Taking the week off

Due to traveling for a bunch of interviews in multiple cities (YAY BRENNA!!) and dealing with a cranky two year old who is teething and just generally grumpy this week (BOO LINDSAY), we are taking a breather from the blog this week. We will be back next week to go through the semi finals (I think that's where we are?) when the public actually get to start having a say.

MSHBB, out.

Rumour has it he's the one I'm leaving you for.

It's the second night of the sudden death round! Which isn't very sudden at all and instead drags out for two hours. But I suppose that's sudden as far as Idol things go. I'm psyched to finally have an audience. Let's do this, boys.

Mariah looks gorgeous tonight. How do I get my hair to do that? Nicki's hair is kind of subdued, but still pink.

The guys raise from the floor like David Archuleta did the time Lindsay and I went to the Idol tour. Oh hey, we have a few attractive guys this year. They're probably all 17 years old.

Paul Jolley is from small town Tennessee. He's one of the cute ones. He sings something I don't know but sounds like country. Oh, apparently that was a Keith Urban song. Way to suck up, Paul! It was a little shaky at times, but pretty good overall.

Johnny Keyser is up next. He's one of the ones that Nicki was trying to nail during his audition. He looks like an Abercrombie ad. He should sing LFO, but instead he's singing I Won't Give Up, by Jason Mraz, which is honestly one of my favorite songs from the past year. (#sorrynotsorry) Anyway, he struggles on the first part but improves on the higher notes in the middle, but his stage presence is just..... blah. Non-existent. Nicki is still trying to bang him. She also flat out tells him that he doesn't have the best voice, but he's pretty. Mariah tells him he's bringing the masculinity. I'm willing to bet he makes it through.

Oh yes, it's JDA. And he is singing Rumour Has It. In some KILLER HEELS. He is blurring the gender lines of these groupings, and it's fantastic. Remember back when I hated Adam Lambert and said he was too over the top? Either this show has gotten really boring, or I don't mind anymore, because this makes Lambert look conservative and yet I love it. And you know what? He sounds good too. Please keep him around, judges. I will tune in to watch that every week. Some of the judges tell him that he could have concentrated more on the vocals and less on choreographed performance, which I kind of agree with, but still, he sounded better than I bet half the guys will tonight.

Interviews with the girls, blah blah blah. Back to the boys.

Kevin is next, aka Butter. He's doing it for the kids, which is always a lame reason to me, because you should have a real job for your kids. But whatever, he's singing some Bryan Adams. I can't think of anyone else right away who has sung this song, but I feel like there's been a lot and it should be banned. He's not that great. Nicki loves him, for some reason. Did I miss something? I actually agree with Randy tonight, yikes.

Time for Chris Watson, waiter by day, singer by night, wearer of insanely large scarves around his head, and possessor of incredible cheek bones. OMG, he is wearing a bedazzled vest with no shirt underneath, bedazzled pants, and bedazzled scarf. (FYI, the first time I wrote that sentence I spelled "bedazzled" three different ways. It was like Nick Miller with rhythm.) Anyway, he's singing Sitting on the Dock of the Bay. His voice sounds radio-ready, even though I don't love the arrangement. Nicki says, and I quote, "I want to marry your vibrato." I will give her this much: I may not always agree with her, but she gives interesting feedback, she hasn't once said pitchy, and she has a taste for non-WGWGs, and Idol needs that.

This is going to be tough for the judges. We're halfway through, and while no one has completely blown me away, no one has totally sucked either.

Devin is next, and he is still in high school. Oh god, he's singing Listen, from Dreamgirls. I'm just jealous because I sing this song in my bedroom a lot. Oh wait, now he's singing in Spanish. Huh?! Wait, now it's English again. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. The judges all think he was amazing, but I didn't. They love that he sang in Spanish. I can sing in Spanish. It's not like he wrote the lyrics himself. Whatever, I think he's staying.

I didn't catch the next kid's name because I was distracted, and I don't know the song he's singing, but it sounds like it could be Bruno Mars. Maybe? I'm great at blogging tonight. Oh, his name is Elijah. Keith takes a page from the Simon playbook and calls him current and relevant. Nicki tries to nail this kid too, and it's gross because he's only 18. Thank you, Randy, for saying that it wasn't a great vocal. Why am I agreeing with Randy so much tonight? Mariah likes that he is Mexican and Chinese, because this show doesn't even try to pretend that it's just about the voice.

I'm really glad Charlie is still around. Sometimes I think he's really interesting and different, and sometimes I think he looks like a high school kid at a talent show. He sings Rocket Man, and while it isn't the best performance I've ever seen, I at least stop what I'm doing to watch, which is more than I've done for most of the guys tonight. He's definitely one of a kind. I want Keith to keep saying "Charlie" over and over again. Oh no, now Charlie is talking back to the judges. We do NOT like that around here at MSHBB.

And we still have 42 minutes to go. Hurry it up, Seacrest.

Jimmy is also from Tennessee. Unsurprisingly, he wants to do country. I don't know this song, but it's very dull. Apparently it's another Keith Urban song. Nick is amazingly unimpressed. Like seriously McKayla Maroney level unimpressed-ness. Moving on.

Curtis is next, and I recall liking him during his audition. He's singing that song that Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuben sang like a million times. "Baby baby baby baby ooooooh baby." You know, that one. He sounds great, but let's be honest, R&B type singers get nowhere on this show anymore. The judges all love him but advise him to not get too old, which is good advice, because he's only 25 but sings like he's 55.

Finally, it's time for the DRAMATIC STOOLS OF SAFETY. The judges also raise up from beneath the stage, and they let us know they had one split decision, so Jimmy gets to decide that one. THE DRAMA.

Curtis is up first, and he's through. Jimmy is going home. So is Kevin. Elijah is safe, after a serious fake out by Keith. It's JDA's turn, and please let him be staying. He is not, BOOOOOOO. I'm already far less interested in this show. Cute Paul is a split decision. Jimmy gives his two cents, and he wants to keep Paul around, and Jimmy should be a judge because he put together a well-thought, knowledgeable argument.

Next is bedazzled Chris. He's going home. Time for Charlie... oh man, I'm worried for Nicki if he isn't making it. No need to put her on suicide watch, because Charlie and his weirdness aren't going anywhere.

So now it's down to Johnny and Devin. I wouldn't be too upset about losing either. Johnny Abercrombie is going home, and Devin "I can sing in Spanish" is safe.

Phew! That was exhausting, and we have to do it all over again next week. We'll be here, guiding you every step of the way.

Stools of Safety, or: grossest post title ever

So we're down to 20 girls and 20 guys and tonight we're seeing 10 of the girls in what Ryan is calling a "Sudden Death" round? Okay then. Has this show followed the same format at all since Simon left? THIS is American Idol.

This is live, I guess? From Vegas? I get so confused. Keith is so hawt and Nicki's hair looks terrible. Also Jimmy Iovine is going to be the tie breaker this evening in the event of a split vote. 10 girls will sing, five go through. Ryan introduces the 10 girls who are singing for survival tonight and so many of them have long convoluted first AND last names, I can't catch them all in time.

Jenny Beth Willis is up first. She is 17 and we have never seen her before. She has a southern accent so probably she'll be country? Look at me stereotyping. Oh, and shocker, she is performing a country song LOL. She is wearing a terrible, TERRIBLE tacky black and pink dress that looks like an 80s prom dress. Sounds like mediocre karaoke. I don't even know the song. The performance is not worthy of the top 40, so I have a feeling that she's gone.

After the break we have Tenna Torres. I spelled her name correctly but it's pronounced like Tina. I think this is the girl who went to Camp Mariah. Oh yeah, it is. She's way oversinging right out of the gate. I can't recognize this song either. Also I think she's wearing a bad wig. I am not a fan of Tenna. She's wearing a too tight dress and it looks like someone threw up sequins all down the one arm of it. I think Tenna has potential but she is trying SO hard here. Settle down, girl. HA, and Nicki tells her to lose the hair. Word, Nicki. The judges liked it way better than I did.

Up next is Adriana Lotonio and she's from Alaska. That's pretty interesting. I want to visit there so bad. She's 17 and super pretty. We haven't seen her yet either. I like her voice a lot, it has a raspy quality that I'm drawn to usually. Again, I don't know the song. Sorry you guys. It's some power ballad type thing. She needs some help from the stylist, she's wearing something that looks like either a bad bridesmaids dress or prom dress. The red is good though. I like Adriana. The judges do too.

Commercials. After the break, we have Brandy Hotard. Hey, BRANDAAAAAY, you're a FIIIINE GIRL. She's 26 and is a psych nurse, which, good lord. Imagine what Hollywood Week was like for her. Brandy is cute and southern. Again, with the country song that I don't know. This is nice enough, kind of boring, but she sounds good. Nothing to write home about though. Nicki calls it "pageant delivery" which is exactly right. That's a perfect way to describe it. Sometimes when Nicki's not insane she makes a lot of sense.

Shubha Vedula is 17--I think everyone is 17 this season? She's cute as a button, I don't think I saw her audition. She's playing piano and doing a slowed down, jazzed up version of "Born This Way", finally a song I know. Oh wait, now she's done with the piano and she jumps up to sing the rest in a pair of skintight silver pants. Mariah has the most awkward absolutely frozen smile on her face watching this. It's not great. She should have stayed at the piano maybe. Keith was confused by the performance and gets a round of hearty boos for his trouble.

So we're halfway through and probably Adriana is safe so far, and Tenna even though I didn't love it, because the judges did.

After the break, we have Kamaria something--I can't catch it from Ryan or from Kamaria herself. She apparently has done backing vocals for "Diddy Dirty Money", which I couldn't help from laughing out loud at as I typed it. She's singing "Mr Know It All" and it does not start out good. Wow, and doesn't continue good either. Her boobs are just all over out of this fuschia sequined bustier that's she's wearing under a white blazer and black and white houndstooth pants. LESS IS MORE, KAMARIA. This performance is the worst so far. NEXT.

Next is Kree Harrison, contestant possessing the "what the hell kind of name is blank" name this season. Kree looks like that actress from Sweet Home Alabama that has the baby in the bar when Reese Witherspoon is like, You have a baby! In a bar! Kree is wearing an outfit that looks like what I wear when I run errands. A giant top over jeggings. Her voice is nice, but I seriously can't get past her outfit. She's doing "Up To The Mountain" and it's lovely. The judges all love it and her.

Now we have Angela Miller, who is one of my early favorites. Angela is 18 and from Massachusetts. She talks about watching the season 2 finale, and I don't want to talk about our respective ages when we watched that finale. Angela is singing "Nobody's Perfect" which is a Jessie J song that I don't know. She totally kills it. Her stage presence is awesome. Nicki goes on and on about her original performance, which was the shit, but she can't repeat that all the time. This performance was awesome.

Isabelle is up after the commercials. I liked her a lot in her first audition but I'm kind of giving her the side eye now that she's only using one name. You aren't Cher, or Madonna. Come on. I can identify with her struggles with being overweight though, and I bet other people will too. Her dress is TOO short and TOO tight, though. I gotta say though, man, her voice knocks my socks off. I would love to be able to open my mouth and sing like that. Randy calls it old fashioned, which I tend to agree with, I think her voice can handle more modern/contemporary things.

Amber Holcumb is in the pimp spot. She got cut last year but now is back. I feel like that's the theme of this season. They've run out of people who haven't auditioned once by now and so we're getting all the rejects. Is she really singing "My Funny Valentine"? Talk about old fashioned. I mean, even she sounds bored singing it. Her voice is really good but this song is stupid. Like two girls picked something contemporary that I've actually heard of. Anyway, they all love her.

So judgment time. My picks for who gets through are: Angela, Kree, Isabelle, Adriana and Tenna. Let's see if I could be a judge on this show! The judges are unanimous, so sorry Jimmy I, you don't get a vote tonight. After a quick recap of everyone, we're ready for results. Jenny Beth: out. Not surprised. Next is Brandy: out. So far I'm 2 for 2. These results are super awkward. Tenna is next. And she's in. Called it. I thought her performance was just okay though. Here's Kree. She's growing on me even though her name is, whoa. And she's in. Go Kree!

Why are they doing this out of order from the performances? Isabelle is next. Whoa, she gets cut. I didn't see that one coming. Okay, I missed one. So probably Amber is in her place. Angela is next. Come on, she's a shoo in. Clearly, she's in. Two more spots to fill. After commercials.

So after the break we have Adriana, Shubha, Kamaria and Amber. I say probably Adriana and Amber but let's see. Kamaria is up next, there is no way they put her through. That performance was terrible. She'll get cut, the next girl will get through, and then it'll come down to the last two for the last spot. Kamaria is cut. So up next is Amber, and she's getting in, so it'll come down to Adriana and Shubha. And yep, Amber's through.

Now we come down to Adriana and Shubha, two super sweet, adorable teenagers. I think Adriana should make it but here we go. If I had to get bad news, I'd want Keith Urban to be the one to give it to me, I think. He has such a melodic, soothing voice. I'm crazy mostly, guys. And Shubha is gone, with Adriana taking the last spot. Man I was so close. I really thought they'd let Isabelle through. And they finished a minute early! Go Seacrest!

Tomorrow night we do this all over again with the first group of guys. Brenna will take you through all the highs and lows!

These girls are on fiiiiiiiiiiire

Idol begins tonight's episode by reminding us that it's been six years since a girl won this show. Will this be a year one takes back the crown once worn by Kelly and Carrie? My gut says no, because only teenage girls vote for this show anymore, and teenage girls like White Guys With Guitars. Prove us wrong, ladies.

Angela Miller is up first, and she's singing an original song. She's from Beverly, MA, which is the hometown of one of my best friends, so I'll be cheering for her. Plus, this song is pretty good, and she sounds fantastic singing it. The judges are all in disbelief, and she gets a standing ovation.

Candice Glover is next, singing Girl On Fire. Full disclosure: this song drives me crazy, even though I feel like I should love it. But Candice sounds pretty good, perhaps even better than Alicia, even if her tight snakeskin pants are a bit misguided. (Seriously, I think my college roommate had those pants when she went as Steven Tyler for Halloween our junior year.)

Janelle Arthur is all country, all the time. This is her third time auditioning for the show. I don't really get that dedication, because I tried to audition once and gave up after that, but good for her, I guess. The judges like her but I think she's kind of generic.

So Zoanette/Donut is next, and she's instructing the band how she wants her song to be performed, and then holy crap, she's on the drum set herself making things up as she goes. This is going to either be the most amazing thing or the most disastrous thing ever on this show. Seriously, she admits to just making up the song on stage in rehearsal. So the song starts... and she's singing about the judges. And then, omg, she stops singing and starts yelling at the band to slow it down, and then she loses her drumstick. I have no idea what's going on anymore, but the judges inexplicably love it. Nicki goes so far as to say she is honored to be a part of the Zoanette era. I mean, she has the potential to be really entertaining... but also really terrible.

Angela, Candice, Janelle, and Zoanette are all moving on.

Shubha Vedula sings that Mariah song about believing, which I think Archuleta sang for Mariah night in his season - right Linds? I don't remember much about that night other than the Cookster's amazing rendition of Always Be My Baby.

Juliana Chahayed sings Landslide, and the ten seconds we hear are beautiful.

OMG. Donut took Kez Ban to the mall. That's a reality show I want to see. Kez is also singing an original song. It's... underwhelming. I think Kez is really great, but probably not for this show. She's going home, and she's really sweet in her exit interview, actually asking for a job with the production staff to stay around because she had so much fun.

Ashlee Feliciano is next, singing that song from Twilight that I'm ashamed of liking because it's from Twilight, and then the judges ramble about not taking everything so seriously. Cue montage of all of the girls being serious, of course.

Melinda Ademi finally sings an uptempo song, and she's wearing some kickass boots. Then we get a shot of Seacrest dancing in the audience, and he is the whitest white boy dancer of all time. Keith says she has a "light about her." Um, ok.

Now it's time for Kree, and we ask again, what kind of name is Kree? Oh dammit, she's singing Stars, by my current amazing girl crush Grace Potter, and I love this song so much. Please don't eff it up. Keith loves her. I think she's got potential, but maybe that song was her peak.

Lauren, Kree, and Melinda are safe.

So there are 24 girls left, and they need to get it down to 20. Randy sends three more girls home, and then he wants to have a few more girls sing again. Stephanie is up first, and she looks like the girl on Nashville who isn't Tami Taylor or the Heroes cheerleader. She's the jazzy one I liked from Chicago, and unfortunately she's singing Phillip Phillips' song from last year which we are all SO SICK OF by now. But she sounds good, and the judges seem to like it.

Rachel also has to sing again, and I don't like her nearly as much as Stephanie. She sings a song I don't know, and it's fine and all, but I wasn't blown away. Unfortunately, the judges prefer Rachel, which sucks, but realistically neither of them were going to win anyway.

So we have our top 20 girls, but there are still too many guys. They also need to sing again. Adam Lambert Flannel Version (aka Adam Sanders, not Adam Sandler) is up first, and I've liked him since his first audition. He's done terribly since then though. He sings Taking Chances, which is a song I belt frequently when in private, and it's not great. I think Adam is going bye bye.

Josh Holiday (isn't that a baseball player?) is singing Georgia On My Mind. He apparently wants to be a gospel artist, and American Idol seems to be the perfect place to pursue that goal, right? OMG. He totally rips his pants. And then keeps singing. It's fantastic. I kind of love him. Adam Sanders is going home, along with seven other guys, but Josh and his ripped pants are sticking around.

Now we FINALLY are done with auditions and have this season's top 40. Next week we have something called the sudden death round - is that new this year? I didn't watch last year - where we finally get an audience and live singing. Hang in there, readers, we're almost there!

You didn't have to CUT me OFF.

Girls Group Night! Yesssss...bout to see some bitchesssss. I honestly kind of want a girl to win the show this year since it's been like a hundred years since one has. Jordin? Right? That was a long ass time ago.

Anyway, here we go! Dramatic opening montage brings us into the girls filing into the auditorium ready to get through the first round of cuts. More girls than guys made it to Hollywood this year, apparently, so these will be some INTENSE CUTS.

Angela Miller, Victoria Acosta, and Mariah Pulice are all highlights in this first group. Mariah was the one who was "anorexic" but really just looked normal and skinny. She sings "Gravity" which is a great song but she only sounds okay on it. I don't think that was worthy of a pass. Angela is cute as hell and I love her hair. I don't know her song but she sounds pretty awesome. Victoria was the mariachi singer. She sings "Killing Me Softly" and is okay. Out of the three, I'd probably only put Angela through. Oh, well, they put Angela and Victoria through, and Mariah gets cut. I'm okay with that.

Montage of cuts including Ashley Smith, Anne the annoying Miss Arkansas girl and Sarah the Jersey blueberry farmer. I am sad about two of those cuts. Use context clues to figure out which one.

After the commercials, we have two country girls pitted against each other. Rachel Hale, who was super perky at her audition and Janelle Arthur, who I remember really liking. Rachel sings first and sounds pretty great. I don't know the song at all, sorry country people. I also don't know Janelle's song but think she sounds better than Rachel. I don't get why they both can't be through, but maybe they are? Oh and they both make it through, that's nice. They both seem like good girls.

Montage of girls getting through but we don't  hear who. Thanks show. After the break we start out with Candace Glover, who seriously could win this whole show based on her first audition. She is so freaking good. Also Nicki's hair is very subdued today. Next we have Megan Miller, the pageant queen who auditioned on crutches and left straight from there for surgery. She sings "Titanium" and sounds great too. Moving on is Candace but not Megan. I'm kind of surprised by that.

More yes montages. It would be nice to actually hear some of these people. Next up we have Isabelle something who was freaking awesome and talked about how she lost 50 lbs to audition for the show. She is gorgeous. Oh she has no last name...really? LOL.

YES IT'S KEZ BAN. Kez is fucking rad. I am super into this next segment. They show her going absolutely insane cheering for people in the audience. I love that. OMG she is actually singing "Nights in White Satin" and she kind of sounds like shit because she's lost her voice from screaming. That makes me sad. Also in this group is Briana Oakley, who is very good and is totally getting through to groups. Judgment time: Kez and Briana are both through to groups.

So now we have 72 girls who are about to be put into producer-structured groups. I cannot wait for this shit. Oh hell, the girls already know that the producers picked them because the guys spoiled it. Dammit. Oh man, Kez is with Angela Miller and Janelle the country girl and some other girl I've never seen. She's trying to force the girls to sing "California Dreamin'" and this is not happening.

We also check in with Isabelle's group. Shocker: they also can't agree on a song. Zoanette is in this group, remember I thought her name was Donut. Yikes. They show a group of four girls who I've never seen before and didn't catch any of their names on the first try. Sorry. LOL okay they picked "Sin Wagon" which is a terrible, terrible song.

Update: the girls in Kez's group find working with her "challenging", according to Ryan. She's kind of acting like an asshole right now. Ew, and she's like hacking and spitting into a trash can. Get it together, Kez.

Commercials are over and we're back and ready for the groups. The first ones out are the "Swaggettes", wow. Candace Glover is in this group. YES, they're singing "Hit Em Up Style" and they sound AMAZING. The harmonies at the beginning were awesome. Melinda Ademi and Denise Jackson are also in this group. Candace is really terrific. This group rocks. The whole group moves forward and deservedly so.

Up after commercial is the Sin Wagon group. This song sucks, seriously. Keith's face is great haha. Lauren Mink and Brandy Hotard are two of the girls in this group. Nicki is wearing a ridiculous hat. All four girls are through, and I should probably go back and get the other two girls' names, but...eh.

Now we have a group that looks like they were drama lama. They are singing "Somebody I Used To Know".  It's Savannah Votion, Lizz Weiss, Daysia Hall and J'Leigh Chautvin and it's kind of a hot mess a little bit. My husband goes, so what do you think of this? And I respond, it sucks. He's like, yeah, that's what I thought. Ha. The only one through is Daysia, who I thought was terrible, personally. Cue the dramatic overreactions from the rest of the group in 3, 2, 1...

Back from the break, time for more groups! "The Dramatics" is getting their camera time next and apparently they had problems too. They started out okay but at 4:00 am, imagine that, they're having issues. GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. GOD. You are not going to get any better at 4 am. Some girl named Janel is a drama queen or something and runs off and hugs her mom? I don't know. Kriss Mincey, Janel Stinney, Cristabel Clack, and someone else absolutely butcher "If I Die Young"--did they just pretend to stab themselves on the "it's a sharp knife" part? What the actual fuck? Janel is having an absolute breakdown. This is nuts. Keith fucking hated it. I love Keith. How the hell are they all through? This group was a joke.

Montage of shitty groups. Yay, cutting everyone! Go Keith. A couple quick cuts of some good girls who are the only ones in their groups to get through, I didn't move fast enough to get their names.

Urban Hue is the next group. The girl whose boyfriend was in the bad car accident is in this group. She was really good, I liked her. Seretha Guinn, Tenna Torres, Kiara Lanier and someone else whose name I don't get are in this group singing "American Boy." It was not good. At all. Nicki hated it, shocker, usually she loves everything. Where is Randy? I missed that I guess. Going through from this group is everyone but Seretha, which I think is some bullshit. Whatever, show.

Randy is back. Yay? The group with Donut in it is next. They are singing "Knock On Wood". In addition to Donut, we have Erin Christine, Lauren Bettes, and Isabelle. Donut is wearing a really unfortunate outfit and sounds awful. This has to be the end of the road. WHAT? THEY ONLY CUT LAUREN??? Seriously, Zoanette has got to go. My god.

Another group with problems. Girls are bitches. These girls all look homeless in this group. Apparently one named Liz is a problem? Or something? I don't even know, I can't keep up. They are also singing Gotye. It's Shira something, Alisha Dixon who just yells the song, Liz Bills who isn't wearing shoes, oh my god I hate this group. This is SO TERRIBLE. They all should be cut. They all look unwashed. OMG Liz is the only one who is through, the rest of these bitches are gonna be PISSED. They all hated her.

Oh and now Shira comes back to beg for another shot. Shira, you sucked worst of all, so it's time to go, babe. That was embarrassing.

American Idol--I don't want to download your app.

After the commercial, we have a really stupid group who changed their song choice the morning of auditions. This should go well. Oh god, so Stephanie Schimel, Alex Delaney, Kalli Therinae and Holly Miller completely screw up Gotye for like the third time this evening. No one knows the freaking words. Idiots. Randy says "Obviously, it was terrible", which makes me laugh out loud. Going through is Stephanie and Holly. I think Holly was the only one who really deserved that.

Montage of girls with lyrics written on their hands. Nicki's face is hilarious through this. Haha, this is actually one of the better montage segments they've done in a while. HAHA Nicki wrote "THEY SUCK" on her hand. I love this.

Another stressed out and frustrated group coming up. Theme of the night. God, another one singing "Sin Wagon"--this song sucks! They're mad at one girl who wanted to go to sleep. PEOPLE--YOU ALL NEED TO SLEEP. JUST DO IT. Britnee Kellogg is good. And knows the words. Kree Harrison, what the hell kind of name is Kree?? Brandy Neelly I think maybe doesn't really know the words. Haley Davis is the one who slept and has the words on her hand. Yikes. Haley is clearly lying and saying she went to sleep because she had a "stomach virus" but Nicki tells her she didn't have to go to sleep if she had a virus. The fuck? This is so ridiculous. The only one from the group that doesn't make it is Brandy Neelly. AWKWARD.

Ten minutes left so that means Kez's train wreck of a group is coming up last. They are calling themselves The Misfits, so there's that. The morning of auditions, the group is basically leaving without her. Kez honestly sounds terrible. I really loved her at her initial audition. Breanna actually sounds crappy too. Angela makes it work, somehow and so does Janelle. Weirder things have happened tonight, so this will be interesting. They put them all through??  Jesus...honestly, Kez and Breanne were not good. This show, seriously.

So tomorrow is where they whittle down the remaining girls into 20. And I guess we'll find out which 8 guys get cut tomorrow too? Brenna's got you then!

It's Raining Men, Part Two

So how bout that group night, huh?? I gotta say, when Brenna sent me a link saying that the producers were going to pick the groups, my first reaction was, that's some bullshit there. But honestly, it was kind of brilliant, especially once they showed the footage of everyone already trying to group up once they found out they were through.

SO! Onto tonight, where I'm assuming we'll be narrowing it down to the top 20 semi finalist guys. Which, have there always been 40 freaking semi finalists? Or what? Ryan says to prepare ourselves for SHOCKING eliminations. Ryan: if Papa Peachez gets cut, we won't be shocked. Also, I guess we're not discussing how Matt Farmer aka Army vet who was sterile but not really is a big giant liar who made all that shit up? According to Perez Hilton.

Solo Day. Let's do this. I want to know more about the dirty looking guy in the gray tanktop. Up first is Paul Jolley and what the actual fuck is Nicki wearing? CRAZY blonde wig and a really stupid looking hat. Paul is very nervous and everyone is begging him to pull it together. I don't know this song he's singing but I think he sounds very good and he's very cute.

Lazaro is up next and sings "Edge of Glory" and I just really freaking love him. He sounds great. He is the first sob story that I think I might actually be rooting for. After Lazaro comes Curtis, who has a super voice but it's not really anything special or different. He sings "Jar of Hearts" which is a song that I love.

We're up to the first set of cuts. Lazaro, Paul and Curtis are all through, and the other five losers we didn't even get to see sing are going home. So yay for Lazaro!

Commercials are over and we're ready for the next group. Up first is Devin Velez who was I think the only one that made it out of one of the train wreck groups last night. He's singing "What a Wonderful World" and he has a nice voice but it kind of seems Broadwayish to me. Or kind of like Justin Guarini maybe. He reminds me of Justin for some reason.

Gurpreet aka The Turbanator sings "Georgia on My Mind" with a guitar and sounds perfectly pleasant. Cortez Shaw also gets some screen time and I don't really think he's all that--I kind of agreed with Nicki after his Whitney Houston audition yesterday. They also show Mattheus Fernadez, who I still can't believe we aren't discussing how he was on The Glee Project. He sings some weird goth/Evanescance version of "Stronger" and it's not great. And Nicki basically tells him to STFU about his height, which I kind of loved. What's up with me agreeing with Nicki all the time now!?

Moment of truth time. Mattheus gets cut. Devin gets through. As does The Turbanator and Cortez. I have no strong feelings about any of these things, lol.

Next group. Nicholas Mathis was in the Couch Potatoes group which was the funniest group of all time. He's singing "Locked Out of Heaven" which is my current new favorite workout song. He does okay, pretty good I guess, which I realize isn't really a ringing endorsement haha. Keith's looking gooood. He doesn't get good reviews and doesn't take it well. Oops.

Oh god, Papa Peachez is still here. Seriously. We're getting split footage between him and Jimmy Smith. Papa's up first singing Gaga's "You and I" and just sounds straight TERRIBLE. These judges better just get it over with and cut his ass, come on. Nicki goes disappointed teacher on him, and it's basically awesome. Jimmy sings "Landslide" and sounds way better than he's sounded in recent footage. Mariah loves him.

So who makes it to the next round? We'll find out after a commercial, of course. Nicki's giving a lecture and they're all just like, STFU already. Nicholas and Papa Peachez are out, and Jimmy and a whole other mess of guys are in. Nicholas freaks the fuck out, which is always fun to watch. Except not.

Nick Boddington is in the next group, and he got cut in Vegas last year, apparently. Is this the first time we're hearing this? He's singing and playing piano and I get a bit of a Matt Giraud vibe from him. I loved Matt. I don't recognize the song but he sounds lovely. All the judges are smiling.

Up next is super awkward Charlie Askew who is telling his life story before he sings his song, which is Gotye's "Somebody I Used To Know"--this is actually the perfect song choice for him. This is kind of awesome, and I love it. But was it ENOUGH? Was that dramatic enough for you guys? Going through, both Charlie and Nick and a couple other dudes.

Sorry, I feel like this recap is getting kind of monotonous but they're sticking with a formula here and I'm just telling you what's happening. BUT THERE IS A TWIST COMING! Burnell Taylor is next also singing "Jar of Hearts" like Curtis. Burnell looks like Steve Urkel. Marvin Calderon, that's a lot of name, is also singing this song. Dudes, there are so many other songs out there, pick some other shit. Marvin sounds better than Burnell. Oh well, they both make it anyway, so whatever.

Micah Johnson of the surgery-induced speech impediment is coming up next. His voice is so smooth and lovely. He really needs a makeover though, his outfit is terrible and ill fitting. I don't know this song he's singing but he sounds okay. Oh wait maybe I know the song, I think it's country but I don't know who sings it. We have to go to a commercial before we can find out what they think of it? Okay then.

Oops, and Micah's eliminated. Aww bummer, he seems like a really nice dude with a great voice. Gabe Brown also gets eliminated, which I'm not sad about. AWWW and Nate with the deaf parents got cut too! Boo, he was so cute.

Now it's time for the TWIST for tonight. Okay, so there are 28 guys left, and they just told them that 8 of them will be cut next week? Why is this a shocker? Didn't they say before that only 20 guys could make the semi finals? LAME, show.

YESSS, previews for next Wednesday's train wreck of the girls in Hollywood. I can't wait to recap the catfights that we're going to see.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

It's Hollywood Week, bitches! Basically 95% of the reason I watch this show. Apparently they've split up Hollywood Week by gender, and this week we get the men. Keith Urban makes a Hunger Games comparison, therefore making me love him even more than I already did. So if this is the Arena, who is the Peeta Mellark standing in our midst? Let's find out.

Nicki hair status: long and blonde. Keith shirt status: tight tee shirt.

We start with the a capella round. Micah, the guy who had his tonsils removed, is up first, and he sings Benny and the Jets, which is an awesome song choice even if it always reminds me of 27 Dresses. Micah gets through, as do some other guys including The Turbanator. Some guy named Karl has entirely too much energy and sings Ain't Too Proud to Beg, and luckily for my tolerance he's gone, as are firefighter and the singing doctor. Luckily for them, they have real jobs to fall back on.

Cortez is next, and he sings I Will Always Love You, which should be the kiss of death, but Mariah enjoyed, and Nicki hates. Um, Nicki? You rap. I'm still not entirely sure why you're judging this show. But Cortez is through, and I hope he realizes he should never sing Whitney Houston.

They show us a bunch of guys who make it through, but it's all too fast for me to write down any names. Then it's time for Lazaro, the stuttering guy. I feel so bad listening to him talk, but it's incredible how he sings like there is nothing wrong. If I was him, I'd sing everything. Lazaro is on to the next round.

Brian is doing some sort of Chris Daughtry version of Back At One, which - true story - I hear on 90s on 9 all the time. Brian is going home, which I'm not all that upset about.

And now... it is GROUP NIGHT. This is, hands down, our favorite part of this entire show. It has given us train wrecks and Blake Lewis making magic. OMG IT'S A BRITTENUM, the namesake of this entire blog. I'm so excited. So apparently the producers are picking groups this year, but the contestants don't know that yet, and they're picking groups already. Oh this is going to be good.

Poor Lazaro is having issues communicating with his group, plus he doesn't know a lot of the songs. They've also paired two country guys with two Adam Lambert style divas, which is going to be a hot mess. We see some clips of groups rehearsing, and one is doing One Direction with beatboxing, and I really hope we get to see that entire performance. Adam Lambert Flannel Version is not loving his group, and they're all arguing, and in true group night fashion, it's 4am, and groups still can't get their shit together. Especially the country/divas group, which is a total disaster right now.

The Mathheads are up first, which includes the little person and three other guys I don't remember. They sing Somebody to Love, and it is awesome. Nicki dicks around for like an hour until she tells them they're all through to the next round... in a British accent, because of course.

Normal Hills is up next. Johnny, who Nicki basically undressed with her eyes, is in this group, and he can't remember the lyrics. That always ends up well for these contestants. Overall, the performance is not good. Apparently it is because three of the four in the group have never heard I'll Be There before, which is ridiculous. Somehow only one of the four is going home, and it's not the one who forgot the lyrics.

The next group is a sitcom waiting to happen. It's one tiny little nerdy white hippie boy paired with with two big black men. And they're singing The Lazy Song, which is absurd as a song to begin with, but then they make it all come to church soulful, which is hilarious and also awesome at the same time. It's RIDICULOUS. And it gets a standing ovation.

A group called The Four Tones is all going through, and one named Young Love sings Some Kind of Wonderful while looking like Danny Zuko and the T Birds. They're also through to the next round. The next group butchers One Direction, and the next group forgets all the words to Don't You Wanna Stay. Dudes, *I* know all of the words to that song, and it's one of about six country songs I have ever listened to in my life.

Oh man, this next group. We have The Turbanator, a guy with a fro wrapped up in a giant Christmas bow, and two other comparatively nondescript men. They butcher Payphone. Oh man, it's bad. So, so bad. And somehow they are all going through! And Nicki is yelling that it's her favorite group. What the actual fuck, it was TERRIBLE. I can't even pretend to take these judges seriously.

The next group dedicates their song - which is One Direction - to Nicki and Mariah. And it's a hot mess. Seriously, I've heard drunk girls at the bar sing this song better than these guys. Keith calls it the "wrongest" song, and we'll forgive him for that, because maybe that's a world in Australian. They're all going home, thankfully.

The next group attempts to sing Payphone a capella, and all but one of them move on.

It's now Mo Flo's turn. They are also singing Some Kind of Wonderful, and they're pretty solid. The judges send two of them home, which is bullshit, since they sent the entire train wreck through just ten minutes earlier.

Finally time for Lazaro's group, and they're all concerned about Lazaro not knowing the Beach Boys, and seriously, if you're auditioning for this show, do your fucking homework and listen to some damn music. Every year we get people who say they don't know a song, and it's not like some obscure hipster band. It's the Beach Boys. Lazaro and another guy make it through, but two of them go home, which again is bullshit based on the criteria set forth earlier. Ugh.

The country/divas group has named themselves Country Queen, which. is. fantastic. I want this to be good so badly. And they're singing More Than Words. Ok, I have to comment on this one guy's shoes. He is wearing heels that are probably higher than what I usually wear, and that is impressive, because I wear some high heels. I respect you, dude. Unfortunately, the performance is not good. Half of them forget the lyrics, and it's just sloppy all around. Three of the four survive, though.

DKSK looks like they are all 15 years old, and I'm already worried for their sanity. They are singing For The Longest Time, and while it resembles a high school show choir performance, they sound mostly good. Half of them are moving on. 

Still with me? We're almost to the end, dear readers. Our final group is Oz, and they have had a lot of drama apparently, even though it all seems quite boring to me. Adam Lambert Flannel Version is in this group, as is freaking Papa Peachez, as well a guy who is crying before he even goes on stage. Seriously, he is losing his shit right before they're supposed to be performing They're singing American Boy. It's, as you could have predicted, a hot mess. Papa Peachez actually calls it a hot mess, and for some reason, probably because she is a hot mess herself, Nicki keeps talking to them as if they have a chance in this competition. And somehow, because this show is officially in crazy land, Papa Peachez makes it through along with Adam Lambert Flannel Version and one of the other guys. The guy who was losing his shit, whose name is Frankie, is going home, and Keith looks like he's going to cry, and then he makes a bad Frankie returns to Hollywood joke.

So that's group night! Lindsay will take you through round two of the men tomorrow night, and then we get to do this all over again with the ladies next week.