My spirit really is broken.

Hi folks, Brenna here. Lindsay was traveling, so she’s taking results night off my hands, and I’m here to guide you through Neil Diamond night.

First, let me go on a tirade about the themes this year. Why have they been so limiting? In the past, we've had a celebrity mentor and a broad theme (a la country, or love songs, or movie soundtracks) or at least have had a more versatile artist catalogues to work from (a la Bon Jovi, which gave us 5 out of 6 stellar performances, or Elton John from season 3, which gave us a homerun from J-Hud). And why have the contestants been given exactly one week (Mariah week) to sing anything written later than 1989? I'm not knocking Mr. Neil Diamond at all. He is a very talented musician and songwriter. I’m just saying that at this point in time, when you have the top five contestants on what we’ve been repeatedly told is the best, most talented season of Idol ever, you expect them to have some good source material to work with. Oh well. On to the show.

Jason forgets his lyrics in front of the man who wrote them. Geez, is this guy trying to piss off every mentor this year?! He then sings “Forever in Blue Jeans,” which I think suits him rather well. I’m not blown away, but it’s ok. I’m bored in general by him lately. Apparently there’s no judging for this round of songs, and they’ll be singing again. This whole hour is really chaotic. I’m stressed.

OMG Bret Michaels and his bandana will be on “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” this week!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS.

The Cookster sings a song called “I’m Alive.” I’ve never heard it before. It was ok. This week is going to suck, I can feel it.

Also, dear Cookster: please shave. You had like two weeks where you looked good and you're drifting back into Amber Alert territory. We really, really like you now. “Always Be My Baby” has been in constant rotation on my iPod. We don’t want you to be skeevy. That’s a road best left to this guy.

Anyways. Brooke, dear Brooke, who I feel is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, is singing “I’m a Believer.” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was a Neil Diamond song? Oh nooooo, this is cheesy. Is she wearing shiny bell bottoms? It was really, really bad. Someone needs to tell her that up-tempo songs just don’t suit her. I’m sure Simon will later.

I miss Michael Johns.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever are now presented by David Archuleta. He’s singing “Sweet Caroline” first, and he sounds… I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I can’t take this seriously. It’s SWEET M-F’ING CAROLINE. This song belongs either in a bar or at a sporting event. Preferably alcohol are involved in both. I can’t handle this tonight.

Syesha sings “Hello Again.” I don’t know any of these songs. The mosh pit needs to stop waving their hands. She’s good, I suppose. I think she oversang it a bit.

At this point we have a weird, impromptu speed judging sequence in which Randy is forced to actually be concise, Paula is clearly off her meds and thinks Jason sang twice, leading to the most awkward moment in Idol history when she tries to cover it, and Simon basically tells them they all sucked. Thank God for Simon. He’s not taking any crap tonight. And oh, goody, we get to do this all over again.

Jason sings “September Morn” and it sounds exactly like every other song he’s ever done on this show. His vocals are a little shaky throughout and he gives some BS excuse for it. DUDE. At this stage of the game, there are no excuses. You either nail it or go home (or, in some cases, nail it and still go home). This show is on my last nerve tonight.

I miss Carly.

The Cookster sings “All I Really Need is You,” and I actually like it. It’s still not the greatest performance I’ve ever seen, not anywhere close, but at this point the Cookster is so far above any of the other contestants that I’ve pretty much stopped caring about grading him against his own personal curve and am just happy he's not sucking as bad as everyone else tonight.

Brooke sings “I Am I Said.” Halfway through, I go, “ohhhh, this song!” Neil had suggested she change New York to Arizona to make it more her own. I say that’s stupid. A) Changing it to Arizona makes the song make no sense, since Arizona is not on a different coast than California, it’s not on any coast at all, and half the lyrics sound stupid now. B) Duh, obviously these kids aren’t singing songs true to themselves. You really think Kevin Covais was your part-time lover? Or that Jordin knew half the crap she sang about, since she’s only a teenager and has no life experience?! Come on. The performance itself is actually quite nice. It’s the best (and most put together) we’ve seen Brooke in weeks. I have a bad feeling it’s too little, too late, but stranger things have happened on this stupid show.

The Most Predictable Song Choices Ever presented by David Archuleta continues with “America.” It is Cheese with a capital C. More bland ass freedom, flag-waving Cheese. At least he’ll get the KLC vote. I think he flubs a lyric again, and his voice totally cracks, and the judges say nothing about it. Of course not. We’re getting a David/David finale whether we like it or not.

INDIANA JONES COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was easily the highlight of this hour.

Syesha closes the show with “Thank the Lord for the Nighttime.” Eh. I think she should have switched the order of her songs, the first one was better. I do like her singing sassy, up-tempo songs though, and being told she is good at Broadway stuff is not an insult.

I’m not even going to bother figuring out a bottom three. I’m pretty much over tonight. I’m over this whole season. Let’s not even declare a winner, just fast-forward to November when the Cookster’s CD comes out, and we can forget this whole debacle of a season ever happened. Kind of like we forget about Taylor Hicks.