How did we get here?

Four months ago, Bren and I were all hyped up for the return of this show. And now, one day away from finding out the final two and one week away from the finale, it's become a one-way ticket to Blahsville. Three songs each tonight--let's rock and roll.

Tonight is the judges' choices/producers' choice/contestant's choice night. Once, I would like Paula to pick "Cold Hearted Snake" for someone. We're treated to video footage of little David with the mayor of his town, who hilariously has a gray handlebar mustache. By the way, if you didn't already think that his dad, Jeff, was a jerk, maybe this will help.

Anyway, Handlebar Mustache reads a letter from Paula, who has chosen "And So It Goes" by Billy Joel for David to sing. I said this last week about David and I'll say it again--what is left to say about him? I'm not going to say the kid's not talented, because he is, but everything sounds the same, is predictable and I would not be interested in his record. He does a nice job with the song, but that's about it--it's nice.

Syesha's in a limo, and gets a "text" from "Randy" saying that he's chosen "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys. Now, here's my problem with this. All season, Syesha's been taking on these big diva numbers, only to be told she coudln't quite measure up to the original. So what does the Dawg do? Gives her a big diva number by an artist he obviously loves and respects. Nice, Randy. She looks amazing tonight, though, in yet another gold dress. She does a pretty good job with the song, too. Somewhere along the way, I found myself sort of rooting for her, even though I wouldn't buy her album either.

The Cookster's in the pimp spot tonight, and his hometown visit shows him on the set of his local news, which I find hilarious. He also gets a "text", this time from "Simon", and he's going to be singing "The First Time I Saw Your Face" by Roberta Flack. Here's something interesting--when I Googled the song title to make sure I got it right, the fourth search item that appeared is a link to You Tube where Leona Lewis is singing this song. Leona Lewis, Simon's protege. Coincidence? Anyway, he says he gave the Cookster this song to challenge him. David's up there with no guitar, just the mike and his voice, and he knocks it out of the park. Aww, how cute is his dad! Simon says round one goes to Cook and Cowell, and I have to agree.

Round two is the contestant's choice round. You have to be shitting me with this--little David picked Chris Brown's "With You"?!? Man, it would have been awesome to hear him do "Kiss Kiss", though. Can anyone out there imagine David Archuleta singing "I need you boo"--and there it is. HAHAHA. This is so hilariously bad. What the hell was he thinking? It sounds like if Clay Aiken tried to do an R&B song. I bet his train of thought went Chris Brown --> Jordin Sparks-->David Archuleta. This is so unauthentic and awkward. I can't tell if the judges agree with me or not because my cable is f'ed up, so let's move on from that to Syesha....

...who's chosen "Fever." Seriously? You get the chance to choose ONE song that defines who you want to be as an artist and you pick the most overdone, old-fashioned song out there? I mean, if she was trying to break the barriers that the judges set for her during Broadway week, this was not the way to go. She sounds decent, but it's all very showy and cabaret and blah. Paula gives a coherent piece of advice for once, saying it didn't show who Syesha is, and Simon tells her he thinks she'll regret it because it was old-fashioned and cabaret. To which I said, word times 12.

The Cookster has chosen "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot for this round. I don't know about this, I like the Cookster best when he changes up arrangements and surprises you, and I don't think there's much he can do with this. I have a feeling it's going to sound a lot like the original...and it does. David is still awesome and I love him, but this was just blah. Um, the best thing about this performance came at the end. Please tell me you all saw those ladies holding that sign that read "Cougars 4 Cook"--HAHAHAHAHA. Those ladies rock my world. David gets the "expected/predictable" treatment and we're zipping into round three.

Producers' choice--Archuleta is up first with "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. LOVE this song, and I loved Dan Fogelberg. RIP, Dan. I won't fast forward through this one because I think this is one of the most beautiful songs written and even though Archuleta is a tool, I know he will sing it well. It's classic David, and it's beautifully done. The producers made a good call with this one. Good job, creepy Uncle Nigel! My cable is skipping all over the place, but I hear Randy trot out his "you could sing the phone book" analogy and Simon says David either did or did not do enough to get to the finals tonight. Stupid Comcast.

OMG, Guarini!!! Yessssss! OK, my cable craps out again and I miss the name and artist of the song Syesha is singing. It seems pretty upbeat though, and I'm glad the producers picked something to get her out of the ballad zone. She looks fly in some skinny jeans and a tank. She looks like she's having fun and she sounds pretty great. Randy tells her it was "just okay" and then we get into some digression about how the song was from the movie "Happy Feet" and Syesha does some sort of penguin walk and I'm officially lost. Simon tells her it was forgettable and she did better with the Sam Cooke last week.

Up in the final slot is the Cookster, doing "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. He's surrounded by the orchestra, again just him and the mike. I think this is a lot better than the last round and he's doing the best he could do with the song choice he was assigned. Hey, Diane Warren is actually IN the audience! I wonder what she thought of his version. My cable is effed again and I have no idea what Randy or Paula thought, but Simon apparently liked it, based on the cheers and the look on David's face.

So there you have it, folks: our top three. I know Bren and I would love to see little David get knocked out Melinda Doolittle-style in third place, but we have a feeling we're going to see the David-David finale they've been shoving in our faces all season. Great effort Syesha, but unfortunately, your name is not David, so you will probably be going home tonight. Catch up with us for the results tonight!