Trainwrecks abound.

It has come to my attention that I watch entirely too much TV. Check it: tonight's lineup includes Idol, the second half of this week's Biggest Loser, and the finale of Top Chef. Something's gotta give. Top Chef comes on so damn late, but it's the freaking finale. Although now that Fabio's gone, it's not going to be nearly as funny. Carla for the win! HOOTIE!?

Anyway, so we're got round two of the semifinals tonight. Also, this just in: people think Danny Gokey is playing the "dead wife" card. I'll be honest and say I think it's 80% producer intervention, 20% Danny intervention. Because let's face it, last season, Cookster's brother was suffering from brain cancer, and you never heard him say boo about it. And on that note, if you haven't downloaded any of the songs from his album, I enjoy the one about his brother "A Daily AntheM"--check it out.

But Danny and Cookster aren't on tonight, so let's get to the kids who are. Tonight we have Jasmine, Matt Giraud (yay!), Jeanine, Nick/Norman (gag), Allison, Kris, Megan, Matt the welder, Jesse, Kai Polamalu, Mishavonna and Adam Lambert. First up we have Jasmine, who I just adored from her first audition. She and her family are so freaking cute, she has a teenager's personality and doesn't act like she's too old and is generally charming.

Her performance...isn't. Yikes. She starts out way, WAY too low and never quite gets on track. This isn't the first time we've heard "Love Song" on this show this season, and I have to say, this isn't really a good song for Idol. The melody is really tricky and hard to nail unless you are Sara Baireilles. I don't know if it's nerves, the stress of being first out, but she is better than this song. The judges agree, and I have a feeling it's the end of the line for poor Jas. I don't even know if she'll secure a wild card spot.

Up next is dueling piano player Matt Giraud, who Bren and I both fell in love with in his audition. He decides to sing "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay, which is a risky, risky choice and is not at all in his usual wheelhouse. And...okay, this is a mess. I love Matt and will still vote for him because I know this is a one-off, but this is not good, guys. He's got this weird, shaky vibrato going on that I've never heard him do before, he can't hit the high notes and he's putting too many runs in it. The judges all tell him he should have stuck to bluesy, Ray Charles type songs, which I totally agree with...it was his Elliott-ness that made us love him! I hope he makes it through.

I hope someone I hate comes on soon so I can snark. It's hard for me to be bitchy about contestants I like. Next up is Jeanine (who?), a bartender from DC. And okay, I swear you guys, I wrote that last sentence before I watched her performance, because I write on the commercial breaks. I had no idea that Fox was going to unleash this on us after the break. So one of the only things they show us about Jeanine's personality is her tripping over the table when she found out she was in the top 36. This does not bode well.

Then, holy shit, okay, she comes out in the shortest denim shorts I have ever seen with some sort of crazy top and a sparkly blazer/tux jacket on over that. What in the hayell? And also, she totally looks like past contestant on Top Model and I can't figure out who, but that hair seriously looks like the weave that Tyra gives one of the girls every cycle. Trainwreck. She sings "This Love" by Maroon 5, and it is hideous. So terrible, in fact, that the only positive things ANY of the judges can say after she's done are comments about her appearance, which, let's face it, isn't even that great either. Dear God. Her dreams are crushed basically RIGHT IN FRONT OF US and it's awesome in a bad way. My spirit has been broken, indeed.

If Brenna and I hadn't agreed last year to not use the F word in this blog, this whole paragraph would be covered with it. Nick Marshall/Norman Gentle is up. Seriously, WHY. He gives a fairly normal interview in his Nick persona, but of course comes out as Norman to sing AGAIN "I Am Telling You", complete with a damn white tux jacket WITH TAILS over his Norman Gentle outfit. Guys, if I were Jamar, sitting at home right now watching this, I would be so freaking pissed off that I got passed over for the semifinals because of this asshole.

Of course after he's done, there's weirdness and stupidity and Ryan/Simon gay jokes, and it's all a huge waste of time. If effing America votes him through, I am done with this show. I think tonight is officially the night when Idol jumped the shark.

Up next is pink-haired Allison, the 16-year old we saw for the first time when she made it to the semis. I think Allison might be weird. She and Ryan have a totally random, stilted conversation about school, and studying, or something, and then she says she's singing "Alone" by Heart. DAMMIT. How many times do we have to tell these contestants, don't touch Heart! Carrie blew the roof off with Heart four years ago.

And yet Allison...effing KILLS IT. Dressed in an outfit that looks like a Madonna castoff from 1984, she nails this song and performance. She's got the perfect raw, raspy voice for this song. I think we have broken the Carrie curse. The judges all love it and rave about her and not one of them mentions Underwood, which to me means Allison trumped her. Best of the night by a mile.

Oooh, and we're not going to a break but directly to Kris Allen, a cutie from Arkansas. Much is made of his Hollywood week auditions, with his guitar and whatnot. Brenna posed an interesting question via text: why haven't the contestants been using their instruments in this round? Apparently they could last year. Weird. Anyway, Kris is okay, he's singing "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson, which is like the most random song choice on this show ever. He has a nice enough voice, if a bit boring, and he looks weirdly like Archuleta's older brother. No jibba jabba about hopes and dreams, though.

Halfway through now, and so far...not so good. Up next is Megan Corkrey, who I vaguely remember of having the sob story of "I'm divorced"--nice try, Meg. She's singing "Put Your Records On", and it's kind of weird. She's doing weird jerky dance moves while she's singing and I think vocally it's all over the place.

And I almost flipped shit for a minute because I thought she was barefoot, and we all know my feelings on that, but she has a pair of flats on, thank GOD. Anyway, I think this whole performance was weird and not that great, but the judges apparently love her? Go figure. Allison still wins for best girl so far.

Now we have Matt "The Welder" Breitzke. He's so adorable and burly. Doesn't he totally look like one of those guys who would be all "let me pick you up!" and you'd go "no, Matt, no, you can't lift me!" and he'd be like, "no way, I can totally pick you up!" and he'd give you a giant bear hug and lift your ass right off the ground. No? Just me?

Ahem, anyway. He's singing "If You Could Only See" by Tonic, which is one of my mom's favorite songs (hi Mom!) and it's pretty good. I don't think this is terrible, but then, new definitions of the word terrible are apparently being discovered on this show. It maybe doesn't showcase his voice the best, as Randy says, but I didn't think he was as bad as they made out. Maybe his likeability factor will carry him? It's a tossup for the guys so far tonight.

Up next is Jesse Langseth who went up against, and beat, Frankie whateverherface during the sing for your life. I remember thinking she was decent. OK, she is singing "Bette Davis Eyes" and it's totally karaoke. I mean, this is what they mean by a karaoke performance. Her voice is okay, not stellar, and she's not doing anything special with the song. I'm just waiting for the lyrics to roll along behind her on the screen like we're in a bar. Also, she talks back to the judges a lot when they critique her. SHUT UP, Jesse. So annoying. Next.

It's only 9:30?! Holy bajeezus, how many more of these do we have? OK, we've got Kai Polamalu up now. I should probably learn his real last name. Kalama, then, okay. Ok right, he's the one with the sick mom. He's going to do "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted" and these people are kililng me with the long song titles tonight.

Also: we totally did this Motown medley when I was in show choir, and this song was part of it...you cannot choreograph anything to this song because it's so slow, so basically it was 48 bars of us step-touching and swaying our arms in various directions. Kai's got a nice enough voice, but it doesn't blow me away, and the most exciting thing happening on stage right now is his sparkly shirt. Kara tells him to be more contemporary and Simon throws out his first "wedding/hotel singer" analogy. Kai kind of sucks, but there's something about his sad, earnest face that just makes me feel sorry for him.

Up next is Mishavonna "Too many letters in my name" Henson. She is 18 and apparently got cut from last season in Hollywood. Meh. Also, what's with loading all the teenage girls in this week's show? She's going to sing "Drops of Jupiter" which is another hard one to sing. She does okay, it's not terrible, but not great either. She goes kind of flat on the last note. All the judges tell her she can sing well, but she's acting too old and needs to loosen up.

Also, what the hell is up with the judges and acting all shocked like, "but man, you can really sing!" No shit, Sherlock, that's the supposed point of this show, isn't it? YOU put them there because "they can really sing!" Or are all they all just backup vehicles for asshats like Norman Gentle? Sorry guys, but I am REALLY bitter about that.

Last in the pimp spot is Adam Lambert. Guyliner ABOUNDS, yo. Adam is one I have been back and forth on, so let's see how he does tonight. He's singing "Satisfaction" by the Stones, rocking a leather blazer which I THINK I mocked a contestant for wearing last season and more necklaces than even I would wear. Wow, dude, his range is insane. He's singing the low notes of the song and actually hitting them as opposed to just mumbling through the lower parts like some people do.

I think I might love this. It's over the top, but it actually made me smile, as opposed to someone else's over the top act that was supposed to make me smile, but just made me want to throw shit. (I'm sorry, SORRY, I'll try to move past it!) Kara says exactly what I'm thinking about his range, and OMG, Randy makes an effing Twilight reference. What in the hayell?

So that's it for tonight. If I had to guess who is definitely in, I would say Allison and Adam. For the third spot, it's a toss up, really. No one else blew me away, so we'll see what shakes down tomorrow. Bren will have your results! Hootie!