So long, farewell.

Welcome, faithful readers. We've made it! I'm actually kind of looking forward to this debacle tonight, if only to hear Pants on the Ground one more time. This... is American Idol!


Wow, Chicago was a great audition city. I catch a glimpse of Katelyn along with our two finalists. (Katelyn was so robbed, you guys. I'm still pissed.) - HOLD UP PEOPLE MIKE FISHER IS HERE WITH CARRIE!!! MIKE YOU'RE SO HOT. CALL ME. - Anyways.The judges! I think Randy Jackson invaded Don Cherry's closet. Kara looks good. Tonight is the last night for Simon. So sad.

So for tonight's wardrobe theme, Idol has chosen "rejects from Hogwarts and/or the Constance Billard School for Girls." Let me just say, the look definitely works for Lee. Not so much for Aaron. Hey, it's your top 12 singing School's Out in the style of Glee, which sucks, because Glee would've done this so much better. Ok, now there's a creepy children's choir and ... Alice Cooper? Wow, already pulling out the stops tonight. Not even 10 minutes in the show and we've got pyrotechnics. This kinda rules. And Mike Fisher sighting #2! This is gonna be a good night.

Kris is here! I need to get his album still. Anyone have it? I think I like this song, which is called The Truth. Wow, did he always look this at ease as a performer? I think that's what was missing this year. Al and Kris and Adam always looked so comfortable. Kris, MSHBB loves you! Was that Kim Caldwell?

And our first tribute to Simon Cowell. Simon's hair used to be so fluffy. Hey, Paula! My all-time favorite Simonism might be when he told the girl that she sounded like a cat falling off the Empire State Building. Oh man, this show can not go on without him.

Siobhan & Aaron duet on How Deep is Your Love. Wow, they sound fantastic. I wish Siobhan hadn't crashed and burned so fast. And then... the Bee Gees appear! Barry effing Gibb! Talkin bout crazy cool medallions, people. When I'm watching these finales, I always wonder what the process is for planning the performances. Do they sit in a boardroom and just shout out names? (Aww, Jordin is singing with Matty G! I love all the old Idols in the audience tonight.) AND THE HOFF IS THERE! Yesss. Remember when he cried? I think it was the Davids year.

Big Mike is back, reminding me of all the ways he annoyed me this year. He's singing Takin it to the Streets with Michael McDonald. My general thoughts on this. 

Apparently Dane Cook is here next, putting Simon's best critiques to music. And then, good Lord, it is our national nightmare appearing on stage before us. The Brittenum twins, spirits still broken. Norman effing Gentle. The I am your brother guy. Tatiana. I think this all goes awry because they cut to commercial very quickly. That's what happens when you bring all the freaks back at once, Idol.

Lacey starts out singing Beautiful, joined by the rest of the girls. Didi looks hot, yo. They mostly sound terrible though, aside from Siobhan & Crystal. Hey, remember Katelyn? They move into Fighter, which sounds a million times better. Siobhan is rocking some cut out legging things, and girl looks fierce. And here's Christina, putting all these amateurs to shame. She sings some slow, sleepy song instead of the kick-ass Not Myself Tonight, but sounds gorgeous as usual. I still laugh about how everyone who knew her in high school said she smelled like hot dogs. Leanne, was that you? 

Ricky Gervais bids farewell to Simon, which is funny. The boys are up next, singing a medley of the songs that played on the radio station your mom listened to when you were growing up. This performance is presented to you by Tim Urban's arms. And then Hall & Oates sing that song that will forever & always make me thing only of (500) Days of Summer. I know I say this every year, but seriously Idol? Some relevant performers please?

Seacrest talks to Crystal's dad, who is wearing what appears to be a leather vest and leather cap. He is so cool. Crystal is singing Ironic, which suits her perfectly. She's totally rocking this. And Alanis is there!!! Yessss. And now she's singing You Outta Know. OMG, this is fantastic. My inner 13 year old is rocking out right now. I submit this for your consideration as best Idol finale duet ever. Any other contenders? Elliott and Mary J, perhaps?

The soon to be Mrs. Fisher is up next. Damn, she looks smokin. I want to be her. OMG, her fiddle player is wearing a top hat. This is great and all, but please show Mike again. I'm not settling for less than five Mike Fisher sightings tonight. Carrie rocks that song. I love her.

Awww, Kris and Lee are in the same room. That room is going to explode because of all the cuteness. Crystal and Lee get their FORDS!!! And, of course, one last FORD! commercial. Wouldn't be Idol without it.

Casey and his bad perm and flannel shirt are singing Every Rose Has Its Thorn. OMG, if there is a God, Bret Michaels is going to appear. AND HE IS!!! Pittsburgh is rocking this finale tonight, yo. Bret, we love you. This just went from awful to awesome real fast. And Casey looks like he's having a blast. That was fantastic. A+ on the duets so far tonight. I hope Lee doesn't get someone shitty.

And Lee gets stuck with... Chicago. Because he's from Chicago, I guess? Fail, Idol. Casey gets Bret effing Michaels and Lee gets Chicago? I was holding out hope that they flew in Dave Matthews for a duet of Crash Into Me, but I guess I'll have to settle for this instead. Hey, Aunt Becky is here! Oh noooooooo. Matt Rogers is the Idol reject they sent to Lee's hometown. I. HATED. Matt Rogers.

Another vignette on Simon's flirting. It's mildly amusing, but I think they did that just to have an excuse to show Bikini Girl again.

YESSSSSS. It is General Larry Platt. PANTS. ON. THE. GROUND. With backup dancers. Damn, the General can move. I love him. I love this. And then William Hung appears. And he is also rapping Pants on the Ground. Wow, I have no idea what just happened but it was kind of awesome.

Paula is here!!! We miss you Paula!!! And I think Simon is actually caught on camera saying "she looks good." Ha. She does. She rambles on & on about Simon, which gets a little awkward. Paula isn't as drunk as usual, but there's no way she's sober. Think about this rambling when it's 10:15 and we still don't know who won. They do a video montage next, which actually makes me really sad. Don't go, Simon!!!

And then Kelly struts out. And Ruuuuben!!!! And Fantasia!! And Carrie!! Oooh this is awesome. Jordin!! Taylor. Yikes. Kris!!! Where is Cookster??? And then a million past Idols from all the past seasons trot out - Blake, Justin Guarini, Michael Johns, Constantine, Archuleta, Elliott, Allison, Kim Caldwell. This is fantastic. And now I'm crying. Shit. When you ask me why I can't quit this show, I'll go back to this right here. But seriously, where is David Cook? And Jennifer Hudson? And Clay Aiken? I suppose people are bizzay, but if you're gonna do it, do it up. That was awesome anyways.

The next random guest of the evening is Janet Jackson. With a buzz cut. Her performance is generally boring, so I'll tell you about the day Michael Jackson died. Linds & I were at the spa, and there were all these conflicting reports so we weren't sure, was he dead or not dead, until we got in the car to go home and the DJ was playing a megamix of every MJ song that had ever existed. Then I think we watched CNN for the next four days straight. And OMG, Janet is still singing. She stops the boring song at least and we finally get some old school kick ass Janet dancing. OH YOU NASTY BOY. Paula should be out there dancing.

Flashback to Lee & Crystal's auditions. Remember when we didn't want Lee to get through because his name was hard to type? Sorry about that, Lee. At least we didn't think you were a pervert like Cookster. Awww, they're singing I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends. How many pairs of Converse sneakers do you think Lee has? And then Joe Cocker appears, ruining the whole damn thing. I think the average age of the performers tonight has been 68. Lee still maintains an aura of awesomeness throughout, though.

Annnnd...... results time! Lee looks like he's going to pass out. He's crying already. This is adorable. And your winner is..... LEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Man, there have been upsets three years running. This is fantastic, he is so genuinely ecstatic. This is why this damn show sucks us back in, year after year.

So we say we're quitting next year... so this should be the last entry of MSHBB. It's been a blast! MSHBB... out.