You guys, this ep was off the HEEZY fa SHEEZY. So many times in my notes, I just wrote WTF? because it was all I could muster up at the time. In the first ninety seconds of the show, we see Ryan practically get molested by some woman in the audience, Price is Right style, we see Paula's boobs again shoved up to her chin, and we see Ryan deliver a forehead kiss to Simon that I don't even wanna discuss any more. Keep it at home, gentlemen!
So 38 million gazillion google squillion people voted last night, but before we get to the results, the kids get to jack up one more of poor ALW's songs. The man himself is at the piano to accompany the group on "All I Ask of You", and he could not look more over it. The three guys actually sound halfway decent together, but the girls sound all sorts of effed up. I mean, really, you have three totally different vocal tones trying to mesh here, and it's not good. Also, WHY the hayell are the people in the "mosh pit" raising their arms and swaying? It's BROADWAY, not Bon Jovi! Christ.
After the group number, Ryan announces that the Idol tour will kick off its 49-city jaunt in Glendale, Arizona on July 1. All I have to say is--Idols in DC on 8/14, what whaaaat? We jump into a recap of last night--Syesha was kind of fierce, Little David sounded like Michael Bolton, Jason was a totally stoned, utter mess, Brooke was maybe the biggest trainwreck this show has ever seen, Carly rocked the hell out of Jesus Christ Superstar and the Cookster (tm Brenna) saved this whole damn thing again and maybe made ALW feel like he didn't want to kill himself after all.
Ryan brings out ALW for a chat, which is kind of nice. Really, it's probably because none of the other mentors could string a cohesive sentence together. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love Dolly and Mariah, but MENSA members they ain't. His eyebrows are a force to be reckoned with. Ryan brings up Brooke's disaster for the ninth time this ep, which clearly means she's safe, and ALW sticks up for her. Sorry, Brooke fans, but at this stage of the game--top SIX--it's not the time for shit like this. Anyway, bye ALW! Sorry your song book was clearly never meant to grace the Idol stage!
After commercials, we have the FORD! commercial of the night. I actually kind of enjoy this one to "Tainted Love"--the Cookster looks hot with those red streaks. OMG, you can get Idol winner stamps!! YESSSSS. Bren, even though we're about to live less than two miles from each other, I am totally sending you a letter with a RUUUUUUUUUUUUBEN stamp on it. I hope his pic is him with one of those GIANT 205 jerseys he used to wear.
Elimination time--Ryan brings out the Davids. After jibba jabbing at them for way too long, we find out that--clearly--both guys are safe. Foreshadowing of our final two, some may say. Oh Jesus, Neil Diamond is the mentor next week. If the Cookster doesn't sing "Sweet Caroline", I quit. Have you guys ever seen the SNL sketches where Will Ferrell does Neil Diamond. Love it.
And what's this? Instead of our weekly "viewer call in" segment, we get an Idol where are they now? video journey? OMG, Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken on Broadway. Holy shit guys, Randy was 'UUUUUUUUUUUGE (tm Donald Trump) in season two. Bren and I were JUST discussing Clay today and how we missed the transformation when he apparently became a woman.
Commercials, and tonight performing we have Leona Lewis, aka keep keep bleeding, aka Simon Cowell's protege. 10 bucks says Simon's banging her. I have to say--I am totally 100% sick of this song, but she really does have a beautiful voice. And her cheekbones are SICK. Whoa, big flames on the power notes. Nice touch there, Fox.
OK, Syesha and Brooke are up next. Brooke looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown. I seriously think she cannot handle this show. They should just boot her for her mental health. All this buildup about how Syesha was soooo personable and Brooke effed up sooooo bad is clearly a ploy so we're SHOCKED and clutching our pearls when Ryan announces Brooke is safe.....and there we go. I swear, if she effs up her lyrics when I'm paying to see her on the Idol tour, I will throw a can at her.
This leaves Carly and Jason the last two battling it out for a spot on the couch. Wow, it's 9:48--and NO VIEWER QUESTIONS! YAY! Maybe they are doing away with that. Ryan asks Carly if she had more than one song picked to sing and...didn't we already see the answer to that? On her video package last night? When ALW TOLD US he told Carly to change her song. Jeez, Seacrest. Jason is totally stoned again...and also safe. Oh man, I have a bad feeling about this. For realsies guys, Jason and Brooke were totally the worst last night.
OK, Carly's singing, fast forward fast forward, Syesha's singing--wtf, Carly and Ryan? They talked through her whole damn song. After 38 kachillion votes...it's Carly who's out. Man. I have to admit, once I knew the Cookster was safe, I said I didn't really care about the rest of the five but now that Carly's out, I'm bummed. She was awesome last night. She and Syesha hug for about five years and RUUUUUBEN's here to sing her out. Her video package is kind of depressing, yikes. Well, I think America got it wrong, but then, I didn't vote, so who am I to judge--LOL. Anyway, bye Carly! I hope you figure out how to dress yourself better once you leave. We'll be back next week--I'll be recapping Neil Diamond night, dear God, and Bren will hand you your results. Cheers!
2 comments:
Jason clearly was impaired from ingesting some brownies laced with an "unknown" substance...LOL. He couldn't even keep awake. Did you seen his giant YAAAAAWN? And shut up Brooke...you talk too much. All I need to hear is that David Cook is SAFE.
I'm apparently the kiss of death. I voted for the Colonel last week and Carly this week (the first times I've voted all season, or indeed, since Carrie vs. Bo). I quit.
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