You've got to be kidding me.

Well, folks, it’s time to waste another hour of your life on product placement, filler, and weird sexual tension. Yep, it’s the results show! Ryan starts us off by telling us some of this year’s mentors, which include Andrew Lloyd Weber (Broadway week??) and Neil Diamond, which is appropriate because I watched Saving Silverman this weekend. He also reminds us that this year’s Idol crowning song will again be chosen from a songwriting contest, since apparently they didn’t get the memo that “This Is My Now” sucked really bad.

Everyone looks thoroughly bored in the medley, and I am thoroughly bored by it. And are the harmonies pre-recorded? That sounded way too good to be live. Let me also take this opportunity to say how sick I am of commercials for “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?”
The recap this week is worth it simply for Simon’s comment comparing Kristy Lee to musical wallpaper. I realize I had been singing “Daytripper” all day long, but I still can’t bring myself to watch David C. He’s just way too skeezy…

We’re finally to some substance in the show. Brooke is safe. Carly is sa – wait, in the bottom three?! What?! Something is wrong there. David A. is safe, and my ears are ringing from the screaming. Michael is safe. And that’s it for substance. We then take a look at how the Ford music video was made, prompting Michael to reference Susan Lucci. Awesome. The video sucks, as per usual.

Back to the lineup. David C. is still gross and safe. Kristy Lee is in the bottom three. (Hallelujah!) Jason is safe.

Oh goody, viewer calls! One caller gushes about how she loves the show, which reminds me of those old commercials we’d see on KBL and Fox Sports for “Sportsbeat.” You know, “Stan, Guy, love the show!” It’s a Pittsburgh thing. Anyways, one viewer asks if Simon and Paula would kiss again. Awkward sexual tension ensues. Ok, now I’m even more grossed out than I was when David C. was on screen.

And then it’s time for Kellie Pickler, who I couldn't stand as a contestant on Idol but kind of like now. Reason #1? She's dating a hockey player. Ladies, you heard it here first. Hockey players are all the rage. Celebrities should be lining up to date hockey players. First in line? Ellen Page? You're 20, attractive, and from Halifax. Guess who else is 20, attractive, and from Halifax? You'll thank me later. And oh yeah, go Pens. Anyways, Kellie sings her song about red high heels and flirts with Simon. Randy looks like he’s expecting a lap dance.

We’re next reminded that there’s another Idol Gives Back this year. Apparently they did not use the money for the Beatles catalog, but instead sent Elliott and Fantasia to Africa. Anyone else agree that it’s a really strange pairing?? Fantasia knocks Kristy Lee out of the ballpark with her version of “Amazing Grace.” Elliott almost makes me cry when he’s told there’s a baby being named after him. Damn, I loved him. This year, Idol Gives Back will feature Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, and… Dane Cook? I’m sorry, people, I can’t think of Dane Cook now without thinking of SNL’s spot-on spoofs of his MLB ads from last fall.

Finally, we’re back to the substance. Syesha is safe, Chikezie is safe, and Amanda is in the bottom three. I have a bad feeling about this, as Carly is sent to safety, leaving us with Amanda and Kristy Lee. Amanda is sent home, and I think Kristy Lee was actually pleading with her to switch places. I’m really pissed about this. We can’t even blame Vote for the Worst, since they were voting for Amanda. Good job, guys. At least this sets us up for our inaugural Idol countdown. Stay tuned for our list of the worst Idol performances of the last eight seasons.
All in all, the Beatles weeks were halfway successful. We had some great performances but lost two undeserving contestants, and now we’ll have to suffer through Ramiele and Kristy Lee on tour. Hopefully next week the show (and America) will come to their senses… but what am I saying, this is American Idol. And this is why we love it.