Oh, Lord. Jenny from the block is still crying. This isn't a competition for who has the most tragic story, it's a singing competition, so let's move on to the actual singing, please. We finally get past that and start with Karen Rodriguez. Karen is apparently a big JLo fan and sings a jazzy version of If You Had My Love, which is actually kind of awesome. Karen is in the top 24.
Next: Robbie Rosen, who looks like a Jonas Brother. He sings in falsetto and has prominent eyebrows. Tweens will love him. He's in.
Tatynisa Wilson. She butchers that song I hate about hoping you dance, but has fierce hair. She cries a lot, and she's in.
Out: Brittany Mazur and Jimmy Allen, who is wearing a vest with a beater underneath like LL Cool J circa 1994.
Tim Halpern walks the long walk into the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. I get a Kris Allen vibe from him, and if the Idol stylists work their magic and fix his hair, he could be cute. He sings an original song for the SING FOR YOUR LIFE portion. He's in. I think I might like him.
Julie Zorrilla is wearing a tutu. The clips of her in Hollywood Week sound pretty good. They drag it out forever, telling her they need to feel something when she sings, before telling her she's in, of course. She then picks up - and almost drops - Seacrest. I like Julie.
Two country singers. Seacrest's voiceovers have to be written by the same people who write Gossip Girl. Something about one of them being put out to pasture. First up is Scotty McCreery, who has a super deep Johnny Cash voice going on and makes JLo think inappropriate thoughts about a teenager. He's in. The other country guy, whose name is actually JOHN WAYNE SCHULZ, is not.
Jovany Bareto. He apparently took off his shirt during his audition. He's like The Situation meets Mark Anthony. He's in.
Lauren Turner. She was a housekeeper. She's got a bluesy belty sort of voice. She's also in. Geez, are they cutting anyone?! It seems like everyone is getting through. Ok, good, here we go. A few cuts of people whose names I don't catch.
Rachel Zevita was at Hollywood Week in season 6 too, and she has a hilarious grandmother who tells Seacrest he's losing too much weight. Rachel has Siobhan's craziness but not her voice, even though she sings my favorite Lady Gaga song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Just not all that well. Yikes. Oh Lord, she's through. The craziness will continue. There has to be at least one every season. Lindsay texts me that she's this year's Tatiana, which is correct, even though I wish Lindsay hadn't reminded me of that crazy bitch's existence.
Kendra Chantelle. She sings Fallin', which has to be one of the most overused songs on this show. She's pretty good. She's in.
Jordan Dorsey. He's the one who kept holding auditions during GROUP NIGHT. Ew, this is the contestant Simon would call cabaret. He's just too much. Also, I miss Simon. Jordan is through.
Wait, did I say Julie was wearing a tutu? No. Lauren Allaina is wearing a tutu. That's leopard print. And cowboy boots. Seacrest calls her Cowgirl Barbie. Seriously, look at this mess:
Wait, she's 16?!?!?! WTF, she wears more makeup than I do. Girl is going to have wrinkles at 25. Regardless, Cowgirl Barbie is in.
Stefano apparently had some kind of accident and has a scar. He sang an original song in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. Meh. There's nothing unique about him. He's in.
Jackie Wilson. Your lipstick is too red, girl. She's out.
Jacob Lusk. Big voice. He spasms his way through God Bless the Child, which Randy then calls the single best performance ever on Idol. It was good, but I don't think I'd go best performance ever. Jacob twitches and dances and squeals some more when they tell him he's in and OH MY GOD IT'S TAYLOR HICKS 2.0. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
We're finally in the home stretch. Pia Toscano: in. James Durban: has Tourettes and is in. Casey Abrams is a Seth Rogen lookalike who plays the stand-up bass. AWESOME. He's got a cool throwback voice, but I worry it might get old quickly. He's in, and then THE CHAIR falls off the stage. OH NO SAVE THE CHAIR.
Finally. Two girls left. Thia Megia and Jessica Cunningham. Thia sang You Raise Me Up in the AIRPLANE HANGAR OF DOOM. In my mind, that should be an automatic elimination along with the hoping you dance song. Barf. Jessica looks like a baby Kara Dioguardi. Steven undresses her with his eyes several times. Jessica has auditioned seven times, and it's her birthday, and she gets cut. Ouch. Thia is through.
Three guys left. Brett Lowenstern, aka Shawn White, Jacee Badeaux, who was the guy kicked out of his group on Group Night, and Colton Dixon, who seems to be taking hair and wardrobe advice from Mike Green. Jaycee is cute, but cute for Glee, not American Idol. Brett sings an original song. Emo Colton sings some Daughtry and is killer at the piano. The judge drag it out as long as possible, and Brett makes it through. Seriously?? I can't handle that hair for very long. And he actually says, "It doesn't matter who made it, because we're all shining stars." Ohhhh Shawn White, bottle that shit up.
So there's your top 24. Three nights of this next week. Woohoo!!! Peace out.
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