The Unsinkable Kris Allen

If you would have told me in January, after round one of the city auditions, that the final two would be Adam Lambert and Kris Allen, I would have said "Who?" Because at that point, I was totally poised for a Danny Gokey/Jamar Rogers (was that his last name?) final two. Yet here we are, about to crown our winner after one of the most underwhelming final performance eps in the show's history.

Also, I'm live blogging, so if this entry is more random than usual, well, there you go.

100 million votes last night, Jesus. Randy has a terrible giant red velvet bowtie on that is reminiscent of Miss J on ANTM and is also wearing red Danny Gokey glasses. Oh okay, we're showing clips of weird things all the judges did during the season. Hey, Carrie Underwood! She's so pretty. Six minutes in, we finally introduce the actual finalists.

Awww man, Mikalah Gordon's doing the live remote again?? God, she sucks. I feel sorry for Conway, Arkansas. Oh Carly's in San Diego with Adam's peeps, that's new. Hi Carly!

Okay, the Top 13 comes out doing "So What"...Allison better have a solo. LMAO this is so funny. They totally had the camera on Matt G....OMG BLIND SCOTT. Wow, I forgot about him but quick. Jesus looks mortified. This just in... Jasmine still sucks. This group number makes me glad I didn't get tickets for the tour this summer.

Back from the break...and it's Cookster! Oooh, doing "Permanent", this is a bitchin' song off his album. CALL ME, DAVID. It looks like he's got shades of the creepy perv bangs coming back, he needs to take care of that mess. Aww, that was so sad about his brother. Hey, there's Michael Johns, behind Guarini, Jesus. What is Guarini even doing?

Oh for crap sake, the Golden Idols. I cannot watch this. Sorry guys, but I refuse to recap this part. I'm going to finish some packing...be back.

Ok COME ON. NO MORE NORMAN. At least this is his last 15 minutes, right? I mean, this is absolutely it. If he shows up on SYTYCD, I give up.

WOW, Lil gets to perform with Queen Latifah. I effing LOVE Queen Latifah. This is probably the highlight of Lil's career right here. I like her new weave. OMG Queen totally is working a spandex jumpsuit. I love her plus sized ass. This is pretty dope. Good for Lil.

Back from the break and right into Anoop singing Jason Mraz. Oh hey, there's Alexis. Is this another group number? Oh, never mind, Jason Mraz is actually here LOL. Cool! So the whole group does "I'm Yours" with the Mrazamataz. Work it, kids. Fun stuff. Now it's time for Kris' video "journey." He's so cute.

Ooh and he gets to duet with Keith Urban. This will probably be cool. They sound good together. Keith Urban looks like someone else famous and I can't figure out who it is. Think Nicole Kidman is here? LOL. Remember last year when Cookster sang with ZZ Top? That was so weird.

The girls are all singing "Glamorous"...current! Sarcasm abounds. Oh God, Megan Joy....SO AWFUL. Allison better get to duet with someone awesome. Hey, here's Fergie! Wow, she looks rough. She needs to run a brush through that hair, man.

Oooh, the rest of the Peas are here. BOOMBOOMPOW!!! I love this song. Funny story about my dad--he was mad that will.i.am thought to call himself that before he did. I don't even know which Pea will.i.am is. Or what any of their names are except Fergie. LOL the girl contestants are totally breaking it down behind the judges. Awesome.

More Golden Idols...I wish I could FFWD this so bad. This just in...Bikini Girl got implants since the auditions were taped. That is all I'll say about this segment. Also, I can't believe we still have over an hour to go. At least we haven't seen anything about IGFB yet.

OOH Allison and Cyndi Lauper are doing "Time After Time"...this is gonna be FLYYYYY. Cyndi Lauper still looks pretty decent for her age. Rock on, ladies. You rule. This was great, one of the best duets of the night.

OMG Kris's mom. BAD dress. I'm sure you're very lovely, and your son is great, but...hire a stylist. Kris's dad is too cute. And now over to Adam's parents. His mom's dress is better, but she has these weird half gloves/armwarmer things on that are just weird. His dad seems nice too.

Aww eff, Gokey's back. Lionel Richie has to be here, right? Why else would he be singing "Hello"? Yep, here he comes. This is actually an appropriate pairing. Well done, show. But I'm so sleepy of Gokey. And this medley goes on forever. Hey, Ruben Studdard! Are you still sorry for 2004? LMAO.

Now we get Adam's video journey. LMAO the Randy Travis week was hilarious. OK who does he get to duet with? And what the bloody hell is he wearing???? I cannot even describe this, you guys. It's like this insane black leather ensemble with this...I don't even know. I need to find an image tomorrow and link it here. OMG and he has like, fake gems stuck on under his eyes.

He gets to perform with KISS??? He's totally winning this show, based on this pairing. They wouldn't pull out the stops like this unless he was the winner. This is the craziest thing I have ever seen on Idol, and that includes when Sanjaya was a contestant.

Guys, I wish you could see my husband right now. He is jiggity JAMMIN to this performance. And is now doing his own version of the Adam screech. Dear God.

OK, so now we have Santana. Cool. Who's gonna sing with him....hey, Matt! This is pretty great. Oh wait, it's actually everyone. Boo. I thought it was just gonna be Matty G. They've had a shit load of costume changes tonight. AHHH Scott again! At least they are trying to keep his dancing to a minimum. OMG Janice Dickinson is so high, guys.

FORD! video. Kris and Adam sound pretty good together. Now the fake "surprise" where they get their FORD! cars. Hey, at least David Cook's back for that.

Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and...Steve Martin? OMG and he's playing a banjo? Is this for real?? LMAOOOOO. I love Megan's dress. Michael's still cute. Steve Martin looks utterly bizarre and out of place here. Hilarious.

Back from yet another break with another group number. All the guys in suits singing that song about being sexy by Rod Stewart. This is too much. AHH, Rod Stewart is here hahahah! Wow, he looks rough. Isn't he like 80 by now? No? Anyway, Maggie May has never sounded this weak. Oy. Adam's mom is jammin' in the audience. Hey, Bo Bice! Wow, they have a lot of alumni at this finale.

20 minutes to go! Oh crap, more Golden Idols? Seriously, if they cut this shit and added like one more group number, the show would end ON TIME. How do they not get that? It's simple math, people. Oh my God, Tatiana is here tonight, isn't she? ISN'T SHE? NO MORE.

You guys, and here's the scariest thing: I honestly have no idea if that was scripted or not. There's a real good chance that it wasn't, but seriously, who the F can tell when it's her?

A Kris and Adam duet! To "We are the Champions!" And Queen is with them! This is rad. What up sports movie anthem? Kris probably would rather duet with Adam than that mess he did with Gokey. OK it's 9:55, come on already!! Oh for shit's sake, another commercial???? SIIIIGH.

Finally, at exactly 10 pm, we get results. Simon says some nice things, which you know the guys don't even hear right now, because they're about to barf.

And the new American Idol is....KRIS ALLEN. OMFG OMFG OMFG. NO WAY. Wow, talk about someone who totally clawed his way from the bottom up....we had never even seen him until the top 36 and HE WON. The judges have got to be shitting themselves, because neither of the two that they pimped until the end won the big prize. WAY TO GO KRIS!!! I will totes buy your album!

Now he has to sing the shitty Kara song, boo. I gotta say, I never thought this would happen. I was totally ready all day for Adam to take it. And I was totally off about the KISS performance being an indicator of Adam winning, whoops. LOL.

Well, even though I loved Allison the most of all, I'm proud of Kris for taking the prize. He worked his cute little behind off and totally deserves the win.

So that's Season 8, peeps. Will we be back for SYTYCD? You'll have to wait and see!