These are my CONFESSIONS

JustwhenIthoughtIsaidallIcouldsaymychickonthesidesaidshegotoneontheway. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our guest mentor tonight is none other than Urshur. Remember when he got married and then he wasn't married, then he got married for real and now he's divorced? YEAH YEAH! Also if you haven't already seen it, please watch this.

Earlier this week, Bren and I reviewed the list of songs that the contestants could choose from and tried to predict some. Let's see how close we got. This opening shit with Seacrest is stupid. Get on with it already, it's 8:06. These eps do not need to be two hours right now.

Ooh Siobhan's first? Well, I guess she had the pimp spot last week, so fair's fair. I love that she's an Usher fan. She's singing "Through the Fire", which I don't believe I know but is a Chaka Khan song. OMG guys, her outfit. I so love her. She's my Allison of this year so bad. Shit, but her song isn't good. It's boring and she's a lil pitchy dawg. She is so much better than this. The judges are going to rip her apart. Shit shit shit. I'm gonna vote like mad for her because I know she can do better.

What the hell is this?? Footage of Siobhan backstage crying in the green room? EPIC FAIL, Idol. We don't want or need to see that. God, could you imagine if they had this last year, with effing Gokey making heart hands all over the place? Shudder.

After the break we get Casey James with Usher. Which, Casey doesn't own a TV or something, so he probably doesn't know who he is. He's singing "Hold On", which is pretty predictable. And it's never been performed on Idol, which surprised me a little. He sounds pretty good, but I'm pretty meh on Casey for the most part. Also I think he may have forgotten some words. Everyone's wooing for him. He's pretty consistent week after week, but he's not my favorite. Why does Randy have a white elephant brooch on?

Shocker, Big Mike Lynche picked a love song. Hey, did you know he's married with a newborn baby? Just wanted to pass on the info! OK, he's singing one of my favorite songs, "Ready for Love" by India Arie. Even though I've been over Mike these past few weeks, I will probably love this. Love it, but won't vote for it. LOL. I like Mike like this...chilling, with the guitar, just singing, not trying to dance and be all lounge lizardy. Do it, Big Mike.

I hate this backstage cam. GO AWAY. We don't need this vantage point. Anyway, we've got Didi Benami up next, and apparently she got "emotional" with Usher. She just wanna take it nice and sloooow! Ok, she's singing "What Becomes of the Broken Hearted", which was totally part of a Motown medley we did in show choir one year. The moves were like, step to the left, step to the right, sweeping arm gesture, arms crossed over chest. It was bad ass.

Ahem. I got away from myself there. Anyway, Didi got emotional in her rehearsal, so hopefully she keeps it together here. She's descending into Brooke White more and more each week, so I'm just waiting for her to stop singing and ask to start over. OK, what the hell is she wearing? Was she going for Vegas performance with this one? This is weird, and I normally like Didi. I didn't get it at all. OMG RYAN. She doesn't want to say why she's singing the damn song!! SHE IS NOT GOKEY.

GAWD. I'm exhausted after that one. Up next we have Tim Urban. He looks cute tonight. He's singing "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker. I don't think I know this, but maybe if I hear the whole thing, it'll sound familiar. Ohhh wait, I know this song. Weird choice, but then Tim's a weird guy. Built like a brick shithouse, apparently, but weird. This isn't half bad, for Tim. It's not great, but I don't think it's the worst either. Ellen is kind of funny, talking about how people made a drinking game of her calling him adorable. But he IS, Ellen! Also take off your shirt. Tim, not Ellen.

After the break, we've got Neck Tattoo (tm Koz) aka Andrew Garcia. He's going to be doing an AGarc cover of "Forever" by Chris Brown. I'm not gonna lie, I loved this song before Chris Brown became a criminal. Also: that YouTube video. I think this is the best Andrew's sounded in a long time. He looks totally on and into it, and not uncomfortable. Last week he looked totally awkward. The judges are going to be all over his shit because that was exactly like "Straight Up." OMG his mom is CA-RAZY. Simma, Andrew's mom!

Time for Katie Stevens. She tells a totally boring story about how she met Usher at Epcot one time. Big deal, Katie, my husband and I totally met BRIAN DENNEHY at Epcot one time! True story...LMAO. She's singing "Chain of Fools" and seriously? Why is she an old lady? Aren't there any contemporary R&B songs she could have sang? Sigh. If Katie got cut, I would not miss her. Truth be told, she sounds pretty good, but this is another one of those songs that's been done on here a million times. Randy compares her to "a young Christina" which....sorry, I don't hear it.

Has there been a commercial after EVERY single performance?? God.

Up next is our boy Lee Dewyze. His name still has not gotten easier to type. He has walking pneumonia?? WTF are they doing to these people? He's singing "Treat Her Like a Lady", accompanying himself on guitar. I love Lee's voice so bad. I can't wait for this performance, Urshur loves him. This. Is. AMAZING. OMG you guys, I want to marry this performance. Sorry Adam! Lee absolutely killed this...way to go, buddy! I feel like Lee would want us to call him buddy, right? WOOO!

TWO WEEKS UNTIL NEW GLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After the break, we've got Crystal Bowersox. No guitar this week, but aha! She'll be at the piano. You go, Crystal B. Doing "Midnight Train to Georgia", which could be cool, because she won't cheese it up. She's cute with Usher. This starts out really awesome, just Crystal, piano, and the backup ladies. I like her outfit too. You can't deny that she's got a fantastic instrument here. Ooh, the falsetto's a little weird, but the rest of it was pretty great, if a little less "Crystal" than we've been used to. Ryan's SO WEIRD tonight. Is he on speed or acid or something? Jesus, Seacrest.

In the pimp spot is...Aaron Kelly? That's bizarre. Oooh, and doing "Ain't No Sunshine"--dude, Kris just did this last season, and killed it, so I would not go there. But really, what the hell else was Aaron going to sing this week? Usher makes him go over the "I know, I know" part a bunch, and his critique actually makes sense. Go Mr. Raymond. Aaron sounds nervous as hell. I mean, this is fine and all, but why the F wasn't Lee in the pimp spot? That would have been a hell of a way to close a show. No offense, Aaron.

So recap of the night: Siobhan tanked and will probably be in the B3 unfortunately; Casey sounded like he does every other week; I was in love with Big Mike; Didi was weird and had to deal with Ryan's asshattery; Tim was mediocre at best, which is huge for him; Andrew finally pleased the judges by doing exactly what they said; Katie is a 50-year-old woman in a teenager's body; Lee blew it out the box; Crystal did her thing sans guitar but plus a piano, and Aaron took on a song that was probably too big for him. B3 will probably be Tim and Katie again, and maybe Siobhan, but I could do with losing either Katie or Tim. Brenna's got your results on Wednesday, so adios!