Tender moments with your dawgs, brought to you by MSHBB.

Welcome to country week, ladies & gentlemen! Lindsay & I were talking earlier today about how awesome Dolly Parton Week was last year, like 10% because of how crazy and/or awesome Dolly is, but 90% because it was the week David Cook decided to finally cut his hair and become hot overnight.

That said, this season has been pissing me off bad, and so I decided to look at my blog from the first week last year to remind myself that I don't always love everyone right off the bat. Actually written by yours truly:

The band is about eight miles from the singers… perhaps they were as creeped out by David Cook as we were?

I want Brooke to stay in this competition as long as possible, because I really think we’re seeing an artist blossom in front of us.

So, yeah, I don't always get it right. I still have hope for this year.

Back to tonight. Kara thinks it's Dreamgirls tribute night, based on what she's wearing. I particularly love Simon during country week, because he usually expresses the disdain I feel for the genre. Randy Travis is our mentor this week, and he's in the audience with his wife (maybe?) who is rocking a Lady Gaga wig.

"Ain't Going Down Till the Sun Comes Up," longest song title EVER, is up first, by Michael. He looks like he's trying too hard to remember the 8,000 words in the first verse. He sounds good on the chorus, but the verses are so rushed that I don't get to hear him sing really... and then he totally runs out of the gas by the end. Joe informs me that there are a lot of notes that Garth Brooks holds for like 5 minutes in the original version, and Michael avoids all of that... so, eh. I think he messed up on song choice. And then he talks back. Not lookin' good, cowboy.

Allison next sings "Blame It On Your Heart." I thought it was really good, as usual for Allison, if not particularly memorable. It was nice to see her lighten up a little! The judges mostly agree. Simon calls her a little precoscious, which I disagree with. We've seen plenty of precoscious teenage girls on this show, and Allison is far from them.

Kris is next with "To Make You Feel My Love," another Garth Brooks song. (Thank God Joe is here with me, to fill me in on these songs, cuz I'm clueless about this country crap.) Randy & Kris tell us he will "make this his own." I actually rather enjoy it. The song suits his voice really well, and I'm sure the 13-16 demographic (and Lindsay) will love it. :)

Let me take this moment to express just how creeped out I am by these Old Navy ads with the mannequins. Seriously, they are SCARY. Please take them off the air, now.

Lil's outfit is better this week, but she's still rocking the 80s prom vibe. She's singing "Independence Day" by Martina McBride... has someone sung this on the show at some point? Jordin maybe? She struggles on the low notes but hits her stride on the chorus. Randy basically says as much, and Lil talks about wanting to try something different, to which I say, IT'S COUNTRY WEEK. You HAVE to do something different. Simon is so completely unamused by tonight. He then calls her Little. This is so much fun to watch.

Annnnnnd now it's time for Adam Lambert. Let me first express my thoughts on Adam in general. I don't believe an iota of him. I don't believe the Hot Topic wardrobe, I don't believe the guyliner commandeered from Cookster and then applied like 6 times more, I don't believe his Twilight-inspired hair and brooding, and I don't believe a note of his spastic performances. He is fake. He is a character. And yes, I am fully aware that everyone on this effing show is a character, but at least the vast majority of them are believable. The people I've cheered for on this show - the Kellys, the Elliotts, the Chrises, the Blakes, and the Cooksters - are people whose stories I genuinely believed and who I could relate to. Adam is a big ball of Viva Las Gaygas fakeness. I know the dude can sing, and he's a hell of a performer, but I would like him 1,000,000% more if he would just drop the act and sing.

Anyways. He's taking on "Ring of Fire." Randy Travis is HILARIOUS when dealing with Adam's ridiculousness. Yeaaah, that's country music for you. :) Anyways, it's some kind of weird sitar-strumming Middle Eastern version of the song that sounds like he's auditioning for the soundtrack of the next Twilight movie. Kara's all like "Wow, Adam does country music." Kara, that was not country music. That was the bastardization of a country song that I actually like. I'm happy the judges mostly agree, and Simon finally calls it self-indulgent, so THANK YOU SIMON for once again being the voice of reason on this show.

P.S., if you're going to mess with a Johnny Cash song, at least do it well.

Scott is singing "Wild Angels," also by Martina McBride. Apparently there are only 3 artists in the Grand Ole Opry. Joe informs me that he slowed the song way down. We both agree that it sounds Disney-fied, which is pretty much Scott's whole gig. It's not that good. The judges basically agree with me.

At this point, my TV station advertises something called "Western Mass. Karaoke Idol," which I think might be better than this show tonight.

Alexis is next, with "Jolene," one of approximately 10 country songs I know and don't hate. Didn't Brooke do this last year? We know it's at least got to be better than that. I think she did well, though the judges don't all agree. Kara tosses out a few Carrie songs for Alexis, which we all know would've been a disaster because then they all would've compared her to Carrie. The judges say something about missing the dirty, which is BS, because they just told Scott to branch out from what he usually does. Make up your minds, judges.

We're told before the commercial break that Danny is taking on some Carrie Underwood. I predict it's "Jesus Take the Wheel" (or, as I call it, "Jesus Drive My Car") and I am... CORRECT. He messes up like 1,000 times in front of Randy Travis, and it's almost as bad as when Castro didn't know Cats was about cats. Of course Gokey is singing this, cuz it's all inspirational and shit. To be absolutely honest, I'm too busy laughing through the whole thing to even tell you if it was any good. I think it was fine, but it's sort of what we've come to expect from Danny. Also, his facial hair is starting to annoy me.

SNOOP ANOOP is up next, and he's singing "You're Always On My Mind." Randy is falling all over himself after the practice, so I have my hopes up. I am not disappointed, because it is awesome to quite awesome. It's the best we've heard him since his audition. I'm really glad we have a contestant who doesn't feel the need to scream an entire song. GO ANOOP. Definitely my favorite of the night.

We're up to Megan, who I honestly forgot about till they announced her. Sidenote: I swear, she looks like a different person every night. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you showed me tonight's Megan next to semifinals Megan I don't think I'd believe they were the same people. She's singing "I Go Walking After Midnight." Well, I thought there would be no possible way she could dance to this one, but I was wrong. She's still doing the awkward butt shaking. It starts off well, but she hits some weird notes near the end. Of course, the judges all ignore that, because for some reason they're all up her ass, and they're also like "oh man, you have the flu, and you're still singing!" like anyone on this show has a choice whether to perform whether they're sick or not.

Matt gets the pimp spot this week. Yay! He's singing "So Small" by Carrie Underwood. Randy, as with most of the contestants tonight, is unsure at first and then comes along as he hears the rehearsal. Matt, in my opinion, kills it. I actually wish he'd kept the band out of it and just sung it by himself at the piano, but even so, it's terrific. Also, thank God for a male contestant who knows how to dress. :)

Top 3 tonight, I would give to Snoop, Matt, & either Kris or Allison... I'm really on the fence between the two. As for the bottom 3 in terms of perforamces, I'm going with Michael, Scott, and Adam, even though I don't think in a million years that Adam will actually end up in the bottom. Lindsay will take you through tomorrow's country fest. See you next week!