Hey guys, Lindsay here. Results night! My favorite way to waste an hour on Wednesdays from March through May. Coming in second--America's Next Top Model. You guys, how awesome would it be to have Tyra Banks as a guest judge? I would pay money to hear her tell David Cook that he needs to accentuate his neck or tell Syesha she has dead eyes. Really, if you guys aren't watching that show you are totally missing out.
Oh great, just what the show needs--Jim Carrey in an elephant costume. The best thing about it is he's sitting across the aisle from Carly's husband, whose face is covered in tattoos. You know that dude is thinking, "FINALLY, someone else is in here for people to stare at."
Ryan tells us that because of the overwhelming response to the show last night, the theme next week will continue to be songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook. I am not sure if that's a good or bad thing. It could possibly be a good thing if Kristy Lee gets eliminated and David A. actually learns the words to his song. Jury's still out on this. The gang comes out for a group sing. Observations during the group number:
1) Kristy Lee needs to just give up now.
2) David A.'s collar is popped. Gross.
3) Michael appears to either be sweating heavily or spitting a lot when he has a solo.
Group sing over, back from commercials and we're into last night's recap. Blah blah, Chikezie was awesome, blah blah Syesha and Ramiele were boring, blah blah Kristy Lee and David A. were hot messes, and time for the results. Ryan asks Carly, Michael, Jason and Syesha to stand up. If anyone out there didn't know how this was going to play out, you clearly are a rookie at watching this show. Of course Carly, Gramps and Jason are safe, and Syesha's in the bottom three. Ryan asks her to sing her song again, and WTF? So instead of watching one loser sing, we have to sit through three of them??? Whose brilliant idea was this? ARGH. And I'm watching live, so I can't fast forward. BOO.
We come back from the real commercials to our very first FORD commercial of the season. Fox apparently decided it would be a good idea to take an awesome Cake song and turn it into an election-themed music video/commercial. Yikes. After the spot, Ryan tells us we're going to see a tape of the kids talking about the ride of American Idol, but it's really just another excuse to pimp out "Horton Hears a Who" some more. Footage of the kids at the premiere of the movie, more Jim Carrey, interviews, and--STEVE CARELL!!! How kick ass would it be if Michael Scott were a guest judge? There's a hilarious clip of Amanda getting excited about having just met the lead singer of REO Speedwagon, and Ramiele's in the frame with this priceless face like, "REO who? Speedwagon? Is that a new model of FORD?"
Time for the next group of results. Ryan asks Chikezie, Amanda, Kristy Lee and David to stand up. Way to not even have a semblance of suspense there, Seacrest. Kristy Lee clearly knows she's in the bottom and I think she even tells David that. Good to know she's at least self-aware. She is indeed in bottom three and she twangs her way through the song again. Oh God, after the commercials we'll have our first round of viewer call-ins...
...which I'm not even going to talk about because this shit is so obviously scripted, and it's a lame way to fill time. Another thing I'm not going to talk about is the Kat McPhee/David Foster performance. If you want to see it, I'm sure it's on You Tube.
After Jim Carrey slobbers all over Seacrest, it's time for the final group. This one wasn't as easy for me to pick out. We have David A.--for the love of God, TURN DOWN YOUR COLLAR. Also, I hate his dad. Shut up, Jeff Archuleta. Anyway, David is clearly safe even though he bombed last night. Brooke is also clearly safe. Yay Brooke! It was a toss-up for me between David H. and Ramiele, because I thought both could do better, but "America" puts David H. in the bottom three. And by America, I clearly mean Fox. Dude, if David gets booted over Kristy effing Lee, I quit. David sings and is cheesy again, but I keep going back to his "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone" performance in my head, and I know he can be better.
Back from commercials, the judges and Ryan jibba jabba a bit about the bottom three and Ryan sends someone back to safety...and it's Syesha. She's the most deserving of the three, probably. Oh my god, seriously you guys??? Kristy Lee is SAFE???? To quote one Christian Siriano, Project Runway Season 4 winner: "I could just die of barf-ness." OMG, and the freakin' "Bad Day" of this season is a RUBEN STUDDARD song??? HAHAHAHA--it's so funny how they think Ruben is relevant. That seriously made me LOL even through my seething anger at these results. We watch David's video, and I would just love it if when it was over, he cued some music and started stripping to "Everybody's Workin' For the Weekend" ala Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley in that Chippendales SNL sketch.
Well, week one is done with most unsatisfying results. Next week, more Beatles songs and hopefully everyone's a bit more comfortable in their skin and we see something great. We'll be back! Cheers!
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