I love the 80's--America Strikes Back

Lindsay here, and I'd like to apologize for the uber-lateness of this blog posting. I had a hell of a day on Thursday that ended with a 4.5 hour drive to Virginia, arriving at 11:00 pm. Had just enough time to watch the show before passing out. Rewatched the show this evening and after 36 MILLLLLLLLLLLLION votes came in, let's see how effed up America is this week.

BLAKE! I've never been so happy to see a former Idol return to the stage. This makes the second coming of Clay Aiken pale in comparison. I think we all need to be reminded of this:

Anyway, Blake is rocking out WHILE WEARING A LEATHER BLAZER (???) with "How Many Words", which I am not ashamed to admit is my favorite song on his album. Another thing I am not ashamed of is admitting that I own Blake Lewis's album. What? Side note, David Cook apparently decided that the night he was going to find out if he was in the top 12 was the perfect night to wear a Day Glo tie. Awesome.

Recap of guys' night: when Michael stands in between David A. and Danny, he totally looks like their dad. Dude looks older and older every week. Whoa, I didn't really pay much attention on Tuesday so I didn't notice David H.s' CA-RAZY facial contortions. His face looks like it's trying to escape from his head. OK, dim the lights, here we go. David C.--in. David A.--in. Um, did anyone notice how the girls were congratulating him? It's like they think he's a really dumb kid who just figured out how to add 2 and 2. He's 17, not a moron, ladies. Next we find out Jason is in, and I'd like to know where he picked up his skank entourage. One of these things is not like the other!

These three guys are safe for now, so it's time to recap the girls. I was going to fast forward this, but it was totally worth watching to hear Simon tell Kady Malloy about her massive lack of personality again. Greatest insult EVER, you guys. I may start using that in my every day life. Time to boot some girls! Brooke--in. Good. I enjoy her. Syesha--in.

Guys, here is where this episode becomes fantastic. Ryan asks Kady to stand up. Now you KNOW in her in dim-witted little brain, she's thinking "I'm totally safe! OMG! Jason got called third too and he made it! I'm so in! YAY! I hope this giant splotch on my dress isn't distracting. Do you think people are looking at my crotch?"

You can see on her face even as Ryan is saying "I'm sorry..." that she is totally thinking he's going to pull his "I'm sorry....to tell you that you'll have to put up with us for another week!" BUT NO. He totally cuts her in a cruel and fantastically awesome twist. We fast forward through her singout and laugh maniacally at the evilness of the Seacrest.

Oh God, so Ryan announces that this season they are going to add the special feature of allowing the viewers to call in during the show. I don't know about you guys, but I cannot wait to hear the commentary of callers like Seymour Buttz, Hugh Jass and Amanda Hugginkiss. You can't out a price on that shit.

Time to announce more guys. David H., you're in. I guess we should ask to take off your shirt too, since Luke's status is probably amateur and you've gone pro. Michael, you're also in. Have a seat, and you can pick up your Social Security check on your way out. Seacrest asks Luke to stand up and to no one's shock, he's eliminated. But he's so pretty! Sooooo pretty. I actually watch his goodbye video because, before the top 24, I had no idea he existed. Fast forward through his horrific singout. Bye Luke! I'm sorry we never saw you shirtless.

That leaves Chikezie and Danny in the final two guys, and by the way Danny already looks like he's cried his eyes out, I'd say he knows he's on his way out.

But first, more girls. Ramiele--in. Carly--in, and Ryan utters the most disgusting phrase ever on American Idol. "Take a stool"--chew on that for a while, guys. Oh man, Chikezie got totally denied by Carly as she made her way over. HA. Amanda, you and your bright ass red poncho are safe. That leaves Kristy Lee and Asia''''''''''''h in the bottom two. If everything in this world was perfect and good, Kristy Lee would be out, but the world can be a bitch, which means Kristy Lee is safe. Asia'h looks pissed. Fast forward through her montage and sing out, because I just cannot wait for the fabulous shit that's about to fly when Ryan announces these next two.

He asks Chikezie and Danny to come forward and Danny stands there picking his cuticles for about an hour, which makes me want to barf. Ryan announces that Chikezie is in, and you can actually see the shock register on his face right before we cut to a shot of Ramiele f'ing BREAKING DOWN all over the place. You guys, seriously, it's like someone died. Carly is holding her and they're both standing still like they're at a memorial service or something. Man. Intense. We see Danny's sassed out video package and I have to give him credit, he works the singout. Bren and Joe's DVR cuts out before it's over, and we lose the show on a fantastic shot of Ramiele ugly-crying all over a snotty Kleenex. Sweet.

So, we've got our top 12. Amanda, Brooke, Carly, stupid Kristy Lee, Ramiele and Syesha are the girls and three Davids, a Jason and a Michael and Chizekie round out our guys. Join us next week for their first appearance on the big stage! I'll be blogging the performance and Bren will take the results. Cheers!