Ricky Martin, Olan Mills, Taylor Hicks... yeah, it's Idol.

I must warn you readers. I'm writing this after the Pens game (wooo!) with about 3 glasses of wine in me already. If I'm especially snarky, blame the wine. Or the fact that I'm over this season before it's even begun. Also, I'll be fast-forwarding a lot.

My nemesis Von Smith is up first. He totally reminds me of this girl I went to HS with who screamed instead of sing, and she got the lead in every musical because her mom was the chorus teacher, so I immediately hate him. He's singing "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye, and my dear friend Randi emails me to remind me that he has Ricky Martin hair. He's wearing a suit and a tee-shirt and red Pumas. His non-screaming-singing lasts about 30 seconds. His non-screaming-singing is actually not that good. He misses notes when he's not singing them as loudly as one possibly can. He also looks creepy, and I don't mean David Cook last year when he had creepy hair, but more like serial killer creepy. The judges apparently disagree with me and love him, particularly Kara and her shiny silver shirt that looks like it should be at the Matrix on a Thursday night. Simon then insults Lindsay & me, claiming that Von is like Clay Aiken. Guys, our friendship was born of Clay Aiken, so on behalf of Lindsay, I say, HELL NO.

Taylor Vaifanua is up next, and we have never seen her before tonight except for a few seconds of her in the group with Danny & Jamar, who is at home going, why the F am I at home & Norman f'ing Gentle was on last week? She sings "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys, wearing some hemp bracelets and pleather tights. It's not terrible, but it's also not Alicia, which means it really is terrible. Kara barely starts talking and Taylor is crying already, which means she will be like Brooke, and she should just go home now and spare us all/her the pain.

Alex Wagner-Trugman, aka Elliot 2.0, is next. I think he reminds me of a white Dev Patel, and is therefore absolutely adorable. In his interview, he talks about how he started going to the gym to look more like Simon, and he is hilariously dorky. He's taking on "Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" by Sir Elton, and he is busting out awkward white boy dancing right away. It's not all that good, which makes me sad, because I want to root for him. He tried to do some kind of microphone stand throwing move, and totally Fs it up, and it's all a lot of Taylor Hicks type grunting and twitching terribleness all around. And OMG HIS DAD IS TAYLOR HICKS.

Arianna Afsar is singing apparently the first Abba song ever on Idol. I am surprised by that. I would've thought Carmen would've destroyed "Dancing Queen" at some point. Instead, Arianna is attempting "The Winner Takes It All." She's like a bad HS student trying out for "Mamma Mia." Awful all around. Then Simon bitches about being in a time machine, even though last week when everyone picked current songs he bitched about everyone picking terrible songs.

Ju'not Joyner, from Bowie MD, with the cutest little boy EVER, is up next. He's singing "Hey There Delilah," which I think he sang during Hollywood week, or if not, correct me. WHY does he have handcuffs hanging from his beltloop?? In my opinion, he slows down the song a little too much, and it's more boring to me than pretty. Technically, however, he sounds good. I'm feeling kind of blah at the end though, and not particularly motivated to pick up my phone.

Kristen McNamara is next, and apparently somehow her hair dresser screwed up and gave her purple hair before her audition. Umm, Kristen... how does that accidentally happen? I don't understand. Anyways, we remember Kristen from the uber-dramatic group that didn't include Tatiana during Hollywood week. She's singing "Give Me One Reason" by Tracey Chapman. I like Kristen and her funky vibe. She is easily my favorite of the night, so far.

YESSSSSSSSS Nathaniel Marshall is finally here, and I want him to be my BFF right now. I love his drama queenness and the awesome look he gave Tatiana when she got through to the top 36 and that he is not ashamed or afraid to be himself. He is taking on the mammoth that is "I Would Do Anything for Love," so, yikes. I wish he'd done something like "Disturbia," like he did during Hollywood week, because I think he is completely lost in this song. He does have some fabulous moves though.

Felicia Barton, aka the girl who replaced the girl who got kicked out, is up now. She's singing ANOTHER Alicia Keys song, this time "No One." She does a better Alicia than Taylor but it's still not that good... she's cracking on some of the high notes, and she's wearing a terrible outfit to boot, but she does finish strong, and she has an adorable little boy. It's good... not enough to inspire me to vote, but I suppose top 2 in terms of girls tonight.

Scott MacIntyre is up next. I wonder in advance how they'll do the chessy show-choir-esque group sings tomorrow with Scott, because he reminds us he's blind. But, I digress. He's singing "Mandolin Rain," which I didn't realize I knew until he got to the chorus. Eh.......... it's aiiiiiight, I suppose. I've never been a huge fan of Scott. Everytime anyone says his name we hear Frau Farbissina screaming "SCAAAHHHHTTTTTTTT!"in "Austin Powers." As predicted, the judges all fall all over him.

Next is Kendall Beard, who is Southern and blond and sounds obnoxious. Predictably, she sings a Martina McBride song, "This One's For the Girls." OMG, she has a crazy dad. I love her dress, sans the garden growing on her belt. It's a pretty terrible rendition. I'm over her. We got so bored that we looked up past contestants to see if everyone on this show who's from Texas has automatically sung a country song. I said Kelly Clarkson was from Texas and never did, and I was right. Go me. I know way too much about this show.

Jorge Nunez is up next, and he is shown in Hollywood Week rocking an awesome Chuck Bass scarf. He is Puerto Rican, and he likes to dance. He attempts Sir Elton song #2 of the night, "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me." Idol loves this song. Didn't Archuleta sing it in last year's final? Clay definitely sang it. Anyways... OOOOH we get a split screen shot! It's like an Olan Mills photograph that moves!!! I think he has a really nice voice, actually. They talk a little about his accent, and how he went to a dilalect coach, and I don't really listen because I am as over these judges as they are over themselves.

And, finally, here is Lil' Rounds. The last contestant of the semi-finals round. She is singing Mary J. Blige, so YESSSSS. She is so clearly above this competition, and every other contestant tonight, because she sounds like Mary J. and has stage presence, and pretty much could sign a contract tomorrow. In terms of Mary J. songs, I actually would've loved to hear her sing some "Family Affair" to get it perculating, but I'll take that one because it was a hot one. Dawg. Simon tells us that she sounds too much like the original. Umm... if someone told me I sounded like Mary J. Blige, I'd take that. So, thanks Simon.

My predictions? Lil' from the gals, obvi. Boys are a lil' tougher - could be Ju'not, Jorge, Scott, or even Von... I could see Kristen or Felicia in the 3rd spot, but who knows tonight. Lindsay will take you through the rest of the week... we're almost there, folks! Good night!