It's Hollywood Week, bitches! Basically 95% of the reason I watch this show. Apparently they've split up Hollywood Week by gender, and this week we get the men. Keith Urban makes a Hunger Games comparison, therefore making me love him even more than I already did. So if this is the Arena, who is the Peeta Mellark standing in our midst? Let's find out.
Nicki hair status: long and blonde. Keith shirt status: tight tee shirt.
We start with the a capella round. Micah, the guy who had his tonsils removed, is up first, and he sings Benny and the Jets, which is an awesome song choice even if it always reminds me of 27 Dresses. Micah gets through, as do some other guys including The Turbanator. Some guy named Karl has entirely too much energy and sings Ain't Too Proud to Beg, and luckily for my tolerance he's gone, as are firefighter and the singing doctor. Luckily for them, they have real jobs to fall back on.
Cortez is next, and he sings I Will Always Love You, which should be the kiss of death, but Mariah enjoyed, and Nicki hates. Um, Nicki? You rap. I'm still not entirely sure why you're judging this show. But Cortez is through, and I hope he realizes he should never sing Whitney Houston.
They show us a bunch of guys who make it through, but it's all too fast for me to write down any names. Then it's time for Lazaro, the stuttering guy. I feel so bad listening to him talk, but it's incredible how he sings like there is nothing wrong. If I was him, I'd sing everything. Lazaro is on to the next round.
Brian is doing some sort of Chris Daughtry version of Back At One, which - true story - I hear on 90s on 9 all the time. Brian is going home, which I'm not all that upset about.
And now... it is GROUP NIGHT. This is, hands down, our favorite part of this entire show. It has given us train wrecks and Blake Lewis making magic. OMG IT'S A BRITTENUM, the namesake of this entire blog. I'm so excited. So apparently the producers are picking groups this year, but the contestants don't know that yet, and they're picking groups already. Oh this is going to be good.
Poor Lazaro is having issues communicating with his group, plus he doesn't know a lot of the songs. They've also paired two country guys with two Adam Lambert style divas, which is going to be a hot mess. We see some clips of groups rehearsing, and one is doing One Direction with beatboxing, and I really hope we get to see that entire performance. Adam Lambert Flannel Version is not loving his group, and they're all arguing, and in true group night fashion, it's 4am, and groups still can't get their shit together. Especially the country/divas group, which is a total disaster right now.
The Mathheads are up first, which includes the little person and three other guys I don't remember. They sing Somebody to Love, and it is awesome. Nicki dicks around for like an hour until she tells them they're all through to the next round... in a British accent, because of course.
Normal Hills is up next. Johnny, who Nicki basically undressed with her eyes, is in this group, and he can't remember the lyrics. That always ends up well for these contestants. Overall, the performance is not good. Apparently it is because three of the four in the group have never heard I'll Be There before, which is ridiculous. Somehow only one of the four is going home, and it's not the one who forgot the lyrics.
The next group is a sitcom waiting to happen. It's one tiny little nerdy white hippie boy paired with with two big black men. And they're singing The Lazy Song, which is absurd as a song to begin with, but then they make it all come to church soulful, which is hilarious and also awesome at the same time. It's RIDICULOUS. And it gets a standing ovation.
A group called The Four Tones is all going through, and one named Young Love sings Some Kind of Wonderful while looking like Danny Zuko and the T Birds. They're also through to the next round. The next group butchers One Direction, and the next group forgets all the words to Don't You Wanna Stay. Dudes, *I* know all of the words to that song, and it's one of about six country songs I have ever listened to in my life.
Oh man, this next group. We have The Turbanator, a guy with a fro wrapped up in a giant Christmas bow, and two other comparatively nondescript men. They butcher Payphone. Oh man, it's bad. So, so bad. And somehow they are all going through! And Nicki is yelling that it's her favorite group. What the actual fuck, it was TERRIBLE. I can't even pretend to take these judges seriously.
The next group dedicates their song - which is One Direction - to Nicki and Mariah. And it's a hot mess. Seriously, I've heard drunk girls at the bar sing this song better than these guys. Keith calls it the "wrongest" song, and we'll forgive him for that, because maybe that's a world in Australian. They're all going home, thankfully.
The next group attempts to sing Payphone a capella, and all but one of them move on.
It's now Mo Flo's turn. They are also singing Some Kind of Wonderful, and they're pretty solid. The judges send two of them home, which is bullshit, since they sent the entire train wreck through just ten minutes earlier.
Finally time for Lazaro's group, and they're all concerned about Lazaro not knowing the Beach Boys, and seriously, if you're auditioning for this show, do your fucking homework and listen to some damn music. Every year we get people who say they don't know a song, and it's not like some obscure hipster band. It's the Beach Boys. Lazaro and another guy make it through, but two of them go home, which again is bullshit based on the criteria set forth earlier. Ugh.
The country/divas group has named themselves Country Queen, which. is. fantastic. I want this to be good so badly. And they're singing More Than Words. Ok, I have to comment on this one guy's shoes. He is wearing heels that are probably higher than what I usually wear, and that is impressive, because I wear some high heels. I respect you, dude. Unfortunately, the performance is not good. Half of them forget the lyrics, and it's just sloppy all around. Three of the four survive, though.
DKSK looks like they are all 15 years old, and I'm already worried for their sanity. They are singing For The Longest Time, and while it resembles a high school show choir performance, they sound mostly good. Half of them are moving on.
Still with me? We're almost to the end, dear readers. Our final group is Oz, and they have had a lot of drama apparently, even though it all seems quite boring to me. Adam Lambert Flannel Version is in this group, as is freaking Papa Peachez, as well a guy who is crying before he even goes on stage. Seriously, he is losing his shit right before they're supposed to be performing They're singing American Boy. It's, as you could have predicted, a hot mess. Papa Peachez actually calls it a hot mess, and for some reason, probably because she is a hot mess herself, Nicki keeps talking to them as if they have a chance in this competition. And somehow, because this show is officially in crazy land, Papa Peachez makes it through along with Adam Lambert Flannel Version and one of the other guys. The guy who was losing his shit, whose name is Frankie, is going home, and Keith looks like he's going to cry, and then he makes a bad Frankie returns to Hollywood joke.
So that's group night! Lindsay will take you through round two of the men tomorrow night, and then we get to do this all over again with the ladies next week.
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