.