Southern Hospitality

Full disclosure--I love Nicki Minaj's music. I have a bunch of her songs on my iPod to listen to when I exercise, and they're perfect. But I cannot stand to listen to her speak. Watching two 2-hour episodes of this show has already worn me out on her talking. So I say this now for the rest of the season: shut up, Nicki.

Anyway, so we're in Charlotte this week. Cheesy racing themed intro with Seacrest in a race car. Some good Idols have come out of North Carolina, according to Randy. He's lumping Scotty in there, though, so... But also Clay came from NC! Original #oldladyvote. I understand why people love Scotty but he is just not my thing.

This time, we get four minutes in before we have an audition/meet a contestant. So, getting better here, show. This is Naomi, and she's extremely confident and dressed like a stripper portraying a "business lady". This should be good. Also: pink eye makeup. Guess what? She sucks! Imagine that. She first butchers "Respect" and then "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and gets unanimous nos.

Extended preview for what looks like the big Mariah/Nicki feud we've all heard so much about. Mariah's hair looks very full and luxurious in Charlotte. Back from commercial. A weirdo named Joel is up next, I can't even deal with his nerves. He lies on the ground and sings? What the actual fuck? Apparently he remembers when Andrea Bocelli made Daughtry do this? I don't remember that. He gets down on the ground and does a totally weird, awful version of "Feelin' Good." GOODBYE JOEL.

First sob story of the evening: we meet Brian the bookkeeper from Georgia, who has a cute son and a wife who beat stage 4 cancer. They seem like a nice, normal down to earth family. I'm guessing based by his accent, we have a country audition. He blows it out of the water with "Let It Be"--what a nice, rich, quality voice. Go Brian. Four yeses, and he's through to Hollywood. I hope Group Day doesn't eat him alive.

Randy is wearing some sort of bedazzled, glittery necklace. Yikes. Up after the break is a guy named Jimmy Smith who says Keith is his inspiration. He has very curly hair and a thick Southern accent. He sings "Bless The Broken Road" fairly well, if not all that impressive. He's cute though, girls will probably like him. He's got a boy band look/sound. He's through, of course. So a half hour in, four auditions, two good ones.

Montage of good auditions, including a girl named Sarina, a generic country blonde named Haley and a girl named Na'Chelle who sounds like she's trying to do a Mariah falsetto, but she gets through. Weird bit where Mariah is singing to Keith as they take a break? Wasted footage. AND, another commercial. Gawd.

Back with Ryan driving the race car again. Scotty McCreery shows up at the auditions to fulfill his contractual obligation--I mean, mentor the contestants. We have crazy Matthew in a cowboy hat from South Carolina. He has Brooks Orpik crazy eyes and says he's been compared to Brad Paisley. I know this is not going to turn out well. And....he's not good. Sorry Matthew. He then does some sort of weird dance? Good lord, these people are all crazy.

Up next is a sweet looking girl with her whole family named Isabel, who is one of those nominated auditions like we saw in the premiere. Because that worked out so well. Randy shows up in front of like half her school or something to give her an audition ticket. She is 16, and sounds really awesome singing a Sam Cooke song. And she's cute as hell, too. The judges all love her, she's moving on.

After the break we have a girl named Taisha who is in an alternative rock band with a bunch of guys. They all came to her audition to support her, which is kind of nice. She is going to audition with "Folsom Prison Blues", which is weird. It's not a great audition. She kills it on "You Oughta Know", though. I like this girl. Nicki and Keith say yes, Mariah and Randy say no, and Keith pulls the "we're in North Carolina, so I'm the decider" card and she gets through.

Montage of split decisions and everyone getting frustrated when people don't agree with them, so we are probably leading up to the BIG FEUD, right? Summer does a pretty boring country-fied rendition of "Lean On Me." She's pretty, her voice is good, but she's just nothing all that special. They all get into a big discussion with her about country music and is she really a country artist, blah blah BLAH BLAH. Nicki makes some dig at Mariah and Randy that I honestly don't even get. They all start bickering and bitching right in front of this poor girl. OH MY GOD SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Nicki walks off and they're all making fun of her, hahaha.

We come back from commercial with all the media clips of everyone talking about THE FEUD which honestly? Was stupid. I mean, they're all back the next day, whatever. So dumb. I feel bad for poor Brandy who is the first one to audition the day after all this crap. She is a Navy reservist who used to get in trouble for singing while on duty--that's pretty funny. Her voice is okay, but I don't know if she's good enough for this show. Wow, they all liked her though, she's going through.

ANOTHER commercial?? Holy shit, there has been one after every person, I think. I love how "The Following" commercials are like, SET YOUR DVR NOW! No way, show, you look creepy.

We come back to some girl eating a sandwich and talking about how amazing it is--really. Her name is Ashley Smith and she's wearing a grandma blouse with pearls, hipster glasses and has a ring through her nose like a bull. She is also annoying as fuck. Oh my God, she's really good. REALLY good. What the ever loving hell? I totally judged a book by its cover, but her personality is annoying, so there. Holy shit, four yeses, she's going to Hollywood. Did not see this coming.

Montage of Nicki giving everyone nicknames. She tells some Clay Aiken looking guy that he should go by Stud. That rules. Janelle from Tennessee is next. She was a theme park singer at Dollywood which is AWESOME. She has a great, rich awesome country voice. I dig Janelle. Keith loves her. She's totally going through. Everyone adores her. Janelle is going to Hollywood.

After commercial, montage of crap people that we're rushing through because Keith has to leave. Keith! Don't go! After the montage is over, we have a really tall guy named Rodney who claims he's "the voice of Charlotte." Hmm. He sings on the street. He gives half of his money to help out homeless people, because he was homeless himself a few years ago. What a nice guy. I hope this is true. I'm so cynical about hoaxes now because of Manti freaking Te'o. He sings Edwin McCain and sounds very nice, big strong voice. I like Rodney. Unanimous yeses, and the voice of Charlotte is moving on to the next round.

Ryan chats with Candace, who got eliminated in Vegas last year. She has a really good attitude about it and seems really together this year. I don't remember her at all, but I didn't watch the audition rounds last year. Holy hell, she is good. Stunningly good. Randy gives her a standing O. This girl could win, seriously. All the judges fall all over her, deservedly so. So yeah, Candace is through.

 After the break, Ryan poses for pictures with everyone. I would totally want a picture with Ryan if I were there. This is Ja'Bria who likes to hunt and fish. She has a huge discussion with the judges about "frog gigging", whatever the hell that is. This whole discussion about eating frog legs is kind of hilarious, but I want to gag. I really love her voice. The judges love her, and she's going to Hollywood.

Creepy music tells us that this next guy is probably a weirdo. His name is Brad and oh my god, what the hell is he talking about? I can't even include all the shit he's saying here because this recap would be three times as long. Summary: he is indeed, a weirdo. He sings "A Whole New World" (seriously) and I can't stop laughing. Bye, Brad.

We take our 9,000th commercial break of the show. Only ten minutes left so we've only got one more. Not a bad episode, despite how it started out. Montage of people getting tickets, but of course we don't get to hear any of them sing because we had to hear Brad sing Aladdin.

Last up is Theresa who does hair and is a mom. Sob story alert: her boyfriend was in an accident and has had a million surgeries. He doesn't know she's auditioning. She takes her adorable daughter, London, into the audition. She is auditioning with "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and it is freaking awesome. Theresa is kind of the shit, guys. They ask her to sing something else and she does "How Do I Live"--it's great too. She is going to Hollywood.

So that's it for Charlotte! 37 people made it through. Tomorrow Brenna will take you guys through the auditions in Baton Rouge, and this should be good. Swamp People and all that. Voodoo. Sweet.