We're baaaaaaack.

We tried to quit, we really did. But the allure of GROUP NIGHT was just too much. And you missed us. You know you did. So, without further adieu, this... is My Spirit Has Been Broken.

The producers throw some chaos into the field early. Apparently there was a day 1 and day 2 of auditions, and day 1 people tried to get started early, but then producers told them the groups had to be a mixture of 1s and 2s. Everyone freaks out and practically cries already that they don't have any 2s, and then this chick from New Jersey whose bra I can see and is apparently a professional choreographer can't find a group. At one point she is on her knees singing in front of this guy, guy walks away and calls her crazy, and you know the cameramen are loving this shit. She finds a group with a Shawn White lookalike, recruits a girl away from that group, then the Shawn White group tries to recruit the guy who called the crazy New Jersey girl away from his group, and holy shit, I have a headache already. I need a flow chart. At one point, New Jersey girl (let's call her Snooki from now on) is actually SINGING on the microphone to try to recruit people to her group. For the love of Seacrest, I have missed this desperation. :)

Next we showcase this girl named Ashley who was a crying, emotional mess during most of auditions. So, yeah, she's crying tonight. Snooki still can't find a third member for their group, so the producers finally tell she can be a duet. There is a group called Brothers From Another Mother, who is kind of awesome, because they're practicing in the men's restroom. A group full of teenagers has their mothers there "watching," and by "watching" I mean "living out their childhood dreams through being overbearing stage mother."

One thing Idol has never really done is relationships. Guess what, folks. This year we have it! The group Three's Company has an ex-girlfriend and boyfriend, along with some chick whose boyfriend was already cut. The exes don't really speak, and the ex-boyfriend says he's screwed because the ex-girlfriend is calling the shots. Um, dude? You could have joined another group. Crying Girl quits her group and wants to go home and is a general disaster. The other girls in her group are not impressed.

OUCH. One of the groups actually CUT one of their members. What the hell, that's terrible. I hope the dbag in the hipster glasses gets his ass cut for that one. And in another group, another dbag voluntarily switched groups. Crying Girl decides she's back in (of course) and rejoins her group at 2:30am. The Shawn White group is still looking for another member, and the guy who got cut joins the group, and the one girl basically says "PRAISE JESUS WE FOUND ANOTHER MAN."

Finally, it's morning, and every group is exhausted, and most are pissed off. JLo appears to have a CinnaBun on her head, and I just don't even know what to say about Steven Tyler just yet. Our first group does a easy listening version of Grenade, which I don't like much, even though I guess they're good. I want to see train wrecks. We might get one, because now we have 4+1, which is the group the guy who quit his group joined. (I really need to learn names.) JLo likes them, they all make it through, and his old group is pissed. His new group is so over him. But you know what? His old group? They're kind of awesome, and they all get through.

Snooki and the poor girl she's singing with take the stage. JLo says "OMG, you guys, I am so scared of this group." +1 for JLo. I think Snooki raided the actual Snooki's closet, because she is wearing a leopard jumpsuit thing leaving very little to the imagination, and the other girl is dressed like a stripper from Staten Island, and man, it is baaaaaaad. Snooki and the stripper are going home. (In other news, Snooki and the Strippers would be a fantastic name for a band.)

The following things happen next: A member of the group Spanglish oversleeps, and another member salsa dances on stage for no apparent reason. Steven Tyler forgets what he is doing. A girl from Ohio does a disgusting trick where she pulls a spaghetti noodle through her nose. Spaghetti Noodle Group puts Steven Tyler on stage and sings to him. JLo makes some brilliant facial expressions. Lots of people I didn't care about get cut.

It's now time for Crying Girl's group, and OMG, they're singing Hit 'Em Up Style. GREAT SONG CHOICE. And they're actually pretty good. Awesome harmonies, and they all make it through. The Stage Mom Group absolutely nails Somebody to Love, and somewhere, Lea Michele cries a little. Another group nails Get Ready, a capella at that. Way too many groups are singing Forget You, so by what seems like the fifteenth one, I start to zone out.

We're now up to the Shawn White group. The kid who got kicked out of his first group gets through, along with everyone else, and I kind of get teary, while my roommate's boyfriend says, "Wow, Seacrest is such a douche." Ha. Hipster Glasses Group is up next. Even though I really want to punch Hipster Glasses Guy (whose job is "host at karaoke bar," by the way), they're all pretty good.

And finally, Three's Company, the group with the bickering exes, as the 850th group singing Forget You. It. is. bad. The ex-boyfriend goes home, the ex-girlfriend is annoying, and I'm exhausted, because jumping into a two-hour group night cold turkey is hard work.

So there you go. Not sure on JLo & Steven Tyler yet, I miss Simon, but I just can't stay away as hard as I try. Should be an interesting season. :)