Vote for everyone but Tatiana. Rinse. Repeat.

Welcome to season 8, folks!

This is my first live, hi-def Idol experience. I can see Paula's extensions in all their glory! The judges start by telling us the same things they've been telling us for the past seven seasons - be yourself, take a chance, it's your one shot, blah blah. 

So here's the deal this year: we get 3 weeks of 12 contestants each. The top guy and girl move on, as well as the next top vote getter. Why we can't just have the top 3 contestants, regardless of gender, is beyond me. If I want 3 dudes in my top 12, give me 3 dudes. Anyways, then we have a wild card round to finish up the top 12.

The one and only Jackie Tohn is up first, and words can not properly describe her outfit. It's like a tube top, a giant belt, shiny spandex pants, and high-top sneakers. It's like Vanessa Abrams dressed her. It's, without a doubt, one of the craziest outfits we've ever seen on this show. Anyways, she takes on "A Little Less Conversation," and while I love me some Jackie, I do not love this song on her. I agree with the judges - it doesn't really showcase her vocals, and I can't help thinking about the remix of this song that came out a few years back.

Ricky Braddy, hereafter referred to as Ricky Bobby, is up next. His interview is really boring - apparently it took him awhile to figure out he did not want to serve chicken fingers for the rest of his life. Surprise! He sings "A Song For You," which belongs to Elliot Yamin, so he's just eh to me. I'll forget about him tomorrow.

Alexis Grace is next.  During her auditions, the judges told her to "dirty up." She apparently thought that meant showing up for night 1 dressed like Velma Kelly. She sings "Never Loved a Man," which is good, I suppose, but I don't recommend many Idol contestants sing Aretha. I think Paula wants to have sex with her afterwards. It's all a little awkward.

GUYS. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS IN THE AUDIENCE. With Ted Danson...?

Brent Keith, aka Spencer Pratt with his creepy flesh colored beard, sings a terrible song called Hicktown. He's trying his best to fill the country quotient, but I wouldn't get too attached to him, because I don't think he'll be around tomorrow. Kara's already got the hang of this show, as she makes up the word "rangey!" Paula throws around the names of other terrible country contestants on this show who somehow managed to get recording contracts because the country genre will take anyone.

Stevie Wright is next. OMG, she was 9 years old when this show began. Stevie, I was a 20-year-old intern when this show began. Thanks for making me feel ancient. She's singing "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, and while I respect her choosing a teenager's song, it's just all around awful. She's all over the place on the notes, and runs out of breath, and damn... the judges all dance around it until Simon just says it was flat out terrible, which we all agree with. NPH politely claps and thinks "I can do way better."

SNOOP ANOOP! He sings "Angel of Mine" - not my first choice for him or his best performance, but whatever, he's through and we all know it. Joe thinks he should be in 7 Degrees Celsius. I just think he's awesome no matter what. Bonus points for cute parents.

Casey Carlson tackles "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic," and um... There are no words. It's terrrrrible. She makes the STRANGEST facial expressions as she's singing. She reminded me of the time Karen sang with Scrantonicity at Phyllis & Bob Vance Vance Refrigeration's wedding. In fact, I think Karen had more rhythm. Randy can't say anything other than "uh... ooh..." Kara & Paula basically tell her that she's hot and that's why she's on the show. 

Let me take a moment to tell you how much I hate having the parents hanging out with Ryan when the contestants get back. I mean, what are the moms supposed to say? "Honey, I'm sorry, that was awful. I agree with Simon." 

Michael Sarver, aka the oil rig roughneck, is next. We keep hearing about his job because, let's be honest, half the people on this show are either unemployed or "performers" for a living. He sings "I Don't Wanna Be," another Elliott jam. I like his personality a lot, so I'll grade him on a curve. It was good, not great, but I think he's so likable that he'll at least be a wild card.

It's time for Ann Marie Boskovich, aka Brooke 2.0. She's singing "Natural Woman." Girls. With the plethora of songs available to you, why are you picking the most cliched songs possible??? It was good, I suppose. Not enough to motivate me to pick up my phone. Oh geez, she even says "thank you" incessantly like Brooke.

Up next is Stephen Fowler, who I should hate because he's from Cleveland. He's singing "Rock With You." People, we finally break free from the horror of theme nights, and you're all singing songs that would've been right at home there! Of the 10 contestants so far, only three of them have sung songs released after 2000 (one of which is called Hicktown, for God's sake). Ugh. This one just isn't good enough.

Annnnnnnnd here we go. Tatiana Bat Shit Del Toro. She tells us how hard she fights for her dreams. She's singing "I'm Saving All of My F'ing Love" by Whitney F'ing Houston. WHITNEY HOUSTON. And TATIANA. In the SAME SENTENCE. The thing is, she doesn't have a terrible voice. If she wasn't so certifiably insane, I might call it good. But I can't get past the psycho personality, the fact that Vote for the Worst is already pimping her, and her thanking of everyone including the "sound stick guy" enough to take even one iota of her seriously. She's actually quiet tonight, without any of the psycho laugh, which means obviously her whole Hollywood act was a crock of shit. I wish Nathaniel was here to give her bitchy drama queen looks. Paula tells us she's the most talked about contestant on the show, and people clap like we're talking about her in a good way. We're not! We're talking about her like we talked about Antonella's naked pictures!! I am soooo nervous this show will force her upon us, if not this week, then in the wild card round. And then I'll be forced to break up with this show and give up this blog, because I honestly can't watch a show where this person is actually a contestant.

Thank God Danny Gokey is up next to save us from this hell. He reminds us his wife died recently, in case we forgot since last week. (I'm sorry, it's a terrible situation, and I really feel for the guy, but I'm just sick of hearing about it.) He's singing "Hero," because apparently we're still paying for the Mariah songbook. Either that, or Gokey is going after the Archuleta crowd with songs about believing and hope and shit. He has such a great, gritty voice... I would have loved him to sing something more along the Cookster lines... but, alas, we're stuck being reminded that a hero lies in you. Aw, Jamar is there in the audience, probably shedding a little tear. Paula actually says "I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas." Wow. 

My top guy: I liked Snoop, but it will probably be Danny. Top girl: Should be Jackie, but her sub-par performance left a room for Alexis or Ann Marie. The next spot is wide open: in addition to those guys, Michael, Ricky, and even Tatiana have a shot.

Lindsay will tackle the results show... Fingers crossed that Tatiana won't be moving on!