You have to drive a Ford on the Road to Hollywood.

Anyone else completely sick of auditions this year? Just me? It seems like it's gone on forever this year, and there have been fewer contestants that I've been really genuinely excited about. Hell, at this time last year I was at least all gaga for Gokey.

Tonight we have something called "The Road to Hollywood," and Ryan is at no shortage of hyperbole. Apparently they're showing us the good auditions they have neglected to show us for the last few weeks? Seacrest call this "the largest arena TV has ever seen" and talks about the amazing talent they've seen and then they show us....... Pants on the Ground. Get it up.

We start off with Jessica Furney, who I vaguely remember from last year doing some Janis Joplin. This year she's wearing some fabulous heels and takes on (I think?) some Leona Lewis thing called "Footprints in the Sand," which apparently Simon co-wrote. Posh is so impressed by Simon's writing skills. Seriously, she's like swooning. Jessica easily gets through.

The next audition is Amanda, who apparently does voices and can talk with her mouth closed. She reminds me of someone, can any of you help me out? I thought she was pretty good, but Kara has a weird issue with her. Amanda is an actress, and Simon starts miming or something, and Posh at one point is like "It's ok to be dramatic. I'm dramatic!" You know what else she is? Awesome. Amanda is going to Hollywood.

Montage of people doing stupid things like belly dancing and splits and carrying instruments even though they're not allowed to play them. Cut to Lee putting down his guitar to sing "Ain't No Sunshine" (one of my favorite songs ever) and Crystal doing her best Janis Joplin. They both get golden tickets.

We next get a montage of people doing the stupid "ooooh I'm gonna walk out of the audition looking all sad and hiding my golden ticket but here it is so let's scream AAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" However, this montage gives us a split second of Chris Daughtry pulling out his golden ticket (that's what she said? hehe), and for that split second it's all worth it.

Another dumb montage, this time of people who are pathetic enough to audition more than once. Oh. my. God. It's that girl who was way too tan and way too blond from a few years ago. Please make the montages stop.

Finally, we get an actual audition. Apparently Lacey was in the Judges Mansion of Doom last season with Megan Joy, and she didn't get through. Thanks, judges, for reminding us of the horror show that Megan Joy became. Lacey is fantastic and sings a wonderful rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and easily gets through again. After that great audition, we next get Stephanie something or other, who adores Posh and doesn't know how to dress or sing or apply bronzer. The judges not only crush her dreams, Posh also tells her (more or less) that her outfit is trash. She at least leaves with dignity... in her fishnet stockings.

I wish I was 16 when this show was on. I absolutely would've made my mom take my district chorus singing ass to an audition. We get a montage of some fabulous 16-year-olds who will probably be ripped to shreds in Hollywood.

The next guy, Adrian, is 6'8" and blond and 17 and is a swimmer. Sounds like a nice image, right? Nope. It's not. He's also massively wide. He calls himself a beautiful man flower. I feel really uneasy right now watching this. He claims he wants to prove it doesn't matter what size you are when you sing. Um, duh. He seems like a perfectly nice guy but can't sing worth crap and I actually feel quite bad for him. It's awkward. Next.

Mike is up next, and he's also massive but in a body building type way. He seems nice enough, has a little girl on the way, and he's a personal trainer. He's quite a good singer too, and HEY K-CHEN!!!! She's so swooony over him. I'm swoony over K-Chen. It's a vicious cycle.

Seriously, Idol? They start playing the one song guaranteed to make me cry every time I hear it, which is "Into The Dark," as Didi talks about auditioning in memory of her best friend. She sings a jazzy version of "Hey Jude," and I think I like her. Yeah, I really like her. Remember that sort of indie quality Brooke had before she started to self-destruct? I think Didi has that too. I'm looking forward to hearing more from her, even though the judges are pretty hard on her.

Our next audition is Aaron, who is 16 but looks 12. He has a sob story about being raised by his aunt and uncle (I'm sorry, but I wasn't really paying attention) and he sings that terrible Miley Cyrus song about climbing. He gets through, if only to fill the Kevin Covais Memorial Spot.

Kimberly wants to be our next American Idol because she has a really good heart and would be into recycling and helping kids in Africa. Oh good Lord, she's singing "I Kissed a Girl." I think Kara is a little turned on. Yikes. I think Kimberly is high. She is obviously not going to Hollywood.

Ohhhhh boy. Shaddii absolutely demolishes some Alicia Keys, but really it's worth it to see NPH jamming with Kara behind the judges table. This is what's wrong with America - Shaddii's mom is absolutely convinced she can sing, so Shaddii thinks she can sing, and now she's going to leave the audition room and probably curse out the judges for not knowing what they're talking about.

Hey, remember when Seacrest was welcomed to work by the Cowboys cheerleaders? Yeah, me too, since they've showed it to us 8 times since last week. Our last audition, Hope, was really poor growing up. Forgive my cynicism, but it's 9:56 of the final audition show, and I can't effing wait for her to be done. Plus, she's singing my least favorite song ever, that one about hoping you dance. But OMFG, Randy ACTUALLY offers advice! Like, legit advice, not just saying she was hot, dawg. Wow. He has it in him! Hope is going to Hollywood. I really hope she isn't eaten alive there.

So, that's it! You know what's next, right? The biggest reason Lindsay & I watch this show: Hollywood MF'ing Week. Drama. Crying. GROUP NIGHT. You're excited, right? This when things get good. See you Tuesday.