Listen, hot stuff. I'm in love with this song.

Guys, I have never been so excited for a results show, ever. Well, maybe when Lady Gaga was on. Still, these things usually suck. Buttttt..... Ke$ha. Cookster. The only way tonight could get screwed up would be if Siobhan, Crystal, or Lee went home. Bring it on, biatches, cuz the party don't start till I walk in.

Overly dramatic opening montage. Cheesy green lighting and Irish music and "the luck of the Irish will only be with 11 people this evening." Wow, Seacrest, write this stuff yourself? Awkward Cowell/Seacrest banter... this stuff got old in season 3, guys. We have the judges' save again this year. They can save any contestant as long as it's unanimous among the judges, but who really cares, because COOKSTER IS HERE.

He's doing Jumpin' Jack Flash. OMG I miss him. I got a smile a mile wide when I saw him on stage. This reminds me a little of when he did Daytripper in the style of Whitesnake, back when his hair was still skeevy and we thought he looked in girls' windows. His hair is a little suspect, but he's still damn hot regardless and sounds amazing as per usual. Hey Season 9 Idol wannabes, are you watching this? This is how the Stones should be done. He says he's working on a new album, which I can't wait for. And he's going to Africa for IGFB. Ugh. (Linds & I have a treat for you guys that week though, which actually makes me not hate IGFB this year. Details to come.)

Oh no, I forgot how awful the FORD! commercials could be. How much do you think Crystal hates doing this? Probably not as much as Amanda Overmeyer did. OMG, two FORD! commercials? We have three performers tonight and still this much filler? Ugh.

Results time, finally. Paige is in the bottom three, about three weeks too late. Lee and his awesome leather jacket from last night is safe. Siobhan is wearing a giant knit headband, yet still looks fierce, and is safe. Side note on Siobhan, sort of: Siobhan is totally this year's Adam Lambert. And I have seen the light on Lambert. I hated him and his big ball of Viva Las Gaygas last year, because I thought it was way too over the top for our deal little Idol show. But... Siobhan is taking over the top to new heights (Paint it Black while wearing a Homecoming dress & combat boots, COME ON PEOPLE!) and I love her for it, and I also love several of the songs on Adam's album, and as a performer away from the Idol stage, he is freaking fantastic. Also, I have these mental images of him chilling with Gaga and Ke$ha and bottles of Jack and drunk dialing Allison, and it all makes me squee just a little bit.

Anyways, back to this season Aaron is seriously the second coming of David Archuleta and is also safe. Andrew & Tim stand up together. Tim is in the bottom three, probably because he hasn't taken off his shirt yet.

Next up is Orianthi, who is teeny and blond and pretty kick ass at playing the guitar but not so good at singing live. Still, I love this song. My dad says "who?!" and I can't wait till Ke$ha comes on to see my parents' reaction. It's amazing that she has an Australian accent when she talks but not when she sings. OMG, Seacrest keeps talking to everyone, and all I want right now is Ke$ha, a bottle of Jack, and the bottom three.

Back to the results. Didi is wearing amazing boots and is safe. Crystal is awesome as usual and is also safe. After an eternity of talking, Katie is safe. Can't count out the tween and grandma votes, folks. Michael is apparently "here for the people" and is safe. So it's down to Casey and Lacey, either of whom I'd be ok sending home. Lacey is in the bottom three, and this has even more potential to be the BEST RESULTS SHOW EVER. Ryan sends Tim back to safety, hopefully with the caveat that he will take off his effing shirt next week to get more votes.

FINALLY. Time for Ke$ha. I should preface this by saying lately I've had a slightly unhealthy obsession with her, because obviously I wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy. I tried resisting her for so long but just gave up, because she's impossible to resist. But seriously, if ever in my life I ever write anything as catchy as any of her songs, I will be ecstatic. Maybe if I start brushing my teeth with Jack...

Speaking of, Lindsay & I created an elaborate scenario the other day when we found out Ke$ha was performing. I saved the chat, because it was so brilliant:

Lindsay: oh according to you

i kind of hate that song

lol

Brenna: awww i like it

who cares, ke$ha is gonna be so drunk

no one will care about orianthi

Lindsay: omg i hope ke$ha is hammered

and gets the contestants hammered

Brenna: hahahaha

aaron kelly! have a shot of jack!

Lindsay: she needs to share her jack with lee deqyodiusze

LMAO

Brenna: she's so hooking up with lee dsakjfhiuyowiblihbweezie

Lindsay: omg you know it

and then she'll be like, wait, what was your name? todrick?

So, with that, Ke$ha. Um, there are people with television heads and she's wearing what appears to be a silver snakeskin corset with combat boots. OMG, she is fantastic. That said, this song is not nearly as much fun when network TV makes you censor lyrics. And now she's wearing a giant Indian headdress. Wow. For no apparent reason whatsoever, or maybe because she drank an entire bottle of Jack before she came on stage. Either way, she is fantastic and I love her. She probably goes backstage to try to bang Cookster when she's done.

Ok, after that absurdity, we're to the results. Lacey is going home, and there's no way they're using the judges' save on her, right? She does a reprise of The Story (they didn't get to choose what song they did last year, did they?) and the judges say no to the save, so Lacey is going home, making this officially the BEST RESULTS SHOW EVER.

And with that, we're one week into the real Idol season. Maybe it won't be all that bad this year after all. See ya next week, folks. I'll have a pedicure on my toes, toes.