Well, here we are. After months of performances both "in the zone, dawg" and "a little pitchy," "shocking" departures, and countless crazy Paula moments, we have arrived at the season 7 finale. There's an elaborate opening likening the Davids to heavyweight boxers, complete with robes and gloves and … God, this is going on for far too long. Can we get this started already?
Whoa, Luke Perry! Luke! Why aren't you on the 90210 spinoff?
Ok, so we have the Davids, Seacrest, the judges (is it me, or is Randy wearing a candy bracelet?), and another overly long segment on just how much this whole contest means. Cuz really, we don't know. Not like we've been watching this damn show for seven years or anything. There's the usual "THIS IS WHERE YOU COULD GO!!!" montage, and I swear they show Chris Daughtry. Um… does anyone remember that Chris didn't actually win? Apparently the producers are trying to forget about Taylor Hicks as much as we are. Either that, or they're subliminally trying to calm down the Cookster's fans by reminding us that all will still be ok when he doesn't win.
Seriously, enough with the boxing theme. We are told "Round One" is Clive Davis's choice. I wasn't aware Clive Davis was still alive. I'm not totally convinced this isn't a wax figure talking to us. Clive tells us the Cookster will be singing a song that represents "the yearning of a generation," aka "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Not the U2 song I would've chosen – that would've been "With or Without You," because, you know, I think about these things – but he does pretty well anyways. My hubby and I agree that Cookster would've been better off starting the show with "Paradise City." Oh well, a girl can dream.
C-Davis chooses "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me" for Archuleta. (Is the theme of this round "Longest Song Titles Ever," or what?) Clearly they are trying to mold Archuleta into the next Clay Aiken. It sounds exactly the same as every song Archuleta has ever or will ever sing, but the judges are seriously pimping him. Wow, way to be subtle, Uncle Nigel.
Next the Davids get to pick songs from the crappy song contest. Yippee. Cook sings a terrible song called "Dream Big." It's actually better than most of the crap we see on the finale show, but it still blows. He does what he can with it, not much else to say. We get a priceless quote from Paula – something about "a song in your heart and a guitar in your hand" – and we're on to the next awful song.
Archuleta picks an even more terrible song called "In This Moment." I suppose he sounds good, but he's got these sappy unicorn puppy ballads down by now. More pimping by the judges. Wow. This is out of control tonight. Archuleta seriously looks like he's going to pass out.
Constantine alert! Excuse me while I go shower.
To kick off "Round Three," Cook sings "The World I Know" by Collective Soul. Anyone under the age of 20 (that is, anyone who votes) collectively goes "huh?" And hey, he's wearing a vest and a tie and looking quite dapper. Wow, I know Lindsay mentioned it last week, but hats off to the Idol stylists. Best makeover in years. Anyways, he starts off acoustic, and I wish he'd stayed that way. He actually sounds very good, but as your last Idol performance, it leaves a lot to be desired. Another great Paula quote – "standing in your truth." The script writers are working overtime tonight!!! Simon suggests he should've done "Billie Jean" or another song he'd already done, and Cookster respectfully disagrees. Good for you, Cookster. Despite what the judges seem to believe, we do not have a short term memory, and I think he does well by not repeating one of his earlier songs.
Archuleta apparently doesn't get that memo, and he repeats "Imagine." It sounds good, but as usual he puts me half to sleep, while somewhere in Europe, Lindsay is crying at this moment and doesn't know why. Eh. And with that, the competition is over.
So who will get to sing "A Moment Like This Now Inside Your Heaven" tomorrow night? Well, let's put it this way. Who should win? Cook, hands down. He was consistently the best performer on the show, he took risks, he's contemporary (to use one of Simon's favorite words), he can legally buy a beer, he remembers his lyrics, he's grown throughout the competition, he's going to release a blockbuster album a few months from now, and the look on Daddy Archuleta's face would be priceless. Who will win? Archuleta, for several reasons. A) Who actually votes week after week? Teenage girls. Who makes up Archuleta's fan base? Teenage girls. B) Like Blake before him, Cook just isn't cut out for the sappy victory ballad, and usually whoever pulls off that POS takes home the prize. C) Because I like Cook and want him to win. My favorite never wins.
I'll be back later in the week sometime to recap tomorrow's finale extravaganza. It's entirely too much to do in one night. Till then, cheers!
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