Let's just call it the Lady Gaga Variety Hour, shall we?

I'm seriously on overload on Wednesday nights now. This whole American Idol vs. Lost business has got to stop, because when my mind has just been blown by Lost, I don't give a shit who gets voted off. But I'm here for you, our faithful readers, so here we go!

Exactly why is Castro hanging out with Alexis? Are they getting high together?

Blah, blah, blah, judges banter. Scariest FORD! commercial ever where the contestants bodies and faces are all mixed together and Kris attempts to rap and Matt continues his goal of morphing into Justin Timberlake 2.0. Oh Jesus, the top 9 is singing Don't Stop Believin'. God I wish Allison was singing this by herself. She would so rock it. Why do they bother with these group sings anymore? It's American Idol, not American Show Choir.

We get a video about how busy the Idols are, including Kris giving us his "sexy face" (it's a little Blue Steel) and Matt doing an impression of Danny, which leads to Gokey doing Matt, Anoop doing Kris, and Allison doing Gokey. Then after we see how awesomely they all get along, let's now tear them apart. It's results time. Megan, Matt & Kris are split into one group stage left. Of course, they're splitting them into three groups and then we have to guess which one is the bottom three, like they do for the top 9 every. single. year. Lil, Adam, & Allison are group #2. Scott, Danny, & Anoop are group #3.

But first, it's time for our reigning Idol, Mr. David Cook. OH NO DAVID, THE BANGS ARE COMING BACK. CUT THEM STAT. There is also a disturbing absence of guyliner, but it's probably because he couldn't wrestle it away from Adam in the dressing room. He's singing "Come Back To Me," not one of my favorites from the album but still a good one. Much like every week last year, he is saving this show from being a ridiculous mess, so thank you Cookster. We've missed ya. His mom is so cute.

Now we're back to the results, and they're actually not doing the "guess which group" deal. Kris, Megan, & Matt are up first. Kris is safe, of course. Seacrest tries to fake us all out but Matt ends up being safe. WOO. Megan is declared in the bottom three and proceeds to CAW her way to the stools. Next up is the Adam/Lil/Allison group. Lil is safe (I think it was the adorable kids that did it, because she sucked). Allison is in the bottom three. WTF, AMERICA?! Adam is safe. The last group starts with Danny, who is safe. So it's down to Anoop and Scott for the last spot in the bottom 3. Wouldn't be surprised with either one, to be honest. (btw, everytime they show Randy, I'm distracted by Jason Castro's hair.) Seacrest actually says he's going to "pull Scott over to the couches," leaving Anoop in the bottom three. (Also, can we PLEASE send Seacrest to a "how to interact with blind people" class?! PLEASE?)

Yessss, time for Lady Gaga and "Poker Face." Not to brag, but I swear I had this song on my iPod in October. Anyways, this girl is so batshit, I love her. She has a piano full of bubbles and is wearing some kind of metalic shawl, and is playing her bubble piano like a maniac. Did you guys know she's a classically trained musician? Wiki told me so. Damn, she's got dancers and fog machines and a zipper over her eye. I want to see her in concert so bad. She rules at life. All the Idols are like, shit.

So Allison is sent back to the couch, thank God. I will be so sad if Anoop goes home, but wouldn't be all that surpised. He is safe though, and HALLELUJAH, Megan is going home. Simon is awesome as hell and is basically like "we don't care if you go home, so we're not even going to consider it." And hell yes, I finally get one in the EW.com poll. Next week is songs from the year you were born week, which means Allison will make me feel ancient. See you then!