Where the Boys Are?

Hello all, Brenna here, and I will be reviewing this week's boys. First thought? Wow, there is a lot of hair on that stage. Second thought? Put some testosterone in those Coke cups. I like my Idol men to be more Daughtry than Sanjaya. What do we have here? What seems to be a lot of little boys. But more on that later.

Ryan tells us people have been saying this is the best talent ever. No, Ryan, you have been telling us this is the best talent ever. David Hernandez is up first, one of three Davids this year, which might be the greatest gathering of David talent the world has ever seen. Ever. The boys are stuck singing songs from the 60s, which I hate, and leaves Lindsay & me reminiscing about Elliott bouncing around the stage singing that Gavin DeGraw song a few years ago. David H. has a decent voice, but zero stage presence. Thus, I completely forget about him by the time the recap rolls around two hours later. David H. looked completely and thoroughly confused by the judges, and this is before Paula got to the bottom of whatever's in that Coke cup of hers. We also get the first finger-number-pointing-gestures of the season, to remind me what numeral is on the screen in front of me. Eh. Next.

Oh, Chikezie and your lack of last name. It takes balls to drop your last name and to wear a suit in that color. He has a rough start, the end is a little better, but this is one of those times where my husband & I go, "oh, that song!" about halfway through. We get the first Simon boos of the season, and then Chikezie proceeds to talk back to the judges, and at that point I kiss him goodbye. He won't be back next week. Next.

Another David is up, Cook this time, and I'm a little skeeved out by him. I disagree with the judges completely when they say he's rocking out, because I thought the entire time that he was trying too hard not to be the rocker. And really, of all the great rock songs of the 60s he could have chosen, he picks "Happy Together"? Really? He's a rocker? Next.

Jason Yeager is up next. Jason has a son, which is a nice change from the women who try to get sympathy votes through their kid. I kind of don't mind him, and then he starts singing. I get this Tom Brady vibe from him, if Tom Brady spent his offseason auditioning for American Idol. Maybe it's because they both make me physically ill. It ranks up there among the cheesiest performances I've ever witnessed on the Idol stage, easily surpassing anything Diana DeGarmo ever did. I can't wait for him to be over, and I'm not going to waste any more space on him. Next.

We're now onto Robbie Carrico. Another rocker dude? I've got to give him props for good song choice ("One," by Three Dog Night), and he's probably the best of the night thus far. He looks a bit awkward on stage though. Granted, that theater in the round setup isn't comfortable for anyone, but either he's nervous or just doesn't know what to do. The judges aren't convinced of the rocker look, and truthfully, neither am I. It seems like the "in" thing this year. Throw on a bandana and don't shave, and poof, you rock. Two thumbs up for his singing though. Next.

Oh, little David Archuleta. You're so tiny. I feel a little bit inappropriate watching him, but as long as I close my eyes it's brilliant. I know lots of people (Lindsay included) love him, but he just seems so young to me. He would've been a perfect American Idol circa 1999 when Nick Carter and 17 year old Justin Timberlake ruled our TRL, but I just don't see him succeeding in the industry today. I can't argue the boy's got talent though. Probably the best male voice in the competition, and he'll definitely be around for awhile. Next.

And it's time for Danny Noriega. First, I don't think I would have fit into those pants he was wearing when I was 13. I don't know where they put his microphone pack. Second, I can't decide if I love him or hate him. The sassy thing is going to get really annoying, but at the same time, he's amusing. I have to close my eyes while he's performing though, and I'm pretty sure Elvis was rolling in his grave. It wasn't awful, but I feel like Idol has regressed six years and we're back to the Justin Guarini era. However, bonus points to Danny for evoking the first completely non-sensical Paula of the season. Something about colors? I'm still trying to figure it out. Next.

Luke Menard is up, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind if he just stood there for 2 minutes and didn't open his mouth. In fact, maybe I'd prefer if he had just stood there. What the F was that song? I'm pretty sure I fell asleep. Props to him though, for getting the first "pitchy" comment of the season, and another non-sensical Paula moment (comparing him to Kenny Loggins? Really?). He is pretty though, so people, please vote for him.

Colton Berry, aka Ellen Degeneres is singing next, taking on "Suspicious Minds," aka one of Brenna's most favorite songs ever. He's also wearing extremely tight pants. He doesn't butcher the song, but he doesn't do it any justice, and it leaves me searching for video of the original to wash Colton from my mind. Elvis is awesome. Colton is not. Next.

It's time now for Garrett Haley, and man, that boy has more luscious curls than I do. I need to ask him what product they're using on him. He's not awful, but he's boring. Move, Garrett, move! The judges completely confuse him by talking over one another, and the poor guy is so polite at the end of it that it makes me like him. I'm undecided on him. I need to see more of him next week. Next.

Jason #2 (Casto) of the evening is up next, and he's got more hair. Damn. The stylist is going to have to spend less time on Seacrest this year. Anyways, Jason C. puts on a really good performance. He plays the guitar, he sings very well, and it's a good song choice. My only gripe is that he's smiling waaaaay too much. Tone it down, buddy. He may be my favorite of the night, though…

…. Until Aussie, aka Michael Johns, strolls on stage. Now this is what I've been waiting for. Awesome song choice (finally, someone picking a real rock song from the 60s in "Light My Fire"), awesome delivery. He had some problems at the end, but who cares. Finally a performance I may remember tomorrow, and not just for the very literal flames on the giant TV screen behind him. I wouldn't say he was the best of the evening; however, he's got that singing ability/charisma combo that is so far missing in most of this season's men.

So there you have it. The first performance show of the year, ¾ of which was completely forgettable. Pencil in David A., Jason C., and Michael as sure things for next week (and quite possibly the top 12). Tag Chikezie, Jason Y., Luke, and Garrett as potential bottom dwellers. My money is on Chikezie (don't talk back to Simon) and Jason Y. (please, I can not handle another week of that shit) to be sent packing on Thursday. But, as we are reminded so frequently, that is left to the viewers. Please don't put us through another Sanjaya. My blood pressure can't handle it.

I apologize for being slightly longwinded… once we’re done suffering through two hours of this nonsense, I’ll be a little more concise. Lindsay will be your Idol tour guide tomorrow. Hopefully the ladies will put on a better show!