So long, farewell

Well, I guess we should've done this a few weeks ago, sorry to those of you who have still been waiting for new posts LOL. But B and I are closing up shop on MSHBB. We know lots of people have embraced the new judges and format, but we're just not on board. We aren't feeling any of these contestants, either, especially since Scotty seems destined to win.

We've loved sharing this show with you over the past few years, and loved seeing our boys Cookster and Lee take the title. Good luck to the rest of this group, and check back in with us when the X Factor premieres...maybe.

You know you love us.

xoxo,
L and B

The sound of silence... would be better than Scotty.

Sorry for the late post this week, folks. Been a hectic week, so I'm using this rainy Saturday afternoon to catch up on some TV viewing, and it's Idol's turn!

Yeah, Idol, we know. Pia was voted off. And you know what else? There's a lot of people who don't care. Also something we don't care about? That JLo is on the cover of People's Most Beautiful issue. Bring on the singers. OMG WHAT IS PAUL WEARING??? The nice thing about blogging late is that I can find a photo of it:

He sings Old Time Rock & Roll. It's really not good. I have no idea what's gong on half the time, and eventually he's got a tambourine and he's grinding all up on the saxophone player. You know, there's not enough songs with saxophones anymore. For some reason the judges all love it. I miss Simon, he would've called that a train wreck.

Ugh, Lauren is singing that Hannah Montana song. Did the stylists take the night off or something? She's wearing a silver metallic zebra corset thing under a black tutu with cowboy boots. What. the. hell? She sounds really good, but I just can't get that excited about someone sounding good on a song originally sung by Miley Cyrus.

Stefano is singing End of the Road by Boyz II freaking Men. I knew he was, but I forgot, so this just made me infinitely happy. I get an instant middle school dance vibe from any other their songs. Man, this song was good, wasn't it? And he actually sounds really good singing it! I still think he's totally cheesy, but wow, go Stefano!

UGGGGGGH, #Oldladyvote time. He is doing the same shit he does every stupid week. It sucks. Next.

Casey and his bass and his stupid facial expressions are on stage. He's singing Nature Boy, and it's pretty good. I just can't look at him, haha. It's like Cookster, pre-haircut. The judges give him a standing ovation, because apparently no one has ever sung and instrument and sang at the same time on this show.

Haley is singing Call Me. She's another one I prefer not to watch, haha. She's just so awkward at moving. But she sounds fantastic, I love this song for her. Well done.

Jacob is up next, singing Bridge Over Troubled Water. Lindsay had warned me in advance, because this song is pretty much at the top of both our Top Idol Performances Ever List. I still get chills watching Clay's version, and I've watched it at least a hundred times. Why must these Idols have such little respect for Idol history??? Ugh. Anyway, it's all good, but that song belongs to Clay Aiken. Sorry, Jacob.

Our man James is in the pimp spot tonight with Heavy Metal. He kills it, as per usual. James, we love you.

Now on to the results! I like these duets they've started this year. Lauren & Scotty kick it off with what is apparently a Lady Antebellum song called American Honey. I'm glad the stylists are making up for Wednesday's catastrophe, because I want Lauren's entire outfit tonight. She looks fantastic.

FORD! music video. They're all dressed as zombies and singing Animal. Of course they are. And then the zombies just want to hang out in the Ford Mustang and play music. Of course they do.

Haley and Casey sing Moanin'. I'm not familiar with this song, but their duet is FANTASTIC. I seriously love Haley's voice and this is right in Casey's jazzy wheelhouse. Wow. Did they just replace Lee & Crystal as my favorite Idol duet ever? Results: after that incredible performance, Haley is in the bottom 3, and #oldladyvote is safe once again.

Kelly Clarkson, our original American Idol, is here singing with some guy whose face I can't see under his cowboy hat. I heart her so much, but not a fan of this song. Aw, remember how cute Kelly was when she won? SOME PEOPLE WAIT A LIFETIIIIIMMMEEEE.......

Stefano, James, Jacob, & Paul are singing a medley from The Graduate. Meh. Give us results already. Stefano and Paul are in the bottom two. Can't say I'm shocked, but Stefano had his best performance of the season this week.

Ugh, Rihanna too? It's so cute when she thinks she can actually sing ballads. And is she wearing a velvet gown? In California, in April? I'm confused. I actually like this song, just not sung by Rihanna, though she sounds much better than usual. I'd rather hear someone like Carrie Underwood sing it.

Finally, results. I feel like I've been watching this for hours. Haley is sent back to safety, down to Stefano and Paul. As we know by now, Paul and his blindingly white teeth are going home and are now free to go date that chick from Twilight. He's fun and all, but someone that quirky was never going to win.

Next week is songs from the 21st century, so... songs from the past 11 years? Should be interesting. Someone please sing Britney, k?

Our spirits are broken.

So we don't have recaps tonight. Really, we're just bizzay with hockey playoffs and babies and what not. So you'll get a full recap of both nights this weekend sometime.

Basically: Paul went home. #Oldladyvote remains. Lindsay sums it up: "Forget top 5, that f*cker will end up top 2 or 3. And make us wish we had never come back."

#Fact.

Um, America? WTF?

Hello dear readers! Rock and roll hall of fame week. Some of them killed it, and then there's Scotty. OMG, I think JLo is dressed as I Dream of Jeanie tonight. Tonight's performance lineup is Constantine Maroulis and... Iggy Pop? Huh? This show is so confusing.

Oh goody, it's a rock medley. If this is rock, then my high school show choir should be performing at Madison Square Garden. I don't even know how to describe what Haley is wearing. It's like a crocheted one piece bathing suit tucked into stone washed jeans. Oh, and there are feathers. Still, it's better than whatever Gwen Stefani made those girls wear last night. Wow, hello Pia's breasts.

FORD! music video in which the Idols appear to be trying to pay homage to Ocean's Eleven. And then a very unfunny segment where Russell Brand comes on to "train" the Idols in "stage presence," aka pimp his new movie. Anyone else think it would be incredibly fun to hang out with him and Katy Perry? No? Just me? Ok then.

Results time! Casey, Stefano, and Lauren are up first. Oh they're totally doing the thing where one person from each threesome is in the bottom three. Did Casey just insult Kelly Clarkson? Apparently she tweeted that she has a crush on him but the feeling does not appear to be mutual. Eff you, Casey. Stefano's jacket appears to be made of plastic. OMG, why is this show an hour? After A LOT of banter, Stefano is in the bottom three.

And now it's time for Constantine, singing Simon Cowell's favorite song, Unchained Melody. So, season 4 was the only season of this show I didn't watch, because I was abroad. Basically the only people that season I ever took time to learn about were Mrs. Mike Fisher, that Bo character with the bad hair, and this guy, and that's basically because I heard that he eye f**ked the camera during every performance. And yep, he's doing eye f**king us all. Why exactly is he here tonight? Oh, he's pimping Rock of Ages. And dear Lord, he has a child. That's frightening.

Now we get to see how Gwen "styled" the girls last night. And by "styled" we mean "made to look like shit."

Back to results - Paul, Scotty and Pia. We're not lucky enough to get rid of #oldladyvote yet. He will be torturing us for weeks to come. He and Paul are safe, and Pia and her giant breasts are in the bottom three. Boooooooo.

The Idols go to the TMZ offices. SERIOUSLY?!??!?! This show could be 10 minutes long. Ugh.

Finally - Haley, James, and Jacob. James is safe (woo!), Haley is safe, so Jacob is in the bottom three, and there is still 17 minutes left in the show.

Iggy Pop. Sorry, not interested. Fast forward.

Finally, moment of truth. Jacob is sent back to safety, so it comes down to Pia and Stefano. Seacrest tells Pia she's going home, and basically the audience and the judges and I are all like, what the shit? Even JLo is thinking, I know I want to screw Stefano, but even I know he should go home before Pia. The judges might even be a little upset they used the save on Casey. Seriously, America, what the hell? I don't think Pia sang a wrong note the entire competition, and yet SCOTTY EFFING MCCREERY is still there. They ask Pia to sing one more time, and she picks I'll Stand By You, and it's gorgeous, and to be honest, if she'd sung with that emotion last night... maybe she wouldn't be going home.

Ugh. This show is a bitch sometimes. And yet we'll be back next week.

Top 9 Do Rock n Roll OR: FILTHY HOT MESS

So apparently we're doing Rock and Roll HOF songs again? I mean, with all the different types of music in the world and so many different categories, I really don't understand the repeating of the themes year in and year out. Sigh.

The opening is weird. It's like my cable cut to it in the middle or something. Ryan's like running out on stage with the nine behind him. It's all manic. Down to nine, AND the show tonight is only 90 minutes. WOOT. This week Gwen Stefani styled the contestants. That could either be awesome or a filthy hot mess.

Blah blah, Steven got his act together enough to give us a promo for the RnR HOF and showed us some costumes or something. I would seriously love to be Ryan Seacrest sometimes. He has one of the most fun jobs in TV. Oooh looks like James is in the pimp spot. Why the HELL is will.i.am here again??? God, doesn't he have anything else to do? It's like when Alec Baldwin or Justin Timberlake randomly show up at SNL every other week.

Jacob's up first. Singing "Man in the Mirror" which is apparently the new MJ song for Idol contestants. Thanks, Kris Allen! Jacob's dressed all in white and he kills this joint. I think Jacob is really starting to grow on me. I liked this a lot. Great way to open the show. Wow, people in the audience are going APESHIT for him.

After the break, we've got Haley, who I started enjoying last week. This week she's doing "Piece of My Heart" which has also been done to pieces on this show, but I think this is a perfect choice for her and she'll totally nail this. This is dope. I'm surprised they didn't put this later in the show. Not the pimp spot since she had it last week, but maybe second to last. I would so fall on my ass if I tried to even stand in those shoes, let alone jam on stage. Go girl.

Now we've got Casey, who I thought rocked last week. So apparently he was going to sing "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" but then he changed it to "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?" by CCR. Which kind of makes sense if you're Casey, I think. I wish he had done the other song I think. This sounds really good, but I'm kind of bored. He's playing a giant upright bass and some guy who looks like Duff Goldman is playing the ukelele. Casey really needs a Crest Whitestrip. Dudes, Randy's jacket...the hell?? So.....shiny.

Up next is Lauren, who was also good last week. She looks like she has no idea WTF will.i.am is telling her. Poor Lauren. I know, hon. Giant flower in her hair=Jasmine Trias. Oooh, formal shorts. Yikes. She's doing "Natural Woman." Let's hear it, girlfriend. Oh wait wait wait, that is a ROMPER she is wearing, not formal shorts. Jesus H. I wonder if she's sick or something, she looks totally freaked and has zero stage presence. Sounds good though. Wow, Christian Slater, easy on the forehead Botox, my friend.

After the break, we've got James. Ooops, so I lied about him in the pimp spot. So that means Pia, Stefano, Scotty or Paul get it...hmm. I bet it's Pia. Or Paul. Anyway, HI JAMES! This week he's doing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by George Harrison. This is really good. Great control by James, shows that he can do more than just the yelly kind of rock songs, which I've read is a criticism of him. I love James, you guys.

Up next is #oldladyvote singing an Elvis song. Of course. "That's All Right." I'm so bored of Scotty, guys. Thank God they didn't give him the pimp spot with this. Guys, so many things. Scotty is wearing a freaking CANADIAN TUXEDO, first of all. Second of all, Randy's saying he's not a one trick pony??? IS HE SERIOUS? OF COURSE HE IS. That's why he is STILL HERE. LDJSALFADJLFADS;LFA;LFALASDJFOI3UROIJFLKAJF;

OK, I need to move on. Hi Pia! You look amazing tonight....from the neck up that is, sheesh. What ballad are you going to treat us to this evening? Oooh, not a ballad? Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High." God, will.i.am is seriously like a cartoon. WTF does he even mean half the time?? This is awesome, Pia sounds amazing. Her outfit though, my God. Gwen, come on. Why are you making everyone look like an asshole? Thanks for not singing a ballad, Pia.

Stefano is next, so that means Paul's got the PS. I hope he does something crazy. OK, seriously Stefano? "When a Man Loves a Woman??" BLECH. OK, I just figured out who he looks like. Joey Tribbiani. Or, Matt LeBlanc I guess, LOL. And since Stefano's performance is lame and boring, let's fill this graph with excellent Joey lines. "It hurts my Joey's apple!" "Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo." "Hi, I'm Chandler...could I BE wearing any more clothes??" "In my spare time, I'm a mento for kids." Anyway, JLO loves the performance because she wants to bang Stefano, and I'm not real sure what the other ones said 'cause I was looking up quotes.

So last but not least we've got good old Paul in the pimp spot. Singing "Folsum Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash. SO not what I would have picked for Paul, seriously. But I bet it's good. I just noticed will.i.am's shoes are covered in glitter. Wow. Paul's rocking a ruffly shirt and is REALLY into the song. This is great, I love Paul. What an unexpectedly fun number. And his teeth are blinding, seriously. Like Paul's teeth...then Casey's teeth. LOL.

So tonight was kind of a hot mess and kind of awesome at the same time. B3 might be Jacob, since he went early and I forgot about him already LOL, maybe Stefano and actually Casey could end up there again because he was kind of boring. I didn't think Lauren was the greatest either but she might squeak through. Brenna will recap your results and the return of effing CONSTANTINE MAROULIS to the Idol stage....whaaaat?!

Bring back Hulk Hogan.

Ooh I forgot two people are going home tonight. WE ARE CRUSHING DREAMS Y'ALL. I hope there's a breakdown as epic as Casey's last week.

Ew, why is someone holding a sign that says "Steven just give me a kiss"? You do realize Steven is a) drunk and/or high, b) probably old enough to be your grandfather, and c) has a face more messed up than Joan Rivers.

So, top 11. Lauren and Scott sing a duet. I think this is that song Mike Fisher's wife sang once with an old country dude. Lauren sings circles around #oldladyvote. OMG, now that I've gotten verification that someone else out there gets a George W. Bush vibe from Scotty, I am even more over him. He does that weird thing with his face that W did. Or maybe Will Ferrell as W. Will Ferrell should do W as Scotty, that would be brilliant. Oh hey, the song is over and it's results time! They're both safe.

Ugh, FORD! music video to that Superman song from circa 2002. How does this show make so much money and yet make such cheap looking shit? I think Linds and I made better videos in Comm Arts 290 at Allegheny. The Idols get fan mail. James got a wrestling belt. Who the hell wastes time mailing this stuff?

Naima and Jacob sing a duet. I don't know this song, and it's not very exciting. I want J Lo's dress tonight. Results: Jacob is safe and Naima is in the bottom three. No surprise there.

Time for Fantasia. No joke, her song is called Collard Greens and Cornbread. I was going to fast forward, but I have to hear this. She stole her dress from Jessica Rabbit. This song is much better than that time she came on and sang that crazy song where she basically just jumped around stage a lot and even Simon looked frightened, and Simon looooooved her. This song is ok, but in the pantheon of Idol winners, Fantasia is near the bottom, just above Taylor Hicks and Ruben. OMG, Fantasia looks like a giant next to Ryan. Hahaha.

Haley, Thia, and Pia are performing Teenage Dream. Haley totally forgets the words. Come on, Haley. Everyone who listens to the radio knows the words to this song. Pia is like, really? I have this good of a voice and you're making me sing Katy Perry? They try to harmonize, and everyone watching this is thinking, "The Warblers did a much better job." Ryan is basically all, that was great, but let's crush a dream now. Pia and Haley are safe, Thia is in the bottom three. Again, no surprise.

Hey, Kris Allen is in the house! Hi Kris! We love you!

Stefano, James, Casey, and Paul have formed a band. They're singing a song by Paul McCartney & the Wings. I enjoy seeing these guys together, but they could have chosen a more exciting song. It's kind of boring. Steven tells them they can open for Aerosmith's next tour. Casey is safe. James is safe. So we're down to Stefano and Paul, and surprisingly Paul is in the bottom three. Also, for the record:

Bradley Cooper: sex on a stick

Paul McDonald: not sex on a stick

Jamie Foxx and will.i.am don't stand a chance against my remote control. Fast forward.

Finally. Two of these three are going home, and we have no more saves. Paul is safe, so Naima and Thia are headed home. Don't think there's anyone out there who's going to argue with that one, except maybe Lauren, who is bawling. We're back to boring, predictable results shows. Cue the Cookster, cue my DVRing cutting off, and cue Clueless starting on HBO. As if!

I hope you don't mind OR: Every week should be Elton week.

Ryan has really subdued hair and a bad suit tonight. Woof. Blah blah, more discussion about the SAVE, two people have to go tomorrow. Tonight the top 11 will be performing the music of Sir Elton John. So I'm really hoping for an entertaining evening and not one chock full of ballads. I can't remember the last time his music was the theme. Season Two? When Camille Velasco sang that awful rendition of "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"? Shudder.

We are at 8:07 and NO ONE has performed. This is seriously why I hate this show sometimes. Why do we need footage of the contestants' makeovers or whatever this was? #oldladyvote is up first. Kiss of death, the first slot is usually. His hair looks way better in the photo shoot footage. Of course, he finds the only "country" song that Elton John ever made. I didn't think such a thing existed. The song is called "Country Comfort." Never heard of it. He's playing guitar tonight. I mean, if you're into this type of music, I can totally see how Scotty would be your cup of tea. But he's just....not mine. Like I said before, I won't say he sucks, because he doesn't at all. Brenna called him making the top 5, and I can totally see that happening.

Of course, Naima is going to put a "reggae twist" on her song. She's so weird. I think Naima is beautiful, her ace is gorgeous, but she's bizarre. She's singing "I'm Still Standing", in reggae style, apparently. This is probably going to suck a little bit, yes? I can honestly say that in the billion years Idol has been around, this is DEFINITELY a first. Her outfit is bringing the crazy again. White suit with black pinstrips and a halter top with random rainbow stripes all over the pants. I am not into this. Neither is Jennifer. Or Randy. Probably Steven liked it though, cause he's all high and shit.

Taio Cruz is here to promote...something. LIKE IT'S DYNAMITE. Oh man, Paul has busted out his goofy floral suit. Well, I guess tonight of all nights it's appropriate. Brenna got all indignant because I pointed out that the good people at Television Without Pity said that Paul is a Bradley Cooper lookalike, who Brenna finds hot and I do not. LOL. Paul's singing "Rocket Man" which I think is actually a good choice for him. I'll just come out and say it, because it's been brewing...I am a Paul fan. I think he has a cool voice and he's weird and has pretty teeth. He won't win but I enjoy him.

Up next is Pia. Pleasedon'tsingaballadpleasedon'tsingaballadpleasepleaseplease. She is so freaking gorgeous. Okay, it's a ballad, but it's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me" which is an awesome, awesome song and reminds me of the time Clay sang it and it was fabulous and epic and I'm totally running on this sentence because I'm so pumped about this song. She better work the shit out of it is all I'm saying. Wow, CHEESY backdrop, show. The sun setting...get it? Rolling eyes. Ooh she gets gospel choir treatment. Her voice is amazing and this is awesome. She'll probably get lectured for doing another ballad, though.

Stefano is after the break. I'm still mad at him for doing Cookster's jam last week, but I'm slowly forgiving. During the makeover they put him in super tight pants. LOL. Oooh, he's singing that song Elton John sang for that guy on Who's the Boss! "Hold me close young Tony Daaaaaanza!" Or, "Tiny Dancer." Awesome, I love this song. Don't mess it up, dude. I feel like Stefano has more teeth than a normal person. Is that just me? Yes? I don't really love this. It's just okay. Sorry Stefano. He's beng kind of cheesy and I feel like he hit some clunker notes.

Next we have Lauren. Her makeover dress is super cute. She picked "Candle in the Wind" to sing this week. Interesting choice for her, I wouldn't have picked this one. She starts off a little rough I think and maybe was ahead of the piano for a second but she gets it back. She sounds like that girl from the Dixie Chicks a little bit. She's really great, sounds awesome, looks gorgeous. She had the whole package here tonight, go Lauren. Steven makes really terrible jokes. God.

I was going to go to bed and finish the rest of this in the morning, but James is on after the break, so I'll watch him at least. Cause then who's left? Thia, Casey, Haley and Jacob and the only one I'm curious to see out of that group is Jacob. Wonder who gets the pimp spot? I think Casey and Jacob already both had it. Anyway...James. Doing "Saturday Night's All Right." EXCELLENT choice for James, I think. He's doing great, this is so fun. I love this song. Woo James! Jennifer says exactly what I'm thinking--that you forget you're watching a competition show when he's on.

Thia's up next, singing "Daniel." I am over Thia. Did you know she's the youngest contestant this season? I had NO idea. Why haven't they mentioned that? We get on Pia for the ballads, but I think the only up tempo song Thia's done was her disastrous foray into "Heat Wave" last week, and that's not even all that much fun. BORED. With the fact that two people are going this week, I think we have a good shot at ditching Thia. She's a pretty girl and does have a lovely voice, but I'm done with her.

After the break, we have Casey doing "Your Song" which is my favorite, favorite Elton John song. Dammit Casey, and just when I was ready to move past you. I hope he sings it normally and not all scary and weird like he's been the past few weeks. And he's getting a haircut and hopefully a shave?? Thank God. Wow, the set looks amazing for this. See, this is beautiful. I LOVE this. Gorgeous. I hope Casey's figured out that he doesn't have to act all wackadoodle and growly and shit. His eyes are too close together, though.

Jacob's up next, which means Haley's in the pimp spot. Interesting. Jacob is kind of growing on me. He just puts it all out there and I'm starting to love it. He's doing "Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word" which I think some other contestants have done but I don't feel like looking it up. Oooh, Jacob gets FOG tonight. LMAO. Bren, remember when Archuleta rose out of the stage in a pile of fog at the concert? I mean, I can't really say anything about it. It's a standard Jacob performance, his voice is on point, he's a little OTT. What more can you ask for?

We're closing out the show with Haley, who admittedly, I have not been the biggest fan. Wow, she looks awesome after her makeover. Her hair is really pretty. AAAAAAND she's doing "Benny and the Jets." I'm intrigued now. She starts out sitting on the piano, which is a little weird. That's my thing with Haley I think. Her voice is interesting and she's mostly good, but her body stuff is awkward. Like last week when she was coming down the stairs and trying to dance and shit. She sounds great on this song though. Amazing way to end the show.

So I have to say, tonight was mostly good! Maybe every week should be Elton week. Awesome performances by James, Haley, Casey and Pia. Lauren and Paul and Jacob were good too. Everyone else didn't suck, either, they just aren't my favorites, haha. Well except Naima....waaaah waaah. I predict she, Thia and probably Stefano are B3. Probably Naima will go home. We'll see. Brenna has your results on Thursday night with performances by will.i.am, Jamie Foxx and Fantasia.

Most random ep ever or: Lindsay recaps like she's on drugs.

Last night, a lot of people were crap. Motown is important. And has also been the theme of this show roughly eleventy billion times. Randy still sucks as a judge, but JLO is actually not bad. Overly dramatic opening montage....THIS is AMERICAN IDOL.

Seacrest's hair is insane tonight. It looks like bedhead. Maybe he and Julianne Hough had a rousing romp in the sack before the show. Apparently, tonight's elimination is "shocking." Oh yeah, whoever gets cut tonight doesn't make the tour. The girls are all in white sparkly dresses and the guys in tux-like suits. What's up with the wedding garb? Pia is so gorgeous.

Okay, so Marc Anthony like, mentored the contestants for a minute? This is lame. Marc Anthony sucks, sorry. Fast forward. I really want Harry Connick Jr. to come back and mentor. That shit was hilarious.

"Ain't No Mountain High Enough" is our group number this evening. I still remember all the dance moves that we did to this song in our show choir's Motown medley. How many years have we been blogging? Four now? And I think this is the fourth year I referenced that Motown medley. NEW THEMES PLEASE. Naima looks super uncomfortable in her outfit. They are totally working the step-touch move here LMAO.

Hey, Stevie Wonder! This is pretty cool. He's probably like, please stop letting these children butcher my music. "Signed Sealed Delivered." Fun stuff, the contestants probably loved this. Apparently it's Steven Tyler's birthday. Stevie makes everyone sing to him and they drag his ancient ass up on stage and give him a cake. Happy 85th birthday, Steven! Random celebration and that means this show will probably run over time tonight.

FORD! Music video shoot. Fast forward. Time for results. First up to the center are Lauren, Pia and Scotty. Well, it should totally be Scotty in the bottom three, that shit was atrocious last night, but....#oldladyvote. So probably Pia will be our "shocker" in the bottom, or something. Oh, or I'm totally wrong, and they're all safe. LOL. Another commercial?? We just had one, Jesus.

Up after the break is Sugarland. Normally, I'd fast forward them, but my husband Adam likes them, so we're watching. What in the hell is Jennifer Nettles wearing???? ANYONE? ANYONE? She looks like an extra from the "Let's Get Physical" video, or one of the Holograms. Adam totally knows all the words to this song, which is weird, because he usually doesn't know jack and shit about music and has to ask me the names of songs or if "Justin Beaver" sings it. Yeah. LOL.

Dumb montage about how James likes pro wrestling. No. How do they still have time for this shit??? With the Steven birthday and JHUD still having to perform. God. More results. James and Paul come to the stage. Ryan tells them they're "not safe" tonight, and the hell??? Hulk Hogan comes out?? COME ON SHOW. Bottom line...both guys are safe. I will not comment on any other shenanigans involving the Hulk.

This recap is insane. This ep makes me feel like I'm on acid or shrooms or something. Now we've got Jacob, Thia and Stefano. Jacob is safe. Thia totally deserves B3 and my crush Stefano does too, for picking "Hello." Thia's in the B3, finally. And so is Stefano. Dude, if he's going home, JLO will totally want to use THE SAVE on him because she wants to do him. Stefano kind of looks like what Marc Anthony should look like if he ate once in a while, I think.

Now we've got Casey, Naima and Haley. Casey is starting to get scary, you guys. Haley's side ponytail is CRAY CRAY. Naima is safe tonight. Wow, she has a MASSIVE tat on her back. The third person in our B3 tonight is Casey. I'm not surprised about that, really. I guess that's Seacrest's shocker, but Casey's starting to get weird.

After the break, time for Jennifer Hudson! I love her. Remember when she got voted off and Elton John called people racist? Brenna and I were reminiscing about that today...fun times. She looks so fly. OMG GEORGE HUFF SINGS BACKUP FOR JHUD!!!! HI GEORGE! Brenna and I loved your ass.

Ryan is sending someone back to safety--it's Thia. Wow, color me shocked. I thought she'd be out. Okay, so we're down to Stefano or Casey. Commercials. I can't believe they're using Tik and also Tok in this Diary of a Wimpy Kid commercial, but it's pretty hilarious when that kid lip synchs it.

Down to these two boys and our person in danger this evening is...Casey. Stefano looks stunned and is safe. So, they're totally gonna save Casey, right? He's not my favorite but I think the judges lurrrrve him. So he starts singing and in an unprecedented move, the judges totally cut him off to tell him he's saved. Wow, that was kind of crazy. This whole episode has been nuts. Casey looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown. And there must be a shitload of swearing going on because the sound cuts out like every two seconds. JLO looks like she's about to freak out. This is the most insane thing ever.

So that means two people will get cut next week, and there's no top 10 on tour, there's a top 11. Crazy. We'll be back next week for more fun with our favorite headcases! Goodnight!

Motown... again.

In all the years this show has been on, has there been a more overdone theme than Motown Night? Because nothing says "this person will work on the radio today" more than songs popular 40 years ago. Seacrest tells us about Motown like this is the first time he's ever done it on this show, and away we go.

Oh, Liv Tyler is in the audience. Hi Liv! Your dad is insane.

Casey is doing Heard It Through The Grapevine, also covered by Danny Gokey, Fantasia & Andrew Garcia, based on my quick Google search. My point? We need new themes. Anyway, Casey. The song suits his voice really well, but he's rocking this creepy slicked back hair look that looks him look a little more crazy than usual. Yikes. He's talented, that's for certain, but I'm just not sure I'm totally on board with him yet. Ha, I just noticed that Steven recycled JLo's leopard print dress from a few weeks ago! And JLo is wearing a pink disco ball. They all love him, of course.

Thia: Heat Wave. It's all very underwhelming. I don't believe 16-year-old Thia Megia has ever felt a heat wave of love, but I could be wrong. Also, she's dressed like she's going to a Homecoming dance. JLo tells her she needs to act a little, continuing the trend of JLo actually giving on-point criticism. Who knew she had it in her? +1 to Thia for not doing a ballad, but meh.

Jacob should rock Motown, right? He's singing You're All I Need To Get By. This is the first time I've really felt him. His voice fits this song perfectly, and he is actually restrained to start off with, and then he goes crazy and his gospel vibe totally works. Steven obviously agrees, because he gets up from his chair and actually WALKS ON STAGE to congratulate Jacob, and I think he says "HALLELUJAH." The judges are worshiping at the church of Jacob, and I think I'm right there with him.

Oh poor Lauren has to follow that. She's doing You Keep Me Hanging On, which is probably one of my personal favorite Motown songs. And she is wearing a FABULOUS zebra print dress. It starts off slow, and I almost wish she'd kept it there, because it sounded fantastic. The rest is solid, but it's nothing we haven't seen on this show before. I can't believe I'm saying this, after the ballad-rific snooze fest this season has been, but I think I would have preferred it as a ballad.

Time for Lindsay's boyfriend Stefano! OH HELL NO YOU ARE NOT DOING HELLO. THIS SONG BELONGS TO DAVID COOK. I can't even grade this, because I'm grading on a scale against this, and he has no prayer. Next. (Note: that video links to resplendent in guyliner Cookster, not molester hair Cookster, so it's safe.)

Haley is singing You Really Got a Hold on Me. I don't know this one too well. I know Lindsay isn't a fan, but I like her voice and it fits this theme just as well as Jacob's did. She's got that Amy Winehouse throwback bluesy thing going on, and on top of that, she is wearing phenomenal f**k me shoes. I really liked it. And no lipstick on her chin this time! Success!

Oh no, Scotty. This is going to be Kevin Covais Part Time Lover bad, isn't it? He's singing For Once in My Life as a country song. No, not Kevin Covais bad, but KLC Eight Days a Week bad. In other words, pretty damn bad. Yet the judges inexiplicably love him.

Pia is up next, with All in Love in Fair. Damn, girl looks stunning. This kind of reminds me of when Jordin did I Who Have Nothing, which is probably the last time we had a diva who could belt these notes like this. She sounds incredible. I really have no more words for how awesome she sounds, because she hits every note, every song. JLo tells her she sounds great but needs to own the stage, and once again, I'm impressed at how constructive she is when she judges. Imagine if we had her AND Simon?

I actually forget Paul's name for a second, but that's who is up next. He is singing Tracks of my Tears. I just realized who I think he sounds like - James Blunt, and I hate that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL song, so that makes me like Paul a little bit less. Also, for the record, Lindsay, he so does NOT look like Bradley Cooper. It was good, I guess, but I'm not jumping out of my seat.

Naima is doing Dancing in the Streets. I feel like this song has been done 8,000 times on this show. I was just about to write that it's basically the same as any other time we've seen it and then Naima busts out into some weird reggae dance break. I'm not sure why exactly, and to be honest, I don't really get it. If she wants to dance, she should try out for SYTYCD. The judges are all over it though.

And finally, in the pimp spot, is my new favorite James. Do I hear a twinge of Lambert in him tonight? He's doing Living for the City, and it's pretty darn awesome. And you know what? That kid has some rock star in him. He knows how to work a crowd. They are eating. him. up. Judges love it too. OMG, I never noticed how tall James is next to Seacrest. LOL.

So bottom three should be Scotty (#oldladyvote), Thia, and Stefano, who should go home for not knowing American Idol History 101. Lindsay will take you through results tomorrow!

Yesterday was Thursday, and the results show.

Sorry for the delay, dear readers! I was so not up for blogging last night, especially a results show. But I love you so much that I'm dedicating the first part of my Friday night to something involving the Black Eyed Peas, so here we go.

I love JLo's dress. And OMG, Steven Tyler is wearing a purple sequined... something. Is it a jacket? An unbuttoned shirt? I honestly can't tell, but whatever it is looks like the love child of one of Chuck Bass's purple blazers and Serena van der Woodson's sequined skirts. Maybe it's stolen from Liza Minelli's closet? Cue the cheesy group performance!

It's Born To Be Wild... then Born This Way. Huh? Because they both have born in the title and this is year you were born week? That's about as creative as when Lee sang with Chicago last year, because he's from Chicago. Oh man, this just doesn't work, though at the end when they're singing both choruses at the end, it's kind of fun. Takes awhile to get there, though. Also, Haley can't dance.

FORD! music video. Dumb.

Idol claims to be celebrating its "10 year anniversary," which is false. It's the 10th season, not the 10th year, and I know this because this show started in the summer of 2002 when I was interning in New York, and everyone I lived with was watching, and I didn't get it until I agreed to one night and then got sucked in when I heard Kelly Clarkson. And then they moved really fast to make the second season, in the spring of 2003, and they held auditions in the fall of 2002, and I know this because I drove from Meadville to Detroit to try to audition only to not even get in the door. And then in the spring of 2003, Lindsay and I bonded over our mutual love of Clay Aiken, and many years later, this blog was born.

Whew. Writing that got me through an entire Q&A segment. Woo!

Ryan calls on Jacob, Casey, and Lauren. They're all safe. Next: Haley and Paul. Haley is in the bottom 3. Oh good, Pit Bull is in the audience with Mark Anthony. Who cares, because it's time for LEEEEEE. OMG, I love his voice. And he's adorable. Wow, he sounds more like Dave Matthews on this song than I've ever heard him, which is reason #340,983 why he should have sung Crash on this show last year. Aww, we love you Lee. Call us.

Time for Scotty, Pia, and James. James clearly read the MSHBB Manual and knew to impress us by singing Bon Jovi. #Oldladyvote, meh. Pia, you're amazing. They're all safe, obvi. Naima and Stefano. JLo soooo wants to bang Stefano. Naima is in the bottom 3, no surprise there. Finally, MySpace Karen and Thia, who is wearing Pocahontas braids. Karen rounds out the bottom 3.

Black Eyed Peas. Ugh. Didn't they ruin television enough during the Super Bowl halftime show? Fast forward.

Finally, results time. Karen is voted out, no judges save, cue the David Cook music and peace out. See you next week!

Birth year songs, or: I am ancient.

We open the show with the judges and Ryan telling us that we'll be able to purchase downloads of the songs with the proceeds going towards Japan relief efforts. That's awesome, well done, show. THAT is the definition of IGFB.

And now, onto to the show. Songs from the year of your birth, also known as, the night Brenna and I feel old as hell. Thia Megia (LOL) was born in 1995, people. I was a freshman in high school and she was a baby. Yeesh.

Top 12 comes out and Casey Abrams is here, yay! Glad he recovered from whatever mysterious ailment he had going on last week.

Naima is first, and she was born in 1984. OK, so she doesn't make me feel that old, haha. She's singing "What's Love (Got To Do With It?)" by the fabulous Miss Tina Turner. She could either rock this or crash and burn. She starts out pretty great, but when she gets to the first verse, she goes really super flat. And her outfit is bringing the cray cray. It puts some of the shit Siobhan used to wear to shame. This wasn't good. I might love her for being a little bit insane, though.

JLo's hair is HUGE tonight, guys. I love some big hair, work it girl. Oh, I missed last week that we're apparently doing the backstage cam again? Blech.

Paul was also born in 1984. His baby pictures are typically embarassing. His parents seem super cute though. He's singing "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" by the great Sir Elton John. PAUL. PLEASE BUY SOME LOOSER PANTS. I really enjoy Paul a lot. I don't know if I'd have picked this song, but he does his Paul thing with it. I think he sounds good vocally but the song is boring. Sorry, Elton. Paul won't win this show, but he's fun to watch sometimes.

Thia Megia. Born in 1995. I'm so crotchety. She's super cute, I never really paid attention to her, I don't think. Oh my God...she's really singing the Pocahontas song???? She's wearing a long tan gown that sorry, makes her look naked. I realize that's a teenager I'm saying this about, and I get that it's supposed to be like she's wearing a Pocahontas outfit or something, but it's not good. Neither is the song. BORING, THIA. And flat. You were boring as hell last week too. Come on, girl.

So far it's been an underwhelming beginning. Hey, Kate Hudson's in the audience with her kid, and they're eating Cheetos. Awesome.

Up next is James who was born in 1989. He was a super cute kid. I still think he looks like Buzz from Home Alone, sorry, James. He's got an awesome year to pick from I think. He's singing Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You" and I feel like this is gonna be good. Wow, if I close my eyes, he actually SOUNDS like JBJ. That is crazy. Go James. This is pretty fly. I'm on the James train, I think, even though I didn't like him two weeks ago, haha. Did Steven just get bleeped, or did something else happen?

After the commercials, we learn that Haley was born in 1990. Her mom had AWESOME late 80s/early 90s hair when Haley was a baby. I still don't like Haley's face. She's doing "I'm Your Baby Tonight" by Whitney Houston...really??? I hate this already. She has lipstick on her teeth. Thanks, high definition TV! This is kind of a train wreck. Haley does not have a Whitney Houston type of voice, this was a bad choice. THANK YOU RYAN for wiping her effing lipstick off her face. God, Haley. All the choices tonight suck so far except James.

Up next is Stefano. I think I might have a mini-crush on him. DON'T JUDGE ME. He was born in 1989. He's singing "If You Don't Know Me By Now"--LAME. Come on, guys. Everyone is
picking such shitty songs. Why are they putting us to sleep?? I think he sounds decent enough, but this song blows ass. The judges eat it up, and love all over him. I mean, it was good, but it wasn't THAT good. Bleh.

Pia's up next. HEY GIRL! LOL her home videos are a hoot. She's talking about her dead grandpa, so I smell a tribute ballad coming on. I was hoping for something upbeat. From 1989, another Whitney song, "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" Pia, girl, that outfit. I don't even know what to do with this. It's like a weird white satin jumpsuit thing. Pia's voice is for real though. Even though this song is weird, and I don't think this is the normal arrangement of the song.

Scotty's up, or as he's been officially christened on this blog, #oldladyvote. His parents are super cute and funny. Apparently he gets that deep voice from his dad. He was born in 1993, ARGH. He's singing some random song that I don't know by Travis Tritt, which, of course. "Can I Trust You With My Heart?" These songs are too old for Scotty. This is so predictable. I mean, I can't say that Scotty sucks, because his voice sounds nice, but this is just not my cup of tea. It's so weird. Shocker: Randy made an album with Travis Tritt. Is there anyone in the music biz that he hasn't claimed he's made an album with yet?

Commercials, then Karen, who was born in 1989. I feel like a lot of the contestants were born that year. The hell?? What is she WEARING? And her HAIR?? To quote a text from Brenna, "She's dressed like a fembot." Her mom compares Karen being on Idol to "her Oscar." Weird? Taylor Dayne's "Love Will Lead You Back" and it's bland and not good. These ballads are KILLING ME tonight. Please GOD, someone do something up tempo. Not a fan of Karen. I think she'll be B3 again this week.

OMFG, Casey is doing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" isn't he??? Like the spoiler we read earlier claimed. He was born in 1991, which is so bizarre to me because he looks like he's 30. I hope this is epic. Jimmy Iovine seems dubious. Uhoh. It's definitely a risk. My problem with this performance is that Casey isn't "dirty" enough for Nirvana. Like, he looks like he should be teaching a poetry class, or something. Casey's definitely talented, but I didn't love this. I might be in the minority, time will tell.

Up next is Lauren, who for some reason is wearing a surgical mask. Oh, she has the flu. I'm always skeptical when contestants claim illness. She was born in 1994, and just shoot me, LOL. UM, her mom??? Why is she dressed like a Bratz doll?? WTF? Oooh, she's doing "I'm The Only One" by Melissa Etheridge. I think this will really suit her. I love Melissa Etheridge. Shut up. She starts off a little rough, but she finds her groove by the chorus. It's good. I expected a little more, but she's sick, I guess. Still good.

So that leaves us with Jacob in the pimp spot. He was born in 1987. Oh man, he's doing "Alone"?? This should be interesting. I would have never picked this for him. Only Carrie and Allison have been able to pull this off on this show. Aww, remember Allison? I mean, Jacob's voice is normally awesome, I can't deny that. But something is stopping me from being 100% into him. There are some weird off key parts, but this is a great way to close the show, though.

So that was pretty much a boring show. Bottom three candidates for me include Karen, Haley and probably Naima. Karen should go, this week. Brenna will bring you the results, including Lee Dewyze's triumphant return to the Idol stage! WE LOVE YOU LEEEEE!

This isn't American Hair Idol

Can someone tell me when exactly Sean Combs decided to become "Diddy Dirty Money"? This guy has had more name changes in the past fifteen years. JUST PICK ONE. JLo's left sleeve is compensating for the fact that her right arm is naked. Adam Lambert is here. THIS....is American Idol.

Casey's in the hospital?? Well, shit. Ryan is talking to him through the TV like he's in nursery school. He's sick Ryan, not four years old. Get better soon, Casey!

Footage of the contestants moving into their house. It's insane, as can be expected. I really can't stand Haley's face. I'm sorry if that sounds bitchy, but it's true. Her face makes me crazy, and I can't figure out why. The kitchen in this house is amazeballs. And this coming from someone who hates to cook.

First cheesy group number of 2011! MJ medley starting with "Wanna Be Starting Something." I actually love this song. So much cray cray going on with everyone's outfits, I don't even know where to look first. Should I talk again about where Brenna and I were when MJ died? No? Guys, Paul McDonald's pants are SO TIGHT. I mean, so....soooo tight. Aww, "Man in the Mirror"--remember when Kris sang this, and we made fun of him and then we loved him. I gotta say, as group numbers go, this wasn't terrible.

The show is 1/4 of the way over and of course, we don't know jack shit about the bottom three. Sigh. FORD! music video shoot. Sucks. Amanda Seyfreid is here promoting her terrible-looking Red Riding Hood movie. Jesus, now footage of the top 13 at the premiere. NO ONE CARES. I also don't understand how this is going to be a movie. I wish I weren't watching this live so I could FFWD.

Finally, some results. First group is Jacob, Stefano and Karen. I'm so meh on Karen. Jacob's okay and I kind of like Stefano. I wouldn't be sad if any of these three got cut right now, I don't think. Karen's in the bottom three after some screwing around by Seacrest. Jacob and Stefano are safe.

Commercials are over and we come back to a performance by Adam Lambert. The song is called "Aftermath" and I only know that because he's been tweeting about it like, nonstop for a week LOL. Adam looks great and sounds great too. I enjoy him a lot. I'd rather watch him sing two songs than see what the hell DIDDY DIRTY MONEY's gonna do. Meh.

Next group up: Lauren, Ashthon, and Haley. It's gotta be Ashthon, right? I mean, she didn't even get voted in here, she was an effing wild card. Lauren kind of annoys me. I know she's only 15, but I just can't get on board with her "aww shucks" personality. Her voice is killer, though. She's safe, and deservedly so. Ashthon is channeling Syesha a little bit here tonight, with her look. Her hair is killer. Haley's got some GIANT feathers hanging from her ears.

Wait, Ashthon and Haley are BOTH in the bottom three??? So over half the group doesn't even get any camera time? That's kind of bullshit. Oh, they're invoking the judges' SAVE again this year? Blech. None of these bitches will get saved though.

Diddy Dirty Money. *snicker* Oh, this song. My husband just asked, "Who the hell is Diddy Dirty Money?" Exactly, babe. Why is the audience screaming? Nothing is even happening.

More results. Karen....is safe. So we're down to Ashthon and Haley. I really am not a fan of either of them, but Ashthon deserves to go more than Haley, for sure. And it's Ashthon. Well, the judges won't save her again, she used up her chance already. Plus they won't use the SAVE this early. But we'll still have to listen to her sing for her life, I guess. Who was the one last year that Simon flat out said, we're not saving you, before she even sang? I know it was a girl.

Anyway, Ashthon's out for good this time. Right choice, America. Way to go. And YAY for Cookster's "Don't You (Forget About Me)" being used as the goodbye song! See you next week, and please God, get well soon Casey.

Go away, #oldladyvote.

Here we go! Top 13. Woooo. Judges, producers, blah blah blah. Let's get this party started.

The Idols are all working with a producer this year in arranging the tunes, because they realized last year none of them could do it on their own. Lauren Alaina is up first, and she's singing Any Man of Mine, and OMG, I'm back in the SportsGarden in 2003. Side note: I definitely started this line dance one night in an Amherst, MA bar and managed to get a few undergrads to join in while everyone else stared at us. Ha. Anyway, Lauren. She's cute, and she sounds mostly good. But I agree with Steven when he says he wanted it to be a little more kick ass.

Casey Abrams is singing With a Little Help From My Friends. He gets the gospel choir treatment. In the first episode of the year! Wow. It sounds fantastic, and you can't deny he's talented. But.. dare I say... he's got some Taylor Soul Patrol Hicks spazziness about him. And he's kind of totally cheesy. And if you're into that sort of thing (which, obviously, America was back in season 5), he is going to be very popular. The judges predictably love it. Casey is definitely going to be interesting to watch.

The only thing Ashthon Jones has going for her (besides that weird extra H in her name) is her awesome hair. She sings a Diana Ross song called When You Tell Me That You Love Me, which I had to Google. It's not good. Can we all agree that Ashthon should not be here? I was pissed when they put her through last week. Meh. Next.

Paul McDonald is kind of weird, right? He's singing Come Pick Me Up, by Ryan Adams, another song I don't know. It's good, but I guess Paul missed the memo that our coffee house singer songwriter season was last year. (Call me, Lee Dewyze.) Also, Paul gives a creepy Constantine-like stare into the camera at the end. I should like Paul because he has that raspy voice I usually like, but I don't think I do. I don't know, it's weird.

Pia Toscano, who rocked our worlds last week. She's doing All By Myself, which is a tad overdone on this show, but I can't remember anyone doing it in the last few years, so we'll give her a pass. Also, because she's fantastic. She's like old school Idol diva here, back when this show was about who could sing the biggest. JLo is all, I wish I could sing like that. Randy calls it (I'm quoting this verbatim) "a very hot, dope, cool performance." Steven then wishes her a happy international woman's day, and this show has officially gotten out of control.

James Durbin has the misfortune of following Pia, and he has picked Maybe I'm Amazed. To me, James is what would happen if Adam Lambert and David Cook had a baby. I'm not totally feeling this though, I think he can do better. Aw, cute moment when JLo tells him to "let them clap" when they want to clap, and then he does that rock star thing where he makes everyone clap and then get quiet. I would love to stand on a stage and do that just once. Anyway, the judges love James. I think I might like him too.

Haley Reinhart is singing Blue and wearing a blue dress with a blue background on the screen. See what they did there? I'm not a huge fan of the song, but I think she did well. Definitely better than last week. Randy doesn't love it, but Steven actually puts together a coherent sentence, so yay.

I always wonder what possesses these kids to choose the songs they choose. Such as I BELIEVE I CAN FLY, Josh Lusk's choice. Yeah, he sounds good, but I can't take this song seriously. It's by R. Kelly and it was from the major motion picture SPACE JAM. Oooh, more gospel choir. Jacob does things with his voice that I'm not sure what you would call, and he sounds pretty spectacular all around. But again, SPACE JAM.

Thia Megia, seriously, your name cannot be real. She's singing Smile, the Charlie Chaplin one. It started off good, but then this weird beat kicks in and tries to modernize it, and then she's doing this weird dance, and it gets not good.

Stefano is singing Lately. The producers give this one a weird arrangement too. Just let them sing, guys. I wasn't a huge fan at first, but it definitely gets better as the song goes on. Still not one of my favorites though.

Karen Rodriguez, singing I Could Fall In Love by Selena. Apparently she was sick this week, which might explain why she sounded better last week. Oh, and she's wearing a sequined pants suit. No joke. This song is boring. If this show has taught us one thing, it's that being bad is better than being forgettable, so I'm a little worried about poor Karen after this one.

I don't get Scotty. Really, I don't. It's the #oldladyvote. He sings some Garth Brooks, I zone out and really don't care, and then the judges basically jizz all over him, and it's all very annoying to me.

Naima is singing Umbrella. Really? Huh. But she's in the pimp spot, so maybe she'll surprise me. Ooh she's dancing! One thing this show has never had is a genuine dance pop star (aside from the amazing underrated Blake Lewis), so this is kind of refreshing. I guess it's good, but I wouldn't try to sing a Rihanna song if you're trying to be taken seriously as a singer because RIHANNA CAN'T SING. Oh, and there was some kind of reggae interlude. Steven is iffy, JLo falls all over herself, and Randy actually says, "I was like, yo."

So there's your top 13! If it was up to me, your bottom three would be Ashthon, Scotty, and Karen, but God knows America is not that smart. Plus, #oldladyvote. Lindsay will take your results show tomorrow. Good night!

My DVR is terrible. OR: Top 13, abridged.

Ok, so my DVR did NOT record Idol last night, and that combined with the fact that my five month old refuses to nap today means I'm doing this blog posting in literally three minutes. Sorry to all four of our readers, LOL.

I did watch the first 40 minutes live last night, and in FORTY freaking minutes, they put THREE people through to the top 10--Scotty, Lauren A. and Pia. Seriously, and that took like, five minutes. The rest of it was meaningless filler that I was dreading having to recap anyway.

Rounding out the rest of the top five guys was Jacob Lusk, Paul McDonald, James Durbin and my boy Casey Abrams. The other three girls America voted in were Thia Megia (lol), Karen Rodriguez and shockingly, Haley Reinhart. I say shockingly because I'm amazed that the rest of America wasn't as uncomfortable as I was watching her weird, trying too hard to be sexy performance.

So okay, that left us with 14 losers, and apparently, the panel each got to pick a boy and a girl to basically sing for their lives, which left eight people just totally out in the cold. The ones who got to sing for the girls were Ashthon, Naima and Kendra. The guys were Stefano, who I think JLO totally wants to bang, Jovany, who apparently sang a freaking JON SECADA song, and tiny Robbie Rosen.

So yay that crazy Rachel Zevita and asshole Clint and kooky Brett are now out of our lives forever. I'm sad our girl Julia Gorilla didn't get a shot, but she tanked on that Kelly Clarkson song on Wednesday, so, see ya.

Out of the six semi-losers, the judges finally picked the three that would round out the top 13. Which, top 13 = annoying, except for that year they let SNOOP ANOOP in. Anyway, the judges put Ashthon, Stefano and Naima through.

I don't think this is the worst top 13 we could have ended up with. I love me some Pia, and Lauren Alaina rocked it on Wednesday. And apparently, people other than me are into kooky Paul McDonald, so that's fun.

Pretty much the only people I think we need to lose immediately are Haley, because we already had a skanky Haley on this show once (see: Scarnato, also hot pants) and Naima and Karen don't really do it for me either. For the guys, jury's still out on James Durbin for me, but I love Casey and Paul and relatively enjoy Stefano. And Jacob Lusk, if he tones it down a hair (or a thousand) has the potential to grow on me.

YAY for Hell Week being OVER! Next week, bring on the lame themes! I have no idea what they're doing on Tuesday but I'm sure it'll bring the crazy. Later, gators!

Ladies Night

You know that scene in The Social Network where the lawyer asks Mark if he has his attention, and then he goes on that awesomely written tirade about how he has the minimum amount of his attention? That's how I feel about the early rounds of Idol. So much so, that - full disclosure - when my DVR alerted me that I had two recordings going at 9:00 and I still wanted to watch the Pens game, I canceled Idol and let my roommate's recording of Modern Family go unharmed. So part of this blog will be the actual episode, and part will be me looking up videos in the morning or trying to catch performances on commercial breaks. Minimum amount of attention, just like Zuckerberg.

Up first: Ta-Tanysia Wilson. Wait, wasn't she just Tanysia last week? She's singing that Rihanna song I hate. (That doesn't narrow it down much, huh? It's Only Girl in the World.) To her credit, she sounds better than I've ever heard Rihanna sound live, but that doesn't mean it's good. JLo is wearing a disco ball tonight and loves it. Randy thinks it was just ok. Damn, I miss Simon.

Naima Adeapo. Dressed as the Chiquita banana. Singing Summertime. Oh noooooo girl, this song belongs to Fantasia. This is the very definition of cruise ship singing. Call up Royal Caribbean, they'll hire you, because this is not getting you to the final 12. OMG, thank you Randy, for mentioning Fantasia. Simon would be semi-proud.

Up next we have Kendra Chantelle, singing Impossible, which is one of my favorite Christina Aguilera songs. She is also wearing the tightest leather pants I have ever seen. It starts off fine, but somewhere around the middle it goes off the deep end, culminating in one final screechy note. Steven Tyler goes all creepy grandpa and says she's hot. Yikes.

OMG YOU GUYS. Rachel Zevita is wearing A CAPE. And then she throws it off. And then she starts singing a loungey version of Criminal. It is NOT GOOD. Fiona Apple's original is one of my favorite songs. It is so sultry and angsty and angry, and all that is lost in this. The thing is, I think if she had sung the original arrangement, it might have been good. She has that kind of voice. But.... man..... just, no. Steven accurately calls it too Broadway. JLo and Randy tell her it wasn't good. Rachel looks like she is dying inside.

It's time for Karen Rodriguez, singing HERO. Yesssss. Normally we have to wait for IGFB for this shit. Whoa, now she's singing in Spanish. Going after the Hispanic vote. Very smart, Karen. Muy inteligente. The judges love it. I didn't think it was spectacular, but it was solid. Probably the best of the girls so far.


Lauren Turner reminds me of someone, and it annoys me. She is also wearing a disco ball. She's singing Seven Day Fool. I don't recognize the song, but I love her performance. For the first time tonight, I think damn, that girl can sing. I just noticed Steven is wearing feathers in his hair. The judges like it, including some reference to being "Amy Winehouse meets Florence & the Machine." Um, ok?


Ashthon Jones is singing Love Over Me. Is this Diana Ross or something similar? It sounds soooo old fashioned. I'm bored. At least she has fabulous hair and a fun rapport with JLo.


Up next is Julie Zorrilla, who I think I liked last week. She's singing original Idol Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway, and not nearly as well as Kelly. Or even as me, in my bedroom. Ohhh, it is not good. Darn it, Julie.


Haley Reinhart sings Fallin', which is probably the most overused song in the history of this show. It starts off great, and it sounds good, but she's doing this weird thing - like, she's trying to be sexy, but she's so not, she's really just trying too hard, and she comes off as an SNL caricature of Christina Aguilera. It's all very weird. But if I close my eyes, I sort of like it. By this point I'm stuck watching the videos on the interweb, so I have no idea what the judges say about her.



Thia Megia, whose name I still don't believe is real, is singing Out Here on my Own, which is apparently from Fame. She has one of those voices that would be good on these cheesy 80s ballads. Geez, this song is boring. Nice note at the end, but overall, meh. Back to hockey before I hear what the judges say.

Lauren Alaina is up next with Turn on the Radio. Thank God someone is bringing the rock tonight, even if it has a country twang. Wait, is this tutu girl??? OMG, it is. She has an Allison Iraheta vibe going on. I like it! And much better fashion choice tonight, girl. She has potential.

And finally, Pia Toscano, who Lindsay informed me this morning was "legit." She's singing I'll Stand by You with serious pimp lighting. Basically, she rocks it. It's gorgeous and effortless, and I'd call her our first front-runner of the season.

So there are your ladies! Pia, Lauren Alaina, & Lauren Turner must move on, in my opinion. The others, I could take 'em or leave 'em. If Rachel gets through, I have officially lost faith in this show. Lindsay will take the results for you tonight. Yay for one quick hell week! :)

I know what boys like

I'm recapping Tuesday night in two parts, because I'm tired as hayell. So this here blog posting will consist of the first hour of tonight's show, and I'll get to the second hour sometime tomorrow morning. Basically, the three weeks that make up the Top 24 are HELL for Brenna and me. Come on, we're talking FIVE HOURS of Idol in THREE days. Exhausting.


Let's see how many of the top 12 guys I can recall off the top of my head, without peeking at the last two blog postings. Casey Abrams. Paul McDonald. Tim Halperin (aka Jim Halpert). Robbie Rosen? And Jovany Something and Stefano Whosit. And the Carrot Top/Shaun White guy--Brett something. I got 7 out of 12. GO ME.


Anyway, let's get busy. Oh wait...this show is only 90 minutes tonight?? HOORAY. So scratch that first paragraph. I can't believe this is the 10th season of this show. Remember how low budget it was in the beginning? Wait, this set looks weird. Whoa, the whole format is changed....WTF? OK, so guys tonight, girls tomorrow, and then the top 10 is announced immediately on Thursday? THANK GOD. I am so relieved, you guys. It's kind of crazy though that these 12 guys basically only get one shot to make it to the top group.


Oh, Hipster Glasses, I forgot him. And Jordan Dorsey. And James Durbin. And Scotty McCreery. And Jacob Lusk, Gawd.


Hipster Glasses aka Clint Jun Gamboa is first. And..."Superstitious." Sigh. Clint, this joint has been DONE. Idol really needs to spring for the rights to some new songs. Just siphon off a little of the IGFB money, guys...no one will know. I don't care for Clint. He's too over the top, and not in a fun Glambert way, plus he's annoying. And this song has been done better before on this show. NEXT.


After the break, Jovany Barreto is next. Oh, he was one of those...took his shirt off in his audition. Rolling eyes. He's singing "I'll Be"--confession: I was OBSESSED with this song when it was popular. Whatever happened to Edwin McCain anyway? Jovany kind of sucks. And something about his suit looks weird. It's really ill-fitting I think. This was totally underwhelming, sorry Jovany. I never thought I'd agree with anything Randy said, but gawd, JLo and Steven Tyler suck as judges tonight.


Now we've got Jordan Dorsey. I don't think I have an opinion one way or another on him yet, so this will be interesting. I'm really digging these abbreviated intro packages this year. Cut to the chase, Idol. He's totally singing Usher's "OMG"--nice. I appreciate that he's trying to keep it current and not sing something tired, CLINT. It's not the greatest vocal, he's focusing a little too much on the dancing for me, but at least it's something fresh.


After the commercials, it's Tim Halperin. I enjoyed Tim a lot during Hollywood Week and think he and Casey might be my current favorite boys. Tim needs a haircut bad. Oooh, this is my favorite Rob Thomas song! "Streetcorner Symphony." Tim starts out a little rough, though, ouch. Come on Timmy! Fix it. I won't lie, I'm totally jamming over here. This isn't a great performance though. Damn, I'm worried for Tim. ALkjdflkjad;lfasfas.


Up next is Brett Loewenstern. That hair, you guys. I can't get on board. OMG, and I've never heard him speak before. He sounds like a girl. "Light My Fire", by the Doors. Points for picking a different song. I don't think I'm into Brett. This was probably a good song choice for him though. I don't really know that I've seen him perform before this, since I started watching late this year, and I don't love him based on this performance, but I bet he'll get voted through, so I'm interested to see what else he does. Wow, and he's shorter than Seacrest. I didn't think that was possible.


I don't care about the premiere of JLo's new music video, or choosing the ending of it. After the break, it's James Durbin. James is another one that I don't really remember having seen before, so he's brand new for me. Is he the "rocker" of this year? Oh guess so. "Another Thing Coming." Is this the first time a Judas Priest song has been done on this show???? I'm gonna vote yes. I'm not into James' shtick. His face looks like Buzz from Home Alone. Steven Tyler's dropping F bombs all over the place. Maybe I'm jaded, but I wasn't into this at all, and the judges are just giving him a tongue bath. Meh.


Commercials are over, and it's tiny Robbie Rosen. I say tiny, because he's 17, but I have no idea how big or small he is in real life. I bet Robbie does something tired. Oh weird, Sarah McLaughlin's "Angel." Interesting choice, small Robbie. He's not terrible, and I love the song's original version. Just a little sleepy and boring. OK, I lied, he is terrible. I pretty much hate all these guys. I was counting on Tim, and he failed, and now all my hopes are just hanging on Casey.


My husband just said, "People on this show think they're so good and they're not. I can say this because I'm a perfect singer." Awesome.


Seriously, another commercial?? Ugh, and coming back to Scotty McCreery and Stefano. Can I just bleep bloop through both of them? No? Scotty seems like a sweet kid, but I just don't get why he's here. I don't know this song, I'm not the biggest country fan out there, so my apologies for that. Thanks Google! It's "Letters From Home" by John Michael Montgomery. I mean, that was a total karaoke performance. I just have a hard time believing Scotty as a legit performer. He looks overly styled too.

Stefano Langone is up next. I find him oddly attractive. He's doing Bruno Mars' "Just The Way You Are", which is so effing played out, but I still love it. Stefano's pretty good, he gets a little flat throughout the chorus I think, but he started out strong. Oooh, a little ouchy on the falsettos, but pretty solid otherwise. Thanks for not totally sucking, Stefano! I want to pronounce his name STE-fano but it's Ste-FAH-no. I gotta remember that.

After the break, we've got Paul McDonald. I was sort of into him after I blogged the episode last week, so we'll see if he still is growing on me. OMG, are you kidding me?? He's doing "Maggie May"?? That is so LOLtastic. Paul kind of looks like he's on something, maybe. I can't tell if his act is totally contrived, or if he's just bizarre, or just a little bit off his rocker. Jury's still out on Paul, but I didn't despise this, so that's something. His teeth are blindingly white, it's like that ep of Friends when Ross got his teeth bleached and they glowed in that chick's black light.

Crazy Jacob Lusk is next, which means Casey's in the pimp spot. Jacob is probably one of the most OTT contestants this show has ever seen, and we've had Glambert. "A House is Not a Home" by Luther Vandross. RIP Luther. Here's the thing with Jacob. I think he has an amazing voice. Technically, it's lovely, and I don't think he hits a bad note in the whole song. But he's just so...I can't even find the word to describe him. I just wish he'd tone it down a few notches.

As previously stated, Casey Abrams is in the pimp spot. I'm counting on him to save this show for me tonight, because it's been an exercise in mediocrity for the most part. My cable cuts out for a second during his interview package, and I'm about to go apeshit. Casey's doing "I Put a Spell on You" and I wish I knew this song. I've said a million times on this blog that it's hard for me to get into songs I don't know. Casey kills it though. Brings down the freaking house. He's going into the "Needs a Makeover" column right above Jim Halpert, but vocally? Love.

So it's crazy that we're cutting this group down from 12 to 5 on Thursday, with a wild card or two in between. I honestly have no idea who will make it through, but based on screen time prior to this? Probably Casey, Brett, Robbie, Stefano maybe, and maybe Scotty just because he's been shoved down everyone's throats. Brenna will recap the ladies for you tomorrow night!

Jennifer Lopez and the Airplane Hangar of Doom

Blah blah blah, airplane hangar, making dreams come true, Jennifer Lopez crying, drama, THE CHAIR. This set feels like a leftover from an Indiana Jones movie. How the hell we still have two hours of this boggles my mind.

Oh, Lord. Jenny from the block is still crying. This isn't a competition for who has the most tragic story, it's a singing competition, so let's move on to the actual singing, please. We finally get past that and start with Karen Rodriguez. Karen is apparently a big JLo fan and sings a jazzy version of If You Had My Love, which is actually kind of awesome. Karen is in the top 24.

Next: Robbie Rosen, who looks like a Jonas Brother.  He sings in falsetto and has prominent eyebrows. Tweens will love him. He's in.

Tatynisa Wilson. She butchers that song I hate about hoping you dance, but has fierce hair. She cries a lot, and she's in.

Out: Brittany Mazur and Jimmy Allen, who is wearing a vest with a beater underneath like LL Cool J circa 1994.

Tim Halpern walks the long walk into the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. I get a Kris Allen vibe from him, and if the Idol stylists work their magic and fix his hair, he could be cute. He sings an original song for the SING FOR YOUR LIFE portion. He's in. I think I might like him.

Julie Zorrilla is wearing a tutu. The clips of her in Hollywood Week sound pretty good. They drag it out forever, telling her they need to feel something when she sings, before telling her she's in, of course. She then picks up - and almost drops - Seacrest. I like Julie.

Two country singers. Seacrest's voiceovers have to be written by the same people who write Gossip Girl. Something about one of them being put out to pasture. First up is Scotty McCreery, who has a super deep Johnny Cash voice going on and makes JLo think inappropriate thoughts about a teenager. He's in. The other country guy, whose name is actually JOHN WAYNE SCHULZ, is not.

Jovany Bareto. He apparently took off his shirt during his audition. He's like The Situation meets Mark Anthony. He's in.

Lauren Turner. She was a housekeeper. She's got a bluesy belty sort of voice. She's also in. Geez, are they cutting anyone?! It seems like everyone is getting through. Ok, good, here we go. A few cuts of people whose names I don't catch.

Rachel Zevita was at Hollywood Week in season 6 too, and she has a hilarious grandmother who tells Seacrest he's losing too much weight. Rachel has Siobhan's craziness but not her voice, even though she sings my favorite Lady Gaga song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Just not all that well. Yikes. Oh Lord, she's through. The craziness will continue. There has to be at least one every season. Lindsay texts me that she's this year's Tatiana, which is correct, even though I wish Lindsay hadn't reminded me of that crazy bitch's existence.

Kendra Chantelle. She sings Fallin', which has to be one of the most overused songs on this show. She's pretty good. She's in.

Jordan Dorsey. He's the one who kept holding auditions during GROUP NIGHT. Ew, this is the contestant Simon would call cabaret. He's just too much. Also, I miss Simon. Jordan is through.

Wait, did I say Julie was wearing a tutu? No. Lauren Allaina is wearing a tutu. That's leopard print. And cowboy boots. Seacrest calls her Cowgirl Barbie. Seriously, look at this mess:

Wait, she's 16?!?!?! WTF, she wears more makeup than I do. Girl is going to have wrinkles at 25. Regardless, Cowgirl Barbie is in.

Stefano apparently had some kind of accident and has a scar. He sang an original song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Meh. There's nothing unique about him. He's in.

Jackie Wilson. Your lipstick is too red, girl. She's out.

Jacob Lusk. Big voice. He spasms his way through God Bless the Child, which Randy then calls the single best performance ever on Idol. It was good, but I don't think I'd go best performance ever. Jacob twitches and dances and squeals some more when they tell him he's in and OH MY GOD IT'S TAYLOR HICKS 2.0. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

We're finally in the home stretch. Pia Toscano: in. James Durban: has Tourettes and is in. Casey Abrams is a Seth Rogen lookalike who plays the stand-up bass. AWESOME. He's got a cool throwback voice, but I worry it might get old quickly. He's in, and then THE CHAIR falls off the stage. OH NO SAVE THE CHAIR.

Finally. Two girls left. Thia Megia and Jessica Cunningham. Thia sang You Raise Me Up in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. In my mind, that should be an automatic elimination along with the hoping you dance song. Barf. Jessica looks like a baby Kara Dioguardi. Steven undresses her with his eyes several times. Jessica has auditioned seven times, and it's her birthday, and she gets cut. Ouch. Thia is through.

Three guys left. Brett Lowenstern, aka Shawn White, Jacee Badeaux, who was the guy kicked out of his group on Group Night, and Colton Dixon, who seems to be taking hair and wardrobe advice from Mike Green. Jaycee is cute, but cute for Glee, not American Idol. Brett sings an original song. Emo Colton sings some Daughtry and is killer at the piano. The judge drag it out as long as possible, and Brett makes it through. Seriously?? I can't handle that hair for very long. And he actually says, "It doesn't matter who made it, because we're all shining stars." Ohhhh Shawn White, bottle that shit up.

So there's your top 24. Three nights of this next week. Woohoo!!! Peace out.

Beatles, take 4000

Last week, two rooms full of 61 nutcases and character disorders moved on to the next round of the show. This week is the weird new mess of where they go to Vegas to learn a Beatles song in 24 hours and perform it on some giant, Cirque du So-Lame type set. I only just started watching this show and I already can't wait for the top 24.

Also: I don't care for the new credits. I'm crotchety and old and don't like change.

Bus ride to Vegas. Can you imagine being trapped on a bus with these people?? LOL. Also they should make the judges ride on the bus too. I would be excited to tune in to watch that.

Rehearsals. Thia Megia and some girl get told off by Peggy the vocal coach. Awesome. Another trio is struggling too. How hard is it to sing a Beatles song, seriously? Lauren Alaina needs to pull it together. My new favorite people on this show are the vocal coaches. Let's have a spin off about them. They are all deliciously bitchy. Especially Peggy. "You're gonna die on stage" is my new favorite quote.

Visit by Jimmy Iovine and "the best music people in the business." The kids have to sing in front of them now, and they're tanking. SCORE. This is excellent TV. Jimmy busts out all the best criticism, he's like the new Simon.

I don't understand the format of this episode. Why is this two hours long? There's so much wasted shit here. OK, we're in front of the judges finally. Stefano something, "unemployed" and James Durbin, also "unemployed." My dad's comment about James while watching this with me: Who does that kid think he is, Sgt. Pepper? Dad, keepin' it real. They're just okay.

Two girls who knew each other in High School. Pia Toscano and Karen Rodriguez. They aren't terrible, I guess. I love Pia's outfit and shoes. Their performance is a little cruise shippy, but not bad. Now we have Haley Reinhart, who I think I hate, Naima Adedapo whose look is CRAZY and Jacob Lusk, who might be kind of awesome based on his performance I recapped last week.

Rachel Zevita needs to be gone. She can't be real. I rather enjoyed the snippet of Lauren Turner's "Let it Be." She sang with that Jovany guy. Tim Halperin is pretty good. Piano guy. He duetted on piano with Julie Gorilla. This was actually pretty good.

After commercials, we have a trio of Jerome Bell, Lakeisha Lewis and Tatynisa Wilson. Lakeisha is the best one in this group by far. And I cannot continue to type Tatynisa's name. COME ON. Then Kendra Chantelle and Paul McDonald sing "Blackbird" which is my favorite Beatles song. Paul's better than Kendra.

Montage of some pretty decent groups, but they don't show us anyone's names during this montage so I'm not sure who's who. I recognized Hipster Glasses in there but that was it.

Segue from Steven Tyler being weird to, SHOCKER, Ashley Sullivan being weird. I mean, can we PLEASE cut her?? For our sake as well as hers? Because girl ain't right. OH GOD, and her and her equally batshit boyfriend are going to the Britney Spears' wedding chapel to get married. FAST FORWARD, I do not have time for this shit.

Commercials are over and we're back with Day Two of Vegas auditions. Thia and Melinda Ademi were the girls who got berated by Peggy the vocal coach. Their performance is so twee and ridiculous. It's like bad show choir. NEXT. Oh God, not NEXT, it's Ashley "newly married" Sullivan and some poor girl named Sophia. And I am not typing Ashley's new last name. This performance blows. It's all nasally and weird. Ashley has zero stage presence.

Lauren Alaina, Scotty McCreary and Denise Jackson are next. Denise looks like a hooker and Scotty looks like he's about to go on college interviews. And his voice is weird. And Lauren is okay I guess, but she needs to drop the Madonna circa 1989 look ASAP. She is only 15. JLO actually offers decent criticism, telling them that the song just didn't fit them. Agreed. Bad.

Carson Higgins and Caleb Hawley are delightfully weird. I think I love Casey Abrams a lot. He and Chris Medina are pretty awesome. I can't believe Casey's only 19, he looks like he's 30. The final performance after the break is Robbie Rosen, Aaron Sanders and Jordan Dorsey. Apparently they sang together on GROUP NIGHT too. They're pretty good, I think Aaron might be the best one.

So wait, if this is the finale of Beatles day, what the hell are they going to fill the next hour of this show with?? Ahh, the "brutal cuts" we've been hearing so much about. Seacrest is so dramatic. Thia, Scotty, Jordan Dorsey, Ashthon, Robbie, Lauren are all through. I can get on board with Ashthon, Robbie, Jordan and Lauren, I guess, but Thia and Scotty are meh.

People get cut, including crazy Carson and "White House intern" Molly DeWalt. Aww, Caleb Hawley got cut too, I think I was starting to like him. Denise the hooker gets cut and FINALLY PRAISE JEEBUS, Ashley Sullivan gets cut. BYE CRAY CRAY. So now the rest of the peeps (40 total) have to go back to LA for...what now? More solos? And wait, THE CHAIR is tonight?? God, I am so confused. This episode is way too long.

Okay, we're in an airplane hanger now? WTF, show? Also JLO appears to have a breakdown at some point. Nice. First up is Naima Adedamo. She is seriously wearing what looks like either a bad bridesmaid or mother of the bride dress. Montage about Naima, she cleans toilets or something. She's through, after some dicking around by Steven. OMG she totally tells JLO that she used to watch In Living Color and wanted to be a flygirl like her. That kind of ruled.

Holly Cavanaugh is 17 and blonde and next to THE CHAIR. She's very cute and wholesome looking. Ew, she sang that Miley song about the mountain in her initial audition. Blech. Her montage shows that she's pretty good. They tell her no, even though JLo tells her she could come back and win the whole thing. Which I can totally see. Maybe JLo isn't a terrible judge after all?

Other people get cut, including Lakeisha Lewis, which sucks, because she was the only good one in her group. And some kid named Alex Ryan...who? Sorry about your lack of screen time, Alex.

Hipster Glasses aka Clint Jun Gamboa is up in the chair next. Because I hate him, he'll probably be through. I think Clint's like a cartoon character, like I could see Fred Armisen playing him on SNL or something. Clint, STOP TALKING. Of course Clint's in the top 24. Barf. Guys, don't vote for him. After commercials, Haley Reinhart. She just rubs me the wrong way, and I don't know why. She's through to the top 24.

OK, DeAndre Brackensick is 16 and has a face that is meant for modeling. I'm being 100% serious. I could see him shilling for Abercrombie. He was in the group with all the teenagers and their moms on GROUP NIGHT. I think he sounded pretty good overall, though. Of course, because I felt like I was starting to enjoy him, he gets cut. Dammit.

Paul McDonald is next. I enjoyed him in the duet he did with that Kendra girl. He has a "distinctive" voice, according to Ryan. It's definitely different. I would like to listen to him sing the entirety of Blackbird by himself. LOL okay, I gotta give him a point or two for the ridiculous suit he wore for his final audition. Minus a point for singing an original song, that shit never works. Oh he's in! Okay, yay. I might actually like someone in the top 24.

Ashthon Jones, I remember liking her during Group Night. OMG, why did she sing "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" for her final audition?? LOL, Ashthon, come on, crack is wack! She made it through, so that's two so far that I like in the top 24.

Okay, I think I'm at the end of the ep here. Who is the final person that makes JLo cry and say she doesn't want to do this anymore? Is it Chris Medina? Oh right, he's the one with the fiancee in the wheelchair. I think he might need a makeover if he makes it through. He sounds pretty good, but he's not my favorite. And he gets cut. I'm actually surprised, usually the show is all about pimping out people's sob stories....GOKEY. Sorry Chris.

Tonight, Brenna gets to recap two hours of THE CHAIR. I honestly don't understand how they're going to fill two more hours with this, but it's Idol, they'll figure out a way.

I feel ripped off

Hey guys! So excited to be back blogging our favorite trainwreck of a show! Before I get into last night's ep, I need to ask for some leniency. In case you don't know me in real life or from Facebook or Twitter, I had a baby last October. And while I'm not planning on mentioning my son in all my blog posts, because that would just be annoying, there are times when the Lindsay-designated eps of Idol may not be blogged immediately due to a multitude of infant-related issues. Last night was one of those times, so apologies for the lateness of this post!

So I felt totally jacked when I started watching this, because in my head, after Group Night comes THE CHAIR. But apparently, I forgot about the other step in this hateful process, which is the additional solos, then the whole dividing into rooms thing. I'm bitter. Anyway, let's get started. Last night was the awesomeness of Group Night, where we witnessed spectacular meltdowns and Brenna and I tried to get to know this year's crop of crazies. Literally the only person's name I know right now is Ashley, the one with the crazy eyes who tried to quit.

We're down to 100 exhausted souls. Montage of people waking up, primping, eating, filler, filler, filler. First up is Haley "in need of some Infusium" Reinhart. I can't decide if I covet or hate her shoes. Her face is annoying though. I don't like her. Her voice is some sort of mashup of like Joss Stone and someone else. Ashthon Jones has amazing hair and one too many H's in her first name. Oh, "And I Am Telling You." She sounds pretty great though, if a little generic. Her body is slammin', though. Thia Megia is wearing a sweater that looks like it was designed by a kindergarten on acid and sounds pretty awesome. I don't remember any of these people from Group Night.

After the break, we get a montage of contestants effing up, which is always fun. Oh, and blaming the band too, nice. Hey assholes? Have you seen this show? DON'T BLAME THE BAND. Oh god, I hate Frances Coontz. She has stupid Drew Carey glasses on and is freaking singing "Hey Soul Sister"--WHY?? That song really needs to go away, I can't believe it won a Grammy. Up next is the guy Brenna christened "Hipster Glasses", whose real name is Clint Jun Gamboa. He has another pair of annoying glasses on tonight. He also is an asshole and kicked that chubby teenager out of his group. Eff you, Clint.

Clint is still the only person I recognize from Wednesday night. Montage of interchangable blonde girls singing bluesy songs. I'm tired of bluesy girls. I would love a Ke$ha-like trainwreck to win this show so bad. Chris Medina-- I think he's the one with the handicapped fiancee, maybe? I missed all the sob stories that aired though all of January. Carson Higgins--has weird hair and is a surfer. And apparently incited RANDY JACKSON to say "that blonde dude is crazy" during Group Night. Dude, if Randy thinks you're crazy? Dial it back. LMAO okay, both these guys are singing "My Prerogative". Remember when Britney covered that shit on one of her albums? Chris has a nice face, but the Polamalu hair isn't working for him.

Commercials are over and we come back to a group of contestants playing instruments. Cute girl playing the piano singing Sara Bareilles. Julia Zorrilla is her name, LOL. Hereafter christened, Julia Gorilla. I'm so original. Stoned looking guy playing guitar is Caleb Hawley. Sorry guys, I'm trying to learn names. Colton Dixon has Blake-ish hair and plays piano and sings Daughtry. Okay, Shaun White/Carrot Top's name is Brett Lowenstern. Robbie Rosen is 16 and has Uncle Jesse hair circa like, 1989. And kind of looks like Andy Samberg about the face when he sings.

Casey Abrams plays weird instruments and looks like Seth Rogen. Also I can't type his name without thinking of Vanessa Abrams. He looks like your music teacher from elementary school and his occupation is "works at film camp"--huh? Okay, but he can kind of wail. Sorry I ripped on everything about you, Casey! Sick blonde girl who's friends with the girl here with her ex--ex girl is Chelsee, sick girl is Jacqueline. Oh, I guess I didn't need to bother learning her name, since she bailed. Chelsee kind of sucks and is dressed like a PTA mom. And, fast forward.

Lauren Alaina is the one I said is dressed in an outfit that was my "costume" when we went to see the Legwarmers play (an 80's cover band). Wow, she's only 15? She looks way older. Don't grow up too fast, sweetie. Of course, Idol will probably age her in ways we never thought possible. Up next is Jacob Lusk. Wow, he's kind of awesome a little bit. A little over the top, but dayum. The judges and audience all go apeshit, and Jacob had some kind of religious experience at the end of his performance.

John Wayne Schultz--cowboy. Zzzz. Very bland. Oh God, Ashley Sullivan needs about a fistful of downers and to maybe not be auditioning for this show. OMG, there's a "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul"??? LMAO. Brenna, how do neither of us own this book?? Very crappy rendition of "Everything" by Buble. Come on Ashley, just give it up.

Break's over--montage of three young guys. Stefano Langone--cruise ship. Jovany Barretto--poor man's Enrique/Marc Anthony. Jacee Badeaux--I think I automatically love him because he got dicked over by Hipster Glasses. He will so get eaten alive by this show, though. Probably better if he just gets cut now.

Scotty McCreary--weird deep Johnny Cash voice. I can't get behind that, sorry, guys. Wow, and he totally biffs the lyrics to "I Hope You Dance." See ya, Scotty. LMAO the subtitles of what he was actually singing, that was hilarious. Tatynisa Wilson also jacks up the lyrics pretty bad, and I hope she gets cut because her name is annoying to type. I wish the editors would always do subtitles of effed up lyrics.

Montage of judges' deliberations, and the splitting of the group into four rooms. Dammit. I wish this was the chair so bad. Room One has crazy Ashley, Shaun White and Jacee Badeaux. They're all through. Casey Abrams, Lauren Alaina and some other peeps are in that room too. Room Two has people I don't know. Room Three has Chelsee Oaks and other randoms. Room Two gets cut. Steven Tyler delivers bad new in kind of a shitty way. I prefer Simon's "It's the end of the line." Room Three gets cut too. Room Four has crazy sweater Thia and Ashthon Jones among others. They're all through.

Next week, the judges "up the ante" and give the contestants 24 hours to learn a song, and then something else happens that I don't know because my DVR cuts off. SERIOUSLY, Idol, the show isn't even live yet and you're still running over time. FAIL.

We're baaaaaaack.

We tried to quit, we really did. But the allure of GROUP NIGHT was just too much. And you missed us. You know you did. So, without further adieu, this... is My Spirit Has Been Broken.

The producers throw some chaos into the field early. Apparently there was a day 1 and day 2 of auditions, and day 1 people tried to get started early, but then producers told them the groups had to be a mixture of 1s and 2s. Everyone freaks out and practically cries already that they don't have any 2s, and then this chick from New Jersey whose bra I can see and is apparently a professional choreographer can't find a group. At one point she is on her knees singing in front of this guy, guy walks away and calls her crazy, and you know the cameramen are loving this shit. She finds a group with a Shawn White lookalike, recruits a girl away from that group, then the Shawn White group tries to recruit the guy who called the crazy New Jersey girl away from his group, and holy shit, I have a headache already. I need a flow chart. At one point, New Jersey girl (let's call her Snooki from now on) is actually SINGING on the microphone to try to recruit people to her group. For the love of Seacrest, I have missed this desperation. :)

Next we showcase this girl named Ashley who was a crying, emotional mess during most of auditions. So, yeah, she's crying tonight. Snooki still can't find a third member for their group, so the producers finally tell she can be a duet. There is a group called Brothers From Another Mother, who is kind of awesome, because they're practicing in the men's restroom. A group full of teenagers has their mothers there "watching," and by "watching" I mean "living out their childhood dreams through being overbearing stage mother."

One thing Idol has never really done is relationships. Guess what, folks. This year we have it! The group Three's Company has an ex-girlfriend and boyfriend, along with some chick whose boyfriend was already cut. The exes don't really speak, and the ex-boyfriend says he's screwed because the ex-girlfriend is calling the shots. Um, dude? You could have joined another group. Crying Girl quits her group and wants to go home and is a general disaster. The other girls in her group are not impressed.

OUCH. One of the groups actually CUT one of their members. What the hell, that's terrible. I hope the dbag in the hipster glasses gets his ass cut for that one. And in another group, another dbag voluntarily switched groups. Crying Girl decides she's back in (of course) and rejoins her group at 2:30am. The Shawn White group is still looking for another member, and the guy who got cut joins the group, and the one girl basically says "PRAISE JESUS WE FOUND ANOTHER MAN."

Finally, it's morning, and every group is exhausted, and most are pissed off. JLo appears to have a CinnaBun on her head, and I just don't even know what to say about Steven Tyler just yet. Our first group does a easy listening version of Grenade, which I don't like much, even though I guess they're good. I want to see train wrecks. We might get one, because now we have 4+1, which is the group the guy who quit his group joined. (I really need to learn names.) JLo likes them, they all make it through, and his old group is pissed. His new group is so over him. But you know what? His old group? They're kind of awesome, and they all get through.

Snooki and the poor girl she's singing with take the stage. JLo says "OMG, you guys, I am so scared of this group." +1 for JLo. I think Snooki raided the actual Snooki's closet, because she is wearing a leopard jumpsuit thing leaving very little to the imagination, and the other girl is dressed like a stripper from Staten Island, and man, it is baaaaaaad. Snooki and the stripper are going home. (In other news, Snooki and the Strippers would be a fantastic name for a band.)

The following things happen next: A member of the group Spanglish oversleeps, and another member salsa dances on stage for no apparent reason. Steven Tyler forgets what he is doing. A girl from Ohio does a disgusting trick where she pulls a spaghetti noodle through her nose. Spaghetti Noodle Group puts Steven Tyler on stage and sings to him. JLo makes some brilliant facial expressions. Lots of people I didn't care about get cut.

It's now time for Crying Girl's group, and OMG, they're singing Hit 'Em Up Style. GREAT SONG CHOICE. And they're actually pretty good. Awesome harmonies, and they all make it through. The Stage Mom Group absolutely nails Somebody to Love, and somewhere, Lea Michele cries a little. Another group nails Get Ready, a capella at that. Way too many groups are singing Forget You, so by what seems like the fifteenth one, I start to zone out.

We're now up to the Shawn White group. The kid who got kicked out of his first group gets through, along with everyone else, and I kind of get teary, while my roommate's boyfriend says, "Wow, Seacrest is such a douche." Ha. Hipster Glasses Group is up next. Even though I really want to punch Hipster Glasses Guy (whose job is "host at karaoke bar," by the way), they're all pretty good.

And finally, Three's Company, the group with the bickering exes, as the 850th group singing Forget You. It. is. bad. The ex-boyfriend goes home, the ex-girlfriend is annoying, and I'm exhausted, because jumping into a two-hour group night cold turkey is hard work.

So there you go. Not sure on JLo & Steven Tyler yet, I miss Simon, but I just can't stay away as hard as I try. Should be an interesting season. :)