We start with Jimmy in the recording studio giving some technician guy a lecture. Why are we seeing so much Jimmy this year? Like Lindsay said, bring back mentors. HCJ, are you out there?
The judges, Seacrest, and our top 9 emerge from the giant screens of doom. Apparently Jimmy is doing recaps now. He starts out by awkwardly calling out the judges for, well, judging, and then proceeds to offer his own opinions about all of the contestants. This is weird. If the show cared about his opinion so much, why isn't he a judge? But thankfully he also tells the contestants how insulting it is that none of them knew Beatles songs. He also then starts replying to judges' critiques, which is also a little awkward, because it makes me wonder what's going on backstage.
Finally, we get to the beginning of the results, but not without an amusing video package of Amber's battle with the smoke machines in rehearsal. But, wait, it's all just a tease, because Seacrest isn't actually giving us any results.
Instead we get my first group number of the season courtesy of the boys, singing Got To Get You Into My Life, and it's so corny and bad. At the end of the song, Seacrest tells Cute Paul that his hometown made a proclamation to give him Paul Jolley Day, then immediately follows it up by telling him that he's in the bottom three. Womp womp.
Casey Abrams is back now, with his giant bass. And he has his hair pulled back in a bun and giant mutton chops. He sings I Saw Her Standing There, with just the bass and a little organ and a guitar and bongo drums, and it's pretty awesome. I remember liking him at the beginning before he went crazy one week - was it when he sang Nirvana? < googles > Oh yeah, it was when he sang Smells Like Teen Spirit on Year You Were Born Week. Holy shit, I'm old.
After the break, it's the girls' time for the group performance. Luckily they don't have to dance, they just get stools and mood lighting and Here, There, and Everywhere. God, this song is gorgeous, and the arrangement is beautiful. Well done, ladies.
Devin is getting his results next, and he is also in the bottom three. Lazaro is up next, which means he's totally safe, because we still have a half hour left in the show. Ugh, Seacrest, stop making Lazaro talk, it's so uncomfortable. Of course he's safe, because this show is an hour long.
Something called a Jessica Sanchez is up next. Oh, apparently she was the runner up last year. I didn't watch a single episode last year, but I think I could like this girl. She's here singing her new single with Ne-yo. The girls in the audience are much more excited to see Ne-yo. And now there are dancers. This song isn't very good. There are a lot of bright lights and colors and smoke and wind machines. Eh. Fast forward.
Back to results. We're not getting an order or detailed results like last week, for some reason, but in particular order Kree, Candice, Angie, Janelle, and Burnell are safe. Wow, Amber is in the bottom three. Did not see that one coming.
I actually say "awwwwww" when the results are read, because it's Cute Paul Jolley going home tonight, and there's no way the judges are using their save on him. He's singing for his life with Alone. He should be on Glee. Girls would eat him up on Glee. He could be Finn's long lost little brother or something. Make that happen, Fox, even though I don't know anyone who watches it anymore.
So there you have it - this show will officially be won this year by someone other than a cute white guy. Congratulations, America! Next week the theme is Motor City. I'll be there to take you through it!
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