Oklahoma! Home of Carrie Underwood. This is the first time Idol is auditioning in the Sooner State, which is surprising. I feel like we always end up with a crop of Midwesterners in Hollywood week, but I guess they travel well.
Hey, some girl lost her cowboy hat! Hooray, the last round of auditions before Hollywood, aka, Brenna's and my favorite part. I kind of love this new (is it new?) thing where the judges come out and give a little pep talk to the waiting peeps.
Karl is up first and he looks like maybe he's related to Dale Earnhart Jr. Or something. He seems like he has some kind of social phobia. He sings "I Feel Good" and tries to dance like James Brown. He's right on the border of screaming and singing and I can't decide if this is a joke. He pretty much sucks so the judges try to convince him to go into hosting instead. Wait, what, he got a ticket?? That was weird.
Keith's hair is looking good in Oklahoma. So is Keith. Keith always looks good, who are we kidding. After the commercials, montage of crap people. LONG montage of crap people. Nate is up next, and he is an American Sign Language teacher. Both of his parents are deaf. I feel like I could make a joke here about how if he sucks, how would they know, but Nate is super adorable. I hope he doesn't suck. He sings "For Once In My Life" which I love, and he sounds pretty good, if a little sharpish on the higher notes. They all love him, he's through to Hollywood.
Okay, girl with a puppet = fucking weirdo. SERIOUSLY. Don't show up with a goddamned puppet. This isn't American Puppet Show. Her name is Haley, and I seriously just can't even with her and this freaking dog puppet. She sings some country song I've heard before and this puppet, who has a name that I won't even type, is dancing along. Keith seriously just looks like, what the actual fuck? Her voice is pretty good, but she's a weirdo.
After the break we have some crazy girl who on first watch I thought her name was Donut. Swear to god, that's what it sounded like she said. Oh okay, wait, it's ZOANETTE. That's so much better, right? She blares out a terrible rendition of the National Anthem and she forgets the words halfway through. This is a nightmare. Of course Nicki fucking loves her. Can we please move on, PLEASE? She is just rambling at the camera now like she has bipolar disorder. OH MY GOD THEY PUT HER THROUGH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
I can't even get over what just happened. My God. This show. Anyway, we're back after the break with a montage of criers. There's no crying in Idol! Get it together, people. You will die in Hollywood if you cry at your audition, everyone knows that.
We have a girl named Anastacia who can't walk in her goddamned shoes, like, wear flats, no one cares if you audition in stripper heels. She is singing "Unbreak My Heart" and it sucks real bad. Of course. They can tell she's one second away from losing it and Randy gently asks her if someone told her to audition and she says....she's pretty sure God told her to audition. This is just so awkward and she's clearly mentally unstable. Please get her out of here.
Up last we have the evening's sob story, in the form of adorable Kayden, a 16 year old boy with cystic fibrosis. He is seriously just the cutest damn thing and I almost cry when he talks about how his life expectancy is 35 years old. He's singing "I Wish" and he isn't great but he has that high boy band kind of voice that just needs some work. He probably won't make it through Hollywood, but of course the judges are going to give this kid a ticket.
Why the hell is Steven fucking Tyler here dressed up in drag pretending to audition? HE IS NOT ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE. MAKE IT STOP. This has officially been the weirdest, most screwed up episode of this show ever. Thank God it's Hollywood Week next week. I feel like these auditions went really fast which was a blessing. See you next week in LA!
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