So You Think You Can Give Back

Well, it’s Sunday and I’ve finally gotten around to watching the marathon that was “Idol Gives Back,” and I’m here to give you my take on the evening’s events. All in all, not quite as bad as I’d expected, although it was pretty bad. The clout and industry power Idol has was on display all night, with A list celebrities all over the Kodak Theater and in pre-taped segments. But more on that later.

We begin with the Idols singing Rihanna’s “Don’t Stop the Music.” Forgive me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t this inspirational week? How is a song about grinding up with a stranger in a club inspirational? Who decided this was appropriate to kick off a charity fundraiser? Ooooh, now I get it. There are some dancers from “So You Think You Can Dance” flying all over the stage. Well-played, Nigel, using a fundraiser to pimp your other show. Anyways, there’s a lot of people on the stage and I really can’t keep anything straight, and it all ends with Seacrest dancing. Someone please pull him off the stage.

Kylie Minogue!!! Love her. Why isn’t she popular here? I never get that.

Maria Shriver appears on stage with some volunteers and urges us to give back. I’m still too distracted by the band playing “Maria” from “The Sound of Music” when she walked on the stage. Is this the Oscars?

More celebrity pleas: Ben Stiller, who is annoying as always, and Jennifer Connelly in a segment about drinking water.

Back to the Kodak: Snoop!! Snoop a loop!!! In a Pirates hat. With a kids football team. I think he’s their coach? Guys, how awesome would it be to have Snoop as your football coach? Anyways, Snoop is awesome.

More celebs: Kobe Bryant, some dude from the WWE.

Randy & Paula introduce a segment where they tour neighborhoods with a little boy that absolutely breaks my heart. Paul keeps the craziness mostly at bay, and my heart melts when the boy says he wishes he had more fields to play in.

But wait, after showing us the very real problems of these kids, we then cut to a ridiculous segment in which Carrie Underwood & James Denton are looking at a sink. Literally, they’re on the floor looking at it. I don’t believe for a second you have plumbing problems, Ms. Underwood. I saw James Denton at a benefit last year and he is a good looking guy. They’re interrupted by one of the few women who can come close to Paula-level-batshit-craziness, Ms. Terri Hatcher. This leads to Terri “stealing Carrie’s song” and then singing “Before He Cheats” with James on guitar. Guys, it’s awful. But really, probably not the worst performance we’ve ever seen on Idol.

More SYTYCD pimping. Nigel & Mary ask for money. I fast-forward because I can’t listen to the sound of her voice. Tonight is starting to suck the life from me.

Billy Crystal & Miley Cyrus do a mildly entertaining bit before Miley sings a song that is not “See You Again.” Booooo.

The top 12 are answering phones. Hey, David Hernandez! Bono goes to Africa. Julianne Moore asks for money.

Fergie & John Legend perform. I fast-forward, because I hate Fergie. I stop when I see Heart. Heart!!! Guys, they’re so cool. They’re singing “Barracuda.” I love th—oh, damn. Fergie comes back. And she sucks the life out of this otherwise awesome song.

More celebs: another dude from the WWE, Adam Sandler and his dog. Peyton and Eli Manning! They go to New Orleans. Personally, I think Peyton needs to step it up a bit. His PSA for United Way was much better.

The Beckhams look Beckhamesque and ask us for money. Bono goes to Africa again and talks to a little boy who wants to become a judge. Annie Lennox joins him there, taking a family of orphaned boys to be tested for HIV. She then performs at the Kodak Theater, and I’m mesmerized. Guys, this is what Idol Gives Back should be. Not SYTYCD pimping. Not Terri Hatcher’s craziness. Not Fergie. This. Moving performances, moving videos, and genuine interest and care for the issues at hand. Idol has this amazing opportunity to genuinely change the world, and they invite Miley Cyrus. But here, with Annie’s segment and performance, for a few minutes, they totally get it right.

And then the spell is broken, and we’re back to the crazy. Keifer Sutherland asks us to give, and Celine Dion goes to Africa. And then Jimmy Kimmel appears, and this is the most entertaining segment of the show so far. He introduces Simon’s visit to the Children’s Health Fund in New York.

At this point, my patience is waning. Carrie Underwood performs. Whoopi & Ellen ask us for money. Gloria Estefan performs with Sheila E. Sarah Silverman! Love her. Forrest & Keisha Whitaker tell us about malaria. Prime Minister Gordon Brown tells us the UK is donating money for mosquito nets. Was our own president not available for this? Keith Urban. Reese Witherspoon for the Children’s Defense Fund. The Idols sing “Seasons of Love.” (I can’t remember, but did they kick Amanda, David, Ramiele, & Chikezie back to the curb for this one? Like, come answer phones but you can’t sing?)

Dane Cook is being Dane Cook. Alicia Keys goes to Africa. The High School Musical girls ask for money. Where is Zac Efron? More Miley Cyrus – so let me get this right. Annie Lennox performs once, and Miley freaking Cyrus goes twice? Miley and Billy Ray go to Kentucky. Robin Williams does a stupid bit where he is the Russian Idol. I hope he didn’t start the Cold War back up again.

Rob Schneider, because anywhere Adam Sandler goes, he goes too. Tyra. David Spade. Brad Pitt goes to New Orleans and nearly starts a riot in the Kodak. Daughtry goes to Africa, and my DVR cuts off. Really, Fox? You had two and a half hours and couldn’t end on time???

So my thoughts on IGFB: only a few moments got it right. The pretaped segments brought attention to worthy causes, and were often moving, but then the debacle in the Kodak negated all that. If it all raises money though, then I suppose it’s worth it.

I’ll be back with the results show recap later today!