Congratulations, America...

You actually got it right for once. You weren't swayed by the judges' endless pimping, or the bright shiny objects, or a few early weeks of really terrible hair. This year's Idol actually deserved the prize.

I've said it several times throughout this blog, but I'm not sure when I decided I didn't hate the Cookster anymore. I don't know when he went from creepy, greasy, might be staring in your window guy to polished, courteous, well-spoken, good-looking, amazing performer guy. I'm glad he did, though, and I'm glad he won this whole darn thing.

I watched the finale with Meredith, my hubby, and a bottle of wine, and wanted to enjoy the whole thing without taking notes. Well, "enjoy" turned out to be a rather strong word, and I don't know if I can sit through that all again, so I'm relying on my memory (albeit with a few glasses of wine) and recaps that are much funnier than mine that I won't link to here but you can probably find if you look hard enough.

And we're off. Ryan, blah blah blah, a gazillion votes. Dumbass Matt Rogers (I really didn't like him in his year, sorry dudes) and Idol Madness contestant Mikaleh Gordon are reporting from the Davids' hometowns. Wow, this is completely unnecessary. Remember this when your DVRs cut off at 10:00 and the show is still going.

So… the top 12!!! Ten of which we'll see on tour in a few months!! Oh David Hernandez and Chikezie, you were taken from us too soon. KLC is looking as trashy as ever. Hey, it looks like Carly/Brooke/Michael are actually having fun again!!! Amanda Overmeyer is decidedly not. Wow, seriously, get her off the stage. She looks miserable. Syesha is working it. Cookster looks like he's laid back & having fun. Archuleta looks like he's going to vomit. (Again.)

The Davids sing that song from that "Superman" movie that I hate because it's sung by that guy from Nickelback that I hate. Boo.

Ok, "The Love Guru." Let's pause for a moment. About six months ago, I was really excited for this movie because it combined Mike Myers, Justin Timberlake, and hockey. However, the commercials have made me realize the movie looks painful and even if Sidney Crosby was costarring, I still wouldn't see it. That said, Mike Myers saying "Mariska Hargitay" over & over again cracked me up. Anyone else? Anyone? Bueller? Maybe it was the wine? Ok, next.

Syesha & Seal! Nothing left to say. Jason reprising "Hallelujah!" If I wanted to hear this again, I'd get it on iTunes.

FORD! Commercial featuring outtakes from previous commercials. I care less about them now than I did eight weeks ago. The Davids (especially Cookster) are especially excited to win a car. Like they don't give the final two a car every year.

The top six ladies come out to a Donna Summer medley. Amanda still looks like she's going to murder KLC. Carly is kind of kicking ass. So is Syesha, who gets to sing with Ms. Summer herself when she is led onstage by some men like she is the freaking Queen of England or something.

Carly & Michael sing a jazzed out version of "The Letter." While I'm not a particularly huge fan of the arrangement, I have to concede two things: 1. If Carly had performed with this much fun reckless abandon all season, maybe she would've stayed longer. 2. Michael kind of rocks, and I really can't wait to see him on tour.

The boys take the stage to sing "Summer of '69." Damn, I love this song. Hey, look it's Bryan Adams! If anyone but my hubby and six other people in the world watched "How I Met Your Mother," I'd make a great joke here.

Jordin saying something about an American Idol ride at Disney World? Or maybe it's a shooting gallery where you can take aim at past contestants? You know the Sanjaya target would be worn out in no time.

The Cookster takes the stage to rock with ZZ Top. Remember a few years back when Chris sang with Live and even then we all kind of thought they were outdated? Well, apparently Idol is still paying for the Beatles songbook and can't afford any current, relevant performers this year. Even performers from the 90's are too expensive. Yes, ZZ Top is kind of awesome, but really. My biggest gripe with this whole season has been the complete and total lack of anything contemporary, and just before we throw the Cookster out into the wild of the music biz, we let him be tutored by ZZ Top?

Next Brooke sings "Teach the Children Well" with Graham Nash, and all I can think of is Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute. And guys, I spent about 20 minutes last night looking for that video and couldn't find it anywhere. Seriously, it doesn't exist.

I fast forward through the Jonas Brothers.

Next we have a short recap of this year's most awful memorable auditions. Hey, at least it's not the Golden Idols again. That guy who sang "Go Down Moses" was awesome. We are reminded of the "I Am Your Brother" guy, and wow, there is he again! In that same crazy outfit! With the USC Marching Band!!! WTF?!?! This is the most amazingly awful thing Idol may have ever done. (Except for, perhaps, William Hung's CD.) OMG, Paula and Randy are going on stage. Paula is doing that same dance move she always does. Wow. This merits a link to the video so we can all watch it again.

After that debacle, Archuleta sings "Apologize" with OneRepublic, whose lead singer looks suspiciously like Giovanni Ribisi. Archuleta actually does pretty well. Why couldn't he have sung this on the show instead of Chris Brown?! Last year's Idol Jordin sings a pretty bad song in a really bad dress. Wow, girl. Gold lame just doesn't do it for ANYONE. Blake is super cute singing along with her in the audience. Go Blake. Your CD was underrated and under-promoted.

I should hate the next movie pimping adventure, this one featuring Ben Stiller, Jack Black, & Robert Downey Jr. as the Pips, but I don't, because it's Robert freaking Downey Jr., and I love him.

Carrie Underwood makes what feels like her 800th appearance on this season and sings a song I don't pay attention to in an outfit I can't even begin to describe. So I don't. I let the Fug girls do that.

The top 12 are back again - OMG, will this show ever end?!?! - to sing outdated medley #4 of the evening. And woo, the biggest star this show - THE BIGGEST SHOW ON TV - could attract is George Michael. Which is awesome... if you're living in 1986. We, however, are not. We are in 2008. We are in the era of Justin Timberlake and Beyonce and Fall Out Boy. (I never said music was better. Just different.) And instead of saying "wow, what awesome performances!" I'm sitting here thinking "did Uncle Nigel not try, or did they turn him down?" Memo to Idol 2009: save some of your money from IGFB and spend it on the finale. I want the ladies singing with Madonna up there.

Usual rambling & killing time by Ryan & the judges. (Seriously, it's almost 10:00 at this point. This shit is why my mom frantically called me last year because their DVR cut off BEFORE Ryan even announced Jordin as the winner. FOX, get it together.) Simon apologizes to the Cookster for being too hard on him. My immediate thought at this point is, Cookster won and Simon is trying to save face.

Turns out I'm right, as Seacrest FINALLY reveals that our season 7 winner is David Cook, and the dude totally breaks down. Cookster Mom and Cookster Brother are on stage, everyone is going crazy, and then I realize, this is why I watch this damn show. If Archuleta had won, I probably would've sworn it off forever, but the Cookster winning makes devoting entirely too much time during the last 19 weeks of my life to this show somehow seem somewhat worth it. Until next January, when I'm cursing at my TV all over again.

Don't go away, dear faithful readers. We have the long awaited completion of our Idol Madness poll. We're contemplating recapping "So You Think You Can Dance." And, on August 14, we'll be at the Idols concert in DC, taking beer breaks everytime KLC is on stage. And in the meantime, I leave you with this juicy tidbit and bid you good night!

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COOKSTER WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, quite the upset. I'm shocked. A full recap will come most likely Friday, but till then, I'll leave you with some of my favorite moments from the show:

• Seeing David Hernandez again. Boy got voted off entirely too early.
• "Mariska Hargitay"
• Bedazzled microphones.
• "I Am Your Brother." That shit will never get old.
• Jack Black, Ben Stiller, & Robert Downey Jr. Particularly Robert Downey Jr.
• Cookster and his guyliner and his playoff beard being crowned American Idol.
• Daddy Archuleta trying to be happy.

Full recap to come. Good tidings, all, and good night!

Tonight, on "Idol": Songs from the "Rocky" Soundtrack

Well, here we are. After months of performances both "in the zone, dawg" and "a little pitchy," "shocking" departures, and countless crazy Paula moments, we have arrived at the season 7 finale. There's an elaborate opening likening the Davids to heavyweight boxers, complete with robes and gloves and … God, this is going on for far too long. Can we get this started already?

Whoa, Luke Perry! Luke! Why aren't you on the 90210 spinoff?

Ok, so we have the Davids, Seacrest, the judges (is it me, or is Randy wearing a candy bracelet?), and another overly long segment on just how much this whole contest means. Cuz really, we don't know. Not like we've been watching this damn show for seven years or anything. There's the usual "THIS IS WHERE YOU COULD GO!!!" montage, and I swear they show Chris Daughtry. Um… does anyone remember that Chris didn't actually win? Apparently the producers are trying to forget about Taylor Hicks as much as we are. Either that, or they're subliminally trying to calm down the Cookster's fans by reminding us that all will still be ok when he doesn't win.

Seriously, enough with the boxing theme. We are told "Round One" is Clive Davis's choice. I wasn't aware Clive Davis was still alive. I'm not totally convinced this isn't a wax figure talking to us. Clive tells us the Cookster will be singing a song that represents "the yearning of a generation," aka "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Not the U2 song I would've chosen – that would've been "With or Without You," because, you know, I think about these things – but he does pretty well anyways. My hubby and I agree that Cookster would've been better off starting the show with "Paradise City." Oh well, a girl can dream.

C-Davis chooses "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" for Archuleta. (Is the theme of this round "Longest Song Titles Ever," or what?) Clearly they are trying to mold Archuleta into the next Clay Aiken. It sounds exactly the same as every song Archuleta has ever or will ever sing, but the judges are seriously pimping him. Wow, way to be subtle, Uncle Nigel.

Next the Davids get to pick songs from the crappy song contest. Yippee. Cook sings a terrible song called "Dream Big." It's actually better than most of the crap we see on the finale show, but it still blows. He does what he can with it, not much else to say. We get a priceless quote from Paula – something about "a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand" – and we're on to the next awful song.

Archuleta picks an even more terrible song called "In This Moment." I suppose he sounds good, but he's got these sappy unicorn puppy ballads down by now. More pimping by the judges. Wow. This is out of control tonight. Archuleta seriously looks like he's going to pass out.

Constantine alert! Excuse me while I go shower.

To kick off "Round Three," Cook sings "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. Anyone under the age of 20 (that is, anyone who votes) collectively goes "huh?" And hey, he's wearing a vest and a tie and looking quite dapper. Wow, I know Lindsay mentioned it last week, but hats off to the Idol stylists. Best makeover in years. Anyways, he starts off acoustic, and I wish he'd stayed that way. He actually sounds very good, but as your last Idol performance, it leaves a lot to be desired. Another great Paula quote – "standing in your truth." The script writers are working overtime tonight!!! Simon suggests he should've done "Billie Jean" or another song he'd already done, and Cookster respectfully disagrees. Good for you, Cookster. Despite what the judges seem to believe, we do not have a short term memory, and I think he does well by not repeating one of his earlier songs.

Archuleta apparently doesn't get that memo, and he repeats "Imagine." It sounds good, but as usual he puts me half to sleep, while somewhere in Europe, Lindsay is crying at this moment and doesn't know why. Eh. And with that, the competition is over.

So who will get to sing "A Moment Like This Now Inside Your Heaven" tomorrow night? Well, let's put it this way. Who should win? Cook, hands down. He was consistently the best performer on the show, he took risks, he's contemporary (to use one of Simon's favorite words), he can legally buy a beer, he remembers his lyrics, he's grown throughout the competition, he's going to release a blockbuster album a few months from now, and the look on Daddy Archuleta's face would be priceless. Who will win? Archuleta, for several reasons. A) Who actually votes week after week? Teenage girls. Who makes up Archuleta's fan base? Teenage girls. B) Like Blake before him, Cook just isn't cut out for the sappy victory ballad, and usually whoever pulls off that POS takes home the prize. C) Because I like Cook and want him to win. My favorite never wins.

I'll be back later in the week sometime to recap tomorrow's finale extravaganza. It's entirely too much to do in one night. Till then, cheers!

Let the Battle of the Davids begin

Entertainment Weekly is beginning the battle a little early, with this David v. David weekly match-up poll. Looking back at week 1's "Happy Together," I'm pretty sure that's when we decided the Cookster was this year's Constantine, only to finally be convinced by the "Billie Jean" cover of Year You Were Born week and the Great Haircut of Dolly Parton Week. That said, his cover of "All Right Now" in week 2 of the semifinals was kind of kick ass in retrospect.

See ya, Syesha

56 million people voted on Tuesday night to create the most anticlimactic final two in this show's history. THIS...is American Idol.

Hey, there's Gramps! And KLC! And Andrew Lloyd Weber, geez. Why are they jamming all these people into the seats for the announcement of the final two? Randy's rocking some terrible tinted glasses tonight. Oh God, and apparently Fantasia is here tonight. And I'm watching this live, which means I can't fast forward her. Damn.

The kids come out to sing "Ain't No Stopping Us Now," and I swear Clay and Ruben did a duet of this back on the finale of season two. Syesha apparently didn't get the memo that tonight was going to be her last night on the show as she is rocking some giant white sneakers with her skinny jeans. She does get a pretty big solo in the song and is standing all by herself on the platform behind the judges, so good on them for giving her one last good moment. Hey, there's Chikezie and David H.!

Back from the real commercials and it's this week's FORD! commercial. The song is Los Lonely Boys "Heaven" and the concept is pretty hilarious. Did anyone else notice that little David's "heaven" is apparently the same as Happy Gilmore's happy place? Except there's no Grandma winning any money at the slots or a midget on a unicycle. After a long ass recap of last night, it's time for Fantasia.

Oh my God, WHAT the hayell is this?! Her hair looks like someone molded bright pink PlayDoh on her head, and she is totally wearing a velour jumpsuit covered in rhinestones. Also I swear she's been wearing those braces for like 12 years. Does anyone know what the eff she is even saying? How is this even a song? OMG, Simon's face! HAHAHAHAHA, that was priceless. That just said it all right there, his face was transformed into the classic "WTF" face.

After that debacle, Seacrest brings out little David. We're then treated to video footage of his trip back home to Utah, which goes something like this: cheerleaders, mobs of people crying, little girls screaming, David losing his shit in front of his entire town, Handlebar Mustache back for an encore, and David saying "Gosh!" more than Napolean Dynomite. OMG, and now we don't even find out any results, but we have to watch the video package of David's "journey" through American Idol. Which, you've all been watching the show, you know how it goes.

Now Ryan's bringing out Syesha, for the exact same thing we just watched of David. Syesha's trip home goes like this: mobs of people crying, some woman shoving her baby at Syesha, which is just effing weird, Syesha's dad announcing to America that he's had problems with drugs and alcohol and Syesha's inspired him to stay clean (wtf?), more screaming teenagers who you know are like "Yay Syesha! (I really voted for David Archuleta!)", the 90 year old mayor of her town doing a handstand, and we finish off with Syesha bawling in a limo clutching a snow globe. Yikes.

Last up is the Cookster, who apparently didn't even want to audition for the show. Seacrest brings up his brother Andrew and Andrew tells us the story of how he was the one who actually wanted to audition and he brought David along. The producers apparently ended up making David audition as well, and here we are. You know Andrew's like, way to steal my thunder, dude. Cookster's trip home includes him doing the weather on his local news, people crying and shrieking all over the place, including one girl who looks like she's about collapse and die from the excitement, a trip to see David's music teacher, more people screaming, a baseball game and the Cookster also crying. Man, these are some emotional Idols. Also, I have to say that not since Clay Aiken have we seen a hair makeover this positive and dramatic. Go Idol stylists.

After the commercials and a million hours of the judges jib jabbing, the obvious is stated: the Davids comprise season seven's final two, and Syesha is out. I'm really surprised she lasted this long, and not because I don't think she's talented, but she was one of the biggest fly under the radar contestants. I expected her to go around the time Ramiele did. I like her a lot, but I won't buy her album. Bye Sye!

Well, it all comes down to this. Bren will blog your finale and results next week, because I'm going to Europe and won't even be able to find out who wins this thing until well after it's over. Enjoy your David finale, everyone. Cheers!

How did we get here?

Four months ago, Bren and I were all hyped up for the return of this show. And now, one day away from finding out the final two and one week away from the finale, it's become a one-way ticket to Blahsville. Three songs each tonight--let's rock and roll.

Tonight is the judges' choices/producers' choice/contestant's choice night. Once, I would like Paula to pick "Cold Hearted Snake" for someone. We're treated to video footage of little David with the mayor of his town, who hilariously has a gray handlebar mustache. By the way, if you didn't already think that his dad, Jeff, was a jerk, maybe this will help.

Anyway, Handlebar Mustache reads a letter from Paula, who has chosen "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for David to sing. I said this last week about David and I'll say it again--what is left to say about him? I'm not going to say the kid's not talented, because he is, but everything sounds the same, is predictable and I would not be interested in his record. He does a nice job with the song, but that's about it--it's nice.

Syesha's in a limo, and gets a "text" from "Randy" saying that he's chosen "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Now, here's my problem with this. All season, Syesha's been taking on these big diva numbers, only to be told she coudln't quite measure up to the original. So what does the Dawg do? Gives her a big diva number by an artist he obviously loves and respects. Nice, Randy. She looks amazing tonight, though, in yet another gold dress. She does a pretty good job with the song, too. Somewhere along the way, I found myself sort of rooting for her, even though I wouldn't buy her album either.

The Cookster's in the pimp spot tonight, and his hometown visit shows him on the set of his local news, which I find hilarious. He also gets a "text", this time from "Simon", and he's going to be singing "The First Time I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. Here's something interesting--when I Googled the song title to make sure I got it right, the fourth search item that appeared is a link to You Tube where Leona Lewis is singing this song. Leona Lewis, Simon's protege. Coincidence? Anyway, he says he gave the Cookster this song to challenge him. David's up there with no guitar, just the mike and his voice, and he knocks it out of the park. Aww, how cute is his dad! Simon says round one goes to Cook and Cowell, and I have to agree.

Round two is the contestant's choice round. You have to be shitting me with this--little David picked Chris Brown's "With You"?!? Man, it would have been awesome to hear him do "Kiss Kiss", though. Can anyone out there imagine David Archuleta singing "I need you boo"--and there it is. HAHAHA. This is so hilariously bad. What the hell was he thinking? It sounds like if Clay Aiken tried to do an R&B song. I bet his train of thought went Chris Brown --> Jordin Sparks-->David Archuleta. This is so unauthentic and awkward. I can't tell if the judges agree with me or not because my cable is f'ed up, so let's move on from that to Syesha....

...who's chosen "Fever." Seriously? You get the chance to choose ONE song that defines who you want to be as an artist and you pick the most overdone, old-fashioned song out there? I mean, if she was trying to break the barriers that the judges set for her during Broadway week, this was not the way to go. She sounds decent, but it's all very showy and cabaret and blah. Paula gives a coherent piece of advice for once, saying it didn't show who Syesha is, and Simon tells her he thinks she'll regret it because it was old-fashioned and cabaret. To which I said, word times 12.

The Cookster has chosen "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot for this round. I don't know about this, I like the Cookster best when he changes up arrangements and surprises you, and I don't think there's much he can do with this. I have a feeling it's going to sound a lot like the original...and it does. David is still awesome and I love him, but this was just blah. Um, the best thing about this performance came at the end. Please tell me you all saw those ladies holding that sign that read "Cougars 4 Cook"--HAHAHAHAHA. Those ladies rock my world. David gets the "expected/predictable" treatment and we're zipping into round three.

Producers' choice--Archuleta is up first with "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. LOVE this song, and I loved Dan Fogelberg. RIP, Dan. I won't fast forward through this one because I think this is one of the most beautiful songs written and even though Archuleta is a tool, I know he will sing it well. It's classic David, and it's beautifully done. The producers made a good call with this one. Good job, creepy Uncle Nigel! My cable is skipping all over the place, but I hear Randy trot out his "you could sing the phone book" analogy and Simon says David either did or did not do enough to get to the finals tonight. Stupid Comcast.

OMG, Guarini!!! Yessssss! OK, my cable craps out again and I miss the name and artist of the song Syesha is singing. It seems pretty upbeat though, and I'm glad the producers picked something to get her out of the ballad zone. She looks fly in some skinny jeans and a tank. She looks like she's having fun and she sounds pretty great. Randy tells her it was "just okay" and then we get into some digression about how the song was from the movie "Happy Feet" and Syesha does some sort of penguin walk and I'm officially lost. Simon tells her it was forgettable and she did better with the Sam Cooke last week.

Up in the final slot is the Cookster, doing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. He's surrounded by the orchestra, again just him and the mike. I think this is a lot better than the last round and he's doing the best he could do with the song choice he was assigned. Hey, Diane Warren is actually IN the audience! I wonder what she thought of his version. My cable is effed again and I have no idea what Randy or Paula thought, but Simon apparently liked it, based on the cheers and the look on David's face.

So there you have it, folks: our top three. I know Bren and I would love to see little David get knocked out Melinda Doolittle-style in third place, but we have a feeling we're going to see the David-David finale they've been shoving in our faces all season. Great effort Syesha, but unfortunately, your name is not David, so you will probably be going home tonight. Catch up with us for the results tonight!

Idol Madness: John Stevens vs. Kristy Lee Cook

Well dudes and dudettes, it’s been a long while since we’ve taken a look at our Elite Eight. We apologize for the long delay, but since it’s a ridiculously slow, rainy day here at work, this is the best way I know to kill time. :)

Today’s match-up pits KLC against Big Red, aka John Stevens. Now that the dust is clearing in season 7, I’ve grown to realize that maybe KLC may not have been the worst thing to happen to Idol in 2008. (Clay’s new haircut, Archuleta’s dad, and the self-destruction of Jason Castro are all good candidates.) Watching a few seconds of the performance again, which is all I can stand, makes me realize it’s more humorous than anything now. Yes, it’s still awful, and yes, KLC still stands as the weakest contestant in this year’s top 12. But does it match the massacre on John Stevens that was Latin night in season 3? Doubtful. Watching his performance back again just makes me sad. Sad for him, that he was put through this. Sad for us, that we had to listen. The only saving grace is Simon’s awesome comment that John & Latin music go together like “chocolate ice cream and an onion.” (Notice John nodding in agreement.) We can’t agree more, and we’re sending Big Red to the Final Four!

I fell into a burning ring of fire.

So a few nights ago, I had a dream in which Lindsay & I were either at a Penguins game or the Idol tour - I'm sorry, I can't remember which, but I know I was excited to be there - and sitting next to us were Blake Lewis & Elliott Yamin. This means that obviously at this point in my life, I am dedicating entirely too much time to just two things, only one of which giving me any satisfaction whatsoever (guess which one that is, folks). On to the gaping black hole of my week, the results show. Only good part? Lindsay is here watching with me!! Welcome to the VA, Linds!

I left my notes from last night at home, so I’m winging it today, but luckily last night’s show was a whole lot of nothing. Seriously, these results shows need to go back to a half hour. After Ryan reminds us that we voted a bajillion times, he wastes some time with the judges before going into this week’s group sing. Guys, these things get worse and worse every week. This time it’s “Reelin’ in the Years” by Steely freakin’ Dan (not related to Steely freakin’ McBeam). Is it me, or do the group vocals sound more and more prerecorded every week?

The recap reminds us what a lackluster show Tuesday was – the Cookster and his playoff beard were just sort of breezing through, and reminded us why a Who song should never be boiled down to one and a half minutes; Archuleta continued his crusade to become the next Josh Groban; Syesha (who has been growing on me) took on two huge songs and sort of came out on top; and Jason continued his nose-diving attempt to get the F out of there. This is our top 4? Give me Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, & Blake over these people any day. Or half of Chris, Elliott, Katharine, & Taylor. Hell, I’d take Nikki freaking McKibbin at this point in time. This is the most underwhelming season ever.

Two performances this week - we’ve got an hour to fill, remember! – by Bo Bice and Maroon 5. I wasn’t here during the Bo/Carrie season so I really don’t have an opinion of him. I heart Maroon 5 so bad and want to have a beer with Adam Levine.

In between all this, we get a lot of filler including a really terrible FORD! commercial set to “Ring of Fire” (we all agreed the Cookster should’ve sung this song himself and would’ve been awesome), a trip to Vegas to see the Cirque de Soleil Beatles show (because Idol is still paying for the Beatles songbook), and an especially hilarious call-in segment in which a girl from Pittsburgh asks the Cookster out on a date but, despite being on national TV, did not say “Go Pens.” (Cookster, do it. She’ll take you to Primanti’s.)

I neglected to mention that somewhere in this hour of product placement and commercials were some results. Of course, the Davids are safe. And of course, Syesha and Jason are the bottom two. The best moment of the last four weeks of Idol comes at approximately 9:20, when Ryan starts his usual “we’re going to tease you but of course we’re taking a break and you have to wait another half hour for results” routine. Jason, being Jason and therefore being high as shit, says something to the effect of “You’re gonna tell us now?”

Of course not. But at approximately 9:55, Ryan finally does tell us that Jason is out and Syesha is in, making me immensely happy. Never have I seen a contestant so clearly not want to be there, and I’m glad he gets his wish and goes home. Now all I need is Syesha to somehow take out Archuleta, but we all know that’s not happening. Did you notice how many times they showed David & David in the same shot? Could the producers be any more clear about the finale they want?

Linds is taking on all of next week, since she’s leaving me to recap the final two nights on my own. It should be interesting, to say the least. Will this be the most anticlimactic finale ever? Or will Syesha still refuse to go away? Stay tuned! Go Pens!!!!!!

But I did not shoot his deputy.

Hey guys, Lindsay here. It's my last time blogging from our house in North Carolina. As of tomorrow night, Bren and I will officially be residing in the same state. WOO! Our house is totally packed up with the exception of an air mattress, the TV and the computer, because let's face it, I couldn't miss Idol tonight.

Tonight is Rock and Roll Hall of Fame night, and I'm still not really sure what that means. I guess just songs by artists who've been inducted into the HoF--which is probably a ton of songs, so just a "sing whatever you want!" kind of night is coming up, I'm thinking. Hey, there's Luke! Man, Luke Menard would have been awesome these past few weeks. I could totally see his cheesy hot ass getting into Neil Diamond week. During the RnR HoF video package, we see Ike Turner, which clearly means Syesha's going to sing "Proud Mary", right? I am so good at this show.

The Cookster's up first singing "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran. If I'm not mistaken, wasn't that the song used in the scene in the movie "Old School" when Andy Dick was teaching that blow job class? My speakers are packed, so I can't You Tube this to be certain. Can someone out there confirm or deny? Thanks.

Anyway, the Cookster's okay. He's not doing anything special with the arrangement which is something we've come to expect, but I guess you can't do that every week. I'd still rather listen to the Cookster on an okay day than to Archuleta on his best day. The judges give it a "just okay" label, which is exactly right.

Syesha's up second, doing the predictable "Proud Mary." What did I say? I own this show. Or else I'm really sad. Apparently, this song has been covered over 100 times. Damn. And Syesha being Syesha of course has to take it on. I mean, she's already done Whitney, Mariah (though they've all done that) and Fantasia, so might as well round it out with Tina. The whole thing is very showgirl-Ike and Tina go to Broadway. Randy tells her she was "in the zone", and Syesha shows us that she's taken on Brooke's personality by interrupting the judges. Shut uuuuuuuuuup. Simon tells her it was a bad impersanation of Tina, which, word. Next.

Hey it's Carly! I miss her and Gramps so bad. Jason's up doing "I Shot the Sheriff"--is he shitting us with this? Bren forwarded me an interview with Jason this week where he basically told the interviewer he was ready to go home. I am so not down with that. So I'm already biased going into this performance, and it's predictably terrible. I have to say, I've never seen a performance quite like this on Idol, though. The judges all pretty much hate it, and seem extra vicious. I wonder if they read his interview. I have a feeling Jason's going down this week.

In the pimp spot for like the sixth time this season is little David. Is it me, or does he look younger every week? He looks like he's 11 this week. What the hell are those pants he's wearing? Oh sorry, he's doing "Stand by Me", but I got so distracted by his outfit I forgot to mention that. I am not a huge little David fan, but this is probably the best we've seen from him in a while. The judges have been all over his shit the past few weeks, but I don't think the performances have been up to snuff with the critiques. Tonight he is pretty good though. During the critique, Simon gets in a dig at Jason, which I think is kind of effed up--leave the criticism of the previous contestant WITH the previous contestant, Cowell.

The Cookster comes out for round two in some kind of sparkly blazer/shiny shirt combo. Yikes. I'm a little worried for the Cookster this week, actually. He's in the Daughtry spot right now--the rocker guy left in the top four, and we all know what happened two years ago. Not that Daughtry's doing that badly, but still. He's doing "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who, which is a song that for years I totally thought was just called "Teenage Wasteland." Whatever, I'm an airhead. I would totally buy a ticket to see the Cookster in concert. I heart this guy so bad. He's growing some sort of playoff hockey beard, I see. I bet it's for Pittsburgh. LET'S GO PENS! The judges all love it, and I hope people don't think he's safe and let him go the way of Chris.

The guys from Rascal Flatts are in the audience. Have they even had a new song in the past two years? Out comes Syesha in some kind of crazy gold dress singing "A Change is Gonna Come"--I swear someone has done this on Idol already. I don't feel like looking that up--anyone know? I am so bored by Syesha. She really has a beautiful voice, and I'm sure she's a lovely person, but she just leaves me cold. After Randy gives her the critique, she proves once and for all that she's taken on Brooke's personality and she loses her shit all over the stage. God, STOP CRYING. She seriously can't even speak. WTF? I'm over this. Fast forward.

Jason's doing Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man." I feel like this should get us back to classic Jason, the Jason we fell in love with during "Hallelujah" a zillion weeks back. No dice. It's boring, blah and he forgets the words at one point. Jason's totally checked out, man. He's probably all, This isn 't what I thought this show was gonna be...where's the free weed? I heard Seacrest keeps the good stuff in his dressing room. You know what I would have loved to hear him sing? Time in a Bottle. Man I bet he could rock the Croce. OK, I've now totally derailed. Simon tells him he should pack his suitcase. I kind of hope he's right.

Oh. Ma. Gawd. Little David is closing out the night with "Love Me Tender" by Elvis?! This is totally going to be deja vu from when Kevin Covais sang "Part Time Lover", isn't it? Why do these teenage boys insist on singing these songs? He's predictably good, but boring. I think he should have been behind the piano instead of on that stool. I mean, there's really nothing left to say about this kid. He's totally going to be in the final two, and you either love or you hate that, so he could just phone it in tonight and next week and still be gravy. Simon tells him he "crushed" the competition tonight, and I don't know if I agree with that. I mean, Jason, yeah, maybe. But the Cookster brought it on his second song, and Syesha was still decent if boring. She was no less boring than little David.

Anyway, obviously either Syesha or Jason will be going tomorrow, and I would say that my money is on Jason, but all the nasty criticism may have put his fans into overdrive. Bren will blog your results tomorrow night. Cheers!

Bye, bye, Miss American Pie

Longest season ever, right guys? Jeebus. I have to say, I haven't been this disinterested in the outcome of this show since season three. I think my husband summed it all up the best on Tuesday night: if these are supposed to be the best, what the hell did they already eliminate? Anyway, time for the hour-long results craptacular!

45 million people voted on Tuesday night...this number gets higher every week. After Ryan introduces the judges and gently tells America that Paula was NOT high Tuesday night, our ragtag group of kids comes out to perform a Neil Diamond group tribute number. Seriously, more of this? I was totally 100% with Bren on her comment yesterday about the limited themes. This is just too much. Wow, Syesha's dress is really unflattering. This is a terrible group number. Brooke and Syesha sound weak as hell. I think the medley is in too low of a range for the entire group, they all sound like they are struggling.

EW! Constantine! In a sequined shirt! Showing the camera his gross, smoldering eye! BOOOO! OMG, poor Gina Glocksen. They have to host a show together?? She's probably going to get an STD just from sitting next to him. And now on to the recap of last night. Brooke was totally manic and "Eight Days a Week" shades of crazy, the Cookster did the best he could do with the limited songbook, Jason was Jason and found out ahead of time that Paula was apparently going to hate his second song, Syesha was good but about 10 shades of bland, and Little David was predictably cheesy yet somehow hilarious. I would have loved it if he came out in like, a red white and blue sequined jacket.

Ryan's diving into the results pretty early tonight. Must be a lot of filler for later. He brings out Jason and after a lot of jibba jabba, Jason is safe. This surprises me a little bit, but I guess maybe he picked up some of Carly's votes? Little David comes out next, and come on, this isn't even suspenseful. Without even watching the next half hour, I could have told you that the Cookster would come out third and be safe, leaving Brooke and Syesha in the bottom two. Little David is of course, safe. Oh and next week is apparently "Rock and Roll Hall of Fame" week, which could be kind of awesome or treacherous, depending.

After a long ass So You Think You Can Dance (dance! dance! dance!) preview, we get a shot of creepy Uncle Nigel backstage, which, ew. Also apparently, there was a contest to design the Coke cups, and some guy won, and the judges show them off. Scintillating! I have to say, Paula's publicist really cranked it out after Tuesday night--notice Paula's demure, age-appropriate hairdo and her non-cleavage showing, 3/4 sleeved top. Nice work trying to make her not look batshit, but we all know the truth.

So we find out next that the Cookster is safe, natch, and Syesha and Brooke are in the bottom two. There is way too much filler in this show, man. I'm surprised they didn't make both of them sing again like last week. Probably because Brooke will be eliminated and they want to torture her already fragile mind by making her sing her song after she just got the boot. Anyway, one of the TWO musical acts for tonight (really?) is Natasha Bedingfield. I really hope she comes out wearing that kicky skipper's hat she's been photographed in recently. I totally fast forward through her performance. Sorry guys. Oh wait, I pause it long enough to watch her come over to the couches and molest Little David and then tell him she wants to go to prom with him. HAHAHAHA. Awesome.

Shit, it's the return of the viewer calls. I fast forward until I see something on the screen about a woman kissing Simon in the garden when he was nine, and then come on, I HAVE to stop and rewind. What follows is probably the most hilarious of the viewer call in segments. Apparently, the British lady on the phone was Simon's first kiss when he was nine, and lots of cheeky antics follow.

OK, I'm going to wrap this up, because I'm at work and I'm getting my monthly chair massage in like five minutes. Neil Diamond comes out, sings, fills up some more airtime, blah blah blah, FORD! commercial that's actually kind of cute, and time for the result. Ryan calls Brooke and Syesha to the stage, and Brooke looks like she totally knows what is coming. Ryan delivers the news that Brooke is eliminated in probably the gentlest manner we've ever seen from him. I think he knows she's unbalanced. What follows is Brooke completely losing her shit all over Syesha, her Ruben-infused video package, and her babbling incoherently before being forced to sing her song again. All the Idols come out and hover around her while she sings, and it's the trainwreck you would expect.

As much as I've turned on her in the past few weeks (and truly, I don't think I've EVER turned on an Idol so fast), it makes me a little sad that she's going and that she's so obviously not okay about it. Well, she'll make a record anyway, and I'm sure it will be nice and I'll probably download a couple of the tracks on iTunes. Bye Brooke! They're taking you to a nice place now, don't worry!

So we're in the final four, and I have to say, I didn't think Syesha would be there. Next week should be interesting. I'll be blogging the performance night and Bren will take the results. Have a great weekend, all. Cheers!