I'm on a boat.

Wow, it's the last week of auditions! I feel like this used to take a million years in the past seasons. Or did it just feel that way? Anyway, that means next week is HOLLYWOOD WEEK, with the wonder that is GROUP NIGHT, so let's just get this week out of the way, k?

We are starting in San Antonio. Nicki hair status: blonde. Keith shirt status: not yet completely unbuttoned.

The first audition is Vincent, and he's in love with Mariah. Apparently he made it to the end of Hollywood Week last year, and then something about Randy taking a too long sip of his drink throwing him off his game. The judges all love him, and he's going back to Hollywood.

Derek and David are up next, and they are brothers. I predict that only one of them would get through. Oh wait, they're both terrible. The judges all agree. Mariah is awesome and tells them "there is a basic rule of harmonizing... which is stay on pitch so the other person can stay on pitch also." OK, that was fantastic. The brothers won't accept no. Dudes, it doesn't matter how much passion you have if you can't sing. Just give it up already, guys. Next!!!

Oh boy, this next girl. She is wearing a sequined bandeau top. And she has a belly button piercing. And she has a five-year-old daughter. Her name is Savannah, and she is singing At Last, which is at least top ten on the Songs Which Should Be Banned Forever From American Idol List. The judges all love her, but I wasn't really that overwhelmed. I'm probably just so jaded from 12 seasons of this show.

Cristabel is next. Her family is just too gorgeous and perfect. She sings some Alicia Keys, and she's lovely. Mariah loves it, as do the rest of the judges.

And here is Miss University of Arkansas. This girl is obnoxious. And yet also boring, somehow. She sings Faith Hill, the judges love her, she's going to Hollywood.

Victoria is next, and she is singing Fergie. I always like the strategy of singing a song by an artist who isn't all that good and sounding great, rather than singing something like Adele and paling in comparison. Oh, this girl is also the singer for a mariache band, and she sounds awesome singing that style! I like her, she's different.

Montage of awfulness, followed by Papa Peachez, who describes himself as "a big black woman trapped in a little white boy's body." Oh goody, he also dances. He sings an original song. It is, as to be expected, terrible. Yet Nicki inexplicably loves him. And no one outright hates him, even though Keith says no. Randi eventually changes his no to a yes, and he's going to Hollywood. JUDGES. WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING??? That was TERRIBLE. I miss Simon so much right now, he would not have let that shit happen.

This 16-year-old guy coming up next looks promising. He sings and dances. Could we have ourselves a little mini Usher on our hands? Man I hope so, I need something good after the Papa Peachez fiasco. Anyway, his name is Sanni, and he kills it with some Michael Jackson. He sounds awesome, he has charisma, and he is adorable. This kid could actually be a pop star. NOT PAPA PEACHEZ.

The final audition of San Antonio is Adam Sanders, and I'm going to describe him as Adam Lambert 2.0, Flannel Shirt Edition. He is ridiculous, and I mean that in the absolute best way possible. He's insanely good. I like this kid. He's going to Hollywood!

Now we've moved to Long Beach, aboard the Queen Mary. Nicki has some kind of conflict, and Mariah is stuck in traffic, so it's just Keith and Randy to start off with, and you can tell they are thrilled to not have the girls' bickering to deal with. Shubha is up first. She's good, but is what Simon would describe as "cabaret." Doesn't matter though, because Simon isn't here, and the boys send her to Hollywood.

Mariah's cleavage has arrived, and so has Mariah, just in time for Brian, who is singing some Phil Collins. I'll use this terrible audition to let you know that I watched The Americans last night, and it was pretty good, and there was an amazing scene which used In The Air Tonight nearly perfectly. Brian sucked. He's done.

Matt is a totally attractive rocker type with an equally adorable daughter. I like him already. AND he's a veteran who was in an IED explosion. He was injured and was supposed to be sterile, but then he had this miracle daughter. Oh GAWD. You just know the producers squealed in delight when they read this guy's story, it's made for television perfection. AND he can sing. Just stop the competition already. Unless this guy screws up in Hollywood, this is your 2013 American Idol. No one else has a shot anymore.

The next audition is a girl who screams Adele. Literally screams. And now Nicki is back, just in time for the next girl, who is wearing a captain's hat. Because they're on a boat, remember? Captain Girl starts singing, and then some kind of alarm starts to go off, and everyone has to evacuate the ship. Creepy Uncle Nigel sighting!!! Anyway, we're back on the ship, and Captain Girl is singing again. She is going to Hollywood.


Bad auditions, blah blah. The next guy has a sob story about his tonsils or something. He sounds great anyway, singing some Zac Brown Band. Keith even starts harmonizing with him. The judges all love him, and of course he's going to Hollywood.

Ugh, there's still a half hour left. Rachel is next, she's southern and bubbly, she's fine, but I'm pretty bored by her. I'm mostly reading 30 Rock tributes instead.

It's now Briana's turn. Briana once sang on Maury Povich, which educates me to the fact that Maury Povich apparently covers topics that do not include paternity tests or "my mom dresses too sexy." Briana was bullied and had to change schools. And yet she wants to go on television again... Apparently potential of fame > potential to be bullied. Yep, that seems healthy. She's going to Hollywood.

Matteus is our last audition of the episode. He's short. I think this is the guy who was on The Glee Project, meaning he had his shot at this already. He is also the second person in this episode to sing A Change is Gonna Come. The judges are all raving, and Matteus is crying, and I apparently don't have a soul, because I am not moved at all. Matteus is going to Hollywood.

That's a wrap from San Antonio and Long Beach! Lindsay will recap tonight's trip to Carrie Underwood's home state of Oklahoma. It's a good thing, because if I was doing it, the recap would be written solely in lyrics from the musical Oklahoma. See you then!